Mum-in -law and Sister - in- law ganging up on you?

(79 Posts)
mgrg Mon 18-Feb-13 22:55:14

I lost my lovely Mum recently, totally unexpectedly through a heart attack. My Mum was my my main carer for my daughters under 9.I have a job and my Mum helped me to keep the plates from falling. My husband and I both work. On the day of my Mum's funeral my mother-in-law said she would help me with my girls in the school holidays. Neither she nor my SIL (who lives away) have ever had a job at the same time as having children. Any way, my manager is asking me about time off for the Easter holidays. My Mum in law then says that she can't look after her granddaughter because she has to go and look after her daughter's dogs.
My daughter Vs Sil' dogs.
What would u do ?

mgrg Tue 19-Feb-13 01:30:51

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

mgrg Tue 19-Feb-13 01:32:52

So anyway. I have still not got to the point, but looking through your answers so far. My little girls' whose only 8, is going to have to rely on me and my Dad, now that my Mum has gone. My SIL has sent us a threatening text against me. She has said that she "wants to size me to size", and I have taken that to be a physical threat. But apparently it's not. I don't know what to think?

mgrg Tue 19-Feb-13 01:34:35

I understand but I don't know how to deal with whats happening.

mgrg Tue 19-Feb-13 02:04:37

So what would u do? I dont suppose this happens very often but I love my mother in law, and sil, but if I disagree with them, all hell breaks lose. What should i do?

Forget trying to pin them down for childcare, you and your Dh are it from now on, same as for many families who live no where near family or don't get on with family.
Organize clubs, childminder and other after school relying on MIL sounds like it will lead to a big family blow out so forget about it.

ripsishere Tue 19-Feb-13 03:14:15

OP, I mean this in the kindest possible way but, you sound as if you are angry and flailing around trying to blame someone for your MiLs inability/disinclination to look after your DDs.
I would do what other's have suggested and find paid childcare.
Also, disengage from your SiL. I have no idea what size you for size means BTW.

Doogle2 Tue 19-Feb-13 03:38:12

No need for a personal attack on Worra.

FellatioNels0n Tue 19-Feb-13 03:48:35

What a very weird thread. confused

I think the answer is a childminder. Unless your MIL specifically agreed to be the 'main carer' for your daughter while you worked then I don't think you have a leg to stand on.

Why is it a bad thing if your DD has to rely on your dad? Wasn't she going to your Dad's house before? He's not completely incapable, is he?

And why have you atken against Worra? confused She was just trying to ascertain the facts from your slightly vague post.

Why has your SIL threatened you? Did you challenge her about your daughter v. her dogs?

myBOYSareBONKERS Tue 19-Feb-13 04:05:36

Your posts make no sense. Can't see what Worra did to offend you.

Sorry for your loss.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster Tue 19-Feb-13 04:54:40

OP you are making no sense. I don't know what you read into Worra's thread, but I really don't think she was being nasty to you at all.

I think you need to look into paid childcare and not rely on your MIL, as clearly she cannot be relied upon. I would start looking soon, as Easter isn't that far off. Are there any summer camp type set ups near you?

HollyBerryBush Tue 19-Feb-13 05:05:01

What does yor DH think of all this?

Does he think is mother and sister hate you?

Why would they stop childcare of his child?

Perhaps he should be doing the communicating with his side of the family?
however, as others have said, if you want reliable childcare in the absence of any family, then you have to pay for it.

havingamadmoment Tue 19-Feb-13 05:14:48

You need to find a childminder. It's unfortunate when family won't help I know my own family won't it upsets me that they can but won't but really helping is optional I have learned its easier to rely on yourself than other people. Have you tried seriously asking her why she went back on what she said - perhaps she forgot or perhaps she regrets saying it the answer to why is what matters here.

Morloth Tue 19-Feb-13 05:28:38

What you should do is completely remove them from your childcare arrangements. They are clearly not reliable.

Doesnt matter why, you cant make someone help you.

Sorry to hear about your Mum.

Montybojangles Tue 19-Feb-13 06:30:18

Why on earth are you so angry with worra? She was just asking for information.

I'm sorry you lost your mother, I even begin to imagine how upsetting that is.

