to not want to financially support my partner?

(83 Posts)
tigermoll Wed 20-Feb-13 07:57:08

Ok, bit of background, have been with my bf for 4 years, living together for 2 in rented flat with his db. I have a steady job l don't enjoy and am also studying pt, but only for my own enjoyment/education rather than training for a better career. BF has a career in an arts field, in which he makes a living,but it is v boom and bust. When i finish my course, i'd like to buy a house, as bank of mum and dad have said they will help me out with a deposit on a long-term loan basis.
At the moment, he is between jobs, and l freely admit to being jealous as hell of his career (its an area l tried to work in but was unsuccessful) and when l'm getting up at six to go to work, doing my homework on the bus, reading books in my lunch hour and then coming home to work on my essay, and find he hasn't even done the washing up, l feel pretty wound up. At the moment,we have totally separate finances, (although he owes me about a grand) and so its none of my business how he spends his time/money, but if we buy a house and combine our finances, that will change.

So my questions are:
a) would it be foolish/fair to expect him to change his attitude to money and housework if/when l buy a house?
b) he says his parents said they will also contribute to a deposit in a few years time, but l'm not keen on combining such large sums. Does that mean our r/ship is doomed?
c) ls it U of me to be unhappy with the idea of financially supporting my partner, and always being the main earner? It

WilsonFrickett Thu 21-Feb-13 12:56:41

Get a piece of paper and write down all the things that 'contribute' to making your relationship 'run' (these may not all apply at the moment but it's worth thinking about the longer term too)

Money
Housework
Cooking
Organising (like, setting up direct debits and booking the car for the MOT)
Gardening
Childcare
Driving
Budgeting /planning

- you'll have your own list. Earning the money is only part of this list as you can see. But both people have to have an equal amount of 'ticks' for a relationship to be equal, IMO.

WilsonFrickett Thu 21-Feb-13 12:59:18

Oh, teach me to RTFT. He cleaned a bike chain on top of the dishes?

Seriously OP, go and buy your flat. Have him visit you or LTB. But you don't have to live like this.

mmmuffins Thu 21-Feb-13 13:12:35

I'm one of the people that thinks it is weird to not share finances, but when you are married. I don't think you should share finances with your boyfriend. I certainly wouldn't, even though I think my boyfriend is great!

Love isn't everything. If you are considering a long-term future with someone, I think it is very reasonable to consider less romantic aspects, like their ability to contribute to a household (both financially and physically). Think about what you think life would be like if you bought a house together, if you got married, if you had children, etc. Will he be a good person to go through life with, will you have the life that makes you happy? If no, he is not right for you.

Never, ever make commitments with man if you are leaning on the hope that he'll change after you move in together/ get married/ have children. He wont.

Phineyj Thu 21-Feb-13 13:17:11

They should pay for a cleaner, if they won't contribute to cleaning up. Bet that's what they'd do anyway if you weren't there.

countrydreamer Thu 21-Feb-13 18:51:26

Whoa,... there are many many other things to achieve in life than the purchase of a house..

You're not wanting marriage or children at the moment, you're not entirely happy with your work, there's no need to become a mortgage slave, I suggest you consider alternatives.

If you have some spare money that you could use to pay a mortgage, why not consider an investment in yourself in other ways, e.g use the money to retrain for a (different?) dream career or a slightly different role in the field that you aspire to, or, learn about investments and put it in, say, an index tracker fund in a tax free ISA, and let it grow (without lifting a finger) until you wish to use it later on.

You may find that you can rent a far nicer house than you could afford to buy, if you stay renting, you may feel that you can remain living on more equal terms with your bf whilst you are investing your money in something like training/investments (just for you alone).

When you reach 60, what would you regret the most...having worked all your life in jobs you don't enjoy... not having tried your best to find work that makes you happy,....not building your own independent nest egg......not buying a house whilst subsidising your partner .... not buying your own house on your own?

What do you really want? Go for it Now.. Go Girl..

Pigsmummy Thu 21-Feb-13 19:24:51

Continue your plan, if you buy a house then get him to sign an agreement that you put in the majority ££ and are the major shareholder. There is a name for this agreement but I can't recall what it is.

It is understandable that you are frustrated by house work, my husband would also leave washing up, not to be lazy or difficult but planning to do it at a time different to my expectations, have you explained how this upsets you? People have very different standards of what is acceptable re house keeping and finances.

Rather than asking MN you should be speaking to him about you feel, tell him what you want out of this relationship and see if it matches his aspirations or not.

DontmindifIdo Thu 21-Feb-13 19:50:46

OP - I don't see why you'd move your BF in with you when you buy your house/flat. You know he's rubbish with money, so while he has to pay his current landlord, I would put money on the fact that if you were his landlord he wouldn't always pay. While it would be your space, I also would put good money on him not suddenly feeling he has to live to your cleanliness standards if he moved in and you would still be coming home to unwashed dishes etc. It would be far far better to live separately from him, particuarly if you aren't interested in marriage and DCs. At least, live apart for 6months - 1 year, give yourself time to get used to having space that you control. You don't have to split up just because you aren't living together. It might be the best way for your relationship to work if you have many good points but don't suit sharing a space.

I would take your parents up on their offer, get your own place, if need be get (clean and tidy) lodgers to help with the mortgage costs.

Adversecamber Thu 21-Feb-13 20:08:13

Do not allow this man to live with you in your new home. You can do better, you should be in the easy years, no mortgage, no dc.

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