to not want to financially support my partner?(83 Posts)
Ok, bit of background, have been with my bf for 4 years, living together for 2 in rented flat with his db. I have a steady job l don't enjoy and am also studying pt, but only for my own enjoyment/education rather than training for a better career. BF has a career in an arts field, in which he makes a living,but it is v boom and bust. When i finish my course, i'd like to buy a house, as bank of mum and dad have said they will help me out with a deposit on a long-term loan basis.
At the moment, he is between jobs, and l freely admit to being jealous as hell of his career (its an area l tried to work in but was unsuccessful) and when l'm getting up at six to go to work, doing my homework on the bus, reading books in my lunch hour and then coming home to work on my essay, and find he hasn't even done the washing up, l feel pretty wound up. At the moment,we have totally separate finances, (although he owes me about a grand) and so its none of my business how he spends his time/money, but if we buy a house and combine our finances, that will change.
So my questions are:
a) would it be foolish/fair to expect him to change his attitude to money and housework if/when l buy a house?
b) he says his parents said they will also contribute to a deposit in a few years time, but l'm not keen on combining such large sums. Does that mean our r/ship is doomed?
c) ls it U of me to be unhappy with the idea of financially supporting my partner, and always being the main earner? It
"He refused, on the grounds that he was likely to always have more time off than me, so he would end up doing more housework most of the time."
Ok, this is a valid basis for a discussion with him, and would be a valid reason to leave if he refuses to change. That's him not committing to the partnership.
But honestly love, if you're going into a relationship working out the details of how you're going to get out, I'd say its not going to work.
He's lazy and is happy to watch you carry him because he can't be bothered. Does that sound like a relationship you want to continue?
Do not combine finances or buy a property with this guy. Whoever said upthread to make him a paying tenant is bang on. But if he's over 25 he's a lost cause I'm afraid.
don't let me disappear down the rabbit hole of housework - yesterday l felt like crying when l came home to find his db had cleaned his bike chain in the sink, without removing the dirty dishes first. So the stuff we eat off was covered in oil and skank.
It made me want to shout 'l'm better than this. I don't have to live with a couple of men IN THEIR THIRTIES who behave like this'.
I earn more than DP so support him to a considerable degree and I am very happy to do so, but he pulls his weight - works harder than me in his career and does more of the housework too.
Your BF seems to be happy to live off you - to let you do all the work at home, hold down a grim job, and supply all the money. Is that love? Nope.
Even Einstein worked as a patent clerk while he worked on his theories.
Sounds like your bf is freeloading.
Most artists I know have incredible drive and work ethic. Most teach art while they create their own stuff, To Keep Money Coming In.
Your bf sounds a bit of a tosser tbh.
Do not buy a house with him. Do not let him pay any of the mortgage - have him pay rent, and his share of utilities - have your name on them.
Get a tenancy agreement in place before he moves in, and definitely have a good hard look at what you want in your life. To me, (a random on t'internet), it sounds like this guy is still a child ( not doing the washing up indeed) and not supporting himself while he establishes himself as an artist is definitely a big red flag of NO WAY!
In fact reading the most recent posts, I'd say you need to move to your own place ASAP.
Drop the freeloaders.
Get a nicer bf.
Think about a change in career.
Have some fun!
I think it would be far better for you to move out and not move him in with you - you can 'date' but competely separate your finances, to the extent he has his flat, you have yours, you pay your bills, he pays his, it's not your business how he does that (I'd also write off that grand).
If he then wants to move into your house, there's got to be a discussion about what he brings to the table. It might not be money if he's not working all the time, but if he has more time than you then he cleans. If you think about having DCs in the future, he's then the one who takes responsibility for childcare (either doing it himself, or when he has work, arranging cover).
However in my experience, different attitudes to money and careers isn't something that a couple can "get over" even if you keep finances as separate as possible. It always causes problems long term. You can have one earning more than the other, but this only works if the attitude to that money is the same.
Attitudes to roles in a relationship and standards of cleanliness are also something that are hard to cope with when you have different views.
Also, it sounds like you are ready to "grow up" and he's stuck in a more immature stage. Again, fine if he can find a woman at a similar stage, but not if you aren't.
I don't see the problem with seperate finances Lecce. The OP and her partner aren't married, dont have children and don't own a property together. Theres no reason for them to combine bank accounts. I actually find joint bank accounts quite old fashioned, when you can set up standing orders for payments from each of your own bank accounts.
OP I wonder if you are coming to the end of this relationship. You sound very different in terms of motivation to your partner. His current lack of earning power wouldn't worry me if he had motivation and ambition, but he sounds lazy and sexist. Personally I'd rather be single, with the chance of meeting someone more similar to me, than with someone like that, but each to their own - perhaps he has redeeming qualities which you have not mentioned.
"It made me want to shout 'l'm better than this. I don't have to live with a couple of men IN THEIR THIRTIES who behave like this'. "
Why didn't you?
I am upset by "don't let me disappear down the rabbit hole of housework". Because this sentence hints that you are very upset about the housework situation, but repressing it, because you have been conditioned to think that it is trivial, and you should just suck it up or you are being petty.
IT IS NOT TRIVIAL. YOU ARE NOT PETTY TO MIND BEING USED AS A DOMESTIC APPLIANCE.
I think the housework thing is more of a problem than the money thing, although they are slightly wrapped up together, because the inequity is more obvious when you consider that your boyfriend sees you as a couple when he might get to share your nice house, but as individuals when it's suggested that he has to put his resources (time, because that is all he has) into taking care of it.
