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*To be --shit-- scared of death*

(63 Posts)
Dryjuice25 Sun 24-Feb-13 01:59:43

Lately I've been having these unwelcome thoughts about death. I don't think I'm depressed or anything but I might have mild anxiety. I just find myself thinking about the human condition and hating that I might DIE one day and I might leave my beautiful dcs alone in this harsh world where no-one cares will be good enough to look after them. My dad died --he was so abusive my mum breathed a sigh when he died--but my mum and all my siblings still live so this is not because I've been grieved too much.

I also suffer from very low motivation levels thinking what's the point of it all and I think only the immeasurable love i feel for my dcs is the major driving force spearheading my opposition to gravity--that keeps me going --so I need to get a grip and continue with my studies instead of wasting time wallowing

I'm early thirties,very healthy although anyone can die of any cause healthy or not These thoughts never used to cross pollutemy mind, say a few months ago. But now they have become recurrent and somewhat haunting to the point I'm wondering whether it's normal or not?

Is this normal?
Any parents out there troubled haunted by thoughts like these or should I just get over myself?
What do you think?

Dryjuice25 Tue 26-Feb-13 11:41:25

Agent "....finiteness makes it a bit easier to get on "

For me that seems to be the root cause of my problems. The idea that the end could be nigh any moment no matter what plans you have e.t.c is the bit that I find difficult to reconcile. I wish I can look at it from your perspective.

And the darker side of life really is scary. Not knowing the hidden mysteries surrounding death is the worst thing for me let alone the physical act of death. But then on the other hand I hope it will be a lovely surprise for us mortals. Years ago, I read Samuel Beckett's Waiting for Godot and I've been feeling a lot more like the main characters lately. Futility. Death. Purpose of Life? Existentialism. Me? God. ETC. Unfortunately these questions ARE much much bigger than little me.

AgentZigzag Mon 25-Feb-13 16:28:31

Thinking again about what I've just written, I seem to have set up two default responses to the fears I have, one for when I'm OK and one for when shit's piling up.

Is there anything you can think of which kind of calms the storm a bit when you're thinking about stuff flojo? Maybe you could think about whatever it is a bit more deeply and expand anything you come up with to set up something you could go back to if you felt more worried than normal?

AgentZigzag Mon 25-Feb-13 16:20:54

'I wake up each morning and think ' I'm still here'. I do pray and always say ' just let me keep going til the boys have grown up, have a job and have a partner and look after dh.'

Thankfully I don't wake up thinking this (although I wonder if you've been thinking about it in your sleep because it worries you so much? I wake up with the answer to obscure problems sometimes, which can be helpful grin), but it is kind of how I've come to terms with stuff.

If I'm struggling and having a crap time I think 'Well, I'm not here for that much longer' and the finiteness makes it a bit easier to get on, and if I'm OK I'm just glad of the extra time and see it as a bonus because I could have died yonks ago and not had the pleasure of meeting DH/DDs.

I've always been a bit morbid, which is not always a bad thing, the darker side of life can be quite fascinating in some ways (if you think of how authors/film makers can spin it to make it into entertainment) but it's when it intrudes into your life so much it's frightening you that you maybe need someone who can give you their professional help.

I had CBT nearly 20 years ago (shock where did the time go??) and found it really helpful and still use some of what I learned.

Bobyan Mon 25-Feb-13 15:54:07

Probably a bit of both, I have been burgled and they came into my room and my job is full on and stressful. But both these scenarios are realistically unlikely, where as death is inevitable and I can accept it. Interestingly I had to come off the pill as it was giving me anxiety / heart palpitations, so I do wonder if my hormones are involved!

Dryjuice25 Mon 25-Feb-13 14:48:04

Bobyan Do you think your fear is caused by an underlying issues (eg been burgled before or scared of the economic situation etc) or is it just irrational?

Bobyan Mon 25-Feb-13 14:19:09

I feel a bit of a wimp saying this, but the thought of death doesn't worry me as much as someone breaking into my house and hurting my Dc's or sometimes my work going badly sends me into a tail spin.

How irrational is that?

