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...to make my husband do this?

(39 Posts)
scarlettletter Tue 26-Feb-13 18:04:05

I am a regular and have named changed so as to not out myself, but have a major life changing decision to make for me and my family and just don't know which way to go. Sorry but this is a long one...

I moved away from home after university to the city I live in now, for a great job but never intended to stay for long. It has nice parts, but it also has lots of deprived areas and is known as a bit of a hole in general (don't want to say which city as I don't want to offend anyone).

My sister lives about an hour away and I just thought why not? I met my husband in the first year (he's from the same country as me), we fell in love and five years later got married. Life was good. Great jobs, really nice house. We were so happy. We fell pregnant quickly at this point we jointly decided that we were ready to move home to bring up our kids near our families, we both had great childhoods, know the schools, still have loads of friends there, etc, etc.

We were getting ready to move and all was good, until our daughter was stillborn and our world fell apart. I had a bit of a breakdown and gave up my job and pretty much lost a year of my life. I became totally focused/obsessed with having living kids and for the last three years we have had two beautiful and much cherished little girls. They are my world. Although it has been in the back of my mind, moving slipped into the background. Although I will never fully get over losing our daughter, the girls and time has been a great healer for us both and we have been kept busy with the craziness of having two under two. While previously being majorly career focused I was content to give it all up to be with them.

Now that our head is above water, we are still keen to move home but have really missed the boat as the arse has fallen out of the economy completely and there are no jobs. NONE. My husband has tried, really tried to find something but at the moment there is nothing. Nada, zip.

My husband wants to move home as his an only child and his parents are in their mid 70's and every time we visit are noticeably ageing. I know this really hurts him, he is really close to them and he feels that although they would never say really need him now. The kids adore them and vice versa and I would love for them to spend more time with them. Moving home would be wonderful, but we have tried and it is just not happening, and we cannot afford to move without a job for at least one of us.

I REALLY want to move too, I don't have many friends here, the city kinda gets me down (suffered with PND after dd3) and it is now ten years, since I moved here - TEN years in this shithole, here I never really wanted to be in the first place.

My husbands company has an office in the city that my sister lives in which is about an hour away. They city is cool, lively, inspiring and fun. I would love to live there. We have the option to move into a much smaller flat in a great area, with great schools right in the city. I have put this to my husband but he sees it as a step back. We currently live in a lovely house with a garden and we would be moving to a flat with nightmare parking and all the interesting challenges that come with living in a big city. I see the downsides but am willing to put up with them so we can get out of here. He is making all the excuses in the world but I know the real reason that he doesn't want to move anywhere but home.

Sorry this is so long, it has really helped me organise my thoughts and write it down. If you have got this far thank you.

He doesn't seem to get that I am miserable and I really need to get out of here.. Am I being unreasonable to make him move and uproot the family? I am getting so frustrated we have been through so much as a couple that could tear a family apart and this is affecting our relationship so much that we had flight a few nights ago (after a few to many glasses of wine and I told him I was prepared to go without him). sad

cjel Wed 27-Feb-13 19:51:42

Trouble is if they all move to flat would dcs and dh be unhappy? what would happen then? should they all move on again because they were unhappy , or have to stay because OP was happier?
I would think either stay and work out what makes you so unhappy where you are and can you make changes or relocate to Ireland and get work once there.

QuickLookBusy Tue 26-Feb-13 21:38:51

I think it's very simple, you are very unhappy where you are, therefore you should move.

If you cannot move to Ireland then Edingburgh is a fantastic second option.

I don't think you're unreasonable at all. There's no point in living somewhere you really hate.

galwaygirl Tue 26-Feb-13 21:38:25

I'm in Edinburgh and it is a beautiful place to live with so much to donwhen you have wee ones. DH commuted to Dundee for two years, it knackered him out and wasn't ideal but could be a way to try out edinburgh? He drove and usually there wasn't much traffic as it was all going the other way.
I'm also Irish and there's a big Irish contingent with kids in St Peter's in Morningside.
I can understand where others are coming from in saying stick it out but if it is Dundee you are in I can see how that would be hard.

What areas are ye looking for work in in Ireland?

ImperialBlether England Tue 26-Feb-13 21:26:14

SilverClementine, have you been to Liverpool lately? I am most insulted on its behalf that you said you assumed she lived there.

BridgetBidet Tue 26-Feb-13 20:44:20

I know something about this as my husband is Irish and we wanted to move over there eventually but I know how much this is a non-starter now. There really are no jobs, my brothers in law who are there have either been unemployed for some time or taken massive pay cuts. And these are educated, highly skilled graduates with years of experience behind them.

