To think it's unreasonable for my aunt & uncle to be annoyed

(64 Posts)
Jinsei Sat 16-Feb-13 14:49:50

about me and DH not attending my cousin's wedding?

Cousin is getting married in another European country later this year. We were unable to attend his brother's wedding a few years back due to other commitments here in the UK, but had fully intended to go to this one. However, have now been told that it is a child-free wedding so dd isn't invited.

I could arrange for her to stay with a friend for a couple of days, but I really don't want to spend lots of money on an overseas trip without dd, I'd rather put it towards a family holiday instead. If I'm honest, I don't particularly like the whole child-free wedding thing anyway, but it's their day and I respect their choices. At the same time, I expect them to respect mine.

I don't suppose my cousin is that bothered either way, but my aunt and uncle are apparently "hurt" that we aren't going to make the effort. I'm not BU am I?

fedupofnamechanging Sat 16-Feb-13 16:04:53

YANBU

While I respect someone's choice to have an adult only wedding, I would expect my choice not to leave my child behind, to also be respected.

I would also not be happy to give up precious holiday time with my dc and like you, would rather have a family holiday.

Floralnomad Sat 16-Feb-13 16:04:55

Perhaps your parents should suggest that they don't go so they can have their GD so that you can go and see how your aunt and uncle like that idea. At least that way it might get them to put it into perspective a bit better .

Jinsei Sat 16-Feb-13 16:07:39

No, I realise that they may have good reasons for wanting and/or needing to exclude children, and I am genuinely not taking offence at that. It wouldn't be my choice, but it isn't my wedding either.

And I get what you're saying about the fact that we are effectively telling them that we no longer want to go. I guess I'm just surprised that they might think we would want to go, given that we can't take dd with us. If I were planning an event to which children weren't invited, I would assume that quite a few parents might opt out.

Jinsei Sat 16-Feb-13 16:09:47

Perhaps your parents should suggest that they don't go so they can have their GD so that you can go and see how your aunt and uncle like that idea. At least that way it might get them to put it into perspective a bit better

haha, yes that might put it into perspective a bit! But my mum wouldn't miss it for the world, and I'm sure they know that! smile

Floralnomad Sat 16-Feb-13 16:13:50

Even more reason to do it then , and at least it would show your aunt and uncle that you are not the odd ones because your parents agree with you .

LemonBreeland Sat 16-Feb-13 16:14:12

I don't get why it means so much to your Aunt and Uncle that you are there. It is really strange to be so upset at people not being at a wedding.

IneedAsockamnesty Sat 16-Feb-13 16:15:39

I have no issue at all with child free weddings nor do I have any issue with child friendly ones.

I've planned a few weddings for friends and have noticed that often including children can add a huge cost for whoever is paying for each couple you wish to invite as can it add additional costs to the couple attending.

When you arrange a wedding you have to understand that what ever choice you will make may lead to guests not wanting or being able to attend. Sometimes its distance sometimes its venue sometimes it could be the theme and it could just as easily be having children there as it could be not having them there that could do it.

Unless the invited guest says " I am not able to attend your wedding as I do not condone you getting hitched" then you have no right to be upset.

YANBU

Jinsei Sat 16-Feb-13 16:16:27

I don't know lemon, we're quite a close family though. They were quite understanding when I couldn't go to their other son's wedding, so I thought they'd be ok about this one too. Obviously not.

Jinsei Sat 16-Feb-13 16:22:19

Unless the invited guest says " I am not able to attend your wedding as I do not condone you getting hitched" then you have no right to be upset.

grin Well, I certainly haven't said that!

IneedAsockamnesty Sat 16-Feb-13 16:30:12

Well then, they are being silly trying to guilt you.

Inertia Sat 16-Feb-13 16:49:54

Yanbu.

When you indicated that you hoped to attend this wedding , it was on the basis that your whole family were invited, especially as it's a close family wedding.

I'd be inclined to tell aunt and uncle that you are very disappointed that DD isn't invited to a close family wedding, and you know she will be very hurt and upset to be left out of this family occasion. You respect your cousins desire to have a child free wedding, but the family need to respect your wish to make your own child your first priority . If this wedding would use family holiday budget and time, it would be unfair for your daughter to go without a holiday this year to save face for aunt and uncle.

whiteflame Sat 16-Feb-13 17:03:14

YANBU. Don't be guilted into spending your precious holiday time doing this that you don't want to do (i.e. spending it without DD). Life's too short and stressful.

creativevoid Sat 16-Feb-13 17:42:16

Is it possible to speak directly to your cousin and explain you don't feel comfortable leaving DD for a few days while you are in another country? They might make an exception for your DD.

I know a lot of people will say it's not polite to ask to bring an uninvited guest. We had a no children wedding- not because we don't like children but we just didn't have space and the expense would have been huge to invite a lot of children (many of whom we didn't really know.). We did make some exceptions, for example for a cousin whose son has downs. This wasn't a problem at all and I would think family visiting from abroad might fall into the same category (at least for reasonable people).

At the very least it would show willing and make your aunt and uncle feel better.

Itsaboatjack Sat 16-Feb-13 18:19:08

YANBU, but if its just a weekend is there a possibility of leaving your dd with your dh and going on your own? Only if you wanted to though. I wouldn't be guilt tripped into going to a family event that I didn't want to go to.

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