To feel a bit upset that my friend has not invited me to her wedding?

(277 Posts)
stormforce10 Sun 24-Feb-13 22:52:57

We've known each other since we were 11 and stayed good friends. I met her fiancee on a train which got delayed, we talked for hours, stayed in touch and a few years ago I introduced them and 10 months ago they got engaged.

This evening I spoke to her and she told me that she's decided not to invite me to their wedding in April as she only wants a small one. Fair enough but given she's invited all her work colleagues and quite a lot of our other friends and their families AIBU to feel somewhat upset and wonder if there is another reason she's decided to leave me out

Manchesterhistorygirl Tue 26-Feb-13 11:02:11

Storm that's awful. A good clearing out session will help you clear your mind and clarify things. Hugs.

My best friend pulled a similar stunt, she suddenly refused to be my chief bridesmaid and cut all contact. I invited her to the reception and she came and ended up being thrown out. It hurt at the time, but I know it was for the best now and in time you'll feel better to let this friend and the gossipy one out of your lives.

LayMizzRarb Tue 26-Feb-13 11:20:12

Lord, I would be dumping her pretty sharpish. Wouldn't even stop to discuss it with her. She is obviously extremely insecure, and wants a whipping boy - you in this case. You sound like you have a fab ? DP and DC. Focus on them.

Astelia Tue 26-Feb-13 11:24:56

She didn't believe her DF but was going to marry him anyway? She didn't talk to you about it or investigate these wild accusations? shock

StephaniePowers Tue 26-Feb-13 11:34:42

I'm totally intrigued: What's the relationship between you and the person who told her, and what do YOU think his/her motivation was for telling this story? Do you think it's a complete fabrication from absolutely nothing, or is there something, anything that might have been misconstrued at some time to make this person feel certain enough to tell your friend what he/she had heard?

AndFanjoWasHisNameO Tue 26-Feb-13 11:36:16

Oh Storm hmm you poor thing! What a bloody nutter-does her DF know that he's meant to have been shaving around too or is he as in the dark as you were?
Don't contact her at all until you calm down and think about what end result you want here. Defo speak to your DH about thinks too-you don't want her dragging him into matters and misconstruing the whole situation.

shewhowines Tue 26-Feb-13 11:37:31

She's the one going to pay for it long term. She's marrying a man she doesn't trust (whether he's guilty with someone else or innocent, it's going to impact on their relationship) - and she's lost a good friend.

I'd leave the ball in her court. If she's realised she's wrong, then it's up to her to repair your relationship. It's possible you could get over this but only if her actions now make you want to save it.

She can't be happy marrying a man she thinks has already cheated on her. It's up to her now to save your friendship. You need to decide if you want to let her try or if you never want to speak to her again.

Could be possible that the fiancee has indeed been shagging around with someone else, and the person who told the friend assumed it was the OP he was shagging.

StephaniePowers Tue 26-Feb-13 11:45:14

Just as an aside, and I'm quite sure nobody cares, but there's a special circle in my hell reserved for women who ditch their friends for men who they know are shits.

Of course in this case he's not a shit, because he didn't have sex with you (we assume!), but as far as she's concerned, he did. So in her silly mind she's gone: friend and fiance had sex, I know how to solve this, I'll leave my friend hanging and carry on getting married to the deceiving shit.

Actually come to think of it: did she not check with him first that it was true? You'd think she'd want to do that...

Omnishambolic Tue 26-Feb-13 11:53:45

Stephanie, OP says that the bride chose to believe the shit-stirrer over the groom, so he must know what she thinks and (unsurprisingly, since it's not true) denied it. I'm astounded he's willing to go ahead with the wedding when he knows she doesn't believe him (or perhaps she's told him she does believe him, and he doesn't know that OP has not been invited).

EldritchCleavage Tue 26-Feb-13 11:54:32

Oh you poor thing, that's fupped uck.

I would tear a strip off the 'informant' then ditch all three of them, informant, fiance and friend (there's clearly no loyalty or trust from her, is there?).

It was a bizarre reaction to believe it without asking you yet stay friends then pointedly exclude you from the wedding. And your point about the fiance is spot-on: why marry him at all in these circs?

StephaniePowers Tue 26-Feb-13 11:56:33

Thanks Omnishambolic.

It all sounds a bit odd to me. What normal person would want to marry a woman who's accused him of shagging her good friend and refuses to believe it didn't happen: yet will marry him anyway? Has he no self-esteem?