I would think the only way you could really move back there is if you were prepared to live with family to start off with until one of you found a job which might well be some time and, of course, is not for anybody.

If you are really unhappy I really think YANBU as the move to your sisters city is a genuine possibility and moving home isn't. Could you convince him this is only temporary until the economy in Ireland picks up?

Alternatively is it possible that you can find other things to sell this city to him? For example does it have better transport links to Ireland? Would it enable you to spend more time in Ireland as family and get you there more easily? Would the cost of living/living in a smaller flat be cheaper so you could spend more on traveling home and back?

Can you find some middle ground to convince him to go?

zoobaby Tue 26-Feb-13 20:43:56

Is a move to Edinburgh just a sideways move when what you really want to do is move back to Ireland? If you're going to uproot the DCs shouldn't you do it properly (and therefore only once)? I think you need to decide if Edinburgh is your "forever" city.

the thing is, we could all maybe say what we would do if we were in your situation,

however, it's your life, and, at the end of the day, it should be a joint decision between you and your dh.

it may be that you sell your house and move back to Ireland, live with one set of parents and job hunt

or maybe rent out your house and then do the above

or stay put and make the best of it

or sell/rent your house and move either to, or near to Edinburgh

if your DC are of primary school age it would be easier to move before they get to secondary school

do you have any equity in your property? would you be able to sell/rent it out easily?

I'm a big fan of writing out lists to help me clarify my thoughts. maybe you and your dh would find it helpful to do the same and then make time to sit down and discuss the issue honestly?

littlewhitebag Tue 26-Feb-13 20:31:45

Btw was just thinking. If you want to move an hour away could your DP not commute? We live near Dundee and DH commutes to Edinburgh daily.

ThisIsMummyPig Tue 26-Feb-13 20:30:55

I actually think Broodzilla has a point. It is difficult to apply for jobs in a different area as employers look at your application and can't understand why you would want a job in that area. I was rejected for a job in Manchester for giving a Sheffield address - it's only an hour away. (I rang up and asked)

I don't think you should move to Edinburgh - you will lose a lot of money just by moving house, and you may need that money in the future.

Could you compromise by taking a longish holiday with or near your parents, and looking for work seriously, with your DH joining you for a week or two?

That might give you the opportunity to see how much your location really is affecting your state of mind, without commiting yourself

hackmum Tue 26-Feb-13 20:30:36

Such a sad story, OP, but I don't see an easy solution. Edinburgh is a beautiful city and I can see why you would want to live there (though I don't know where you are at the moment). I have never really liked the place I live now (DP's choice, not mine) and would love to move to a lively city. But I can also see your DP's point of view - he wants to hang on the hope you might be able to move to Ireland soon. I wouldn't underestimate, either, the importance of having a garden when you have children - it makes a huge difference in the summer.

The thing is, you can't both win, one of you is going to have to give in. Perhaps you could set a time limit and say: if neither of us has got a job in Ireland by this time next year, we'll move to Edinburgh?

scarlettletter Tue 26-Feb-13 20:29:31

Thanks Broodzilla I think that is the point really, it is so claustrophobic to be unhappy with your situation. I think I feel like I have been here for too long and the walls are caving in sometimes too.

To sum it all up, I think I am just done, need to move on with my wee unit and escape the pain that this place had for me. Oh god that sounds so dramatic and depressing! Sorry!

Thanks a million for reading and responding to my post. Think we need to sit down and really thrash it out. Pros and cons.

willesden Tue 26-Feb-13 20:21:51

Complete thread hijack by Broodzilla.

littlewhitebag Tue 26-Feb-13 20:20:02

Btw i live near Dundee in a beautiful place. We moved here from the Stirling area which i found a bit depressing.

littlewhitebag Tue 26-Feb-13 20:16:11

I live in Scotland too and can't think what city you live in that could be generally described as a shit hole. Most have lovely parts. Is it the Dundee/Edinburgh situation? Why not move to a smaller place on the outskirts of the city. Most places in Scotland have lovely small towns surrounding the cities.

Broodzilla Tue 26-Feb-13 20:15:47

Have to say: we were lucky that it was xmas time and us living with DM kind of blended in with the general holiday-crazyness... And of course, lucky that they took us in for a non-specific time. But don't underestimate the importance of being in the area, and available for interviews!

Broodzilla Tue 26-Feb-13 20:09:58

I'm sorry to hear what you've been through and that you're so unhappy ATM.

I have been in a similar situation... Living somewhere I had only intended to be for 3 years, feeling trapped in a house with negative equity, in an area where I didn't want my children to grow up in (and desperately wanting another child, but DH saying no more under those circumstances).

