To not go to this wedding?

(37 Posts)
space21 Mon 18-Feb-13 22:40:04

I have also posted in Travel but need the straight talking from here!
A dear friend is getting married mid May in Essex. I really want to go of course but am PG with DS2 who is due end March. I live in Bordeaux so would have to fly.

At first it seemed feasible but now I'm starting to get myself in a tizzy about whether it's safe to take a 6 week old (maybe less maybe more) on a plane and then surround him with loads of people and expose him to potentially harmful germs before any vacs. And then we're not even sure of getting his passport in time.

I know I'll be upset if we don't go but at the same time I'm scared at the fragility of a 4-6 week old.

Maybe this is more a WWYD than AIBU?

DontmindifIdo Tue 19-Feb-13 12:45:41

oh and you are also looking at 6 weeks after you send off the application or when they receive it? If you register birth on day 3, then have to get photos done, the form completed (do you need to get people like bank manager or priest to counter sign the photos still when you're applying overseas?), that could all realisically take you until the DC is 5-6 days old (assuming you don't have better things to do like recover and deal with your DS), then they have to receive it, it's going to be over a week after the DC is born before the process starts.

I'd say it's only going to be possible at all if your DC is 2-3 weeks early.

DontmindifIdo Tue 19-Feb-13 12:42:16

It's highly unlikely you'll get the passport in time, even if your DC is born on the due date - they might say 6 weeks, but you're going to hit the easter holidays and things at embassies always get bogged down round holidays where brits are losing passports etc putting extra strain on the service, staff having time off etc. Unless your DC is early, I'd assume you'd not get the passport by the time of the wedding.

Then there's the practicalities of getting there and back and the way you might feel.

Just decline, it's so unlikely you'll be able to make it. If by some fluck you are able to get the passports etc in time, you might feel you have to go regardless of if you are physically up to it.

Once you explain the passport issue (even if you don't go into the practicalities of travelling with a newborn), most brides will accept it.

MiaowTheCat Tue 19-Feb-13 12:28:20

You don't know how you're going to be until the baby's here - indeed you don't know WHEN the baby's going to materialise either! For all you're working on having 6 weeks to sort passports etc out - if you go overdue you could end up almost two weeks late before they start muttering about induction and have more like 4 weeks to sort things out instead... or you could go early and be on a much more even keel and feel up to going.

I think the best you're going to be able to do is leave it tentative but probably a nope - and do something like send them a telegram on the day (relatives of ours over in Oz did that) to be read out at the reception - or try to sort out some kind of Skype hook-up so you can tell her how fab she looks that morning and she can coo over the baby.

It would be the passport thing being the big part of putting me off tbh - wouldn't trust or want the stress of getting one in time.

space21 Tue 19-Feb-13 12:10:44

gracelo it will take max 6 weeks to get a passport as it has to go via Paris to the UK so just won't have time especially if overdue which ds1 was by 2 weeks.
expat I think you're right!

Gracelo Tue 19-Feb-13 08:56:07

How quickly could you get a passport for the baby living in France? I went to Germany for Christmas 3 month after dd was born. I had to go to the German consulate in Edinburgh to apply for the passport (can be done by post now, I think) and then everything was sent to Berlin. We got the passport well in time but we had twice as much time as you have.

If he is late he could be four weeks old, not six. That would put me off a bit.

I went to a wedding when DS1 was three weeks old. I spent most of it rocking ("Psst, Horry, you aren't holding the baby.") and knackered. It was within five miles of home.

I went to a christening with both DCs when DS2 was six weeks old. We had a two-hour drive to get there, which was fine. But the service and reception were hard work because he was squirmy and hungry and he pooed and I felt fat, etc etc.

I don't think the travel is the issue, nor the age of the baby, but your recovery. If you have a late section the chances are you will still be wincing when you lift things, in which case you deserve to be resting at home.

I'd decline. I can't imagine anyone would be offended in the circumstances.

expatinscotland Tue 19-Feb-13 08:44:16

Sounds like a faff. I'd decline.

honeytea Tue 19-Feb-13 08:43:40

The problem we had was they don't give tge vaccine till 12 weeks here, they refused to give it to me when I was pregnant (like they do in tge UK)

space21 Tue 19-Feb-13 08:14:51

honeytea they give the whooping cough vaccine after the birth but I think it's getting the passport that has killed any possibility of going!
Just bought two new suitcases too smile

RichManPoorManBeggarmanThief Tue 19-Feb-13 06:11:16

I think it would be doable but not necessarily fun.

This. Dont go out of duty- weddings are supposed to be fun for the guests, not something you feel you must do to prove the friendship. Think about it - You will probably be really tired, unless baby is a very good sleeper (I think weeks 5-6 were the absolute worst for me, both times round), and going to a wedding with a baby in your arms is never that much fun. At our wedding a few friends with very young babies bowed out and I rally wasnt upset- I was sad they couldnt be there, but totally understood they couldnt be

honeytea Tue 19-Feb-13 06:02:14

I would say don't go, maybe if it was a close relative's wedding or one of youths part of the wedding party it would be a good idea.

I think it would be doable but not necessarily fun.

2 things would put me off, the passport could be a hassle, we live in Sweden and my 9 week old ds still doesn't even have a UK birth certificate.

The germs a large crowd of foreign people would have would really scare me, you probably wont have antibodies to the UK germs in the same way you have antibodies to the French germs.

Have you had a whooping cough vaccine whilst pregnant? I asked my Dr to give me the vaccine whilst pregnant as we planned to travel to the UK before ds's vaccinations and tgey refused.

We have cancelled our trip, mostly because ds has been very ill with rs virus (which wouldn't be a problem in May) I wouldn't want to risk exposing ds to all those germs that neither of us are used to and if he became ill having to deal with him having treatment on the NHS.

