Mumsnet Talk

Chocolate that's so sad, but I can completely relate. I remember my first Mother's day with DD2. We were at his parents for the weekend and on Mothers day, SIL and MIL were both given gifts, cards and breakfast in bed by DP's dad and siblings. I had bought MIL a book she really wanted and some flowers on DP's behalf. FIL prepared breakfast and BIL prepared lunch. They both got really spoiled and deservedly so.

DD2 was just a few months old and I was still quite tired and emotional. DP hadn't got me anything not even a card which of course upset me, but it was the embarrassment that got me more. PIL's were disgusted with him and told him so, which made things worse as I then got really upset and cried at the dinner table (was a bit PSD at the time).

Lisa his parents are lovely by the way.

That there are people out there who quite happily lap up the attention on birthdays, Xmas, etc, and accept the presents, but then do nothing to reciprocate for the person they're supposed to love and cheish more than anything????? Well words fail me they really do.

I feel really quite sad to read some of the posts above.
I'm afraid I also agree with snazzynewyear's post about what the children might learn from it.
Christ this is a really sad thread

I thought it was just my DP who was like this. It's my birthday in just under a fortnight and today I was looking through my watched items on Ebay and DP noticed and said "oh I will get you that for your birthday" about something that's been on for a while with a buy it now price. I was happy.... Then no longer than an hour later he purchased something himself on Ebay, meaning that as he doesn't get paid again between now and my birthday he cannot afford my present. Not only that but he THEN asked ME if I would lend him some money. Words fail me.

Choc I totally see your thinking that 'I don't want my dcs to think that not making an effort for people you care about is the right thing to do' but I think it is very plausible that the actual message they get from what happens is: 'Dad's really important and we need to make a fuss of him with cards and presents. Mum isn't important and doesn't deserve presents, and we don't need to bother because Dad never does and that's just how things are'. And that's what they may take into adult relationships, which would IMO be even more sad.

Lara2 yes, it's the asymmetry of it that is worst. There are some people (women as well as men) who are genuinely not that bothered about getting presents, so apply that logic to their partner. That at least is fair if not particularly loving or generous. But the expecting to get presents yourself, yet not bothering to reciprocate, takes the biscuit for me.

My DP used to do this every mother's day always saying "But you're not my mother" when I got upset. Until one year on father's day I got him nothing, invited my parents for lunch and conspicuously gave my dad his presents. DP looked pissed off and said something about it being more than he'd got. So I smiled sweetly and said "But you're not my father!" He never did it again!

I feel very sad reading this. What about your dc growing up thinking his behaviour is normal? You deserve better than this.

Oh, please don't waste too much more time on him. He can go and live with his mummy and buy her flowers.

You're not happy now, you won't magically get happier, and as the children get older it will be much harder to do anything about it.

I always do something for DH whatever the occasion. It's not always much but I often give it a lot of thought and make sure it's something he'll like. I buy him a present for his birthday and Christmas. For his birthday I cook him his favourite meal and the kids help make a birthday cake. For Father's day I help the kids make cards and a present and dh loves receiving something that they've made. I don't want to treat my dh the way he treats me as I don't want my dcs to think that not making an effort for people you care about is the right thing to do.

I suppose it's my own fault for letting it go on so long but I don't think he'll change.

I usually get something - last birthday is a book that I told him I would never read and a book like one of my hobbies but that is nothing like he has ever seen me do.

I have just taken ds to one side and showed him on ebay something for him to get me. He is six, but quite capable of insisting dh gets it for him to give to me. I insist on presents for me for the sake of ds's future partner. Otherwise I wouldn't bother.

I make a fuss of his birthday/Christmas/father's day.

It's not worth the battle - it is always some reason why I should appreciate it, and it's polite to accept gifts graciously. I now smile, nod, put it to one side, get on with things.

OP - hope you are okay and that his parents will be nice to you.

