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To be really upset about this?

(104 Posts)
extremepie Sun 24-Feb-13 18:30:54

My parents have just phoned to tell me they are coming for a surprise visit in 3 days time.

Ok, little bit annoyed that we didn't have more time to prepare but we moved to a different part of the country just before Christmas so I haven't seen them in about 6 months and am happy that they will be visiting, especially since DS really misses them.

The problem us DH doesn't exactly get on with my parents and basically had a massive screaming fit when he found out saying that he has no say in what happens in his own house. He is now demanding that I phone them back and tell them they can't come.

Essentially he is making me choose between offending my parents or upsetting him.

AIBU to be upset? What should I do?

usualsuspect Sun 24-Feb-13 18:50:31

Why doesn't he like them?

ShipwreckedAndComatose Sun 24-Feb-13 18:50:32

What's the reason that he doesn't get on with them?

MajaBiene Sun 24-Feb-13 18:51:17

Does he have genuine reasons not to want them in his house?

Unless he has a good reason not to want them to come, I think putting up with in laws you don't much like once in 6 months is part of being married/having kids.

SilverClementine Sun 24-Feb-13 18:53:45

Fair enough maja, but at 3 days notice? and with no say in the matter?

I'd be fuming if I was your DH and our parents are lovely!

mynewpassion Sun 24-Feb-13 18:53:56

As for what you can do, tell your husband to suck it up for a few days and that you will talk to your parents to ask first before visiting in the future.

Hopefully, while they are visiting, your husband will be at work so can avoid them for the most part. Plan one evening where your parents babysit while you and your husband go out to dinner alone (again, avoidance).

MajaBiene Sun 24-Feb-13 18:56:09

Parents should have asked not told, and 3 days notice is not much, but some things (like annoying visits once or twice a year) you have to grin and bear even if you're not happy.

XiCi Sun 24-Feb-13 18:57:30

Then my idea of family is clearly very different to most on MN

Me too usual suspect. If I had moved away from my parents, hadnt seen them for 6 months and they called to say they were coming for a surprise visit in 3 days I would be over the moon.

Id be happy for any of mine or DHs family to stay at short notice because funnily enough I love them.

Unless you have a really toxic family I think its fucking sad to think otherwise

maddening Sun 24-Feb-13 19:00:28

Are you allowed to veto his family from entering your house to then?

mynewpassion Sun 24-Feb-13 19:01:13

That's the difference. Normal families who like each other can be forgiving about short notices with minimal griping.

In this case, the DH doesn't like his in-laws for whatever reasons and asking for common courtesy about convenient times to visit.

FernandoIsFaster Sun 24-Feb-13 19:02:08

I would be fuming if Dp said pil were coming to stay in 3 days without speaking to me, because pil and I really do not get on and haven't been in the same room for a year or so.

I think your DH was unreasonable to shout, but I don't disagree with him being mightily hacked off if they have a long history of disliking each other and you have sprung an overnight visit on him.

usualsuspect Sun 24-Feb-13 19:03:22

He needs a bloody good reason to go off on one and demand op cancels her parents visit.

NopeStillNothing Sun 24-Feb-13 19:03:41

Impossible to judge who ibu without knowing more details. Ofcourse your DH shouldn't have screamed, but I would have been royally pissed off in his position and I actually get on with my Pil.

There are a number of threads on here about toxic inlaws where posters have been actively encouraged to refuse to allow in laws in their house again. The fact he is a man should not cloud judgement.

ThingsNeedToChange Sun 24-Feb-13 19:05:47

He does have a say in what goes on in his house but seems as its yours too then so do you. He might not like it but he should just suck it up and accept it because their your parents

usualsuspect Sun 24-Feb-13 19:05:54

Come on op, we need more details

GhoulWithADragonTattoo Sun 24-Feb-13 19:07:03

I love my parents and get on OK with my ILs but I would want to tidy the house, get their room ready, do some food shopping to get nice things in and look into things to do. I'd need to fit all this in around the other things that I have to do anyway. I would want a bit of notice to prepare if not I get anxious. Not everyone would need this but I would and it doesn't mean I don't love my parents.

WidowWadman Sun 24-Feb-13 19:07:13

I'd be mightily annoyed if my husband behaved like that. Parents aren't unreasonable either, as they have phoned and not just turned up bag in hand on the doorstep.

Unless you had something else planned during the time of the visit there is no reason to cancel on them. A screaming fit is definitely out of order.

mathanxiety Sun 24-Feb-13 19:09:49

You should never give in to a tantrum, so your parents should come - you should make a point of it.

It is your house too. Don't back down. Doesn't matter what the issue is or how short the notice was - stand your ground here or he will throw another tantrum next time he feels miffed.

massive screaming fit when he found out saying that he has no say in what happens in his own house. He is now demanding that I phone them back and tell them they can't come.
Your H is an overgrown toddler. Don't encourage him.

SilverClementine Sun 24-Feb-13 19:10:58

I think it's a bit unfair for people to say that just because you wouldn't allow family to insist that they are visiting in three days time, somehow indicates you come from a toxic family.

Mine and DPs family are lovely, we see each other lots and all get on. That doesn't mean I have to drop everything and accommodate them on a visit at 3 days notice, at their insistence. It's just rude.

Had they asked rather than insisted then that would be a different matter entirely. It's how Its framed that bothers me.

raisah Sun 24-Feb-13 19:20:48

Well maybe in 20 years time he will be banned from visiting/staying with his dc by a future dil/sil& see how he likes it then. My dh can only see his db once every few months at our house or in a cafe because his wife is anti social & doesnt like people visiting. What a sociopathic arsehole.

extremepie Sun 24-Feb-13 19:22:11

Sorry, I did just post more details but for some reason it didn't work!

Basically, there isn't a good reason for them not to come, we have plenty of space and are not working at the moment so it will not impact on our lives that much.

DH feels that they are a bit over critical sometimes (which they have been) - it can be annoying but I know its only because they care.

mynewpassion Sun 24-Feb-13 19:24:45

DH feels that they are a bit over critical sometimes (which they have been) - it can be annoying but I know its only because they care.

Tell that to the other posters who are writing about their overbearing and annoying MILs.

extremepie Sun 24-Feb-13 19:24:48

Oh, forgot to say the main problem is if I told them they couldn't come they would be really upset, especially since if is their anniversary on Thursday and they are booking time off to have a mini holiday and visit us at the same time - they will be staying 4 days as it is a 300 odd mile trip (one way) for them. They would be very hurt if I phoned back and said no sad

Euphemia France Sun 24-Feb-13 19:29:15

Presumably DH will be at work most of the time?

OHforDUCKScake Sun 24-Feb-13 19:29:42

Will your in laws never come up and stay then? How would it work when tne shoe is on the other foot?

SparklyAntlersInMyDecorating Sun 24-Feb-13 19:30:56

"Only because they care."

What I said earlier - he has the right to say who is in his house - as do you to see his family, but he has the right to be consulted, you have the right not to be screamed at. Communication needed all round.

Also, family or not, you ask someone if you can stay!

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