To refuse nursery's request for a dummy?

(92 Posts)
WillowB Wed 27-Feb-13 20:49:23

10 month old DS started nursery 2 days a week a few weeks ago. So far so good apart from the odd wobble easily solved with a few cuddles...until yesterday. When I collected him his key worker told me that he had refused to nap & cried when they tried to put him in his cot. She followed this up by telling me that later in the day he had managed to get hold of another child's dummy 'which he really seemed to enjoy' hmm

DH collected him today & they'd had the same problem. Protested every time they put him down so ended up having two very brief naps. Key worker specifically asked if we would send a dummy & has also written this in his diary.

I'm really reluctant to send one as although DS had one for naps when he was tiny, I weaned him off it at 6 months once he could self settle & he doesn't have it now unless its an emergency situation e.g poorly/ wakes screaming in the middle of the night/has a major meltdown in.
I feel it's a bit cheeky of them ask really. What do they do with the babies that have never taken a dummy? My biggest concern is that they won't limit it just to nap time & he will sit there most of the day plugged in (this seems the case with some of the other babies). However I don't want to fall out with them & realise that they have no other means of getting him to sleep (hates being patted or rocked etc).

AIBU?

WillowB Thu 28-Feb-13 18:31:31

willesden that is slightly dramatic. I've seen friends babies who don't even use a dummy do exactly the same! There seems to be some sort of assumption on this thread that I'm a heartless mother who is happy to let my child sit & cry the whole day. There is no suggestion at all from nursery that he is particularly distressed other than some grizzling and moanng at nap times. It hardly amounts to child abuse!
misslurkalot thank you for your post its made me feel a little better. Yes I do my best but its definitely not easy confused

Pandemoniaa Thu 28-Feb-13 16:14:02

It's a difficult one. I was all set to say YANBU until I realised that actually, your ds does have a dummy at home even though you are trying to wean him off it. I was fairly anti-dummy and wouldn't have been at all thrilled to be told to send one into nursery but that would have been because I didn't want my dcs introduced to dummes at 10 months old.

I think you either have to get him totally off the dummy at home or send one into nursery with instructions about how it is used. I don't think that at 10 months old, a dummy is likely to cause much developmental harm, tbh but it could be helpful to get your ds settled into nursery.

Goldmandra Thu 28-Feb-13 15:14:07

Heartbreaking that he pinched another child's dummy for a bit of comfort. Send him with a dummy. Poor little mite.

I think that's a bit harsh on the OP.

He had access to a dummy and put it in his mouth. He wasn't aware that it belonged to another child or that he wasn't supposed to have it. He just picked it up and used it.

That is no more heartbreaking than him doing the same with his own at home.

willesden Thu 28-Feb-13 14:41:12

Heartbreaking that he pinched another child's dummy for a bit of comfort. Send him with a dummy. Poor little mite.

MissLurkalot Thu 28-Feb-13 14:15:33

WillowB
I'm sorry you've come a bit under fire here.
Dummies are like marmite, love or hate.
I think you sound like you're a great Mum and that you only have your little one's interests at heart.
I think it comes down to long term or short term...
I understand you're worrying about bringing the dummy back in to play.. But like a lot of people said, settling a 10 month old in a new environment, away from you, IS an emergency.
But, I understand you might feel you're going back a few steps.
Parenting ha! One step forward, loads backwards!
It can be so frustrating can't it?
But, I think short term wins this one. Worry about the dummy reinstatement another day.
I'm a speech teacher and a long term dummy supporter. All 3 of my kids have had one.. With naps mostly, but my middle child was hooked on her dummy, and I had to work hard with her, aged 4, to give it up.
One of the problems being her little baby brother has a dummy and she would see him with it. But due to her being aged 4, I could reason with her. And she's now completely dummy free.
But, you can't reason with a 10 month old.
It sounds like you've got things sorted though.
It's not easy leaving your baby at nursery and I was high maintenance Mum when mine started! Lol!
Good luck with everything WillowB. xx

MrsSparkles Thu 28-Feb-13 13:53:32

Hi WillowB. My DD has a dummy at nursery only for naps and I was very firm that she only has it for naps at home and she should only have the same at nusery.

I think they may have used it a little more when she was settling in (at 14 months), but I reminded them that she should only have it at nap time and since then no problems at all. I tihnk if you trust them enough to send your child there you have to trust them enough to follow your wishes.

