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To just expect a bit of loyalty from friends?(73 Posts)
I feel I'm a good friend to my friends, and I'm very loyal. I respect decisions friends make or their opinions even though I may not necessarily agree. It'd be nice if friends could do the same for me but they clearly can't.
I have a group of 7 girl friends, and we have regular nights out and meet ups. One woman from this group, to whom I've never been particularly close, has made it plainly obvious in the past few months that she does not like me. She never replies to any contact I try to make with her, gives me the cold shoulder when we go out as a group, ignores any comments I make on her Facebook statuses and photos, and more recently when a family member of mine died she didn't make any contact to offer any support or say she was sorry to hear the news. So I decided after this not to intiate any further contact with her, and to be polite on nights out, but to class her as an aquaintance rather than a friend.
She is due to have a caesarean on Friday with her third child, and this morning another woman from this group of friends, who I do consider a good friend, has phoned me and basically had a go at me as I've not contacted this woman to wish her luck with her section. I said to my friend of course I wish this woman all the best but that she has made it clear we're not friends as such so I was just leaving things be and not making any contact. My friend is now really cross with me and says I'm bearing a grudge, when I'm not, I just don't have time chasing people who don't appreciate me and can't be bothered with me. I have all the time in the world for those that I consider a good friend and who treat me as I treat them, but haven't the time or inclination to try to please everyone.
AIBU to expect a bit of loyalty and respect from my friend?
I agree with you OP. I think it is really strange of the other friend to stick her oar in! What on earth has it to do with her, unless the pregnant friend had complained to her? Even if she had been complaining about you I find it really odd that the other friend would actually go to the trouble of calling you to tell you off! Stick to your guns but if it comes up again definitely say that you are surprised this woman is bothered and mention her ignoring your recent loss.
Just say you hadn't contacted her because you presumed she had changed her number as on the numerous occasions you had tried before you never had a reply.
I think I am more cross with the friend that moaned at me tbh. And in any case, I hadn't mentioned anything, and it's only Tuesday today, C-section is Friday. Perils of social networking I guess, that we are all expected to follow and comment on each others' every move
I can see your point of view, I'm just wondering if the timing is a bit off. If you've only recently decided that if this other woman wants nothing to do with you then you'll respect that, then the first time that this really shows up is when you don't put a message of support on FB for her CS which you might previously have done, then it might just highlight the change a little more than if there had been a longer cooling off period with nothing particularly interesting happening, IYSWIM.
I think your main problem here is your friend phoning you and sticking her beak in.
And she's the one who's cross?
I would find it very odd and rude of a friend to call me and remonstrate about my lack of contact re another friend's CS. The only reason I could imagine would excuse this is if your acquaintance friend was having grave concerns about either her own or baby's health and wellbeing and other friend believed the reason you hadn't contacted her is because you tend to avoid friends when they are in a crisis and your lack of contact and support had really upset acquaintance friend.
But I don't think this is what you feel is happening OP.
So bossy friend should just butt out imo! Did you ask her, before she got in a huff, why she felt she had the right to question your lack of contact with mutual 'friend'?
Tbh, on the scant information we have here, it sounds like the person who has a problem with this is the friend who is cross with you rather than the pregnant acquaintance.
If I hadn't acknowledged someone else's bereavement, and pretty much ignored them outside of the group environment, then I wouldn't expect a phone call re a CS. Even if I was a bit miffed (with a birth being such a big deal and all), I'd still be able to reflect on things and realise that sometimes that's just how things are.
I think you're doing the right thing, OP.
I hope your friend gets over it - do you think this could be an ongoing source of conflict?
You can't please everyone OP. And if the others in the group take her side in this then what can you do?
Re-evaluate your friendships, I suppose.
To thine own self be true
TSC, she didn't offer any sympathies at all, not even at the next meet up we had. She didn't even mention it. I didn't expect cards or anything like that but she didn't acknowledge anything at all had happened.
I think that when you have a friendship group as large as yours, it's understandable you'll get along with some people more than others.
I think your other friend should have not got involved and that seems to be what is causing the problem rather than whether you phoned someone you aren't really friends with or not. It's none of her business, and even if she had wanted to remind you, she should have done so without the criticism.
If the other woman isn't someone you are really friends with, it might just be that she'd been asked who she'd heard from and just mentioned that she hadn't heard from you.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Sorry everlong, just looked back through the thread. No, I don't know why she is the way she is. We've never been particularly close, and like I said she is a bit of a pampered princess who does seem to take offence at tiny things.
I know what you're saying TheSecondComing, and if it was just the bereavement alone then I wouldn't have any issue. I know that not everyone knows what to say in those kinds of situations. Although the other 6 from the group did text/phone me to see if I was ok, but even so....
Combined with the other things though it's just made me not want to bother. I don't generally do people-pleasing. That's not to say I won't buy her a card/present when she's had the baby though, but I'm not going to jump and wish her good luck just because she and the other friend say that I should.
TSC the friend didn't offer any contact when the relative died, no card or nothing. Which is weird isn't it? Any friend of mine loses a relative and I would be there for them.
There may be a back story to this situation.
OP did you see my questions to you?
Or it wasn't funny as it is actually quite depressing that a woman agrees with this mysogynistic stereotyping.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Sounds like you've made your decision - your other mate will probably come round. Hope so anyway.
Hey, can you argue about female friendships on another thread! This is about me, me, me
In all honesty I probably won't wish her good luck. I really can't be bothered to waste any more time trying to ingratiate myself to her. My other friend will have to just not like it.
Yes, because it makes it so much better you're discriminating against an entire gender in this way and not that way, it makes it almost like it's not sexist at all.
I didn't say they were childish!
I didn't say they were a waste of space.
I did say that female friendships can be political and that everyone seems to have an opinion they are too willing to share.
And in my experience, that's exactly what women are like. All female friendship groups; all female relatives; and all female work places can be a nightmare!
YANBU Why should you already have wished her good luck? She isn't having the Caesarean until Friday so it's a bit presumptuous of your friend to be telling you off now.
If you feel you should wish her luck to keep the peace, don't text her. Write it on her FB wall so that everyone can see. That way she can't 'lose' your text and claim it was never sent.
Clearly I have no sense of humour.
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