to be utterly sick of my bridezilla sister

[MsIngaFewmarbles]

She is getting married to her DP in the next couple of months. We are currently at a stage where we have been uninvited to the wedding because we have asked not to look after her 4yo and 4mo DSs on the wedding night meaning we would have to leave the wedding at 8pm. Our DDs were meant to be bridesmaids so I assume they now won't be.

I offered for us to ask if our (new) nanny could care for her DSs overnight on her wedding night meaning that we could stay at the wedding, she said this would be fine. I came back to her with a price and she asked, are you sure YOU want to pay that?

She has spent £1500 on her wedding dress, the bridesmaids dresses have cost £15 each second hand. I know the cost isn't really my business, but they are cheap looking and not completely clean.

I said we were happy to help look after DNs during the wedding and reception but didn't feel comfortable sharing care with my estranged parents so either we would have them for the whole thing or a 3rd party, perhaps a friend or relative would need to help with that. Her response was that if there was any arguments between us we would be asked to leave. This would never happen, despite the horrible history between us (emotional abuse from my father, alcoholism and neglect from my mother) I would never cause any unpleasantness at her wedding.

I don't know what to do. She has sent horrible texts this evening accusing me of ruining her wedding, criticising my wedding and calling me all the names under the sun.

WIBU to accept her 'uninvitation' or do I need to be the bigger person and fix this mess, ie put up with this nonsense?

[TheLibrarianOok]

I'd leave her to stew. Daft mare - cutting off her nose to spite her own face.

But then I really don't get the whole wedding thing anyway.

[parakeet]

It sounds like she is the one being totally unreasonable (especially re the name-calling texts), but as to where you go from here, what was your relationship like with her before all this?

If you were close, then it would seem a shame to risk your relationship with her over this. In which case, why not write her a letter, hand deliver it in a few days, saying something along the lines of: "Sorry it has come to this, I'd be sad to miss my own sister's big day, is there any way we can patch things up?"

If she's always been a drama lama, though, then I'd leave her to it.

[MsIngaFewmarbles]

I don't get it either, the only reason we had one at all is because our DDs begged us, otherwise we would have done it alone in jeans!

So I don't need to nake nice? Thank god, it would have really have stuck in my throat

[plantsitter]

Hmmm. Can I be honest? Here's what it sounds like to me.

You said you were happy to look after you DNs at the wedding... but suddenly you're not.

You offer your nanny but are unclear about who will pay - after having said you would help look after them I can see where the confusion came from.

You basically said you don't want anything to do with your parents at the wedding. I'm sure you have your reasons but again I can see why this would worry your sister given your family history.

I think your sis is probably worrying about the family dynamics at the wedding and you have panicked her by saying you'll do something and then refusing to do it. Obviously she's over reacting but I think you do need to do a bit of smoothing over. I know from experience it is bloody stressful organising a wedding with 2 small children and I am not at all a 'Bride's Perfect Day' person.

[MsIngaFewmarbles]

Total drama llama, always. Everything always on her terms. Our relationship is wobbly. I think we are both still suffering from the total head fuck that was our childhood. She has chosen to pretend it didn't happen, I have had counselling and dealt with it. I just now have no interest in a relationship with them. She clings to our mother as she will occasionally provide childcare for her.

[ChaoticisasChaoticdoes]

If she can afford to spend £1500 on a dress then she can afford to pay for childcare.

[MsIngaFewmarbles]

Plantsitter, there may be some truth in what you say from her POV. OTOH, the rules change when you have kids, Princess Bride doesn't happen as it does before you have them. You generally don't get the whole 'not seeing partner before wedding' (as this means the poor bugger is looking after both DC all day) you don't necessarily have the disposable income for a huge fairytale day (they don't). etc etc

[MsIngaFewmarbles]

Chaotic yes yes yes, exactly my point

[Snazzynewyear]

I don't see that you (or anyone) is obliged to look after their children, and it's certainly off in my book to then go down the route of abuse and name-calling if someone won't do it.

There is presumably some history with the 'estranged parents'? Why did they have to be involved? Don't understand why she wouldn't take up your offer to have them entirely by yourselves.