Goldmandra Thu 28-Feb-13 12:18:37

Sorry for all the typos! Pressed post instead of preview blush

Goldmandra Thu 28-Feb-13 12:14:58

i think there is an underlying problem her in that you don't particularly trust the nursery staff.

You think they may leave his dummy in his mouth all day against your express wishes and you also think that they would use it as a substitute for cuddles when he is upset.

You use is sparingly now to settle him when he's at home with you and something is troubling him too much for him to be able to self soothe. However you don't trust the nursery staff to use on in a similar way.

Why is this?

How would you feel if parents were withholding some information or resource which could help a child settle into your care for fear that you would abuse it and cause the child long term developmental problems?

I think you need to think long and hard about whether your child is in the right setting.

firesidechat Thu 28-Feb-13 12:01:48

Argh, maybe IABU then. I just don't want him to start crying for it at home at naptime, I was really pleased he seemed to be able to self settle.

I think this is a good reason not to give him a dummy again. You will only have to wean him off it again in the future. I am a bit biased though because neither of mine had a dummy and they still slept well.

DonderandBlitzen Thu 28-Feb-13 11:48:37

It's probably hard for them as if he has been crying/protesting every time they try to put him in his cot then it might be disturbing the other babies' naps. Re what do they do for children who don't have a dummy, they probably ask what the parents do to settle them at sleep times, eg. cuddling, rocking etc. Leaving them in the cot to cry until they fall asleep is probably not an option when there are other babies' sleep to consider.

FannyBazaar Wed 27-Feb-13 23:26:15

When my DS was at nursery part time, he wasn't very good at the whole nap thing, I did get asked one day what worked to get him off to sleep and TBH I was quite surprised. I just assumed that as they worked with children and expected them all to nap at a certain time that they had a sort of trick, I'd always struggled with naps so gave up expecting them. My DS was never in a cot so could always crawl away if he didn't want to nap.

WillowB Wed 27-Feb-13 23:05:10

hilda he's not exactly a sunny baby even when he's with me. He can be hard work probably partly down to frustration at not being able to move around yet & I've tried really hard to find other strategies to keep him happy during the day. Nursery seem to think he's pretty settled when he's awake though. He normally goes down for sleeps like a dream even in hol/at my parents & had done the last few weeks at nursery. The only time I've known him to cry when going down for naps was when he had an ear infection. I'll def keep an eye on him in case it could be something like that.

MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot Wed 27-Feb-13 22:53:48

Maybe one of the others (babies/tots) gave it to him as kids do.

I feel the same about you as dummies, but I think you are doing the right thing sending it in. You give it to him at home when he can't settle (twice in a week isn't 'rarely') and he's distressed when trying to sleep there, it only seems fair to offer him this comfort as you can.

When he's settled in there are you are no longer using it in the night if he's unsettled, you can tell them to stop giving it to him and if he doesn't sleep for a couple of sessions it wont be the end of the world.

HildaOgden Wed 27-Feb-13 22:52:13

How is he generally,WillowB? I just re-read your post and noticed it's only the last 2 days he has been unsettled...is he coming down with something?

MaryThornbar Wed 27-Feb-13 22:47:35

When I went back to work when my son was 12 months I was in a similar situation to you in that he rarely used his dummy at home. However I sent it in to nursery with him (attached to one of those dummy rabbits, so not as easy to leave in all day long!) and they only gave it to him to help him fall asleep for naps.

He still only used it occasionally at home, but I felt happy knowing he always had some comfort at nursery when I wasn't there with him, and that he would be able to fall asleep easily. HTH

TandB Wed 27-Feb-13 22:42:06

Definitely send the dummy. I was very anti-dummies until DS 1 was about 4 months old and the world's noisiest, moaniest sleeper. I cracked and gave him a dummy and we all slept fine from that day onwards.

He only ever had it for sleeping but he didn't give it up until he was nearly 2 when he willingly swapped it for a box of Mr Men books and never asked for it again. He actually didn't have it at nursery, but that was just because he used to get so tired there that he would literally conk out on the floor. No dummy or comforter required.

DS2 is 13 months and is extremely attached to his dummy. He too is only supposed to have it for naps, but if he sees one he'll have it straight in his mouth. He definitely needs it at nursery as he is quite sleep-resistant if there are things going on and it's much easier for them to settle him with it than without. I suspect he'll be harder to wean off it than DS1 but we'll worry about that in a few months.

