To ban my daughter from seeing 2,of her friends

(63 Posts)

My 12 year old daughter has two friends. I'll call them Molly and Jane. I don't like Molly anyway and never have. I think she's rude and seems to run wild as her parents don't seem to know or care where she is. She has made my daughter cry on numerous occasions as she seems quite spiteful.

On Friday all three girls were involved in an incident that I found completely unacceptable. They trespassed on a neighbours driveway and were hanging around in their garden along with approximately 12 other children ranging in age from 12 up to 15. This was just after school on their way home. The neighbour came out and told them all to leave her garden as they were trespassing. The children then starting hurling abuse at the poor women, calling her names such as "fat bitch" and "racist" (not sure where that one came from).

I left work as soon as I could and took my daughter round to apologise for her part in all this. My own daughter was one of the quieter ones but she was rude to this lady. The lady was clearly still upset by this and said she would be reporting to school. She appreciated my daughters apology and I assured her my daughter would be punished at home and I would support the school if they also issued a punishment.

I am best friends with janes mum so I told her what had happened. For reasons I absolutely do not understand janes mum is angry at the neighbour fir being rude to her daughter and doesn't have a problem at all with her being rude to an adult and shouting and screaming on the street.

This is the 3rd time Molly has been cheeky to a neighbour. On one occasion she was trespassing and the second occasion she was bullying a much younger child. Each time when "told off" by the adult Molly has shouted abuse back at the adult.

I am disgusted that my own daughter seems to be heading down the same path as these other girls and have told her she is not allowed any contact with these other girls until they apologise to the neighbour. I am worried about my daughters attitude and the fact she got involved in a situation that she should have known was totally out of order.

My friend now seems to have fallen out with me as I've banned my daughter from associating with hers. What else can I do though? I don't want my daughter being known as "one of the 3 asbo girls". I cannot trust my daughter to make the correct decision when these other girls behave badly. My daughter does have other friends who behave well and I don't want her jeopardising these friendships by associating with "wrong UBS"

AgentZigzag Sun 17-Feb-13 12:01:15

Regardless of the norm of letting the DC work things out with their friends for themselves and not getting involved, I would be thinking along the same lines as you if my 12 YO DD was getting up to similar stuff.

What you've described is the stuff of nightmare neighbours TV programs, making people scared to go out their own door and dread having to walk past groups of youngsters.

You give a shit about your DD, why wouldn't you try to steer her away from behaving like a lout.

I'm not sure how you'd go about enforcing her not seeing them though, if you keep her in, how long do you do that for? Won't she just meet up with them at school etc?

IloveJudgeJudy Sun 17-Feb-13 12:07:36

I can see what you mean, but don't really see how you can enforce this.

What I would do is talk, talk, talk to your DD. I don't mean just about this incident, but in a few days (it's half-term here, so a good start to non-association!) talk to her about the incident and what the repercussions might be. Try not to be aggressive.

Also, maybe instead of her not associating with those friends, try to help her to make the right choices when the friends start doing the wrong thing. She could have walked away from the above incident (may have been difficult, but she could have). Talk through possible scenarios and give her the tools to do the right thing.

Tasmania Sun 17-Feb-13 12:11:24

To be honest - I would even go as far as think of switching schools... if this is the normal behaviour at her current school!

But if that isn't an option, banning her from being friends with those two girls is the least you can do. You can "punish" her more by giving her some sort of "community sentence". Take her somewhere where she can see where such asbo girls finally end up. What does she want to do later in life? Does she want to go to uni? Take her to Oxbridge for a mother/daughter daytrip, and show her what it takes to get there. Push her aspiration levels right to the top.

Basically, what I am saying is - you have to appeal to the selfish nature of humans. Most people who "do well" despite the environment they were brought up in do so because they were pretty determined to get to where they wanted to be. Of course, if you don't know where you want to be in xx years time, that will become more difficult, and hence, you want to show her all the "good" possibilities versus the "bad". You can end up living this life or that one. Your choice, child.


I applaud you for what you did.

I know - the neighbour was scared. She was visibly upset when I went round which was 2 hours later. I would have called the police if I'd been her - I think they've all got off very lightly.

I suppose I can't really police it once she's a school but I can stop her walking to and from school with them. I've threatened to collect her frm the school office if I can't trust her not to walk home with them. That went down well. It's half term here at the moment and she's grounded now.

fluckered Sun 17-Feb-13 12:14:42

is this the first time it has happened with your dd involved? i would be on your side and would want to stop her associating with them. however you can't police that. school, texts they are still going to be in touch. talk talk and talk some more to her. tell her how you feel ask her her side of things what she was thinking, did she actually want to go and not be involved. encourage her to think for herself and not be a follower and perhaps give her ONE more chance to prove herself. if she fails she then has no contact. thats it. but she is at an age where it could go either way. talk to her like an adult (even though she isnt) and have a TWO way conversation about it. good luck.

