*To be --shit-- scared of death*

(63 Posts)
Dryjuice25 Sun 24-Feb-13 01:59:43

Lately I've been having these unwelcome thoughts about death. I don't think I'm depressed or anything but I might have mild anxiety. I just find myself thinking about the human condition and hating that I might DIE one day and I might leave my beautiful dcs alone in this harsh world where no-one cares will be good enough to look after them. My dad died --he was so abusive my mum breathed a sigh when he died--but my mum and all my siblings still live so this is not because I've been grieved too much.

I also suffer from very low motivation levels thinking what's the point of it all and I think only the immeasurable love i feel for my dcs is the major driving force spearheading my opposition to gravity--that keeps me going --so I need to get a grip and continue with my studies instead of wasting time wallowing

I'm early thirties,very healthy although anyone can die of any cause healthy or not These thoughts never used to cross pollutemy mind, say a few months ago. But now they have become recurrent and somewhat haunting to the point I'm wondering whether it's normal or not?

Is this normal?
Any parents out there troubled haunted by thoughts like these or should I just get over myself?
What do you think?

Selks Sun 24-Feb-13 02:03:30

I get this too. It's pretty unpleasant and makes me feel quite panicky, but I don't reckon it's unusual. I think feeling a bit freaked about the prospect of dying is pretty normal, although many people don't seem to feel the same way.

It's not 'normal' to start to have these sorts of intrusive, negative thoughts. I think it would be a really good idea to get some help. Do you like your GP?

Fanjango Sun 24-Feb-13 02:05:20

We all get these thoughts. I have woken up in tears through the dreams of death in the family.
Truth is we are not in control of these things (most likely why it scares us so much) and we do not likt the unknown.
You are fine, chill!!

Dryjuice25 Sun 24-Feb-13 02:08:57

MrsTerryPratchett I dont really know who my GP is as there is a different one every time I visit them! So you think I should visit the GP? I never thought as far as that to be honest
Selks I'msorry you get this too. It's pretty rubbish isn't it?

Dryjuice25 Sun 24-Feb-13 02:10:40

Fanjango True! True! But Idont know how to shut them off unfortunately sad

pollypandemonium Sun 24-Feb-13 02:13:29

I think when you are in grief you think about the dead person dying (what they went through), not about yourself or others.

I agree with Mrs TP that it's not normal for these thoughts to be intrusive, and CBT would be a good way forward, it may be your anxiety getting worse.

If you were just always a bit like that, meh. However, you say you didn't always feel this way and the thoughts have become recurrent and somewhat haunting. That would worry me. Do the thoughts make you act in a certain way, do things or not do things?

Dryjuice25 Sun 24-Feb-13 02:16:27

Now there is a thought.

Thank ladies for swift replies. I wasn't expecting much at this time of day. Just Icouldn't sleep.

Now you've got me thinking. off to google the benefits of CBT

AgentZigzag Sun 24-Feb-13 02:22:31

I would say a certain amount of anxiety is normal when you're talking about the sometimes overwhelming emotions you can have with having DC, emotions that are pretty unique compared to how you feel about other people in your life.

But is the amount of strikethroughs in your OP significant? Are the feelings you're having so significant you're reluctant to say just how strong they are?

I have OCD and am also plagued by 'doom scenarios', they play out a fair bit when I'm just generally thinking about things, and living with the constant reminders that the most important people in your life could be snatched away at any moment can be difficult to live with.

But it's all about perspective, that as...I can't think of the word for it...as sad (but not boohoo sad IYSWIM grin) as it sounds, you have to accept the risk of something happening to them as part of being able to have them in your life.

And that's a risk I'm prepared to take.

If it wasn't for leaving the DDs I would be 100% OK with going when it's my time to shuffle off, but the weird thing I've found with having a DC2, is that I'm a bit worried about how I'd cope with something happening to just one of them because I'd be forced into staying here so I didn't leave one on their own.

Dryjuice25 Sun 24-Feb-13 02:23:20

Mrsterry I believe since I started noticing the frequency of these intrisive thoughts, my motivation has gone out the window.