Have been lurking...I am glad you found out what was behind it, rather than sitting wondering for ever whether you had done something wrong. Now you know someone else was stupid, and she for whatever reason believed it.

You know her, you have liked and trusted her - when you've recovered, maybe you can give her a chance to apologise. There is presumably a reason why she behaved so stupidly, and I believe people should be allowed to make stupid mistakes occasionally - none of us are perfect. If she properly apologises your friendship may yet be saved.

You sound lovely btw, kind, humble, good friend. She is crazy to risk losing your friendship.

BookieMonster Tue 26-Feb-13 11:57:51

sad You poor thing.

Hullygully Tue 26-Feb-13 12:04:19

That is SO mad.

I think I would feel sorry for her. How could you be so despearte that you were prepared to marry a man you thought had slept with a friend???

But she isn't someone to be friends with any more. If she'd do that, you can't trust her and there is obvs something not right with her.

EnjoyResponsibly Tue 26-Feb-13 12:08:42

Fuck.me.

What a grade A arsehole.

Putting aside the spite of the person that's invented this story, can't the stupid woman work out herself that her DPs willy won't reach all the way to France?

I bet your house is super clean now though OP. injustice always powers me on.

Sooner or later people are going to cotton on that she's been so utterly unreasonable toward you. That wedding might be smaller than she thinks.

I reckon you shouldn't be quiet about this if it crops up in conversations. If people have been asking why you're not invited, then it's noticeable. It will also put the person who told your friend at a disadvantage if you make the accusation public, as so many people believe that old saying "there's no smoke without fire" and may be willing to assume that something did happen between you and the fiancee if you try to keep it quiet.

LemonBreeland Tue 26-Feb-13 12:10:18

Wow just read this whole thread. So sad and angry for you.

Is this something that the BTB has heard recently, or has she been stewing on it for ages?

I would never have anything to do with her again.

I'm as confused as everyone else about you (possibly ex-)friend's reaction here. Utterly bonkers.

Why would you marry a man that you genuinely believed slept with someone else the night after you got engaged? It makes no sense.

Once you've done being angry at her for believing such nonsense, you will probably feel sorry for her. Her marriage is almost certainly doomed from the start and she's alienated a very close friend (who might have been a source of support to her as her marriage crumbled). She doesn't need a special circle of hell; her own life will be bad enough.

Xiaoxiong Tue 26-Feb-13 12:18:05

I was lurking earlier - was hoping it was just a thoughtless bridezilla problem but what a total shock. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this sad

I can't believe her front in asking you to call "when you've calmed down" as if the problem is your overreaction. You would be quite justified in contacting the informant (as long as you're really sure it was that person), telling them exactly what you think of them, and then never speaking to any of them ever again. Life's too short to deal with shit like this.

StephaniePowers Tue 26-Feb-13 12:21:53

I'm confused by all three of the people involved.

The friend believes you shagged her fiance: keeps fiance even though she doesn't believe him when he says you didn't, ditches you in this most roundabout way.

The fiance carries on with her even though she doesn't believe that he didn't shag you, and she's willing to end a friendship over hearsay.

The person who told her: why? why would someone do that to you?

(I have said all this down the thread: this is just a summary grin )

Yes, Stephanie. All complete madness. It makes no sense.

OP: say 'no' if you're ever invited on to Jeremy Kyle with these people.

StephaniePowers Tue 26-Feb-13 12:26:59

There is a detail missing, mark my words grin

The pieces will fall into place when we know what it is.

(Just messing, stormforce10, obvs I think ditch the lot of them and be done.)

AThingInYourLife Tue 26-Feb-13 12:32:16

Please come back and tell us what happens with the person who told the lie.

<nosy>

Sparkleandshine Tue 26-Feb-13 12:33:05

Wow - I feel for you.

I think though you need to be back on the phone to both the (ex) friend and the tale teller and (very sweetly) suggest that if this untrue story ever reaches the public domain you can do much much worse....

I have just been on the receiving end of something similar, and smoke=fire. true or not. You need to frighten them both into full retraction and apology.

atthewelles Tue 26-Feb-13 12:41:24

I can't believe this wedding is going ahead. The bride is willing to marry someone she believes has slept with one of her oldest friends. The groom is willing to marry someone who refuses to believe him when he tells her this isn't true.

And somehow, in the middle of all of this, the OP is being made to feel that she's done something wrong.

That pair need to sort themselves out.

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