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to not tell MIL i go in to labour..

(85 Posts)
rodandtheemu Tue 26-Feb-13 11:37:01

Hi...
Im due in 8 weeks and it's DP first child. MIL is very head strong and has assumed/demanded that she will be also at the hospital too. As she was with her other dgc.

I went to talk to SIL who said she was in and out every 5 mins during labour, going for smokes then actually started banging on window when she was actually giving birth so DH would come out and speak to her. He ignored her and MIL kept knocking.

MIL actually told me the knocking story too but said she was knocking on window as no one came out and told her what sex the baby was. She was quite bemused at this as to why they would be so inconciderate!

I feel i cant trust her to sit in waiting room so dont actually want her at hospital at all!

Also i dont want her grabbing baby when she is born stinking of fags.

I've spoken to DP last night about it and suggested NO one comes to hospital then me and DP can bond with her and then just have every one come to house when i get back some every one can meet her together.

The thing is MIL will be absolutly devostated if she cant come up, we are planning on not telling any body when i go in labour. She will freign the wounded puppy and make the whole birth about her. I dont know wether to tell her no one will be there before hand or just smile and nodd when she brings it up.

WWUD?

Iaintdunnuffink Wed 27-Feb-13 07:37:18

Yanbu

I would talk to your midwife abut the set up at your hospital, it sounds las if your SIL gave birth quite a few years ago? At our hospital the delivery area has controlled entry and only birthing partners are let through. Even the maternity ward was very closely controlled, I did see visitors being encouraged to leave! There was no waiting room for either area, unless you count a cold corridor with no seating.

AgathaF Wed 27-Feb-13 07:19:17

There is evidence to show that mothers who are anxious in labour have disturbed/slower labours (sometimes labour even stops, it is a preservation mechanism in case a place of birth turns out to not be safe and the mother-to-be needs to move), so it really wouldn't be a good idea to have anyone present during labour that you are not 100% comfortable with and trusting of.

PurpleStorm Wed 27-Feb-13 07:05:33

But Fellatio, OP said that MIL was banging on the delivery room window when SIL was giving birth - it doesn't sound like she'd be content to wait patiently in the corridor!

PurpleStorm Wed 27-Feb-13 06:59:35

YANBU.

I wouldn't tell her I'd gone into labour either.

If you can trust her to not nag you continually for the next 8 weeks, I'd firmly tell her now that only DP (and necessary medical staff) will be in the labour room.

Seconding advice about practicing not answering the phone and telling midwives that you don't want anyone except your DP allowed into the delivery ward.

FellatioNels0n Wed 27-Feb-13 06:52:58

I mean outside in the corridor, not literally outside in the street!

FellatioNels0n Wed 27-Feb-13 06:52:34

CAn we just clarify whether she wants to merely be present at the hospital so she can wait outside like an over-anxious mother, or is she actually expecting to be present in the delivery suite? Most poople here seem to think she is, but I didn't read the OP that way at all.

Not that she needs to be there either way unless expressly invited, but some people seem to be reading more into this than is there.

butterflyexperience Wed 27-Feb-13 06:42:43

Ignore the entitled loon
This is about you, dp and baby

Not your loopy mil...

AngryGnome Wed 27-Feb-13 06:24:00

At my hospital, you have to be buzzed in to the labour ward. If your name isn't on the birth partner list then you can't get on to the ward. You can't have visitors till you have left the labour ward and gone up to the maternity ward, and even then there are strict rules on times and how many visitors per bed. I thought it was the same everywhere?

Inertia Wed 27-Feb-13 06:20:14

Surely most delivery wards are controlled entry, birth partner only ?

Anyway if they don't tell anyone when labour starts it won't be an issue.

myBOYSareBONKERS Wed 27-Feb-13 06:09:40

Will the Midwives really stop her coming in though?

I totally agree that you should stick to your guns on not having any visitors on the day your baby is born. It really is such a magical time for the 3 of you that you won't forget. I still often fondly think back to when dd1 was born and I don't think of the time I was in labour, I think of when she was finally born and those hours afterwards of bonding, talking about the labour with Dh and how we felt through it etc.