I am meant to be studying for Nov exams.I just can't face it at the
moment whereas usually I'd just get on with it. I feel like im not good enough at most things though I know that my dcs are thriving at school and I can't be that bad a mum.

To be fair, a lot has happened lately and I seperated from abusive ex and Im only beginning to get stronger I hope so whether that's connected or not I don't know

AgentZigzag Sun 24-Feb-13 02:27:08

Separating from your abusive ex is a huge thing, something which shakes you to your foundations could make the anxiety come out in ways you're not sure are connected to it?

Dryjuice25 Sun 24-Feb-13 02:33:48

Agent You have articulated my concerns so aptly. I think since I had dc3, my responsibility increased exponentially and the reality hit me like a tonne of bricks. I worried about the first two obviously but I didn't lose sleep about it, which is normal.

I do worry more about something happening to one of them more as I wouldn't know how to continue but people do carry on from such tragedies don't they?

I also think that my fears are bourne through ex inadequacy to provide good enough influence to them as I feel alone and providing for 98% of their needs.I feel burdened maybe almost to beaking point.But I always though I cope well with life's little nuances

Good for you getting rid. Agent is right, that is a massive deal.

Do you keep a diary? It might be worth noting your moods and how they affect you. Then you can see if this is something that is escalating, reducing, affecting you badly. You will also have something really useful to show a therapist if you choose that route.

Dryjuice25 Sun 24-Feb-13 02:42:04

Agent Yes separating did shake me up a lot but mostly in a positive way as I was sick of the guy and he'd refused to leave for years. He is gone but is hoping for a reconciliation which is cutting me up as I wish he would just leave me alone.
I am a lot happier alone and he now spends time with the kids, so I get a break and I honestly thought I was getting my life back after years of fire fighting but really I think you guys might have a point about seeing th

AgentZigzag Sun 24-Feb-13 02:49:05

After I'd posted I thought I could have overshared a bit and put extra stuff in your head to worry about, I hope I didn't.

Do you think these thought patterns have become a bit of a routine? In that you go back to them as a default position? There's no radio/TV on, the DC are in bed and it's quiet, so your thoughts always go to the same thing of imagining what your life would be like if the people who give it such meaning were not there?

If it's perhaps caused by something significant happening in your life, and maybe the thought processes have become a 'habit', that's not too bad a situation in that you can work on establishing ways of steering away from them when you recognise you're falling into the routine.

Dryjuice25 Sun 24-Feb-13 02:49:27

Mrsterry Yes I will start doing that, that sounds like a good idea.

In general, I'm fine but its the night time when kids are in bed when my mind begins to wander. I did get teary yesterday just watching dc3 7months sleeping hence the post today.
I think you have a point about monitoring the moods to get the picture of what is going on.
I never really thought about this in a context as it felt like just random thought

AgentZigzag Sun 24-Feb-13 02:52:58

At the risk of playing the role of an armchair psychologist, could the stress you were under with an abusive man have led you to 'miss' that stress now you're not accountable to him (because it was always there and the norm), and now you're left thinking 'there must be something I'm missing, I should feel anxious, I normally do...' and the fear over your DC has just naturally filled that space?

Dryjuice25 Sun 24-Feb-13 03:05:49

agent I'm grateful you have "overshared". I do wonder sometimes whether I have OCD!

I usually am fine listening to the radio usually or tv (rarely) Like Mrsterry said, I think I will start monitoring these patterns to get the fuller picture as I didn't regard them as significant/harmful thoughts at all, just unwelcome, like a lingering mosquito.

