AIBU to think that she might be being deliberately difficult about this?

(55 Posts)
100DaysofSummer Wed 20-Feb-13 16:02:38

Not too sure how to explain this well.

Basically as a child we had a children's Bible in the house, this was 30+ years ago, a beautiful big thick hardback book with beautiful detailed illustrations, it had belonged to my older db and dsis but I would spend hours reading it and looking at the pictures long after they'd left home.

My ds goes to Catholic school and I decided to ask my dm and df if I could borrow the book to read to ds to help with his learning. They didn't know where it had gone but thought db or dsis may have had it. I text dsis asking if she had 'that children's bible we all had'. She did but told me 'it was hers and dbs and why was I asking'. I explained I'd like to borrow it for ds to read. It does actually mean a lot to me I've been searching for a vintage copy on ebay but would love to just look at that one again. She said it was in the loft somewhere and it wouldn't be quick find as she was doing x, y, z over the next few weeks but that I could get children's bible anywhere. I know that but it's not the same, I can still remember the smell of that book, it really was beautiful.

Anyway, it probably seems like no big deal, but I'm wondering if she's being deliberately unhelpful. It's the way she corrected me to say it was 'hers and dbs'. The dynamics of our family are a bit odd. Dsis and Db are over 10 years older than me, dsis moved out of home when I was 5 or 6 and db ws always out at work so I was almost like an only child. We all had a crap upbringing but their's was considerably worse in some ways. However my childhood was no bed of roses to the point that I've needed counselling as an adult.

Dsis also had a DC when I was 8 or 9 and moved back into home, I loved my d nephew but we almost had a brother sister relationship and I don't think I was too hot on sharing with him. She really resents me for this and loves to remind me of things I said or did when he was little, like making him move out of 'my' chair or wanting to put the star on top of the Christmas tree which I admit I was probably being a brat, but I was at most a young teen. She doesn't like to remember how she would purposely get him to hit and kick me when he was a toddler to wind me up, and how I gave up my bed and room for them to move back in for months on various occasions and slept on cushions on the floor.

There's loads of things that have gone on I'd need to write a book and might end up drip feeding.

MrsKeithRichards Wed 20-Feb-13 16:06:47

Sounds like there's a lot more going on than just the book but I don't think she's being that difficult to be honest.

I know you're saying the book means a lot to you but it is just a book, you're connecting happy memories to it.

Why not get another Children's Bible and make it special for you and your own children? Doesn't have to be fancy, vintage or expensive (just like the one you're wanting back probably wasn't) but you can share it together and it will be just yours.

I'd get a new bible.

ParsleyTheLioness Wed 20-Feb-13 16:07:47

It's possible...but I don't think there is very much you can do if she doesn't come up with it. Accelerating your request risks further family issues. I realise it must be frustrating.

DeepRedBetty Wed 20-Feb-13 16:08:53

It's possible that the Bible was originally given to your two elder siblings in a rather special way before you were born which they remember and obviously you don't. I think you're probably right, she doesn't want to hand it over - she may be worried that it'll get damaged, or she may just be being precious.

Practically speaking, wouldn't it be nicer to get your ds a bible that is definitely his own and won't get mixed up with complicated old family history?

Hassled Wed 20-Feb-13 16:09:45

You obviously had a difficult and complicated relationship and there are a whole heap of issues which bother you - completely understandable. You can address them through counselling - but that won't help your DSis address them, IYSWIM. She doesn't want to give you the bible, for whatever complicated reasons - and it's hers to give or not to give. Pursue the Ebay option (or maybe a site like Abe's Books?) and leave it be. It sounds like one of those situations which will only end up with more upset.

squeakytoy Wed 20-Feb-13 16:10:34

I think the ideal solution would be for you to forget this bible, and buy another that will be in your family and for you to pass down to your kids.

ENormaSnob Wed 20-Feb-13 16:12:39

I don't think she's being purposefully difficult tbh.

Finding a book in the loft just wouldn't be on my priority list either.

I reckon there is some resentment though with her pointing out it wasn't yours anyway.

MariusEarlobe Wed 20-Feb-13 16:13:00

I have had something similar, i was asked for the item and refused but more because i thought i wouldn't get it back as they had been trying to get it previously for themselves.

Id get a new bible and make it your and ds special book.

HeathRobinson Wed 20-Feb-13 16:13:15

Maybe she's trying to say no, nicely?

100DaysofSummer Wed 20-Feb-13 16:13:42

You're probably right MrsKeithRichards I won't pester her about it. And I know I could get another and it would possibly be as special to ds in years to come.

I'm just being sentimental it seems ashame for it to be collecting dust in a loft when we could be using it and I'd be happy to give it back if she wishes to keep it.

I am just frustrated, I asked for some photos about a year ago, they're of ds dad who he doesn't see. I have no photos and wanted to put some away for ds if he ever asks questions, she siad that she would but never has.

DeWe Wed 20-Feb-13 16:15:57

I don't think you're being unreasonable to ask, but if the book is that precious then I don't think it's unreasonable for her not to want to lend it is it is theirs.

I'd also say that books that we thought were magically beautiful 30+ years ago are usually looked on as being rather sparce in illustrations by todays children. I remember showing dd1 a book I had lovely memories of, and she really couldn't get over that the illustrations were green and yellow only!

If the book is hard/expensive to replace then I do have sympathy for her not wanting to lend it. Books are very easy to damage, I have certain books that I would be very reluctant to lend to even the most careful person because I know if it was damaged we would struggle to replace.
Also there might be a feeling (if it's one her ds loved too) that she wants to save it for their grandchildren. People on here always say don't lend anything you're not happy to lose. She may not want the possibility of losing it-and if you're saying it's precious to you, she may see you trying to get your hands on it and not returning it, rather than you saying you'll be careful because it's precious.

