To refuse nursery's request for a dummy?

(92 Posts)
WillowB Wed 27-Feb-13 20:49:23

10 month old DS started nursery 2 days a week a few weeks ago. So far so good apart from the odd wobble easily solved with a few cuddles...until yesterday. When I collected him his key worker told me that he had refused to nap & cried when they tried to put him in his cot. She followed this up by telling me that later in the day he had managed to get hold of another child's dummy 'which he really seemed to enjoy' hmm

DH collected him today & they'd had the same problem. Protested every time they put him down so ended up having two very brief naps. Key worker specifically asked if we would send a dummy & has also written this in his diary.

I'm really reluctant to send one as although DS had one for naps when he was tiny, I weaned him off it at 6 months once he could self settle & he doesn't have it now unless its an emergency situation e.g poorly/ wakes screaming in the middle of the night/has a major meltdown in.
I feel it's a bit cheeky of them ask really. What do they do with the babies that have never taken a dummy? My biggest concern is that they won't limit it just to nap time & he will sit there most of the day plugged in (this seems the case with some of the other babies). However I don't want to fall out with them & realise that they have no other means of getting him to sleep (hates being patted or rocked etc).

AIBU?

LolloRosso Wed 27-Feb-13 21:47:06

YANBU. You should ask the nursery to do whatever you do at home, as far as possible. Clearly you don't use a dummy at home during the day. Yes, he will need more comfort whilst settling in and it will be tricky if he doesn't like rocked/patted etc but if you can give the nursery an idea of one thing they CAN do to help your son, that would be better than going against your instincts which you will only resent. Does he like singing to sleep, for example, or swaddled in a blanket or something else?
TBH I would have reservations about a nursery that told me they had offered another child's dummy when you'd either not provided one or told them you wouldn't be providing one, and if you saw children with dummies in a lot when you were there I think that could be a sign of laziness on the part of the nursery staff, but only you will know that from observation etc.

midastouch Wed 27-Feb-13 21:51:57

If he still has a dummy when he needs comfort then maybe he needs that comfort at nursery, 10 months old is still young for a baby to be away from mummy (not that im saying he shouldnt be there) so maybe he just needs dummy til hes settled. Its better to have a content baby at nursery surely

MajaBiene Wed 27-Feb-13 21:52:26

Overuse of a dummy is a problem in older children, not with babies.

Will a dummy give him comfort, make him happier, make this transition a bit less scary for him?

You need to bear in mind as well that each adult in the nursery has 3+ babies to deal with at any one time - they can't spend as much time comforting or getting them to sleep as you would at home.

HildaOgden Wed 27-Feb-13 21:53:38

I think you are being unreasonable.I have worked in nurseries,it always made me feel sad when babies who weren't provided with soothers would swipe one from another baby/toddler.(as it sounds like your child did).It always...without exception...turned out that those babies were indeed provided with a soother at home in the evening/nightime.

Give him the soother.Or wean him totally off it at home too.

I think it's actually quite selfish of you not to....you expect him (and the nursery workers) to manage without it...yet you aren't prepared to do the same??

yummumto3girls Wed 27-Feb-13 21:53:57

I'm torn on this because if you let him have it at nursery he will associate it with nursery and expect it, it's a slippery slope. It is early days at nursery and he may learn to settle without it, it's all so new for him, noise, different environment etc I agree with others though you've got to either give it up completely or let nursery have one under strict instructions. It's difficult OP and none of us would want to think of our DC's at nursery upset and with no form of comfort. Make a decision and stick with it, it's your choice, don't be forced in to doing something you don't want to do.

MammaTJ Wed 27-Feb-13 21:58:04

I would be questioning how a 10 month old managed 'to get hold of' a dummy all by themselves. Methinks there has been some sneaky dummy giving going on by the staff.

I have nothing against dummies, both my DDs had two or three one until they were three. Not out of the house after two though. My DS was not interested.

You are the mum, the one who pays the nursery bill and therefore the one who gets to make the decision.

YANBU.

Flojobunny Wed 27-Feb-13 21:58:23

YABU the poor boy is distressed and u don't want him to feel comforted? He's 10 months old not 3!

WillowB Wed 27-Feb-13 21:58:56

Thanks Lollo I think you have summed it up. It's not the dummy per se but my trust in them that's part of the problem. And to the poster above, are you suggesting that because the other babies sit around with dummies in all day then he should have one too? I've never done this why should I start now? This is my point I'm not refusing him something he has at home. He doesn't have a dummy in the day or for naps. I'm not suggesting they let him CIO. They told me protested when they initially put him down then just lay there grizzling so they got him up & he didn't have a nap. He was fine otherwise not distressed or hysterical.

Sirzy Wed 27-Feb-13 22:00:12

If you don't trust the nursery then why are you sending him there?

TheSeniorWrangler Wed 27-Feb-13 22:02:58

im a long term dummy advocate.. both mine have had them until they chose to give them up.

They were removed from downstairs during the day once they started talking and naps were dropped, but both continued to use them to help them settle at night time.

DS chose to give his up just before his 6th birthday. DD is 4 next month and still has hers.

I'd rather they self soothe with a dummy, than revert to thumb sucking, which becomes a lifelong habit and does much more damage than a few years of nighttime dummy use! (also an early years worker smile )

BimbaBirba Wed 27-Feb-13 22:06:00

If you are so adamant he shouldn't have a dummy at nursery and it's only to be allowed at 4 am (when it suits YOU) then why are you asking us for opinions? Sounds like you have made up your mind already!

