And abit pathetic.....

(74 Posts)
Lulututu Thu 21-Feb-13 21:57:00

My dd is now 18months and I am getting pressure from the gp's for her to have overnight stays and days out without me there. I am definitely not ready for her to have an overnight yet as we co sleep and she wakes often wanting myself so that is out of the question anyway .....but I also don't feel ready to send her off for the day without me or dh just yet. We are a little AP but not extreme and tbh It's more that I do what I feel is right and it so happens to be AP...not that I decided to be AP...iyswim.

Anyway my df and my pil's don't complain and we do make sure we visit often. But my own DM is very vocal about how she thinks I am harming dd by how I am bringing her up....my DM says the best thing I can do is leave her without me or dh there. But my DM is so opposite to me in parenting anyway so that is one of the reasons i am so reluctant in leaving dd at this age and them taking her out for the day without me. I just think what if dd wanted me and I wasn't there....dd would probably get upset at some point and I would spend a day worrying.

I have offered to have days out with gp's.....so family days out.....but they want to have just dd not me or dh there...it'd like to think when my children have their own I will still want to spend family outings with them and not just my dgc.....or is that just me!

So AIBU and am I pathetic......my DM certainly thinks so and just wondered what other people thought as I don't want to be pathetic at my dd's expense.

Thanks

Aranea Thu 21-Feb-13 22:00:00

YANBU, your mother is behaving badly. I don't know how I would handle her in your situation, it sounds very upsetting. Your DD is still a baby and your instincts are almost certainly right.

ArtemisiaGentileschisThumb Thu 21-Feb-13 22:06:55

I agree, you're not doing anything wrong. It sounds like you're being a loving, nurturing parent. It's up to you and dp to decide when dd is ready to go out wight you, no one else.

HollyBerryBush Thu 21-Feb-13 22:09:49

Different things work for different people. I was always of the opinion I could be hit by lightening or a bus, therefore by making my child/ren exclusively reliant on me could possibly be damaging should an event happen where I was removed from their life perenantly or even for a short hospital stay.

>is a cheerful soul<

Shelby2010 Thu 21-Feb-13 22:14:57

YANBU your DD is not a toy for her GP to have a go with. How can it possibly harm a small child to know that her parents are there if she needs them.

Taking her out for the day is also a different proposition to them looking after her in your home with maybe a trip to the local park.

squeakytoy Thu 21-Feb-13 22:28:15

I would say it wouldnt do your child any harm at all to realise that her world will not end if you are not there for her 24/7.

A little confidence and independence is good for toddlers. A clingy miserable child is no fun for anyone.

Lulututu Thu 21-Feb-13 22:35:42

holly that is actually what my DM had said to me 'what if u die and leave dd...'

Thanks for the replies....I just really get made to feel like I am in the wrong and damaging dd. but she is a really happy clever little thing, she she is actually very independent...waves to people in the supermarket, says hello to anyone who will listen, runs off at playgroup and not clingy at all, but she does like to know I am there in the background if she needs me / dh but I thought that was normal for her developmental age.

My DM feels quite entitled that she should have dd alone for days out and resents me for this.

Numberlock Thu 21-Feb-13 22:38:56

No harm in her going to the grandparents just for a couple of hours while you and your husband go for lunch, surely?

maddening Thu 21-Feb-13 22:39:04

What I don't get is why it has to be without the parents? Why is it awful for the parents to come along - surely it's easier with more adults?

feckwit Thu 21-Feb-13 22:43:30

I would think a couple of hours would be a good idea - nurture the relationship between your other and daughter, it is very important. Overnights can come a lot later but its strikes me a few hours here and there would be good for everyone. You never know when you might need her help on the spur of the moment, it will be so much easier if your daughter is used to it.

HerrenaHarridan Thu 21-Feb-13 22:51:44

Yanbu. Do what feels right.
Dd is one and has never been away from me for more than a four hr stretch ( excepting scbu )
I recently discovered that my parenting could be labelled ap.
dd is plenty confident and will quite happily crawl off and do her own thing even in busy social situations but she keeps checking that she knows where I am.

You dc is not a toy to be shared. Tis a little person smile

diaimchlo Fri 22-Feb-13 00:10:25

As a grand mother I would be mortified and extremely hurt if my DD felt it was inappropriate for me to spend quality time with my grand children without her there. I think that you are making your DM feel that you do not trust her with the responsibility of caring for your DD.

I have never pressured her into me having my DGCs frequently over night, I respect and carry out her parenting methods even if IMO they are a bit over the top.

I have wonderful loving and close relationships with all my DGC which has been achieved by the way we have worked together.

bedmonster Fri 22-Feb-13 00:16:45

Would you be against your DD spending a few hours there over a weekend? I think it's healthy for DC to have strong relationships with extended members of family. It seems like they have her best interests at heart.
What is holding you back in letting them spend some time alone with her?

If they really want some overnight time with a toddler I have one ready to go if they're interested? grin

<could really do with a lie in>

thezebrawearspurple Fri 22-Feb-13 00:21:42

I think it's important for kids to get a break from their parents tbh. As long as they have a good relationship with her, will take good care of her, keep her safe and happy, it can only benefit her. She'll love being spoilt by her grandparents, that's what they're there for. It's important that toddlers attach to people other than their parents. What's a few hours?

Overnight stays are different.

