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to not want to financially support my partner?

(83 Posts)
tigermoll Wed 20-Feb-13 07:57:08

Ok, bit of background, have been with my bf for 4 years, living together for 2 in rented flat with his db. I have a steady job l don't enjoy and am also studying pt, but only for my own enjoyment/education rather than training for a better career. BF has a career in an arts field, in which he makes a living,but it is v boom and bust. When i finish my course, i'd like to buy a house, as bank of mum and dad have said they will help me out with a deposit on a long-term loan basis.
At the moment, he is between jobs, and l freely admit to being jealous as hell of his career (its an area l tried to work in but was unsuccessful) and when l'm getting up at six to go to work, doing my homework on the bus, reading books in my lunch hour and then coming home to work on my essay, and find he hasn't even done the washing up, l feel pretty wound up. At the moment,we have totally separate finances, (although he owes me about a grand) and so its none of my business how he spends his time/money, but if we buy a house and combine our finances, that will change.

So my questions are:
a) would it be foolish/fair to expect him to change his attitude to money and housework if/when l buy a house?
b) he says his parents said they will also contribute to a deposit in a few years time, but l'm not keen on combining such large sums. Does that mean our r/ship is doomed?
c) ls it U of me to be unhappy with the idea of financially supporting my partner, and always being the main earner? It

Tee2072 Wed 20-Feb-13 08:07:33

I think it sounds like you and your boyfriend are very different and want different things and it might be time to rethink your relationship.

Part of loving someone is wanting to take care of them. That includes financially, if you can or if they need you to.

If all you feel is jealousy and resentment, why are you with him?

tigermoll Wed 20-Feb-13 08:08:32

sorry, posted too soon! At the moment, l find it hard to separate how jealous l am of his life (lie ins, lots of time off, a job he loves, professional respect, etc) from any genuine issues about how our r/ship functions.

I know there are people who don't 'get' the idea of separate finances for couples, and l'm worried that my desire not to support him means that our r/ship isn't a goer, long-term. Surely if i truly loved him, i wouldn't mind that he was a bit lazy and poor?

ENormaSnob Wed 20-Feb-13 08:10:29

Yanbu

I wouldn't want to financially support another adult either. Especially not in the circumstances you describe.

Jinsei Wed 20-Feb-13 08:12:39

I am the main earner in my family, and I don't mind this at all. However, you are not BU to not want to take this on. You need to talk to him about whether he is willing to make changes and then make your decisions accordingly.

StuntGirl Wed 20-Feb-13 08:13:47

What circumstances? Because he enjoys his job and she doesn't?

Part of being a partnership is supporting each other, and that includes financially. It doesn't sound like you want a future with this guy.

lecce Wed 20-Feb-13 08:18:52

I find the idea of wanting to maintain separate finances strange, tbh. To me, it indicates that you don't trust him and that would mean that your relationship doesn't seem to have much of a future.

I was in a similar position to you 8 or so years ago in that dh has always been a musician/writer and never made much money, though he has done teaching as well. However, he has always done the majority of the housework and we had always discussed his being a SAHD when children came along. That is what we have done and it has worked brilliantly for us and dh has done a fab job. I will probably always earn more than dh but it doesn't matter to me because he contributes so much in other ways and is not lazy at all, just a bit of a dreamer smile.

You do need tp let go of your jealousy but it must be hard if he is lazy round the house. What does he contribute in other ways? Is he taking the piss or is it more about your jealousy? Only you know, OP.

In a nutshell, it is madness to base your future on the idea that someone will change, as they seldom do.

tigermoll Wed 20-Feb-13 08:19:25

the thing is, we don't operate as a unit at the mome - when we moved in together, l was doing most of the housework as l had more time. When he stopped working, l expected him to do more, as he was at home during the day. He refused, on the grounds that he was likely to always have more time off than me, so he would end up doing more housework most of the time.
In my mind, that indicates that we aren't a time/finance unit, otherwise it wouldn' matter so much about the housework being 'fair' it would just be whoever wasn't earning would do that job, iyswim

CabbageLeaves Wed 20-Feb-13 08:19:55

YANBU It's your feelings and you are entitled to them

A) yes it is unfair to expect him to change his attitude but its not unfair to say keep your attitude but pay your share
B) I'd share your concerns
C) I think it's a completely valid choice you are making but I don't think you're quite following this through to the inevitable conclusion? You don't want to be in a relationship based as this will be, financially?

You need to talk to him and say how you feel. Short term support ...fine. Long term, indefinite... Whilst you gave up the same lifestyle because it was incompatible with living? No.

I have a friend with an artist husband. They started penniless and he's now a work renowned artist - money no object... But I suspect that is not the most common story you'll hear. He did also take on work and keep the family afloat whilst he established himself. She is a SAHM.

People will tell you money doesn't matter if you love someone and all that crap. It does if its you that always has to find the rent/mortgage etc. The people who think money doesn't matter usually haven't found themselves wondering if they can afford a meal that evening... (And often have another person doing that for them)

Brandysnapbasketapplefantastic Wed 20-Feb-13 08:20:59

If you go ahead with the house purchase, make sure you speak to a solicitor to ensure you are protected legally and financially if things go wrong. Otherwise he could walk away with part of the house which you and your parents have bought.
Taking legal advice in this situation is essential.