Choc and Lisa - that's really cold. Can I ask, do you do anything for partners' birthdays and Christmas then, or have you now given up if you never get anything?

You've both hinted that you now say very little about this. Did you try a while back, and what did your partner say in response?

I get reminded just how little I count three times per year - birthday, Christmas and Mother's Day. I refuse to celebrate either Valentines or our anniversary as I cannot bear the humiliation of it.

There is never much you can say, as 'you are being over-sensitive' and 'birthdays/Christmas' are for kids' and 'you can't upset ds about 'his' gift' but the obvious lack of care is incredibly corrosive and rots a relationship.

Just wanted to wish you a belated Happy Birthday

I can completely understand how you feel OP as I'm married to a selfish arse too. How long has he been like this? I'm not sure what to suggest but you really mustn't let things carry on this way. I'll be keeping an eye on this thread to see what other people suggest as it might help me too.

I've had 13 years of it and I feel so much bitterness towards my DH. I should have said something sooner but in the back of my mind I wanted him to make me feel special because he wanted to and not because I nagged him. He forgets my birthday, never bothers at Christmas and mothers day doesn't exist. I hate all special occasions now as it just reminds me of how little I mean to him.

TSC, what a horrendous reply. And a shrug as well. How disgustingly patronising and cold-hearted.

He sounds awful.

What are his parents like? If they ask you how your birthday went, I hope you won't lie to them.

And, if it is your choice to not leave him (although I obviously hope you do) then might I suggest you say to him that you will put exactly the same amount of thought and effort into his birthday (and xmas gift, etc) that he puts into yours.

And when his birthday comes around, and he sulks, have nothing to say on the matter except a reminder of how he celebrated yours.

Although, obviously, leaving would make for a much happier life - in the long term.

Take care mum.

Do you get on with his Parents?

TheSecondComing - have you even bothered to read the op's posts?!

TSC, the fact that your DP has addressed the issue, and you're in agreement with his actions is a world away from a thoughtless twat muttering 'what d'ya want then?' The night before.

when you know someone actually gives a shit about you, it's a totally different ballgame.

OP's P is an example of serial humiliation.

It's my 40th (on Sunday) dp hasn't got me anything (yet) because i'm having a big 'do' and will get 'stuff' from friends and family.
He'll get me what I want next month. I honestly don't see the issue.
I'll get a card and flowers and a nice day. <shrugs> we don't have enough cash for duplicate pressies/pointless stuff I don't need.

I know some adults with adhd and not one of them is a selfish twat. I think if you took away the adhd, he'd probably still be thoughtless.

Crawling off to bed now, but wishing you well. Can you work out a way so that his problems do not become your problems? Because until you either ltb (from the sound of it planned with military precision) or work out a way to be unaffected by this or protected, it will probably not get better and may get worse.

Is it currently visibly affecting kids? Do they have healthy models of how couples work? You have a lot on your plate - <<<hug>>>

Lisa - Thank you x

The flowers are out of sight in another room so his parents wont see them.

Yes, its more than the flowers or lack of birthday cheer. Its just another example of his utter selfishness. He has ADHD, so struggles to be accountable for his actions and very rarely apologies if he does something wrong. I've tried to understand, but I really struggle, he's also very dependable on me and its draining.

Hes playing mind games and sounds like he always wants the upper hand.

Sounds scarily like my exdp, went on a 3 day bender, spending all our money for the decorating the house - then didnt speak to me for days because I dared confront him!

Lifes too short to worry about his little moods and sulks, hope you get things sorted OP.

Chased - I am considering LTB, but he has nowhere to go and wouldn't go quietly. Sometimes the thought of the inevitable aftermath that would follow a separation is more worrying than just carrying on as we are. We have good days and bad, its far from ideal but we have 3 DCs two of which are little and they all adore him.

I didn't get anything from DH either. Apparently it is "in the post." My DM said she would "give me some money when she sees me." Well that won't be till the summer.