Re OH going out

(65 Posts)
AmyCooper Tue 26-Feb-13 14:11:18

My OH drunkenly kissed a girl from his work over a year ago now. I decided to forgive him and our relationship has been mostly very good since. She no longer works there, and I've had no cause for concern about him cheating since.
Anyway, because of this, I do not want him going on any sort of works night out. This includes drinks with colleagues, socialising with colleagues and clients and general work dos. I said that to him at the time, so he's always known this. I have no problem with him going out with friends etc, in fact he's just got back from a lads holiday.
Anyway, he just sprung a colleague/client night out on me. It's tomorrow, he's already paid and is claiming he told me about it ages ago. I don't think he did as I'd have told him straight off that I didn't want him to go. I've told him I don't want him going, and that I'm not budging on that one. Basically, if he goes I'll assume he has a complete lack of respect for me, and it's not something i'd be happy to just ignore.
AIBU to think like this?

jinsymaw Tue 26-Feb-13 23:40:58

Amycooper, BAZINGA! Get yourself some self esteem and sashay that shassy. Darn it, you don't need to worry about no guy. Hell if he 's gonna cheat then no mount of tellin him to stay in will make no difference, he'll do it anyway! Sorry gone all southern American (your name reminds me of sheldon cooper of Big Bang theory). As Jeza Kyle says paranoia will annoyer! LUV yourself and don't let anyone make you feel second best!

DoJo Tue 26-Feb-13 23:25:25

I can kind of understand wanting him to honour his end of the agreement as a sign that he was prepared to make it up to you for his infidelity - not a 'sorry' in the moment, but a lasting commitment to making you feel as though he really meant for it never to happen again. However, now that you have mentioned his other behaviour, I think you might just be hanging your hat on this issue in lieu of acknowledging his ongoing twatty behaviour in all other aspects of your relationship.

FamiliesShareGerms Tue 26-Feb-13 19:58:14

Sounds like you haven't actually forgiven him for the snog. In which case there are big issues to fix in your relationship

undercoverhousewife Tue 26-Feb-13 19:50:31

I think you have moved on to talk about not wanting him to go out drinking nights with the young and single when he is a grown man with DC and responsibilities at home. I agree with you that he should not be doing that if it means he is not pulling his weight at home. If he IS going to, then he should at least give you notice so you can get a babysitter and go out yourself.

But you probably shouldn't relate your objections back to his snogging...that's in the past now and you have to get over it.

however, there comes a point when a father has to step up and put aside youthful drinking with work colleagues (if this is just Friday night piss-ups we are talking rather than an organised work social which is pretty much 3 line whip). Ask your DH how many other people at those work drinks are married ones or whether the married men and women duck out and go home. That might make him (or you!) pause for thought and see what is reasonable.

You are fine about him generally going out, which is just how it should be.

You would get more support and constructive advice in Relationships, so please repost there.

You need to define your problem for yourself, as well, before you do: is it socialising with colleagues you object to, OR going out much more than you can (selfish) OR merely going out to functions which just involve single youngsters drinking themselves stupid?

Good luck.

Crinkle77 Tue 26-Feb-13 15:25:48

I don't really understand your logic OP. The girl does not work there anymore but he still is not allowed out with his work mates? I would be more worried about the lads holiday than going out with work colleagues as generally you are more likely to behave around those you work with.

Sounds to me like you need to plan a few nights out without him or your DC. You will start to resent him even more otherwise.
Sit down with him and talk things through.
Write down how you are feeling about everything.
How much he helps around the house, how often he looks after DC so you can go out, how much time he spends with you all as a family etc....

AmyCooper Tue 26-Feb-13 15:10:05

He won't insist.

Sugarice Tue 26-Feb-13 15:07:58

Vivienne I agree .

OP, what will you do if he insists on going on this night out?

Viviennemary Tue 26-Feb-13 15:06:03

Sorry Sugarice. I missed that. blush But even knowing that. I still think it's either curtains for the relationship or move on and forgive and if not forget put it in the past where it belongs.

AmyCooper Tue 26-Feb-13 15:04:48

I'm not trying to keep him away from other girls, and to be honest he can be a bit of a twat. He does spend time with us but will nearly always take up other offers if he can. I can also count on one hand the amount of times he has looked after dc alone so I can go out.

ENormaSnob Tue 26-Feb-13 15:01:58

Aside from everything else he sounds like a selfish twat.

Does he spend anytime at all with you and your dc?

Are you sure you can get over this incident?

Sugarice Tue 26-Feb-13 14:52:44

Vivienne he didn't tell OP, the girl did.

Maryz Tue 26-Feb-13 14:51:54

Oh dear.

Him kissing a girl is the least of your problems, sadly. And you can't fix it by keeping him away from other girls.

livinginwonderland Tue 26-Feb-13 14:51:52

yabu because you clearly haven't forgiven him. things have been "mostly good" because you don't trust him! i'm surprised he's put up with it, to be honest.

if you trust him, he should be able to go out and socialise with work without you having a hissy fit.

Viviennemary Tue 26-Feb-13 14:51:27

I agree with those who say he should go on his night out. And in any case if he was really deceitful he wouldn't have even told you about this incident and you would have been none the wiser. Nobody would like this to happen to them and it was horrible for you but it's really time to let go now.

Sugarice Tue 26-Feb-13 14:50:54

What are you going to do if he insists on going?

MrsMorton Tue 26-Feb-13 14:49:29

You sound like my H, a lifetime of punishment for something I'm not sure I even did (now I know he's a gas lighter). I'm not saying he didn't do it but you need to either "LTB" or get on with your lives.

I hate my life, I'm like a caged bird, not allowed to even see my parents... what is the logical conclusion to this?

AmyCooper Tue 26-Feb-13 14:47:51

I hardly latched on to what she said, I agreed with her point. I didn't then go on to say that I was of course being reasonable and I would be ignoring everyone else's opinions.

But for how long is it forbidden? Forever?

Its not really practical is it?

AmyCooper Tue 26-Feb-13 14:46:15

Ithinkofhappy, I think you've hit the nail on the head there.

squeaver Tue 26-Feb-13 14:45:57

undercoverhousewife

AmyCooper Tue 26-Feb-13 14:45:23

And had she not told me, one of my colleagues was going to the next day.

AmyCooper Tue 26-Feb-13 14:45:00

And no, he didn't tell me about it. The other girl did.

AmyCooper Tue 26-Feb-13 14:44:24

Also, he doesn't drive so taking the car would not be an option. He's literally just back from his holiday yesterday, is going out tonight and works thing is tomorrow. I've had no break from the kids and have barely seen him. I suppose that is having a big impact on how I'm reacting.

IThinkOfHappyWhenIThinkOfYou Tue 26-Feb-13 14:44:20

If it isn't about trust and it isn't about punishment is it about you thinking that you will look like a twat in the eyes of your ex colleagues for letting him off the leash after what he did? If so I think you should start prioritising yourself and your relationship over the possible idle musings of others. Sorry if I'm way off but it must be about something.

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