DeepRedBetty Wed 20-Feb-13 16:18:31

Again she may want to hold onto the photos, unless they are photos which are specifically of him - in which case why would she want to keep them? Offer to bring them back after you've made copies if they're snaps which show lots of people type ones.

100DaysofSummer Wed 20-Feb-13 16:20:36

I see what you are saying, I guess it isn't 'mine'. But I can't imagine being like that about anything, I see us as all being equal. But I know that she doesn't. And I am trustworthy and do look after things very well, it's also very rare that I ask for anything.

I think I just wonder why she resents me so much, we get on ok but sometimes it all comes out. About 15 years ago I wanted to go for as job in a petrol station while I was at college, dsis didn't want me to as she thought it would be dangerous, she ended up screaming at me that I didn't have a clue about life, she wishes I was dead and all the family wish I was dead, they'd all been a lot happier before I was born.

I just can't understand why she hates me for things I did when I was a child. I know my db and dsis had a crap upbringing and as I came along later a lot had changed, but my life really wasn't wonderful.

100DaysofSummer Wed 20-Feb-13 16:23:31

DeepRed I just wanted a couple of photo of him alone. They're from a party I don't think that the specific ones of him are of any sentimental value to her at all infact she hates him. Her ds also doesn't see his real dad and she has a collection of photos which is why I think she would understand why I'd want a couple of photos.

RedToothBrush Wed 20-Feb-13 16:28:33

One thing to remember: she is allowed to say no.

Whether she is being deliberately difficult or not is, to an extent, beside the point.

DeWe Wed 20-Feb-13 16:29:17

You all being equal doen't mean you all own everything equally. If the book is bers and db then you haven't equal "rights" over it.

If your dp life had moved on and things were better for you she may well resent things that you had, they they had no chance of having. I know my db, who was only 4 years younger than me had a lot of things that me and dsis wouldn't have bothered dreaming about because we know that there was no chance of having.
It wasn't just more money, but also different circumstances, not having a younger one around and things like that. Often he got things we'd begged for and been refused, and he wasn't even interested in.

Also db had an attitude that everything was his because he had it last, and sometimes he didn't realise it had been one of ours first and was most put out to find one of us had a claim on something he thought was exclusively his.

MariusEarlobe Wed 20-Feb-13 16:32:47

Do you think she's got rid of the photo if she hates him that much.

PootlePosyPerkin Wed 20-Feb-13 16:40:32

It does sound like their is more to this than just a bible BUT taken on face value, it isn't actually your bible is it? It probably does belong to your Sis & Bro and therefore I would buy a new bible for your own DS and move on.

I am the youngest child too, and there are a few things that I remember fondly being at home or looking at as a child, but I know they are not mine and therefore it is only right that my siblings have them now (slightly different as both of our parents have died so everything has been divided up, as it were). There were also other items that belonged to none of us specifically - they were either our parents' or given to us "children" as a whole, which would be more of a grey area.

Personally, I wouldn't consider a book worthy of the aggro.

100DaysofSummer Wed 20-Feb-13 16:41:23

Dewe I do understand what you are saying honestly. This is why though I thought I might end up drip feeding but didn't want a super long op.

I guess what I mean about us all being equal isn't that I should ge to have everything, I certainly don't think that. I would have liked to have borrowed it. I can't imagine saying no to such a request, I have given a lot of things to my dnephew.

I also really need to stress how my life was no bed of roses, in some ways I suppose my life was better, we had a bit more money, but we were all verbally and physically abused. We all had to live with having an alcoholic df who's drinking was worse during my childhood. And in fact some ways db and dsis were at an advantage, at least they had eachother, I was on my own in it all. I really didn't have many nice things, dm and df would get me outfits for a school party and return it to the shop after I'd worn it because they couldn't afford to buy it, the rest of my clothes were hand me downs. Dsis and Db were at least taken out by our grandparents and my parents. By the time I came along both of my parents were depressed and never really left the house aside from to go to the shops and take me to school. I also had to deal with the fallout of dsis leaving home whern she was 16 and getting pregnant, at least she was out of it, I was still living in it all. I really was at no huge advantage.

If she really doesn't want to borrow the Bible as it's important to her I would accept that, I'm not one to kick off about anything.

Hesterton Wed 20-Feb-13 16:44:03

This isn't about the bible.

It's about resentment, rivalry, jealousy, sharing, long-ago emotional pain and a hundred other things, but it isn't about the Bible.

I would let the bible thing drop and find other ways to reach out to you sister.

amothersplaceisinthewrong Wed 20-Feb-13 16:44:56

Get your own bible that your child can treasure in the future. And you need to move on from your childhood and let that go too, you can't change it.

100DaysofSummer Wed 20-Feb-13 16:47:39

Pootle no it's not mine, although I don't really feel like that about things, in terms of who they belong to, not childhood things. Anything that came from the house I see as belonging to the family. And I'd never cause a fuss over keeping something, but would have liked to see it again and borrow it.

But that is perhaps because I didn't really own anything special myself, most of my things were passed down such as the Bible. Db and Dsis have special teddies and things from grandparents who had died by the time I was born, also from my gran who never met me until 10 years ago as my dm had stopped speaking to her before I was born. So I don't see things as being 'theirs' or 'mine'.

Thanks for all the replies though, I won't pester her or anything about it I'll leave it at that now. I will read any replies and reply later, thanks!

BonzoDooDah Wed 20-Feb-13 16:51:29

go on www.abebooks.co.uk where they have way more used books than ebay - I'm sure you'll find what you need there.

Jux Wed 20-Feb-13 16:52:25

I think you're actually better off with her not lending it to you. What if your ds were to love it as much as you? You'd have to give it back, at some point, which could upset him quite a lot.

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