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AIBU?

To be pissed off at the way my mum mollycoddles my brother.

55 replies

CelticPixie · 24/02/2013 15:32

My brother is almost 30 and still lives at home with my parents. Despite having a good job he lives there rent free and does pretty much sod all to help about the house. My mum does everything for him. She cooks, does his washing and his ironing. He apparently cannot do these things for himself even though you could train a performing chimp to operate a washer and iron some clothes. He can't even make a doctors appointment for himself, she has to do it for him.

He treats the house like a hotel coming and doing as he pleases. He drives a top of the range almost new sports car, holidays several times a year, eats outs with his girlfriend several times a week and wears designer clothes all the while telling people that he can't afford to move out! But you can't reason with my mum at all about it, she is blinkered when it comes to her golden boy. She refuses to criticise him and jumps on anyone who does. I know my dad agrees with me because he's told me as much when my mums not about but has learned to keep schtum for a quiet life. If he starts on golden boy he's accused of picking on him!

I get on well with my mum most of the time, but I hate seeing her used a personal maid when she's not getting any younger herself. She has bad arthritis and has been ill with depression and stress in recent years. I'm struggling to hold my tongue, but I know if I say something my brother will never speak to me again because he's that kind of person.

What to do?????

OP posts:

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expatinscotland · 24/02/2013 15:35

Nothing. It's her life. After she dies, I'd cut my brother out.

ilovesooty · 24/02/2013 15:38

YANBU to feel angry, but I don't think you can do anything. Sadly, it seems to be your mother's choice to behave like this and to enable your brother to take advantage. I'm surprised your father isn't able to assert himself though.

CelticPixie · 24/02/2013 15:39

There are other things which I didn't include in my first post because I didn't want to waffle on. I know its her life, but I think she's coming to an age now where she should be sitting back and relaxing and enjoying herself. I don't know maybe its a mother/son thing? I only have girls so I don't really get it lol.

OP posts:

comingintomyown · 24/02/2013 15:39

Its up to her really , maybe she likes doing all that stuff bizarrely some women do

wannabedomesticgoddess · 24/02/2013 15:45

I could have written the OP.

Theres really nothing that you can do. I dont speak to my brother anymore. His attitude is disgusting.

Just try to help out your mum as best you can and try to block out the nonsense with your brother.

Personally, I think some women truely believe that men cant look after themselves and they need a woman to do it all for them.

crazycanuck · 24/02/2013 15:45

My mom would be like this with my brother if he still lived at home. He's 4 years younger than me and he never had to lift a finger when we were growing up. I had to do loads of chores and housework while he sat on his arse watching TV. As a result he is extremely self-entitled and I pity any woman he ends up with. YANBU to be annoyed but I don't think there's anything you can do about it.

And it's not a mother/son thing either. My DS is 7 and he's been making his own bed and emptying the dishwasher/setting the table/tidying up after himself for 3 years now.

YellowDinosaur · 24/02/2013 15:47

I have sons (albeit 5 and 7). Not a prayer I'd do this for my boys. It's not helping your brother is it, just turning him into an unpleasant entitled wanker. I want my sons to be able to take care of themselves, have a sense of personal responsibility and be considerate of others. So no, it's not a mother / son thing.

I'm stunned he has girlfriend in all honestly - these characteristics are something I'd expect anyone with anything much about them to find deeply unattractive.

CelticPixie · 24/02/2013 15:47

Ilovesooty my dad is just very passive. My mum is also quite a moody person and really drags others down when she's in one. He's lived with her long enough to know that if he ever said anything she'd go into another week long sulk over it.

OP posts:

Mmmnoodlesoup · 24/02/2013 15:49

I could've written the op too, as could a few of my friends, sad Innit

expatinscotland · 24/02/2013 15:49

'As a result he is extremely self-entitled and I pity any woman he ends up with. '

He'll be single because few women are willing to put up with bastards like this anymore. Nowadays, a lot of people have to both work and don't have time to be skivvy on top of that.

expatinscotland · 24/02/2013 15:50

It's not doing your son any favours to do this, it's infantalising them so they end up single for life instead of getting a life.

