to not tell MIL i go in to labour..

(85 Posts)
rodandtheemu Tue 26-Feb-13 11:37:01

Hi...
Im due in 8 weeks and it's DP first child. MIL is very head strong and has assumed/demanded that she will be also at the hospital too. As she was with her other dgc.

I went to talk to SIL who said she was in and out every 5 mins during labour, going for smokes then actually started banging on window when she was actually giving birth so DH would come out and speak to her. He ignored her and MIL kept knocking.

MIL actually told me the knocking story too but said she was knocking on window as no one came out and told her what sex the baby was. She was quite bemused at this as to why they would be so inconciderate!

I feel i cant trust her to sit in waiting room so dont actually want her at hospital at all!

Also i dont want her grabbing baby when she is born stinking of fags.

I've spoken to DP last night about it and suggested NO one comes to hospital then me and DP can bond with her and then just have every one come to house when i get back some every one can meet her together.

The thing is MIL will be absolutly devostated if she cant come up, we are planning on not telling any body when i go in labour. She will freign the wounded puppy and make the whole birth about her. I dont know wether to tell her no one will be there before hand or just smile and nodd when she brings it up.

WWUD?

rodandtheemu Tue 26-Feb-13 12:12:15

bogeyface thanks for the time limit of smoking. I didnt know that. And i think she would just feel a quick wash of the hands would be enough - actually i'd be surprised if she did that!

She once nearly set the bed clothes a lite while she was co-sleeping with her other DGC!! SIL nearly murdered her!! Cue a bitter 17 year war!

agatha your right, I do as there has been issues in the past where she has gotten away with murder. DP does talk to her but she ends up crying - cue DP ''she is not a bad person' excuse.

cees Tue 26-Feb-13 12:18:45

Yanbu

I'd go so far as to take dp's phone and switching it off along with mine and putting them away in your hospital bag until you are ready to tell people.

Your dp might cave in the emotion of the moment and tell her and she will be telling everyone her knocking story with your birth.

akaemmafrost Tue 26-Feb-13 12:26:03

You know I felt really quite angry reading your OP. How can anyone think it's ok to behave like that when someone is giving birth! I wouldn't say a word to her. Tough if she's hurt! The only person who has the "right" to be at the birth of a child is THE WOMAN GIVING BIRTH! Honestly I am flabbergasted that people put up with this kind of thing.

MarinaIvy Tue 26-Feb-13 12:29:24

YANBU, about either (visiting and smoking).

I'm not a big fan of lying to her about it - it's time soembody made a stand, and that could be you & DH. But that's up to you, as is whether to make that stand between now and labour day or after.

Best of luck! And Congratulations.

Bogeyface Tue 26-Feb-13 12:32:54

She once nearly set the bed clothes a lite while she was co-sleeping with her other DGC!! SIL nearly murdered her!! Cue a bitter 17 year war!

And there, in a nutshell, you have her priorities. Not only will she smoke in bed with her DGC but almost kills them in the process.

Stop this NOW, and do not ever EVER let her babysit. I am serious, she will lie to your face about not smoking etc, but she will do it anyway.

greenfolder Tue 26-Feb-13 12:33:52

tell her before, no-one but your dp at the birth- decent chance she will ring you every 2 hours and go to the hospital if you dont answer!

if dsil had baby some years ago, tell her policy has changed and now only dps? brief everyone at the hospital though and they will not let her in.

Bogeyface Tue 26-Feb-13 12:34:00

And a 17 year war? Presumably because the SIL was going OTT and being horrible for blaming MIL? I am guessing that the MIL has never apologised for what she did?

NumericalMum Tue 26-Feb-13 12:36:06

YANBU. We told nobody, mainly because I didn't want anyone worrying as we are in a different country.
Nobody would be coming near my newborn after smoking. Not even God!

ddubsgirl Tue 26-Feb-13 12:40:17

would have liked to see her knocking on the window at our local hospital- labour ward is on 13th floor :D

ChaoticisasChaoticdoes Tue 26-Feb-13 12:42:45

Do not tell her. She doesn't have a right to know you're in labour.

She sounds like a selfish, manipulative, drama queen turning on the waterworks when she can't get her own way.

MummytoMog Tue 26-Feb-13 12:42:46

YANBU We had to tell MiL when we were having DS because we needed someone to sit with DD and my sister was on holiday. She was a bleeding nightmare, telling me I couldn't be in labour because I was too calm. Feck off. Then she tried to insist that she stayed for the first few days to 'help us settle in'. Next time, if there is a next time, I'll have a home birth and they can all sod off if they think I'm telling anyone until the baby is here.

rodandtheemu Tue 26-Feb-13 12:46:48

bogey MIl dosnt do apologising she just steams out or crys, She can be very rude and childish, i could go on for hours! But she acts as if she is on the verge of a mental breakdown so all ways gets a way with it. Sil has had it tough with her.
MIL thought she was going to do the child care when i go back to work but DH even said no way.