It doesn't sound like you can rely on your inlaws for childcare. It might not be feasible to rely on your dad right now if he is still grieving. I would go for childminder/ holiday club type arrangement for reliability. Good luck.

NewAtThisMalarky Tue 19-Feb-13 06:41:39

It appears that you are angry at someone else for being busy at a time that you wanted them to be available.

It also sounds like you had no specific commitment from her for those dates.

I'm sorry, but I think YABU.

I'm sure she will help you - when she is available to help. Good luck in finding suitable alternative child care.

I'm very sorry for your loss.

catsmother Tue 19-Feb-13 06:42:46

I'm very sorry about your mum. I lost my dad from a heart attack completely unexpectedly and I know it's an awful shock - one day they're fine the next they've gone with no warning. It seems unreal and very hard to come to terms with.

You must still be feeling very raw and if your MIL offered to help you with chilcare at your mum's funeral, but has now gone back on that offer, then you're entitled to feel upset and let down. Maybe, given the stress and upset you must have been feeling that day though, somewhere down the line wires have been crossed .... maybe MIL didn't grasp the dates you needed .... I don't know, I wasn't there. However, I don't think there'd be anything wrong in questionning her along the lines of "sorry, maybe I misunderstood but I thought you'd agreed to have the girls on such and such date" - giving her the opportunity to explain any possible mix-up.

If "all hell" does break loose as a result of you asking a polite question then I think that'd confirm once and for all that your MIL is unreasonable and can't be relied on. I know that'll mean you'll have to organise alternative childcare and I know how expensive that can be but unfortunately I don't see you have any other choice. The upside of paid, non-family childcare is thart it can usually be relied upon 99.99% of the time - short of dire emergencies or illness - so at least you'll know where you stand.

Have to say though that some of what you've written doesn't make sense. You say you love your MIL but aren't friends with her any more ? Having read the whole thread I don't think anyone has had any sort of go at you - Worraliberty actually said that if your MIL knew the dates and let you down then you were not being unreasonable to feel upset about it.

Groovee Tue 19-Feb-13 06:51:04

I'm sorry for your loss.

My MIL refused to help when I returned to work after a career break despite constantly telling me it was better for mothers to work. I found an excellent childminder.

2 years later MIL asked if I wanted her to have the children one day a week while I worked. I declined as by then both children were at school.

Sometimes these are the ways we have to go when being let down.

longjane Tue 19-Feb-13 07:00:48

i think you need to take some time off work and get your head straight
you dad might not be in the right place either to help now

go and get signed off work you sound like you need it
be kind to your self and your dad
leave your IL out of it.
look after yourself and your family
your daughters need you now

Isityouorme Tue 19-Feb-13 07:10:09

Your daughter is going to now have to rely on you .... Well, you are her mother.

Euphemia Tue 19-Feb-13 07:14:03

In your situation there is no way I would be asking MIL to look after the children at all. It sounds too complicated by emotion.

There are 10+ weeks of school holidays a year: that's too much stress to give yourself. Find a childminder/out of school club.

Let MIL bitch and moan - you are the parents and you decide who looks after your children.

minibmw2010 Tue 19-Feb-13 07:14:37

You're going to have to pay for a CM or school club like many other parents do.

HollyBerryBush Tue 19-Feb-13 07:19:38

As an aside - what does this mean? "wants to size me to size",, is it something lost in text translation?

redlac Tue 19-Feb-13 07:34:43

Childminder is your answer and then you don't have to rely on relatives

MummytoKatie Tue 19-Feb-13 07:46:03

I think what Worra was getting at is that with everything that was happening on the day of your mum's funeral your MIL didn't write the dates down. (Like you say having a pEn was not your first priority.) And so everything got confused and she's now agreed to something else.

I think it isn't helped by Easter being quite early this year and the holidays being a slightly funny time.

You are obviously so sad about your mum and were hoping that MIL could step in and fill the gap. But no one is going to be able to do that as no one is your mum.

Focus on getting some professional childcare sorted then let yourself grieve for your mum.

So sorry for your loss.

Bobyan Tue 19-Feb-13 07:47:27

Looking at your other threads OP maybe you should stop having a pop at Worra and concentrate on sorting out your childcare.
I'm sure your daughters will need settling in time with a childminder before the Easter holidays start, so make finding one your top priority.

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