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Re OH going out

(65 Posts)
AmyCooper Tue 26-Feb-13 14:11:18

My OH drunkenly kissed a girl from his work over a year ago now. I decided to forgive him and our relationship has been mostly very good since. She no longer works there, and I've had no cause for concern about him cheating since.
Anyway, because of this, I do not want him going on any sort of works night out. This includes drinks with colleagues, socialising with colleagues and clients and general work dos. I said that to him at the time, so he's always known this. I have no problem with him going out with friends etc, in fact he's just got back from a lads holiday.
Anyway, he just sprung a colleague/client night out on me. It's tomorrow, he's already paid and is claiming he told me about it ages ago. I don't think he did as I'd have told him straight off that I didn't want him to go. I've told him I don't want him going, and that I'm not budging on that one. Basically, if he goes I'll assume he has a complete lack of respect for me, and it's not something i'd be happy to just ignore.
AIBU to think like this?

Reality Tue 26-Feb-13 14:14:19

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SenoritaViva Tue 26-Feb-13 14:15:50

You either need to trust your husband fully or not. Do you? The lads holiday sounds like you do, in which case I think you should let him go.

KatyTheCleaningLady Tue 26-Feb-13 14:17:24

Is the short leash a form of punishment that you think you get to exert evermore?

SenoritaViva Tue 26-Feb-13 14:17:35

By the way I believe not trusting him is the start of a breakdown in marriage. I would be pretty furious if DH forbade me to do something.

Sugarice Tue 26-Feb-13 14:18:08

Well she's not working there anymore so you don't need to worry about that.

If he goes are you saying that it will cause you to think about ending your relationship with him?

yaimee Tue 26-Feb-13 14:18:13

It isn't unreasonable for you to expect him to be respectful of your feelings and to keep to his side of the arrangement if he has been aware of it from the time you forgave him.
It doesn't sound like an arrangement that can go on forever though, might it be time to draw a line?

cory Tue 26-Feb-13 14:19:06

Is he going to spend his entire life never able to socialise or perform his professional role at functions because he misbehaved once? That will make his life impossible, will mean somebody else has to pick up the slack re lunching with clients (a job most people aren't desperately keen on) and may well mean he will be first in line in case of redundancies.

And if you don't believe he would cheat, where is the point anyway, except for telling him that I'm going to punish you as long as we both live?

And if you do believe he would cheat, why can't he do that during office hours or on a lads' holiday?

Agree with Reality, you either split up or you come to the point where you move on.

undercoverhousewife Tue 26-Feb-13 14:19:09

YABU to have such a hard and fast rule when it's important to socialise with colleagues in most professions if you want to get on and you need to have trust in a marriage if it is to continue BUT

YANBU to be cross about the way he has sprung this on you at a day's notice with a bit of gaslighting ("I told you about this ages ago") which is indeed showing a lack of respect. Or desperation.

You need to have a good talk and agree that you will trust him and he will in return respect you by being candid about his plans.

mummymeister Tue 26-Feb-13 14:19:39

he is your husband. he is an adult and he is an equal partner in your relationship or at least he should be. if i was him, i would seriously wonder why i am staying with someone who wants to control me in this way. YABU move on, he has, the other woman has. carry on like this and he will walk.

Clearly you do think you have cause for concern because if you didn't, and the person in question no longer works there, you wouldn't have a problem with work nights out.

It sounds to me like this kiss happened on a work night out and even though said person has gone, you are worried it might happen again.

What are you planning, that he can never socialise with colleagues?

I'm not saying you are right or wrong to think like that, I just wonder why it's ok to go on a lads holiday but not to a client party?

Greenkit Tue 26-Feb-13 14:20:07

I decided to forgive him and our relationship has been mostly very good since.

Only because he isn't allowed to do anything!!

I agree with another poster, either forgive him or dont

Lifeisontheup Tue 26-Feb-13 14:21:35

You're stopping him going on a colleague/clients night out? I imagine that goes down a storm with his bosses.You sound astonishingly controlling and I'm surprised he's gone along with it so far and even more surprised that his bosses are happy with him refusing to go out with clients.