mrsjay Sun 17-Feb-13 12:14:46

keep her away from them out of school IMO you cant really enforce it when she is at school they are her friends they all sound rude and louty I do think your dd got involved with it the same as the others I really dont think she was being led ( i might be wrong), I agree with the above post about getting her to make choices about her behaviour she can walk away she doesn't need to shout abuse at people when THEY were in her garden etc,

IDontDoIroning Sun 17-Feb-13 12:15:06

Your best friend didn't think there was anything wrong with her dd entering another persons property and being rude and abusive when asked to leave shock
You did the right thing she didn't

Tasmania Sun 17-Feb-13 12:15:06

Northcountygirl Since it's half-term now - there's a lot of time for you to do all the "activities" I mention above. Do them now, before school starts. Best time to turn your DD around, I think.

fluckered Sun 17-Feb-13 12:16:05

oh and you did right marching her over there for an apology.

mrsjay Sun 17-Feb-13 12:17:23

oh and janes mum sounds one of those my child is so precious and perfect and how dare adults tell her off,

Yes I've already said that what she did was a crime and that she's lucky she doesn't have a criminal record. She wants to be a nurse when she's older and I told her she wouldn't be able to do this with a criminal record. I threatened her with calling in at the police station so they could explain t her just how serious this is. Maybe I should still take. She does seem ashamed though and guilty. The fact that the lady was so nice about it made her feel worse which is good.

My daughter is generally a good girl but she's a bloody sheep. She clearly doesn't have the strength of character to stand up for what's right which is a huge disappointment.

The school is actually a really good school. I think they'll come down pretty hard on them over this. I don't know all the children involved but I do know 2 of the boys and I'm pretty sure that their parents will feel the same as I do. Although I thought that of my friend too...

ajandjjmum Sun 17-Feb-13 12:23:32

To be honest OP, you perhaps need to re-evaluate your own friendship in view of that response.

Hope you gets lots of time to talk to your DD, and that she spends some time with other friends over half term.


ajandjjmum Sun 17-Feb-13 12:25:07

Another thought - do you think you should approach the school and tell them what happened and the action you have taken, so that they will work with you if possible?

mrsjay Sun 17-Feb-13 12:25:49

its the respect thing id be worried about the police wouldnt arrest a bunch of kids for walking in somebodies garden the threw abuse at the woman I would be livid at the cheek of them, you did the right thing

Astelia Sun 17-Feb-13 12:26:10

YANBU as the girls sound vile. I am horrified at the behaviour, speech and attitude of the girls. It is the sort of thing you read about in the newspaper.

If you talk to school and ask for DD not to sit near either of these girls in lessons they should be able to do this, which would be one small step.

If DD won't leave this friendship group I would be trying to change schools ASAP.

mrsjay Sun 17-Feb-13 12:26:27

and fwiw kids do go through a bit of a gobby stage your dd isn't unusual

mrsjay Sun 17-Feb-13 12:27:51

I think asking the school to keep them apart in school is a terrible idea they could all turn on her,

Flickered no this isn't the first time my daughter has been involved. It's the first time she's joined in though. The other occasions my daughter tried to pull Molly away.

I'm not sure about her spending time with other friends this half term as she is supposed to be grounded. I'm still very angry with her so maybe when I've calmed down and if she's contrite enough I may change my mind. Going forward though I'll certainly do that. I know all her friends parents so I can arrange sleepovers etc with the friends I do approve of.

I should have added I have already emailed the school. I know the neighbour isn't reporting my daughter as she apologised so I've reported her instead.

The other girls aren't in any classes with my daughter so that's good.

Jane's mum sounds an arsehole! What posssible excuse can she have for them hanging around this woman's garden? Has you daughter explained further why they were there?

You are definitely doing the right thing. You may be able to resolve this with your friend in the future if you can make her see she is being unreasonable. How would she feel if 15 kids turned up in her garden and told her to fuck off? The other kid sounds thoroughly nasty and i wouldn't want my child hanging round with her at all.

fluckered Sun 17-Feb-13 12:34:15

oh well then would follow through with all your threats and grounding and yes i would march her down to polica station and perhaps someone there might explain things more and scare her a little. i would frop a friend like a hot potato if my child's well being was compromised. you are nbu in this regard and wouls seriously re-evaluate that friendship. perhaps your dd can see this then and see you dont surround yourself with people like this.

fluckered Sun 17-Feb-13 12:35:17

please excuse typos ds bugging the crap outa me putting a feckin ben 10 alien back together.

mrsjay Sun 17-Feb-13 12:38:59

The other girls aren't in any classes with my daughter so that's good.

that is a positive if they are not in her classes keep her grounded this week well until you cant stand it any longer do something with her and dont allow these friends round,

mummymeister Sun 17-Feb-13 12:39:01

Best way to wean her away from the other 2 girls is to start encouraging her to have other girls over to visit over half term. similar situation when DD2 was 8 - could see the way her best friend was going and gradually moved her out of the picture by asking 2 other girls regularly for tea, games etc and not asbogirl. ask DD now 12 and she says how pleased she was that i did it. 12 is a pants age for girls year 8 is when they are the most difficult so try and ride through it with her. you are being the good responsible mum.

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