Mumsnet Talk

I feel horrible, really horrible about this and need to vent. Anyone with good advice please give it up and I will be grateful.

One of my closest friends has a son (age 9) who, every time I see him I like him less. He's rude, indulged, and spoilt. He's never disciplined by either parent. Every time we all get together with my daughter he makes a spectacle of himself and his bad behaviour. He's a terrible loudmouth and egomaniac. For example, we sometimes go to a show or a museum with an activity. He's the kind of kid who, in answer to a question from the stage, bellows every answer and won't allow any other kid to answer a question, and then always wants to "add" something. He then pesters my DC with difficult math questions (he's very advanced in maths and my daughter is two years younger anyway) and when she can't answer he calls her dumb. He's the kid in the room that other parents shake their heads, roll their eyes over and secretly hate. He has a real problem getting playdates.

And yet, I love this horror. I can't help myself. I don't like him very much, but I really care for him and feel that their is a different kid lurking inside of him that for whatever reason isn't being accessed. This isn't about judging my friend's parenting (which, I suppose I do TBH), but about helping my godson. I can't stand the idea that he's going to grow up friendless and isolated and a jerk because his parents either don't see what's in front of them (and believe me, it's not just me who feels this way) or can't be arsed to confront him/work with him to change.

Maybe more of a WWYD? I adore his mum and feel a bit disloyal even typing this, but just had a weekend with him and my shoulders are only now starting to return to their natural position.

My DS2 ticks a lot of the same boxes that you describe. He isn't indulged or spoilt (well, no more than our other three who would never dream of behaving like this). He has Asperger's and ADHD. To an outside eye, it might seem as though we don't discipline him. That's because the usual methods of discipline that worked on the other three don't work on him. In fact, they make his behaviour worse.

Yabu to dislike him so much, as he sounds socially inept rather than unkind or aggressive. if his parents cant or wont see any issues then all you can do is clearly but gently model better social behaviour and try and avoid negativity by other adults.

However, we have been able to train him to show social consideration, even though he didn't pick it up naturally as our other three did. He is nearly 11 and now knows that he mustn't shout out in the middle of a show, or call someone 'dumb'.

He sounds like he may have Aspergers. As he grows up he will probably find a niche for himself. It seems as though you care for him why not offer to take him for the day without his parents see how he is with you and DC without parents there. Oh and at 9 years old he's a bit too old for playdates!

That's interesting Three. He doesn't have Asperger's or ADHD (he's been tested) but it's interesting that he doesn't "pick it up naturally" as he should. It's like he lacks a social antenna.

Too old for playdates? Perhaps you don't call them that, but you know... arrangements that parents make for kids to get together and ... play or do sports or whatever.

Interesting that he's been tested; someone has obviously identified that he has the traits associated with these conditions.

My only suggestion is that when you are with him, you explain the rules of acceptable social behaviour, as they arise.

For example, if you pay him a compliment and he replies with "I know" (DS2 used to do this when he was 9) let him know that the acceptable response is "thank you".

Three that's good advice and I would do that when I'm with him on my own. But to do that in front of his mother which is how I usually see him, seems an implicit criticism of her.

Where I live they just go out and play with their friends and we don't see them all day apart from when they want food. However we live abroad so maybe it would be different if I lived somewhere else I might have to do some arranging on their behalf sounds like a lot of bother (think I've got lazy)

Ha Princess that's how things were when I grew up as well. Sounds wonderful and very much as it should be. However, if I tried that in London with a 9 year old I think Social Services would be called.

Yeah Whistle I suppose it's good for them (I'd still rather be in London than here though!!)

We spend a lot of time and effort teaching DS2 the social skills that others just 'pick up' automatically, so YANBU to feel sad that this boy is not getting the input that you would give him.

If it's any consolation, the resulting social isolation might not bother him as much as you imagine. Although if it does, then .

And you're right Princess it is a bother! I'd much prefer to throw them outside and toss a sandwich after them.

I know kids like this. They always seem really popular to me!

They find other children like them and flock together ime. If he hasn't yet, I'm sure he will in time.

I have no advice op but he sounds almost exactly like my nephew. Also 9, he is exhausting to be around. He has no discipline & constantly shifting boundaries (his parents split almost 4 years ago & there is still constant mind gaming/sniping & one upmanship) there are too many adults 'in charge' as mil acts as another parent, but with a conflicting style to his mum & dad. Over time with us being firm about what we find acceptable, he has learned to behave really well with us, provided his mum isn't there.

YANBU & good luck. It's hard.

He will probably be a Captain of Industry in 25 years.

For now, when he insults your daughter can you just say 'Oi! Don't be rude'? Or will that not go down well with his parents?

I don't think you need to worry too much about him being unpopular. Firstly, he will probably grow out of it. Secondly, people seem to quite like people with a lot of confidence who take charge all the time, even if they are a bit annoying.