Lulututu Fri 22-Feb-13 09:06:08

Thanks for more replies

I think there are trust issues......in that my dm is a heavy smoker and she always tries to push the boundaries with that and I just can't stand the fact that dd might be exposed to any smoke. Also the fact she rubbishes my parenting and always has done and says she would do things her way when she has dd makes me reluctant to leave her for extensive periods. And dd will see my DM critisising me as she gets older and that worries me

Also just to add that it was days outs my DM was asking for....as in full day taken out maybe a good hours drive away, not just a stroll in the park. I just can't help but feel this is too much while dd is just 18 months. If she was upset and an hours drive away the thought makes me really worried.

I am quite AP as I said and like to keep dd close until i feel she is ready. But I do work PT and make sure we visit all her extended family.

All the gp's have had dd for a couple of hours at some time or other, my DM used to actually do this weekly while i worked a couple of hours but she didn't like the fact that it was when it was convenient for me rather than her dictate when she wanted her ...but because there are 3 sets of them that live close by I wouldn't want to drop her off for each GP every week or even every other week as I feel our family time is important too.

Thanks for all your comments. Even if my DM didn't smoke and the trust issues weren't there I still don't know I'd want to be away from dd for too long on my days off with her.....so Your comments have certainly been food for thought and I will take them all on board.

Thanks again

mrsjay Fri 22-Feb-13 09:48:40

OK yanbu to feel like you do , However there is nothing wrong in letting your toddler go with granny on her own for a few hours she wont dissolve if she isn't with you.. I am so into it takes a village to raise a child, It is fine for her to socialise with other adults and as Holly so cheerfully put it you could be struck by lightening and somebody would need to look after your dd while you recover grin
she doesn't need to stay over night but a couple of hours unclench and let her go, she will be fine, honestly, and you are lucky some grandparents do not take an interest in their grandchildren at all,

mrsjay Fri 22-Feb-13 09:49:28

you are not pathetic at all smile

rainbowrainbowrainbow Fri 22-Feb-13 10:06:45

Trust your instincts.
Do what feels right for you and your daughter.

BlackholesAndRevelations Fri 22-Feb-13 10:11:06

I think you need to allow your mum to have some 1:1 time with her granddaughter. It took me a while to realise/appreciate my pfb was not just mine and dps daughter, but also her granddaughter, hence I do not have monopoly over her.

BlackholesAndRevelations Fri 22-Feb-13 10:11:42

By her, I mean mother in law! grin

pictish Fri 22-Feb-13 10:12:17

I agree with mrsJay there.

I can't help but feel the "what if she wants me and I'm not there" argument is a leeeetle bit over angsty, because the fact is, she'd be fine.

OxfordBags Fri 22-Feb-13 10:14:08

Are people actually reading what the OP is writing? She keeps reiterating that the GPs have had her DD for a few hours on their own on several occasions. That's not the issue.

OP, trust your instincts. Psychologically, it is not good for a child of that age to be away from their mother for long stretches (more than a few hours). She is too young developmentally for it to foster independence, etc. Being away from you for too long will make her more clingy, not make her less so. Psychologically, it would be worrying for a child of 18 months to be fine with being away from his or her mother for a whole day or night (would indicate a weak bond). She is as independent as she already is precisely because you keep her appropriately close and she knows that Mummy is always there to come back to quickly if she feels overwhelmed or whatever. As you are a bit AP (as am I), you know this makes sense and flows with the rest of your parenting style.

You don't have to say yes. She is your child, you do you think is best for her. Personally, if my DM was bahving this way, I'd tell her in no uncertain terms that the more she pushes at this issue, the more she makes me adamant that it's not going to happen.

Frankly, I think she is bloody lucky you let her see DD as much as you do, if she's treating you that badly. It's fine and probably normal for Grans to think you should be doing things how they did, but not to go on and on saying hurtful and offensive things like your DM is doing. Has she actually offered a reasonable, logical and well-thought-through explanation as to why it'd be much better for your child to be without either of her parents for whole days or nights?! Of course not, she's just parroting the out-of-date and illogical stuff she was told as a mother back in the day and also using it an excuse to get to relive those days via your DD. Well, your child is not a toy or a time-machine!

Tell her that you don't feel secure letting her have your DD for so long when she is so critical of your parenting and are liable to do stuff that will confuse DD or undo the good work you put in. Tell her that when she starts respecting your parenting style and your rights as a capable adult to parent how you like then you will consider it more seriously. If she has anything about her, she'll quit the nitpicking and put-downs and realise she needs to STFU. She can't expect to talk down to you and try to undermine you that way and then expect the 'reward' of DD. You need to set new, firmer boundaries with her for your own self and to ensure that these crappy patterns don't trickle down to DD, when older.She had her time to parent how she wanted, now it's yours. You sound a great mum, btw smile

mrsjay Fri 22-Feb-13 10:14:31

and grandparents have been parents too so they generally know what to do with an 18month old baby

OxfordBags Fri 22-Feb-13 10:15:05

Bahving? Behaving.

Coconutty Fri 22-Feb-13 10:19:33

I actually do think UABU. Time with a gp can be fantastic for a little one, a very good bonding experience.

Worrying that she may get upset if you are not there is a bit OTT too. Lots of kid are at nursery etc at her age, it's perfectly normal to have time apart.

Am I right in thinking that the real issue here though is the relationship you have with your mum?

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