WillowB Wed 27-Feb-13 22:06:21

sirzy it was the best by a mile when I was choosing somewhere, however the dummy business has unsettled me a bit.

SirBoobAlot Wed 27-Feb-13 22:07:01

YABU. If you are still giving him a dummy when he needs it, then he is not weaned off it, and still has the need to suckle for comfort. If he's distressed, it helped him when he got hold of another child's, and he was crying when put down, then think it's unfair to withhold it from him when he's distressed in another situation.

It's not as if they will be giving it to him for every minute of the day, but if you still give it to him, so to him it's still a comfort thing.

Ugh I really hate this bullying young children out of their comfort item just because you don't like it. If the poor little mite had a blanket or a bear you'd send it in with him and let him have it without batting an eyelid. The number of threads I read from people taking the dummy away and letting the child scream because a dummy doesn't suit the parent is astounding.

WillowB Wed 27-Feb-13 22:07:40

Erm where have I said I've made up my mind? I genuinely wanted opinions! I said up thread I would send one FFS!

WillowB Wed 27-Feb-13 22:09:11

Gwendoline feel free to have a go if you've read the whole thread. He does have a comforter which I send.

BimbaBirba Wed 27-Feb-13 22:09:24

By the way, there is some evidence that using a dummy after the age of three may be linked to speech delay or teeth problems.
Your DS is 10 months old!! You've got more than 2 years to wean him off it if you really must!
And why did you offer it in the first place if you were so concerned it'd be bad for him?
Ridiculous!

pippinsmum Wed 27-Feb-13 22:10:38

How do you know the other babies have their dummies in all day??? That is u assuming something.

It is obvious to nursery staff if a child has a dummy at home but for Some strange reason they don't allow it at nursery as the baby/child will make a bee line for another child who has one.

If your baby is upset, and would get comfort from a dummie then you are silly to not allow it when you use one at home. Just ask staff to limit it to sleep time and if he is really upset.

Also good nursery nurses don't stick dummies in their mouths rather than cuddle them. If you don't trust the staff, don't send him there!

MajaBiene Wed 27-Feb-13 22:11:45

When he is happier and more confident/settled at nursery then he won't need the dummy all the time and they can just give it to him for naps. While he is in this difficult transition period though you should let him have it as much as he needs.

WillowB Wed 27-Feb-13 22:13:05

Yes and two yr olds begin life as babies! They don't start using a dummy when they're two. I want to get rid of it completely before then. I don't want this to turn in to a bunfight over the rights & wrongs of dummies. Thanks for your thoughts. I'll send one next week.

HildaOgden Wed 27-Feb-13 22:15:57

When he has a nap at home,it is in the comfortable,familiar calm surroundings with his doting mother or father putting him to sleep in his own cot,in a room on his own (presumably)

When he is having a nap at nursery,he is being put in (currently) unfamiliar surroundings,with a stranger (to him) putting him to sleep in an alien (to him) cot,with other babies in the room.

You cannot possibly compare the two,or expect the two scenarios to play out exactly the same.Give him the soother to ease him.Then check the older kids rooms in the nursery,I'll bet you the older kids aren't being 'plugged in' all day.

TheSeniorWrangler Wed 27-Feb-13 22:16:46

i've worked with children from small babies up to reception age.

You're doing the right thing with sending the dummy, hopefully the nursery workers will be like the others ive worked with and stick to your conditions over dummys and just use them for naptimes!

Teladi Wed 27-Feb-13 22:20:18

Willow, I know where you're coming from as my DD was in a similar situation (started nursery at 8mo, dummy for naps and bedtime ONLY). The truth is - she was very unsettled at nursery to begin with so they gave it to her more often than I would have normally liked if she were at home - i.e. while she was awake. She wasn't at home though and I think it was needed.

I would send one in since your DS does use it for comfort, but lay out the situation for them, explain you are keen to avoid him using it and your reasons, even write a note, and prepare to keep stressing your dummy 'rules' as your DS gets more settled. When you pick him up, ask them when DS had his dummy and in what situations this was given to him. I found this has worked for me. I hasten to add I have great confidence in the nursery DD attends, the staff have been amazing, but I know that dummy use varies greatly between families so I found I had to be quite clear on what is normal for DD. There are other babies/toddlers there that have dummies in all day, however I am pretty confident that they are doing as I ask. A few months later I had the opportunity to review DD's folio where there were lots of pictures of her participating in various activities. At the beginning there were a few pictures with dummy in, but subsequently dummy was nowhere to be seen. DD does also have a 'lovey' which I am more than happy for her to have when she is awake, I think that helps her too.

DD still uses her dummy for naps and bedtime at 18mo which I don't love, but it is comforting to her so I imagine the current set up will continue for a while.

As for the mysterious dummy procurement by your DS, I think it is a possibility that he saw an abandoned one and went for it, I've seen my DD do the same!

mamapants Wed 27-Feb-13 22:26:24

Mammatj and someone else has suggested that the nursery staff have given the OPs child the dummy. I don't think this is fair to accuse the staff of this. Why is it unlikely that a 10mth old got hold of a dummy?
My 7mth old is constantly stealing toys off other babies, he will crawl and steal dummy out of other babies mouths, try and get peoples biscuits and basically try and grab anything. If the OPs baby is crawling then he will be the same and more than capable of getting hold of a dummy.

Dp and I could search house from top to bottom and not find a single one of the five million dummies we bought but when dd started crawling garunteed she would always find one somewhere. It's perfectly plausible he just crawled over and took it.

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