Yes,the major thing at the moment is unemployment as I was made redundant last year. Just hoping something will materialise as I hate to stay at home 100%. To be honest, this is my major worry,not the ex

GrammyPissedRUs Sun 24-Feb-13 03:09:06

I've been feeling the same since my mother's death about 18 months ago. I suppose realisation of our mortality hits us all at different stages. I've started living a healthier lifestyle, drinking less, plenty of veg and exercise and generally trying to avoid excess of any kind. Sounds very dull doesn't it? But beyond what you are doing you can't control your fate so why stress about it? Especially as stress can cause life threatening illness! There is that famous poem...God, give us grace to accept with serenity
the things that cannot be changed,
courage to change the things
which should be changed,
and the wisdom to distinguish
the one from the other ...
I'm an atheist so I don't think god can give me that but I think i have found it in myself.

Dryjuice25 Sun 24-Feb-13 03:16:06

Agent I don't miss the ex all.If we didn't have kids, I'd move to some far flung destination where I never have to see him again.He wore me down by sucking all the joy out ofmy life.Now I'm a shellof what I used tobebut beginning to laugh again.

He was abusive verbally which I ignored but really you cant "unhear" verbal diarrhoea even if you dont take notice, so I guess the damage was done. He refused to look after the kids, now he does as he has no choice, he was lazy re work and seemed to think that as I was the higher earner, it was my responsibility to mother him. Wrong. So, no I don't miss him and we were so wrong together at so many levels

Pudgy2011 Sun 24-Feb-13 03:21:53

If it makes you feel any better, since I lost my younger brother to cancer 8 months ago I have been terrified of death.

For the first 5 months or so after he passed I was ok, but I spent so much time researching life after death looking for answers that now my brain never rests.

The last 6 weeks or so I have slipped into a sorry state of affairs, scared of death, scared that I can't protect my baby boy. I don't know what terrifies me more, the thought of me leaving him and having him feel the grief that I'm going through, or the fear that something will happen to him and me going through what my parents are going through. I can't bear the thought. I'm usually the most positive person you can meet, I never used to be scared and now I'm scared of everything. I can't get excited about the future and feel so flat. I've gone back to see my grief counsellor and she said it sounds a lot like depression - I hate feeling this way, scared and unsure of myself.

The only thing that has helped me through is distraction techniques and rescue remedy! Gt yourself a really easy chick lit read and whenever you feel overwhelmed by the fear start reading. I've found it really helps me. I find the anxiety far worse a week or so before I'm due on and it definitely comes and goes but I wanted you to know you're not alone in your feelings. Sometimes they crop up at the most random moments. They will pass.

AgentZigzag Sun 24-Feb-13 03:23:16

Sorry, I didn't mean you miss your ex in that he's not in your life any more, I meant more that the pressure you were under when you were with him has left a hole where you'd normally be stressing, and that gap has been filled with something as equally as valid in something happening to you or your DC and the others being left alone.

It must be awful sending your DC off to be with a man you know to be such a shit though, especially if you think he's doing it under sufferance. That must make for anxieties all by itself.

Dryjuice25 Sun 24-Feb-13 03:25:48

Grammy Sorry about your mum. It's true that sweating the unchangeable is futile. I agree.

I lost my faith a long time ago. But thanks for words of wisdom. Religion does bring solace to lots of people re the unknown. That's how my mother coped with her disappointing like I think.She is the happiest woman I know and I wish I was like her.

I always look after myself though.I drink only on my birthday <boring> and I made a resolution to drink more red this year, eat healthy but need to exercise more I guess. That's all we can do really isn't it.

What a sad thread

Dryjuice25 Sun 24-Feb-13 03:46:11

Pudgy sad about your little brother. Thanks for the coping strategies.I do like to read usually self help junk and will have a try @ chick lit. That's a whole new world to explore. Glad it's helping you.

Agent I know what you mean. Yes but everything associated with him will not be missed. Not sure if that is the case though.It could be subconscious, who knows.

It is awful to know he doesn't measure up to what I consider to be satisfactory parenting but the dcs adore him and he is like a big child himself so they get along very well. Infact, my dds consider me to be the bad cop right now as I deal with all the reading, school stuff,uneaten homecooked healthy meals and descipline. I worked with children in my previous life and I understand children's dvt better than him. He provides all the fun (games and video games etc so the kids think he is the bees knees! I suppose the above doesn't help someone with anxiety I suppose.

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