We put the house on the market, had viewings, only offers we couldn't even consider. Work situation was dire (for me, DH had a good job). I felt like the walls were caving in on me, the house, life...

We had a constant run of bad luck and bad health (DS) that was badly managed (NHS cock-ups, one after the other, starting with the birth that gave me PTSD...)

After 9 months, the house sold. then the sale fell through. I cried buckets, sure we'd be trapped for 15 years. After a year (51 weeks...) on the market, the house sold again. We did what someone above said you just don't: packed up the house, DH quit his job, and we moved.

We had no house or jobs to go to, as it was all so last minute and right before xmas - we moved in with my DM and her H.

The job hunt was so much easier once we were where we were applying, IYSWIM.

Two months later, we moved out, into a rented house and I started work. DH found a job soon after. Then I got pregnant. Now, 2 years after the original move, it feels like a lifetime.

And in a way, it is...

Now we live where we always dreamt of, with 2(!) DC, and we both are working and happy.

Lots of people thought we were crazy , but I don't think they quite realized just how miserable we were... And now, we're not just happy, we're grateful and will never take what we have and where we are, for granted... We worked hard to get here smile

I know it sounds like I'm peddling cosmic ordering or something... I'm not. (Am I?) just trying to say that sometimes the not-done is the right solution.

scarlettletter Tue 26-Feb-13 19:42:19

Ideally Dublin or Belfast (one set of parents in Dublin the other in Belfast), but we would be open to anywhere. We are both applying, but as I have been out of work for a few years my salary potential has taken a big hit and my husbands job would be the majority share.

See I don't see the move to Edinburgh as a massive down step. Granted the house/flat would be a bit smaller but we would still have the same number of bedrooms and our standard of life would be better. I would also be more likely to get a job there too.

Elephant your post struck a wee cord there for me, and I have thought about this a lot. I definitely was depressed and it is in my nature is to run away. Where as my husbands is to hunker down and ride it out. I guess we just both deal with things differently but I just hope that it doesn't tear us apart.

The thought of living here for 15-20 years gives me cold sweats...

maddening Tue 26-Feb-13 19:29:18

What about other areas of ireland?

Are you both applying for jobs in ireland?

ecclesvet Tue 26-Feb-13 19:14:04

"My question is how long should I wait for this to happen?"

Another 15-20 years if needs be. Part of the deal when having children is that you can no longer make as bold or risky moves, like changing cities or moving without a job. There must be an adequate income. There must be adequate living space. There must be stronger reasons to move than to stay. Can you really fulfill these conditions with any plan you've come up with so far?

ElephantsAndMiasmas Tue 26-Feb-13 19:04:10

TBH I think the only thing you have to lose by moving is space. It doesn't have to be forever and you sound like you might be getting depressed by your location at the moment. On the other hand, you might just be depressed (sorry) and this may not change with a change of place. You know that awful thing about "wherever you go, there you are" - just worth asking yourself the question.

scarlettletter Tue 26-Feb-13 18:56:07

My question is how long should I wait for this to happen?

We have to idea how long this will take. I am terrified that I am going to find myself another ten years down the line, with the inevitable unknowns that is life and still in the same fecking place resenting my husband for the time lost, stuck here cause I don't want to be selfish and move when the kids are settled in their schools/ have best friends etc.

ElephantsAndMiasmas Tue 26-Feb-13 18:52:01

What is your husband's solution? The options are:

1) Stay where you are with nice house but you both homesick (esp DH) and depressed.

2) Move near your sister, have smaller cramped flat. Be happier about some aspects eg company and social life, but probably sad (in time) about lack of space. Your problem is half solved, your husband's isn't at all.

3) Move home without a job. Your husband's immediate problem solved but poverty will soon make you both miserable.

Sorry that's probably not particularly helpful but I just wanted to lay it out. Is there any possiblity of making a plan to move home but change careers/start a business in the meantime? In areas where things are hard a lot of people are self-employed <speaks from bitter experience>

squiddle Tue 26-Feb-13 18:51:25

I would move. Life is too short to be somewhere you hate. Living in a flat is easier when your kids are older.

fairimum Tue 26-Feb-13 18:48:34

could you rent out your house and rent in the city??

sarahtigh Tue 26-Feb-13 18:45:49

my guess is your siter lives in edinburgh and you are maybe in Dundee your Dh wants to go to Ireland, though edinburgh is very nice it is the most expensive place to live in Scotland could you compromise and move to a village half way between the two so 30 mmins to DH office and only 30 mins from EDI but if you really want to go to ireland that is hard if no jobs

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