Dryjuice25 Mon 25-Feb-13 12:09:38

Now your dd*

Dryjuice25 Mon 25-Feb-13 12:08:06

Pigsmummy I have 3 dcs and when I had the first two, dying during childbirth never crossed my mind. On the last one, I did have worries that it might happen due to my age. It's sad when a mother dies like that.My mums friend died in another country because the baby was breech! sad It makes me really thank God that we have the NHS. Glad you're enjoying maternity. Shame about the lady you mentioned.I think I would have been affected by this too in a big way.
Minouminou Now you're dd will never need you to warm her milk again! When I had my last, due to death worries,I realised I had been spoiling my dds aged 7 and 5 in a big way. They didn't know how to brush their teeth because I thought they wouldn't do it properly. I suddenly realised what would happen if something happpened to me. Now they warm their own milk, do their own teeth, learning to bathe themselves. My eldest has now learned how to safely chop vegetables! Whereas beforehand, they did nothing at all apart from tiding up their toys. That was very irresponsible of me and inadvertently harmful to them! I am proud of myself for relaxing and allowing them to participate in small ways and this takes pressure off me too.
Sugarice You're not going to die during the night!
I too do overeact and prone to panicking eg Instead of seeing myself as a young 34 yo, I think in terms of being half of 68, therefore not having much time left.confused Ridiculous I know. But when I'm caught up in this stream of consciousness, I can't help it. I am usually very optimistic apart from this and a few other things

Pigsmummy Mon 25-Feb-13 10:32:18

I thought that it was me!
Just before I had my baby a lady my age died in child birth, I didn't know her but it really affected me, I wrote my husband a letter just in case and since I have had daughter (4 months) I get hit with a terrible panic, I have plans and have life insurance etc but my husband can't get it due to a life threatening illness, I am terrified that we will leave our daughter an orphan. Is this normal?
I am not depressed, really happy and loving maternity leave.

minouminou Mon 25-Feb-13 10:23:07

Yesterday I taught my six-year-old how to warm a cup of milk in the microwave. As we were watching it go round, I imagined him thirty or forty years hence, after I've shuffled off, making himself a warm, nourishing drink, because I've taught him how.
All you can do is equip them as best you can to face the world without you. Do it right and they won't physically need you.

Sugarice Mon 25-Feb-13 07:05:35

I'm 44 and a few years ago I had gynae problems, I was convinced it was cancer and was going to die, I'm a serial over reactor but developed health anxiety.

Since then I've had a hysterectomy [ not due to cancer] but I think about dying frequently, of a heart attack for some reason!, often in the middle of the night, and the dreadful scenario my dh and ds's would have to cope with.

I wake up each morning and think ' I'm still here'. I do pray and always say ' just let me keep going til the boys have grown up, have a job and have a partner and look after dh.'.

I'm very optimistic normally but it's night time when I get my dark thoughts, especially after I've watched something emotional on the tv.

Dryjuice25 Mon 25-Feb-13 02:55:04

all this to me feels like chasing after the wind*

Dryjuice25 Mon 25-Feb-13 02:53:12

Tweedledeedum My Gosh are you me? Sorry about your mum.

Sounds like the few people who have posted about having these dark thoughts do have the same kind of fears which follow the same pattern. You are spot on about worldly possessions.That's why my motivation levels have recently become so low but unfortunately I have to carry on because ofmy dcs. And I also despair why people are nasty to each other when life is so short! Also about how people work so hard to accumulate wealth and then just die and leave it. All of this to me feelslike a chasing after the wind. Pointless. Futile. I was watching some documentary the other day about people being buried with their gold bullion and I felt really,really sad. It summed up the human condition for me. Very sad.

Call me a utopian but in an ideal world people wouldn't go to bed hungry or drink dirty water whilst the richest people are swimming in it yet we're all commonly denominated by death.WTF?

Tweedledeedum Mon 25-Feb-13 01:20:26

I get this too, often no warning or reason, just a horrible scenario or thought pops into my head and I have to try to think of something else nice quickly. Usually it involves someone i love dearly.

After my Mum died a year and a half ago of cancer I started to wonder what the point of our lives is, all her things just left behind, all so important to her but not to anyone else, life carrying on for everyone else, why do we gather all these possessions, invest so much time in things that don't matter etc when we will die. I sometimes wonder how I will die, an old lady in my bed or will something intervene.

Dryjuice25 Mon 25-Feb-13 01:02:49

Serin How awful for your teenage friend. Not nice at all. My brother discovered my Auntwhen she committed suicide. I haven't really thought to ask how that has affected him. He was 19 at that time.

Dryjuice25 Mon 25-Feb-13 00:59:11

Cory grin Bless your MIL. I'm glad she is happy to continue
in her interesting old age.I think the answer is to just enjoy it as it lasts. But its not that simple is it, for most people? Life gets in the way! I wish it was the same for all old age pensioners.

Serin Yes my health visitor diagnosed a mild form of this and I think I am better now.I'm no longer as anxious as I was the first few weeks of my ds's birth. Beforehand, Iwas literary checking baby was breathing every 5 min! I couldn't relax but that's not the case now though I might have residual PND not helped by the fact that I'm not 100% satisfied with my life/career at the moment. So, yes I am vigilant as far a potential relapse is concerned. No medical intervention was given as I chose to bf ds.