We are going to go to the UK in July when ds has received 2 sets of vaccinations, my family are really really disappointed that we have postponed our trip, I'd advise you to not over promise incase you disappoint by canceling.

Good luck with your birth and congratulations in advance smile

HollyBerryBush Tue 19-Feb-13 05:37:09

We had a wedding, a 5 hour drive, six weeks after DS1 was born. Nothing physically to stop us going, but remember you will still be post partum bleeding (no one ever tells you about that at antenatal classes) and generally feeling rough because of the blood loss.

Not forgetting the amount of paraphenalia most parents lug about with a PFB.

I would decline - unless you wants to show the baby off. Which of course some people do.

space21 Tue 19-Feb-13 05:29:55

I honestly can't remember how ds1 and I were at 6 weeks - it was such a whirlwind!
I had my son here and they send a registrar to the maternity ward on day 3 to register the birth - all very easy. (you can stay 5-7 days in the maternity ward).
Passport on the other hand has to be applied for thru uk embassy in Paris and that isn't complicated - but they are currently quoting lead time of 6 weeks!!!!
I like the idea of arranging a weekend later on ... Maybe that's the way forward?

5madthings Tue 19-Feb-13 00:23:10

See how you feel, time babies that age are very portable, it will be the two yr old who us hard work!

squeakytoy Tue 19-Feb-13 00:21:46

It would be a ten hour journey over 2 days, which I would say is perfectly safe to do and know many people that do it.

NynaevesSister Tue 19-Feb-13 00:19:15

I did UK to Hong Kong at that age and was fine. As said it depends on you and baby. Breast feeding helps. But at that age they are so tiny and so easy to manage. Flying with a 13 month old is what you want to avoid ...

Alibabaandthe40nappies Tue 19-Feb-13 00:19:12

squeaky you can't have a child that young in a carseat for 10-12 hours over two days and then back again, it is so bad for their backs.

squeakytoy Tue 19-Feb-13 00:13:42

Why not drive and stopover at a hotel half way to break up the journey. It isnt a massively long drive.

bedhaven Mon 18-Feb-13 23:58:22

We were hoping to attend a friends wedding in France from the UK a month after my due date. DS had other plans however and after arriving 13 days late was just too young as sleazyjet require infants to be more than 14 days old.
We reckoned on 2 weeks for passport but realistically think this would have been closer to 3. You'd need to register the birth quick smart (I seem to recall France insists on it quickly rather than the potential 2-6 week wait here).
Have someone authorised to confirm your identity and submit the forms. In the UK you can make an appointment to submit the forms in person (and thankfully it doesn't necessarily have to be taken by the mother even if she is the parent applying. However, child's first passport cannot be collected same day, you still have to wait for post! Obviously might be different in France but hopefully gives an idea of barriers that crop up.
I was actually retrospectively pleased not be able to make it, it would have been exhausting.
We were lucky to have understanding hosts who knew the issues and were able to keep our places just in case rather than give these (let's face it expensive) places to others.
Good Luck!

Benby Mon 18-Feb-13 23:40:27

I would say don't do it. I put myself under tremendous pressure to go on a family holiday 6 weeks after having dd2 by c section. We didn't even have to bring the new baby my mam minded her, we only had dd1 with us. But I really feel in hindsight it pushed my recovery back months.
Best of luck with your decision.

smellysocksandchickenpox Mon 18-Feb-13 23:40:02

also you can think you feel fine after the birth but it might be adrenaline and it'll all catch up with you in a couple of weeks

and the baby might nap nicely on week one then by week 4 scream constantly with colic/reflux

Or the other way round, you might feel like chicken-licken on week one then be feeling fantastic in a couple of weeks

you won't know how you'll both be at week 4-6 until week 4-6. How it is immediately after the birth won't be an indication. Its very up and down and up again in the first weeks - it takes a while for it to settle and know yourself and your baby and what you can take on

BlatantLies Mon 18-Feb-13 23:36:19

I would plan an alternative weekend get together later in the Year. One where you can celebrate the wedding and actually get to chat and enjoy each others company.

BackforGood Mon 18-Feb-13 23:34:36

As others have said - they are all different, and you just won't know until the time.
When dc1 was 6 weeks old, I was still in my dressing gown most of the day wondering what on earth had hit me. With dc2 and dc3, they just slotted into daily life after a very few days.

mameulah Mon 18-Feb-13 23:32:11

Don't go!!! Really, don't go.

We have a twelve week old baby and whilst it is utterly wonderful I cannot imagine the pressure of KNOWING that we had to get ready for an event after he was born.

Our ds was four weeks old on Christmas Day and I had EVERYTHING organised before the end of November. I remember being so grateful at the time that it was all done because I couldn't at all have imagined coping with Christmas shopping and the visitors and the lack of sleep etc etc etc.

If you can't be straight with your friend and just say that you are not going then pretend that you are waiting to see but have your mind and your excuse ready for when you need it.

Honestly, don't put yourself through it.

smellysocksandchickenpox Mon 18-Feb-13 23:28:38

when my first was that age I was still loosing clots and being threatened with re-admission, her jaundice hadn't flushed out yet, and BFing still wasn't properly sorted - and we were doing pretty well compaired to a lot of my antenatal friends, Oh and 3 weeks on is colic time, and oh boy did we know it!

I couldn't have travelled, I couldn't have even gone to a local wedding for more than a couple of hours early in the day before the colic set in

2nd baby isn't even that old yet and I could travel tomorrow. My stitches haven't healed right and I have spd but nothing urgent medically and the baby is feeding well and quite content

I would say no. It'll ruin your "baby moon" to spend the first weeks worrying if you'll both be ready for the trip on time

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