CabbageLeaves Wed 20-Feb-13 08:21:33

In a nutshell, it is madness to base your future on the idea that someone will change, as they seldom do

And this!

whois Wed 20-Feb-13 08:21:52

OP I don't think the relationship is doomed because you want separate finances.

I think if there is one partner knuckling down in the real world working hard at a job to bring in the bills, and another had made a lifestyle choice to make a go at a lifestyle career with low pay they really SHOULDN'T combine finances. Because in their assessment of pay vs job they will have decided that they would like a lower standard of living for higher job satisfaction. Which is totally fair enough as long as you don't sub that.

I think if wouldn't be too bad to buy somewhere together tho. Legal agreement drawn up re amount of equity put in initially. Mortgage paid equally by both of you. Get it all agreed up front and properly.

My DP and I have separate finances. We've been together 6 years. No DC and no joint home ownership. We pay half rent and bills each and buy other stuff as and when.

whois Wed 20-Feb-13 08:24:57

I think it's shit he won't do even his half of the housework!

Draw up a list of all household jobs and decide on frequency and standard of completion and who is doing them. To be totally fair to him of course, to make sure he doesn't do more than his fair share ;-)

Then you can pay to get a cleaner come in and do your half :-)

tigermoll Wed 20-Feb-13 08:26:36

that's a good point, all you who have said about the legal position - if l bought a flat, and he lived in it as my partner for say, five years, and we split up, would he have a stake in my house, if he'd contributed to the mortgage?

pigletmania Wed 20-Feb-13 08:26:37

I titallyagree with tee, I am a stahm, although I don't contribute financially I do in ther ways whist dh takes care f the bills etc. we bth wn the house, I contributed half whilst dh did and we almost own it. Wen I was unemployed ad looking for wrk for a short period, dh supported me, sent that what a loving partnership is about. It would be different if th partner was not bothering to work and basically taking the piss, here it sounds like you are envious of him

Adversecamber Wed 20-Feb-13 08:30:56

You should not wait to sort out housework problems, I think his reaction will highlight how reasonable or not he is.

Partners should always want to support each other but there are limits.I helped out DH when first together, he was right at the start of a career with a very specific structure. Your partner sounds as if his job will never be very secure, there have been posters on her before with partners that have jobs like this and resentment has reared it's head.

Your situation is complicated by the fact you were unsuccessful in the same field. I am a practical person and for me on paper it would not be a life style that appeals to me. I am looking at it dispassionately though.

Adversecamber Wed 20-Feb-13 08:33:44

There is some kind of legal arrangement that can be made where he has no claim on your flat at all. Make sure you do it op, a friend of mine is possibly being forced to sell her home due to not sorting finances out with an ex. Her situation is complex and she does have a solicitor.

teacher123 Wed 20-Feb-13 08:34:26

He refused, on the grounds that he was likely to always have more time off than me, so he would end up doing more housework most of the time.

That sentence speaks volumes. If he's at home, not working, he can do the washing up. Im a teacher and before we had DS I used to do all the washing up/laundry/housework etc in the holidays as I wasn't at work! In term time we split it 50:50. I'm currently on maternity leave so do as much as I can during the day and DH does whatever's left over. It's a partnership. And you both have to contribute. Whether that's financially or not isn't relevant really, it's about respect.

CabbageLeaves Wed 20-Feb-13 08:35:09

Make him a tenant until you both come to an agreement?

MorrisZapp Wed 20-Feb-13 08:42:19

My and my DP have separate finances. We've been together for 14 years, have owned our home for 10 years and have a wee DS. It works for us.

But I couldn't be with him if he expected me to do his share of the housework. That really is crap.

penelopepissstop Wed 20-Feb-13 08:42:20

I have separate finances from my DP. We've always done it that way and we prefer it though we know how much we earn and tend to know how much is left in each account. We do however, have a joint mortgage.
There's nothing to stop you having your own home in your name and continuing the relationship. That's practical common sense until you're both sure you want to own property/stay together. I wouldn't sweat it but get on with finding your own home sharpish. Interest rates are lower than they'll ever be again...

ENormaSnob Wed 20-Feb-13 08:43:57

What circumstances?

That he is inbetween jobs, doesn't pull his weight in the house and already owes her a grand.

I would run for the hills tbh.

Levantine Wed 20-Feb-13 08:47:33

I think separate finances are okay too, but I wouldn't stay with someone who didn't pull their weight at home. Tbh OP it doesn't sound like you really love him that much anyway, regardless of these other issues.

oldnewmummy Wed 20-Feb-13 08:50:43

On a related note, why not try to find a career you enjoy more? You're a long time dead.

Yanbu at all! I don't think you DO necessarily have to combine finances - lots of couples don't myself included. My ex husband and I had joint finances and it caused no end of problems. In fairness to him it was mainly because I liked to spend ridiculous amounts on my hair, Botox and other fripperies.

With my current husband (who I've lived with for 7 years we've always had separate finances. We earn similar amounts and pay similar amounts towards family expenses but he has no idea how much I spend/waste on crap. And vice versa. It makes for more harmonious living in my opinion.

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