Sigmund Thanks for both your posts.The first one is quite poignant for me because it describes the dark thoughts I have and the grim places these thought propel me to and the doom/helplessness they conjure up for me.I hate it. Hate it. Hate it!
How terrible to have those troubling images about your baby. Anxiety can be quite nasty! Most people don't realise this I think. I went into overprotective mode but I think that was exacerbated by the fact that ds snored and I wasn't comfortable with his breathing but now I'm used to his breathing it's fine.

cory Mon 25-Feb-13 00:36:03

Can I just echo serin's request never to commit suicide where someone might come upon you unawares? It happened to a friend of mine, tipped her into longterm mental health problems which she took years to recover from.

Dryjuice25 Mon 25-Feb-13 00:28:47

Laqueen I hope it never ever comes to that for you. Suicide is a horrible thought for me. My dear Aunt killed herself, left 7 kids utteryl broken and the suicide letter saved no purpose.They are still broken up about her death years on. I wish you longevity and may you live to 100 or more smile

Chiggers I hope so too. That actually sounds quite intriguing/hopeful. If there was certainty about what happens next, most of us wouldn't be this scared.Its the mystery surrounding the whole business that mortify people like me.

SigmundFraude Sun 24-Feb-13 23:24:14

Sorry, I didn't answer the OP really. It's normal to have recurring thoughts, but if they are troubling you then you should perhaps discuss this with a sympathetic doctor. I had recurring thoughts (connected to anxiety) than I was somehow going to hurt my newborn. I would take him out in his pram an have images of me pushing him into the road.

In the end I went to see the doctor, he told me that these kind of recurring thoughts were common, particularly if you're feeling anxious.

My advice, go and see a doctor, explain to him how you feel and go from there.

SigmundFraude Sun 24-Feb-13 23:18:25

I used to be very afraid of death, it's hard to imagine. Fear of the unknown plays a part too. You can sort of console yourself by knowing that every single one of us will die, every person alive on the earth will die. The thing that bothers me a little, I suppose, is that (usually) it's something that you will do alone, no-one will be going on that final journey with you.

I have two thoughts about what will happen when I die, and I flit from one to the other, depending on my mood. One is that I will rejoin loved ones. The other is that I will just drift into unconsciousness, like switching off a light, gone. I'm happy with either of those two. I try to believe in God, I pray sometimes and I was confirmed later in life (than usual), but something tells me that the light switch scenario is more likely.

The thing that always makes me sad is the loss of experience. I was watching a program about a brain surgeon the other day. He was describing what he needed to do to perform a successful operation. I was struck by how dedicated and how talented he was, all that knowledge packed inside his head enabled him to save countless lives. Then I thought about how sad it would be when he dies, because he will take all of that knowledge and experience with him. Then again, he probably trains others to do the same job smile.

serin Sun 24-Feb-13 23:02:24

For those of you planning on committing suicide please don't do it somewhere public. My teenage friend stumbled across a corpse whilst walking her dog and it took her a very long time to recover. sad

Dryjuice, the low motivation and fear/anxiety can be symptoms of post natal depression, I hope you do seek advice from your GP

cory Sun 24-Feb-13 22:41:17

My MIL used to say something similar LaQueen, in the days when she was still fit and healthy. She is now widowed and paralysed in a nursing home with incurable cancer and is showing no signs of wanting to die.

I don't think it's because she's afraid of death as such: nothing of the coward about MIL. I think she is still finding life too interesting grin

Which was probably hard to foresee when she was in a totally different situation. So I am making no predictions about how I will feel if I ever get there.

PessaryPam Sun 24-Feb-13 21:12:10

LaQueen, I totally agree with your idea. I would do similar.

Chiggers Sun 24-Feb-13 18:52:32

Would it help to think of death as a transition stage, your soul/spirit/essence goes through, between this life and the next? I guess this stage in life is the bit where your soul/spirit/essence is being prepared for the next life you take on.

LaQueen Sun 24-Feb-13 17:03:42

PP I have it all planed out. If DH goes before me, and I'm getting very frail, and needing too much care (and in danger of losing my personal dignity) then I will most certainly commit suicide, without a doubt.

I will write a long letter explaining myself to my DDs, and telling them how much I love them, but that it's time for me to go, and that I'm going with a contended heart and with a million happy memories smile

Then I'll pay a taxi to drive me up to The Lakes, to where DH first proposed to me, by Ullswater. I'll drink a toast to us both, reflect a while - and then do the necessary. Job done.

I couldn't bear to be stuck in a nursing home, needing someone to toilet me sad That would a living death for someone like me.

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