Agree with parakeet above that it really comes down to the history of your relationship; having said that, what had seemed like a solid history with a friend came unstuck over a wedding-related disagreement. It is the kind of thing that brings out people's true colours rankles for a long time.

[parakeet]

Then in that case, you are well out of this wedding. I would keep the day free, just in case she changes her mind at the last minute, but I would be hoping she does not. Think of all the arguments and crises that are likely to happen between then and now - they are not your problem any more!

[TheLibrarianOok]

Agreed Parakeet - I second that advice.

[TheLibrarianOok]

I wouldn't rush to respond to texts etc either.

[Skinnywhippet]

Ignore messages or tell her you are not interested anymore. You respect her decision and will not come to the wedding. She will probably then realise her mistake and try to rectify things. If not, just leave it. Very childish of her.

[MsIngaFewmarbles]

OK headlines of history for those interested.

Father is a narcissist, I was the golden child, she was treated like dirt by him

Mother was already beaten down by him before we arrived, totally backed him up as she was scared (or something)

I was traumatised as love was totally conditional on meeting all his demands, she was traumatised as he was vile to her.

Relationship between us is understandably difficult but we usually try hard.

I lost golden child status as an adult, I had the temerity to leave my exH (DV) which caused him some inconvenience, I was dropped like a hot potato.

She is so insecure after her treatment by them that she clings to our mother.

I have had counselling and have processed all this shit and want nothing to do with them.

I think that about covers it

[SecretNutellaFix]

I would gladly accept the "uninvitation"

She has effectively told you that you were responsible for providing childcare for her children. She has also told you that if any argument broke out at her wedding caused by your estranged parents you would be thrown out? Does she mean your parents as well as you, or just you?

She has sent you abusive messages and she expects you to sit down and take it? I think not!

[Branleuse]

why wouldn't you look after her kids for her wedding. seems a bit mean.

[plantsitter]

Well if she is into melodrama usually then perhaps the situation is different.

However in your position I would probably take pity on her and try and sort things out (without apologising) in a few days. Surely the 4mo can sleep in a buggy at the reception and the 4 yo won't want to leave before your kids anyway? It is a wedding after all.

[plantsitter]

I wrote that last post before reading your brief family history. For me that makes keeping a relationship with your sister even more important. She is the only other person who understands what went on during your childhood. Don't let her boss you about, for sure, but maybe roll your eyes and help her out for her wedding day?

[Branleuse]

can't the kids all stay up past bedtime on their mums wedding?

[hippo123]

Sorry, if it was my sister I would be helping her out with her children. Yes it might mean you leaving early with them, but you say you have children of your own so i presume you won't be staying late getting bladdered anyway? You could choose to use your nanny to help you out if you want, but that's your choice, therefore you should pay. If she's only spent £15 on her bridesmaid dresses i presume they aren't rolling in money, your comments about the dresses make you sound a bit horrible to be honest. It's ones day out of your life helping her out, she's allowed to be a bit selfish on her wedding day and actually get the chance to enjoy herself without having to deal with her kids. I think the difference here is I like my sister and by the sounds of it you don't.

[MsIngaFewmarbles]

Branleuse, because it would appear that was the only reason we were invited. If it had been incidental that would have been different. Why wouldn't they pay for childcare for their DC? Surely if you are spending £X k on your wedding and you have DC, you arrange childcare?

[Branleuse]

she is trying to arrange childcare. She's asked you. you're her sister. if i was getting married id ask family too.
who else has kids overnight??

[Branleuse]

Im not close to my brother but id have no problem taking on that responsibility for their wedding night

[DonderandBlitzen]

How much is the nanny charging to have her kids? Could you pay for the nanny as your wedding present to your sister?

[Snazzynewyear]

Is that really the only reason you were invited? Has she said that, and did she say it in the nasty texts or right from the start?

Hmm on the family history - that does complicate things. I presume your sister thinks you still 'owe' her for being the golden child?

Still don't get why it was apparently insisted upon that you and your estranged parents had to all handle the childcare together.