I'm actually dreading it!

RedToothBrush Tue 26-Feb-13 12:46:49

Tell her the truth. You are going to have to deal with it, before or after. You can't avoid it.

She's not welcome. Its not up for debate. And she has no right to be there and shouldn't expect to be there. She is intruding and needs to give you space.

If she doesn't like it, or lays a guilt trip, just tell she needs to respect your decisions or it will damage the relationship. If that fails, treat her like she deserves; like a spoilt child.

wigornian Tue 26-Feb-13 12:52:56

Stick to your guns, start as you mean to go on. We told no one DC was going to be induced, went in, made no contact until 36 hours later when DS had arrived and settled. Then rang both sets of parents!

I don't think YABU at all.

I was adamant with DS1 that I didn't want MIL to know I was in labour - mainly because she would have been "waiting for updates" constantly, and probably turning up at the hospital. She would have also told everyone I was in labour, and I just felt like I would have been under a lot of unnecessary pressure. As it was, my labour was 43 hours, so there would have been a lot of waiting!

Thankfully now ex agreed (after a lot of arguing). We wanted to keep it just us (with my parents knowing as they were our taxi service) and it worked well.

diddl Tue 26-Feb-13 12:56:28

She´ll be devastated if she can't be in the room whilst you give birth?

Well, she'll get over it-life's full of disappointments, isn't it?

Sometimes I think that women are too precious about pregnancy & birth.

But I do think that someone actually in the process of giving birth gets to decide who is in the room with her.

Any necessary medical staff excepted, of course.

forgetmenots Tue 26-Feb-13 13:16:58

My MIL (or DH's mother, as I prefer to call her) doesn't even know I'm pregnant. I hope she will not.

Stand firm. Don't be pressured into this, you've had the warning with her behaviour with SIL, if you let her in and it happens again then you were warned. Do whatever you need to do to birth in a calm and relaxed environment.

How do she and SIL get on now, btw?

firesidechat Tue 26-Feb-13 13:22:28

Oh my goodness. There is no way that I would allow her anywhere near me. YANBU.

When I had both of my children it was just me, husband and a whole army of medical staff. I was induced so other family members could have turned up, but they are very well mannered and thoughtful and wouldn't dream of intruding. I love my family!

ceebie Tue 26-Feb-13 13:25:38

Yes, tell her in advance that you won't be informing anyone when you go into labour. Then she can do the worst of her sulking, crying etc now (and over the next 8 weeks), rather than doing it when the baby arrives and making the birth all about her. As long as you're positive that your DH won't cave in to her pressure.

Whocansay Tue 26-Feb-13 13:35:12

Say nothing. If you tell her she will spend the remaining weeks working on you and your dh to change your minds. Don't be shy. Tell her afterwards and if she turns on the waterworks, give her a cold, hard stare and remind her that you've just had a child and its not about her.

ceebie Tue 26-Feb-13 13:40:11

Oh, and practice not answering your phone for long periods of timeevery so often. When I went into labour, DM guessed because we hadn't answered the phone.

Dahlialover Tue 26-Feb-13 13:50:47

Don't tell her. It will be a blessing for your, your OH and your child and all the hospital staff too.

Agree with practicing not answering the phone - that may be useful afterwards too. Make sure that only certain times are convenient for a short while.

Ooh, you had my YANBU at "MIL is very head strong and has assumed/demanded that she will be also at the hospital too. " smile I don't react well to demands.

As others have already said, start as you mean to go on. With luck she'll bugger off with a big sulk on. And her fags.

TBH, I just took it for granted that I wouldn't tell anyone when I went into labour confused, and I frankly never realised that anyone felt that they had to. I expected I would have other things on my mind, and really didn't see the point of putting everyone on tenterhooks. <accepts I am odd that way>

Scholes34 Tue 26-Feb-13 14:33:46

The most magical time when you have a baby is the time when the midwives have decided all's well and they go off to do their paperwork, leaving you, DP/DH and the new baby on your own - a new baby that hasn't kept you awake, hasn't given you sore nipples, hasn't pooed everywhere, hasn't brought back up a whole evening's breastfeed, hasn't played up when you're trying to settle them - in short, a perfect little being. It's a personal, private time for just the three of you.

You need to make it clear now that you'll be calling no-one when you go into labour until after the birth. I'm sure she'll play up, but best to deal with that now, than have to deal with her turning up unannounced at the delivery suite. You can tell the midwives there not to let anyone in, though.

MarinaIvy Tue 26-Feb-13 16:34:40

Aaarrrggh! It just gets worse! That she co-sleeps with DGCs! (I don't see any reason to do that with a baby unless one's breastfeeding). Even if she didn't smoke that precise second (and I wouldn't put it past her!), O the stench!

Please tell her she won't be allowed to the birth, or even to see baby until she quits smoking. That'll piss her off so much you might never have to see her again (and has the added benefit of being not entirely unreasonable, for external audience's benefit).

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