With dd1, we had all afternoon from 4pm when she was born to 2 pm the next day (visiting hours) with just the 3 of us to bond. When visiting hours started, I was ready then to show off our beautiful baby to our family who were obviously desperate to meet her too.

I would say that it's more than reasonable to stipulate that you don't want any visitors in the first 24 hours, beyond that I think it's a little unfair to expect immediate family (I.e parents and siblings) to stay away without really good reason.

a new baby that hasn't kept you awake, hasn't given you sore nipples, hasn't pooed everywhere, hasn't brought back up a whole evening's breastfeed, hasn't played up when you're trying to settle them - in short, a perfect little being. It's a personal, private time for just the three of you

No but has in some case quite literally just ripped you a new one grin

*<remembers OP is uninitiated>

just kidding OP, it really only stings a bit wink

Your vagina (or stomach) your rules.

It's very simple really.

Babies smell so lovely, they shouldn't be tainted with cigarette smoke

BE STRONG! Make your stand, and dont back down!
Like Begonia says, the smoking will be the biggest issue. Stick to your guns! As others have said, set the groundwork for the future now.

BegoniaBampot Wed 27-Feb-13 00:32:47

Just don't tell her until after and you'll avoid any stressful scenes, arguments, tears etc.

TBh, your biggest problem is the smoking, that is going to cause a major upset. She will never accept your rules on this. My mum was exactly the same regards smoking, even told my sister if she wasn't allowed to smoke in sister's house when she visited her GC then she would never come. Thank God she had stopped before mine came along as I wouldn't have let her see them as she always stunk of fags.

Yfronts Tue 26-Feb-13 23:45:00

if you need to go for a sweep or other early labor appointment, tell MIL it's just a standard appointment to check your blood pressure and urine.

Yfronts Tue 26-Feb-13 23:44:12

tell no one and tell the midwives you don't want any visitors at all ever. They will have to abide by your needs. If you do go into labor when you are round relatives tell them you have a bad headache and are going home.

cafecito Tue 26-Feb-13 23:16:48

yanbu

BackforGood Tue 26-Feb-13 23:11:25

Both my Mum and my Mil were/are extremely reasonable, sensible people, but it never occurred to me to tell either of them when I was in labour (with my first - Mum did come and look after him when I went in with my second!).
I can't believe the number of people on OBEM who have more than their partner there. It's a very, very personal and private time for the Mum and Dad to be IMO.

That's without any of my realtives being the loon the your MiL sounds like she is!

Inertia Tue 26-Feb-13 23:08:43

God no, don't tell anyone when you are in labour apart from DH !

Your MIL has had her turn , she was there for the birth of her own children . She may be the baby's grandmother, but she does not preside over your reproductive system .

And yes, you need to be firm about no smoking around the baby.

IneedAsockamnesty Tue 26-Feb-13 22:38:53

Good god no.

Don't ever even hint that she can come,if you do she will grab that hint like its a free diamond.

doublecakeplease Tue 26-Feb-13 21:42:21

I'd tell her now. My mil is lovely and we get on really well but i think this is partly because i stood up to her in the beginning about certain things (not dc related - more about her gossiping about sil and DP's brother, slating how they raise their kids etc). I told her nicely but firmly that i value 'each to their own' etc and have calmly explained and things i disagree with her on. We have a good relationship because (i hope) she respects me and knows that i won't take any shit Ireland silliness.

Set out your terms calmly but firmly so that there is no room for argument.

My mum is lovely but a bit overbearing. She sharp cottoned on to me saying 'its a good job you had 3 of us to have your way with' in a semi joking way whenever she expressed distaste at our choice if name, outfit, parenting choice...

pigletmania Tue 26-Feb-13 21:23:04

Op just dont tell her anything until after baby is born. If she moans that she was not there, just say it happened very quickly that you dident have time to call. Please keep us updated

Squitten Tue 26-Feb-13 21:20:28

I wouldn't say anything before time OP - you'll just be subjected to 8 weeks of emotional blackmail until you change your mind. Just say yes, of course she can come, and then don't ring her!

I'm always amazed at people who remember to phone everyone when they're having babies. It would never even have occured to me in labour!

ArtexMonkey Tue 26-Feb-13 21:18:39

Don't tell her.

If she sulks: bonus, she sounds appalling.

Win win.

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