To not tell my ex that he's going to be a dad?

(196 Posts)
BlessedDespair Mon 18-Feb-13 11:59:53

Regular but have name changed

My ex is not the sort you would want to have any involvement with a child. If I let him know that I'm pregnant (to late really for an abortion and who knows if this will be my only chance to have a child or not) he'll want to be involved and will insist we get back together and be a 'proper' family.

He was very controlling while we were together to the point of dictating where I shopped and who I went with as well as who I could and couldn't speak to. I don't want him to have that sort of hold over me again or for him to develop that sort of control over my child.

I'm not putting his name on the birth certificate and if we bump intro each other and he asks I'm planning to tell him that someone else is the father. Since he already thinks I'm a whore who'll spread my legs for anyone (because I worked up the courage to leave him) I'm sure he'll believe he isn't the father.

Sugarice Mon 18-Feb-13 12:02:42

No you're not unreasonable.

You know him and he sounds vile.

Good luck with your pregnancy.

Not really qualified to comment, but will you be needing financial support? Also, at some point I think you will need to tell your DC about its father....that will be a difficult conversation if you have told stories about other "dads".

AnitaManeater Mon 18-Feb-13 12:04:27

Although I understand your reasons for not telling your ex (and I would be tempted to keep quiet too) It's your child's right to know who their parents are.

What are you going to do when your baby grows up and asks?

I have no father on my birth certificate, I know his first and last name and thats it, it utterly sucks not knowing where you come from. The fact my mother wouldn't tell me about him lead us on a downward spieal that has ended with us not talking at all.

Think about whats right for your baby, not you your babys dad.

Thumbwitch Mon 18-Feb-13 12:04:55

Well I think YANBU as well but I'm sure there will be some posters who trot along and tell you that he has a right to know and your child has a right to know their father, however vile he is.

But if I were you, I'd keep very quiet about it indeed. And probably move to another part of the country, if possible.

mmmuffins Mon 18-Feb-13 12:05:43

What a sad situation. Can I ask why do you think this may be your only chance to become a mother?

What if this man did find out he had a child with you? A child binds you; it sounds like he would make life very difficult for you if he knew.

IneedAsockamnesty Mon 18-Feb-13 12:08:49

Yanbu.

In your suituation I would not tell.

mumofapirate Mon 18-Feb-13 12:09:06

yanbu but bare in minde if anyone else knows he's the dad it might get back to him or if the baby looks like him. I do think your doing the right thing he sounds like a tosser

LisaMed Mon 18-Feb-13 12:10:23

If anything should happen to you, who would look after the child? Also any family history of particular illness in his family?

Otherwise, go for it. Your first duty is to the child.

LaurieBlueBell Mon 18-Feb-13 12:11:23

Yes he sounds like a tosser. However I'm one of those who thinks your child does have a right to know their father.

MissyMoo makes a good point.

VenusRising Mon 18-Feb-13 12:13:28

Well Blessed, I think you could benefit from a chat with the lovely women who work in women's aid.

You have left an abusive man, and have since found out you're pregnant.

Involving this x will potentially leave you open to abuse again, and also your baby.

So for me it's a no brainier, that you don't involve him, and just move on.

I am sorry about the other posters who don't know their fathers. I feel for you, but Blessed has said she escaped from an abusive relationship, so I feel she's entitled to a life without this abusive man, and while it may be hard for you not to know your own father, Missy, its maybe not so helpful to the OP to project your own feelings onto her.
I think Blessed and her child would be better off without the abusive man.

There are a lot of people who care about what happens to you Blessed, maybe pick up the phone and call women's aid, and see what support they can offer you.

Congratulations, and best of luck.

DeepRedBetty Mon 18-Feb-13 12:13:31

I think I'd move and not tell, and be ready to come up with a version of the truth when your daughter or son is old enough.

And congratulations btw!

RedHotRudieParts Mon 18-Feb-13 12:14:38

Yabu, it wll screw your child up. You may not realise it has but it will. Kids need to know where they come from.

I grew up not knowing anything about my fathers background, I live in the same town still and have no doubt passed him thousands of times, it's not a nice feeling believe me. I also have no idea about my medical history from that side which is pretty worrying.

My friends dd also doesn't know her dad, but she knows she has older siblings. I took her out for the day recently, on and on she went about the brother and sister she doesn't know.

' will they like me ?'