There's no one-size-fits-all dummies-good dummies-bad approach. If he needs it for a while I'd let him have it nad review in a few weeks when he's settled.

WillowB Wed 27-Feb-13 22:33:30

mamapants haha! I wish! He doesn't even roll (a whole other issue!) if he'd crawled to get it all would be forgiven! I have no reason to believe they gave him one deliberately though I suppose it's possible.

Dp and I could search house from top to bottom and not find a single one of the five million dummies we bought but when dd started crawling garunteed she would always find one somewhere. It's perfectly plausible he just crawled over and took it.

mamapants Wed 27-Feb-13 22:26:24

Mammatj and someone else has suggested that the nursery staff have given the OPs child the dummy. I don't think this is fair to accuse the staff of this. Why is it unlikely that a 10mth old got hold of a dummy?
My 7mth old is constantly stealing toys off other babies, he will crawl and steal dummy out of other babies mouths, try and get peoples biscuits and basically try and grab anything. If the OPs baby is crawling then he will be the same and more than capable of getting hold of a dummy.

Teladi Wed 27-Feb-13 22:20:18

Willow, I know where you're coming from as my DD was in a similar situation (started nursery at 8mo, dummy for naps and bedtime ONLY). The truth is - she was very unsettled at nursery to begin with so they gave it to her more often than I would have normally liked if she were at home - i.e. while she was awake. She wasn't at home though and I think it was needed.

I would send one in since your DS does use it for comfort, but lay out the situation for them, explain you are keen to avoid him using it and your reasons, even write a note, and prepare to keep stressing your dummy 'rules' as your DS gets more settled. When you pick him up, ask them when DS had his dummy and in what situations this was given to him. I found this has worked for me. I hasten to add I have great confidence in the nursery DD attends, the staff have been amazing, but I know that dummy use varies greatly between families so I found I had to be quite clear on what is normal for DD. There are other babies/toddlers there that have dummies in all day, however I am pretty confident that they are doing as I ask. A few months later I had the opportunity to review DD's folio where there were lots of pictures of her participating in various activities. At the beginning there were a few pictures with dummy in, but subsequently dummy was nowhere to be seen. DD does also have a 'lovey' which I am more than happy for her to have when she is awake, I think that helps her too.

DD still uses her dummy for naps and bedtime at 18mo which I don't love, but it is comforting to her so I imagine the current set up will continue for a while.

As for the mysterious dummy procurement by your DS, I think it is a possibility that he saw an abandoned one and went for it, I've seen my DD do the same!

TheSeniorWrangler Wed 27-Feb-13 22:16:46

i've worked with children from small babies up to reception age.

You're doing the right thing with sending the dummy, hopefully the nursery workers will be like the others ive worked with and stick to your conditions over dummys and just use them for naptimes!

HildaOgden Wed 27-Feb-13 22:15:57

When he has a nap at home,it is in the comfortable,familiar calm surroundings with his doting mother or father putting him to sleep in his own cot,in a room on his own (presumably)

When he is having a nap at nursery,he is being put in (currently) unfamiliar surroundings,with a stranger (to him) putting him to sleep in an alien (to him) cot,with other babies in the room.

You cannot possibly compare the two,or expect the two scenarios to play out exactly the same.Give him the soother to ease him.Then check the older kids rooms in the nursery,I'll bet you the older kids aren't being 'plugged in' all day.

WillowB Wed 27-Feb-13 22:13:05

Yes and two yr olds begin life as babies! They don't start using a dummy when they're two. I want to get rid of it completely before then. I don't want this to turn in to a bunfight over the rights & wrongs of dummies. Thanks for your thoughts. I'll send one next week.

MajaBiene Wed 27-Feb-13 22:11:45

When he is happier and more confident/settled at nursery then he won't need the dummy all the time and they can just give it to him for naps. While he is in this difficult transition period though you should let him have it as much as he needs.

pippinsmum Wed 27-Feb-13 22:10:38

How do you know the other babies have their dummies in all day??? That is u assuming something.

It is obvious to nursery staff if a child has a dummy at home but for Some strange reason they don't allow it at nursery as the baby/child will make a bee line for another child who has one.

If your baby is upset, and would get comfort from a dummie then you are silly to not allow it when you use one at home. Just ask staff to limit it to sleep time and if he is really upset.

Also good nursery nurses don't stick dummies in their mouths rather than cuddle them. If you don't trust the staff, don't send him there!

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