Do you want to marry him? If not, do not buy a house with him.
You can buy a house, live in it with him, and protect your share if you do the right legal groundwork. But don't, because he is taking the piss and will probably never change. The housework thing is all we need to know.
You have the money to buy a lovely place on your own and live in it without engine grease in the sink. Do that, enjoy your course, and see how many men come running. (Clue: lots, and the current one will also perhaps clean his act up if it looks like he has to, to keep you. If he doesn't, who cares? No prize.)
I agree with many of the other posters. You do not have to combine your finances. You could still have personal bank accounts then perhaps a joint one where you both put an equal amount for bills, mortgage etc... You can also make sure that you are protected financially if things go wrong but it would be best to seek the advice of a solicitor on this matter. Do you think that you could trust him to have the mortgage money every month or would you be in a bind if he didn't?
His DB also lives with you both? Washes his bike chain in the sink ?
He and his bro are in their thirties.
With these added gems I suggest you get rid of him and his brother sharpish.
Massive warning bells here tbh. If these things are problems now, they will be a million times worse if you have children. Sorry
" He refused, on the grounds that he was likely to always have more time off than me, so he would end up doing more housework most of the time."
^this is your key to what your future with this petulant man child holds.
So instead he lets you do most of the housework on top of your job and studies, while he has long lie ins, and cant even be bothered to wash the dishes.
I would move out and buy a house if I were you! Not saying your relationship should end, just dont cohabit with him!
If he wants to live with you, in your house, it will be on YOUR terms
He isn't your partner. He's your annoying housemate.
Partners work together to do things and this can mean one financially supporting the other. You're not working together and I don't blame you for not wanting to support his lazy lifestyle!
I would move out. You don't have to dump him.
Woah! In light of your other posts Yadnbu!
You need to get your head around the fact that this is not actually about money. It's about a partnership and the different roles you have to fill in order to run a successful family unit. Sounds very clinical I know but you simply can't function in a relationship where one person is clearly giving more than the other.
When DH and I were both working full time,we pretty much did things equally housework wise. It didn't really matter that he earnt more as we were both working equally as hard. Fast forward 3 years when I decided to chase my dream a little and things changed completely. I wasn't working as much or for as much money but I sure as hell 'worked' hard on the days I was off cleaning the house, doing the shopping etc. DH 'carried' me but he was more than happy to as I was clearly still pulling my weight.
Your DP needs to pull his finger out his arse and stop freeloading!
You live with two annoying male housemates who see you as a domestic appliance.
I'd move out, sharpish.
The sentence the really skope to me was "...it's none of my business how he spends his time and money..."
I see what you mean, but the impression I get is that you are not "partners in life" but just boyfriend and girlfriend living together for the sake of it and sharing the rent.
I don't see it lasting to be honest.
He sounds like my ex.
Do you honestly think you're getting that grand he owes you back?
You're not married. There is absolutely no reason why he would pay you back if you two split up, short of you going to small claims for it. Which would be a right hassle.
He is taking the piss with the housework.
I think he knows he's onto a good thing. You're going to buy a house, and he's going to stick around until he finds something better. If he were especially fussed, he wouldn't be calmly refusing to do more housework.
Sorry, but honestly, there is so much wrong with this and focussing on you not wanting to support him financially is quite telling. That is the only bit of your post where you might posssibly be being slightly unreasonable, if everything else were equal. But everything else isn't!
thanks for your replies - obvs he has many good qualities too!
We have had several conversions about housework - it seems to come down to them not caring if the place is clean or not, and i do. I can't force them to live at my standard, so the other options are do it myself or no one does.
Wrt marriage and babies, they aren't things i want (whole other discussion!) so i'm not worried about that.
I think you are right though that i shouldn't buy a house with him
Well, if he didn't have good qualities you'd never have got together with him.
I don't see why you shouldn't expect some compromise on the state of the place. Obviously you can't force someone to live in an immaculate home if they're a natural slob, but if one person is slobbier than the other they should meet in the middle, it's only fair.
I have to say, someone who won't do housework is one of those things where I can actually feel my blood pressure go through the roof. I don't know how you live with it (well, I do, because I've done it myself). But it is immensely annoying. You do have my sympathy.
You do need to talk to him about this stuff, I reckon.
"it seems to come down to them not caring if the place is clean or not, and i do. "
Sorry tigermoll, but this is not true. Men like this always say they don't care or don't notice, but they do like having someone around who does the work so they don't have to.
If you weren't there, they would have taken a 3 bed house and advertised for a third flatmate, preferably a "girl" because "you know how it is when it's all blokes living together", ie vile. They all say this when they are looking for a flatmate, yet suddenly they "don't notice" when said flatmate is suggesting they do a hand's turn occasionally. It's a scam. Often, to be fair, a completely unconscious scam. But it's a scam.
If he is already annoying you, I think it will get a lot worse if you buy a house and your parents are funding the deposit. I don't think you are being unreasonable not to want to support your partner financially. If you hate your job the resentment will only get worse and worse. I don't think his attitude will change. It is possible but not likely. Even with separate finances it doesn't look great for the long term.
Take your lovely parents up on their generous offer. Rent a room or two to lodgers. Leave your boyfriend and his brother to their oily dishes.
Of course he is as bothered about the place being clean, just as you are. The thing is you will do it when you're bothered. He thinks you should do it. He's utterly selfish and yes, I can completely see why you wouldn't want to live with him and his brother.
Cleaned his bike chain in the sink without removing the dishes?!? WTAF!
Talk about taking the piss..... run Op.
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