He's gaslighting. Get over to Relationships and see what they think over there. FWIW I think it's not about the work nights out, it's about him agreeing to something to make you feel more secure, then forcing you into the opposite without proper discussion.

Maebe Tue 26-Feb-13 14:21:53

Agree with the others - you sound like you are putting him on a short leash as a for of punishment. If you don't trust him any more, then you don't trust him, and that's kind of the end of the line. By the sounds of it he hasn't gone on any work nights out for the past year - surely that is enough of a concession, that is him trying to win back your confidence.

Everyone has their own line. I've been there with the drunken snog and a terrified, humiliated, desperate DP who couldn't do enough to apologise for it, who hated himself for doing it, and all is fine now. But for other people a drunken snog would be something they could never forgive. Neither response is wrong or right, but you sound as though you haven't forgiven him and don't trust him any more.

Can I ask how you found out about the kiss? Did he tell you himself, or did you find out from someone else? Because personally I think there is a big difference there that will say a lot about your relationship.

Yabu, you forgave him, you took him back, it was over a year ago now. Are you going to punish him forever more? You 'not budging' and laying down the law is really controlling and if he posted on here I think my advice would be to leave the relationship.

AmyCooper Tue 26-Feb-13 14:23:16

Thank you undercover, I think that's what's annoyed me the most, the fact he sprung it on me and then made out he'd told me ages ago.
As for his work socialising, it's not at all a part of his job, it's generally piss ups. Most people that work where he does are under 35. It's not a 'grown up' work place at all. He did agree to no more work nights out, as it happened at a Christmas do. I used to work there too, it was fucking humiliating having all my ex colleagues knowing what he'd done to me. Gossip travels fast there.
Also, he hangs out with the lads from work weekly, they have a football team. I just don't see the need for him to be at the piss ups.

bedmonster Tue 26-Feb-13 14:23:34

Sorry, it doesn't really sound like you've forgiven him and it seems like this is a continuing punishment. And you do completely contradict yourself in the first pg of the OP.

What is the problem with the colleague/client night out? I would guess that he didn't tell you at all as he knew you would make his life difficult until the date.

You did ask, so I think YABU. Forgive and move on or part ways.

For what it's worth though, I can understand how you might not trust him due to his drunken kiss, but you have obviously decided to overcome this therefore it's not fair to bring it up over and over again with regards to him socialising.

Tee2072 Tue 26-Feb-13 14:23:42

YABVVVVU

Do you trust him or not? If not, then why are you with him?

fluffyraggies Tue 26-Feb-13 14:24:12

If you've got your head around being able to relax about him going on a lad's night out, i think you need to be ok now about a work outing.

If he's going to cheat he'll do it what ever the label on the night out, IYSWIM?
Lad's night, stag night, work night, quick drink after the gym, catch up with an old friend night etc etc etc

Take a deep breath and let it go now OP. I know it must be hard, but you can't keep this going for ever.

Squitten Tue 26-Feb-13 14:26:40

YABVU

If you can trust him on a lads holiday, a works do shouldn't be a problem. Do you think the environment he's in has anything to do with whether or not he'll cheat? If he wanted to cheat again, he will and it doesnt matter where he is.

I think you have to decide whether you trust him or not. If you do, then you can't put restrictions on him.

You need to get over yourself, and fast. No one will put up with a partner constantly whining and issuing commands for long; he'll either have more affairs or just dump you.

I agree with mummymeister
I would certainly not put up with my OH telling me I couldn't go out with work colleagues.
Blimey, he's a lot more likely to cheat, and cheat properly on a lads holiday!
He will get fed up with being controlled so tightly and he will leave in the end if you don't sort it out.

Sugarice Tue 26-Feb-13 14:27:40

Will you consider ending your relationship if he ignores your request not to go?

Honestly? Its not really an issue whether you "see the need" for him to see certain friends.

It really sounds as though you are punishing him, rather than you dont trust him which suggests you havent forgiven him and moved on at all.

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