'if I met them they'd look after me and play with me '

' i'd love it if my sister took me shopping for clothes'

She doesn't even know us that well but it was as if she needed to get it off her chest.

I had a word with her mum and suggested she has a talk with her, mum insists she's perfectly fine. Poor kid's 10 and it's eating her away inside already.

BlessedDespair Mon 18-Feb-13 12:15:07

I'm not sure what I'll tell my baby about their dad or if they really need the right to get to know him- He was a control freak who often threatened people he didn't want to be in this country (gays, transsexuals, foreigners etc). I made a massive mistake getting involved with him, the only good thing to come from it is you.

My baby will have no shortage of loving father figures (my friends and family) in their life so I don't think they will miss out by not knowing him or his family.

LadyHarrietdeSpook Mon 18-Feb-13 12:15:50

I appreciate that you're in a really difficult situation. I would be very tempted to do the same. From my vantage point as a WOMAN, I can visualise myself doing EXACTLY the same with an ex like that and telling you YANBU. BUT:

This may be easy to pull off with an infant or very young child. An older child will have questions and deserves the truth.

From my vantage point as an adopted child, it's just the worst when other people know more about you than you do. It's dreadfully unfair and it isn't right for people to hide information they know. You need to be prepared for the fact that there could be terrible consequences for your relationship with the child in later years if they feel deliberately deceived by you. They may understand your reasonings, they may not.

I have an adult friend who recently learned her father was not who she had been told it was. Devastated.

FoxyRoxy Mon 18-Feb-13 12:17:38

Your child will be more screwed up with an abusive father who will probably use them as a pawn to get to you than to not have a name on their birth cert.

Yanbu.

mmmuffins Mon 18-Feb-13 12:18:43

How are you going to guarantee he wont find out though? Are you going to leave the area?

BlessedDespair Mon 18-Feb-13 12:19:08

If your dad was my ex would you really want a relationship with him or would you just want to know who he was/why he wasn't in our lives?

BertieBotts Mon 18-Feb-13 12:19:21

I would not tell him. Not on your life. You can explain to your child when they're older, but no way would I give him even a chance at controlling them when you have the chance to give them a life free from his abuse.

Sugarice Mon 18-Feb-13 12:20:14

OP can tell the child [if she chooses to] about him when they're older if she thinks it's the correct decision.

In the mean time, are those who think she's being unreasonable in not informing him now, really suggesting she should risk potential further abuse from this man who may try to force her her back into a relationship and risk more abuse for her and her baby. Imagine how difficult he'll make her life in the mean time.

Don't tell him OP.

I think telling a child when they're older who their Dad is and telling your Ex about the child are two different things. At the moment your abusive Ex hasn't got his claws into a new victim partner so he will shine his controlling light on you and your baby. Remember abuse can escalate during pregnancy and after a child is born. In the future if your child wants a relationship with his/her father you will be able to get support from people with experience to allow this to happen.

YANBU having escaped from an abusive relationship. I too would move away to avoid having to lie about it.

Congratulations.

VenusRising Mon 18-Feb-13 12:21:12

To all the posters who are saying that it will screw up the kid not to know the father, please remember that the OP has said that she escaped an abusive relationship.

What part of that leaves you in any doubt she's better off taking herself and her child away from the abuser?

Do you think she deserves more abuse, or that her child does?

Just because you know someone who doesn't know their dad, does not mean that the OPs child would be unhappy- she certainly will be unhappy if she has to live as the child in an abusive family.

OP, I feel you are entitled to a happy life, and that there is a lot of support for you and your child out there.

No one needs to lose in this situation, and you certainly don't need to get back with an abusive man in order that your child has a dad she knows.

pixi2 Mon 18-Feb-13 12:21:16

YANBU

Go with your instincts. I see enough abuse threads on here, if you keep him out of your life it will be for the best.

Not all children are damaged by not knowing who their fathers are. My gorgeous 15 yr old nephew has been told (gently) from the age of 12 what a twat his father is. He has no interest in meeting him.

DontmindifIdo Mon 18-Feb-13 12:27:48

there is no rush or need to tell your exP if you are certain you won't need finanical assistance in the future from him.

I would, however, tell the DC the truth. They might want to find him, but that's something you'll have to deal with as their right to do, in the same way your parents might have looked at your exP and wanted to keep you away from him, but it had to be your choice.

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