CelticPixie · 24/02/2013 15:51

My brother is already is an entitled wanker lol! He's always been like that, he's very arrogant and has a domineering attitude. He actually told me once that when he leaves home he will expect his tea on the table every night when he gets home from work. I pity the poor woman he ends up married to.

OP posts:

aldiwhore · 24/02/2013 15:53

Your mum is allowing this.

YANBU to be annoyed, it's annoying, but both your Brother and Mum are in it together.

He actually has a girlfriend??? Sheesh...!! REALLY???? lol

expatinscotland · 24/02/2013 15:54

'My brother is already is an entitled wanker lol! He's always been like that, he's very arrogant and has a domineering attitude. He actually told me once that when he leaves home he will expect his tea on the table every night when he gets home from work. I pity the poor woman he ends up married to.'

He'd better find a mail order bride then, because I don't know any woman under 40 who'd put up with that.

HazelnutinCaramel · 24/02/2013 15:57

I'd start making a few jibes at him about being a mummy's boy and still living at home at 30. Make out he's a bit of a sad case.

Hitting him where it hurts - his ego - might make him think a bit. Or he might just continue to be a tosser.

wannabedomesticgoddess · 24/02/2013 15:57

My brother has a gf too.

Shes very very focused on her career (good on her) so I really cant see it lasting once he realises she isnt going to be wee wifey.

raisah · 24/02/2013 15:59

How long has he been with his girlfriend? Do you get on with her? The reason for asking is for you ask what their long term plans are? If you plant the seed in her head about moving in together, with any luck she'll push for them to live together. He will get the shock of his life when he finds out he cant treat his dp like his dm, an unpaid skivvy. No matter what culture a person is from, there will always be women who breed chauvanistic men.

PessaryPam · 24/02/2013 16:01

Your DM is screwing your DB up. He will be increasingly unable to fend for himself and will probably end up an alcoholic and a suicide. This is what I have seen over and over again. Your DM is ruining him and there is absolutely nothing you can do so disengage.

MammaTJ · 24/02/2013 16:01

It is the girlfriend I feel sorry for, should the relationship progress!

CelticPixie · 24/02/2013 16:02

His girlfriend is ten years younger than him. She's actually very nice, but very young and I'd be very surprised if it lasts long term. She's only the second girlfriend that we know of, the first only last a few weeks lol

OP posts:

quoteunquote · 24/02/2013 16:03

How sad,

My brother is already is an entitled wanker lol! He's always been like that, he's very arrogant and has a domineering attitude. He actually told me once that when he leaves home he will expect his tea on the table every night when he gets home from work. I pity the poor woman he ends up married to

there is a reason he hasn't left home and this is it,

the only woman who would attempt to have a relationship with someone like him is someone who probably needs the pity in advance,

Have you sat down and talked with him about it, does he want to move on?

he sounds like he is purposely making himself undesirable, have any of his friends managed to successfully settle down? bring them up positively in any conversation.

hermioneweasley · 24/02/2013 16:06

It's your mother's choice, nothing you can do, especially if you dad won't do anything when he's in the same flipping house!

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Springdiva · 24/02/2013 16:07

This seems quite a common thing - mother babies child into late adulthood.

The thing is SHE's happy doing this - caring gives substance to her life - and he is making the most of it (who wouldn't).

I would let it go. He will shape up if and when he wants to. My DBinlaw was like this, married at 40, then became the most fanatical do it yourself / gardening/decorating fiend. Just needed to have his own house to light the spark.

CelticPixie · 24/02/2013 16:07

All of my brothers friendship group moved out years ago. Several of them now have children of their own.

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GreenShadow · 24/02/2013 16:10

You know, as my children get older (one already at university), I'm beginning to get to the point where I wonder what it'll be like when they all go. I have mixed feelings at the moment, but can well imagine that there will be a very large 'boy-sized' hole when they do all go.

Maybe, your DM simply likes having him there and doesn't want him to go, so does everything to encourage him stay. I assume she is retired, in which case, she might like the fact that it gives her more focus in life. Maybe she worries what it'll be like at home with just your DFather left. After all, cooking/cleaning for one more doesn't actually make that much more work.

Not saying I agree with her way of dealing with it, but you have to think of it from her point of view too.

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