To think DP is being an arse? (Long and boring -sorry)

(33 Posts)
Arcadia Sat 16-Feb-13 12:23:37

So I had a rare night out last night with friends, planned for ages, and texted DP at 10.30pm to ask him to make up sofa bed downstairs so I wouldn't disturb him when I came in. He sent a nice text back and did and that was fine. I got in around 1 then when DP got up for DD (3) at 7.30am I went to bed upstairs. This is what we do when one has a night out and the other takes DD out so they get a quiet morning (and I'll do Sunday morning this week).

Anyway I got up at 10.30. some friends had dropped round briefly to collect something but i didn't know that til i got up so i chatted to them. They left. then DD got whingey and DP couldn't get her to go out with him and she got stroppy and wet herself (she is in early days of potty training but so far only accidents are when she gets upset). I then had to change her etc. and said to DP he should just have taken her out. He said I shoud have stayed in bed and was 'nosy' to come downstairs! He quickly got angry with me and was muttering and slamming around and then they left without him saying goodbye.

Is he punishing me for having gone out? He has similar nights out with lads then hungover morning when I take her out so he has a quiet time. He also mentioned that he heard me coming in as he was listening out for me. Is he my dad?! I feel like a naughty teenager. He will now probably be in a mood at least for the rest of today. He seems to have no initiative with taking her out and timing things so that she just goes along with it, and makes it feel like he is doing me a favour. I had her all day yesterday and ran her ragged with swimming and soft play so she would be nice and tired at bedtime for him and yet he cannot even take her out for a Saturday morning? I work part time and him full, we share weekends but he does mornings in the week too. I tend to do more at the weekends because he gets grumpy.

I genuinely want to know whether I should be apologising to him, or him to me.

Tee2072 Sat 16-Feb-13 12:24:43

He sounds like a toddler himself. Suggest he use his words and tell you what's actually wrong instead of stropping and storming out.

Arcadia Sat 16-Feb-13 12:29:29

Thanks Tee But he can't seem to do that calmly and he goes from seemingly fine to temper lost in about 5 seconds. There is no point trying to talk to him at that point so I don't push it and I save it til later. Was I really supposed to have sat in my room desperate for a cup of tea, until they had gone out?!

Tee2072 Sat 16-Feb-13 12:30:14

Of course not, it's your house too. He's being a tosser.

Tell him that. Say 'why were you such a tosser this morning?'

McBalls Sat 16-Feb-13 12:31:32

You've nothing to apologise for.

Clearly he does think he's doing you a favour and resenting doing 'your' job for you. (If that's not the case and he feels he has genuine reason to be off with you then he needs to be a grown up and speak to you).

Really this isn't about your night out as such, but his overall feeling about who is ultimately responsible for your child. And it's not him.

Arcadia Sat 16-Feb-13 12:34:20

Most saturdays i ask that. And he will say He was tired, the place He planned to go wasn't open, etc. it is always on a Saturday and it spoils my weekend. He is tired from work on a Saturday (aren't we all, whether that is work looking after kids or a job) and then on Sunday complains he is more tired than on a Friday evening.

Sugarice Sat 16-Feb-13 12:34:21

Ask him 'any particular reason you've got one on you this morning'.

Don't apologise, you've done nothing wrong but he needs to grow up.

TheElephantIsADaintyBird Sat 16-Feb-13 12:37:04

Well, he needs to tell you what his problem is or it'll never get sorted. Is he like this every time?
I do get a bit moody when dp goes out but he has learnt the best thing to do is give me some reassurance and ignore my mood. Sometimes he will give me a gentle reminder to not be a moody bitch, would that work for him?

Don't stop going out to please him though, that is probably the worst thing you could do!

Arcadia Sat 16-Feb-13 12:39:35

I have two more nights out (without him) next week and weekend, thought one is a work thing. I definitely won't stop going out. If anything I will go out more if he is going to be a grumpy bastard!

Arcadia Sat 16-Feb-13 12:40:41

Why do you get moody when he goes out theelephant? Genuinely interested to know.

MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot Sat 16-Feb-13 12:49:13

It just sounds like 'one of those things' to me. He was probably annoyed that DD didn't want to go out (presumably having seen you?) and that he'd been 'doing his best' but that you'd got up anyway and 'spoilt' it (your lie in). A real something and nothing if you ask me smile Just enjoy the peace while they're out and do something nice as a family for the rest of the day.

TheElephantIsADaintyBird Sat 16-Feb-13 12:54:46

I think I just get a bit insecure and anxious. I don't go in to terrible moods or anything, I'm just not as chirpy as I could be and can be a bit difficult blush we talk about it though and I'm getting better at controlling my moods. Conversation is definitely the key, you should be able to ask him why he's acting like this without him shouting at you.

Arcadia Sat 16-Feb-13 12:57:19

Thanks myhead I don't bear a grudge so I will be pleasant when they come back. I am now off to sainsburys to do the family shop and probably buy some clothes and underwear and books for myself too will do something nice this afternoon. But when we are next together as a couple ( having a weekend away together soon - I know we're lucky!) will raise the moodiness like it comes from nowhere like he has these festering annoyed feelings towards me. For a long time I thought it was depression. He hasn't coped well with having a child (he did warn me he would find it hard and i had to persuade him) and it has got better but don't know how long to give it...

It does sound like I am making a lot of it but we had a worse falling out over similar grumpiness last weekend which I posted about on here. Each one is not much on its own but happening at least one every two weekends is wearing.

Arcadia Sat 16-Feb-13 13:02:03

theelephant do you mean insecure that he may meet/flirt with someone else? me and DP have no jealousy that I am aware of ... And he does encourage me to go out. Thinking about it I think he more felt criticised by me as to how he handled DD this morning as she is always more difficult at transitional points when we are both there but not all going out together.

MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot Sat 16-Feb-13 13:12:51

A little bit of advice learnt the HARD way, with much regret ... if you want to talk to him about it, just do it one night when DD is in bed. Do not spoil you weekend away by 'talking'.

I guess, he was honest with you before you had your DD, so you have to respect that & try to understand it, however, you now have your DD and in turn he needs to do his best to parent her and not be a stroppy git. You'll probably find he gets better year on year as she gets older too.

Did you talk about why he would find it hard? An long ago ex of mine (mostly for this reason) decided he didn't want children (we'd got together very young and both said we did want them in the future, but as he matured he realised he didn't and was honest with me & still doesn't have any kids and wont) he said that he'd come to realise he was too 'selfish' to have kids. He likes to read a lot (all day), be involved with theatre (very very time consuming), work long hours, sleep in and go out at the drop of a hat. He's good with kids - but realised his lifestyle wasn't suited to having kids, wouldn't do it if he couldn't put them first - but wasn't prepared to do that. It was hard at the time and I tried to change his mind, but to his credit he didn't let me and I now have nothing but respect for him doing that as he was so upset as he knew it would end our relationship and he desperately didn't want that sad

Yes - if it's happening a lot, that's different and does need talking about - sooner rather than later, sometimes you end up with too much resentment to get past it sad

Arcadia Sat 16-Feb-13 13:19:05

Thanks myhead good point, we should save our weekend away for chilling drinking eating and reading not raising 'issues'. He would not really discuss the reason for not really wanting children but never actually said he didn't want one, just kept saying he was scared and that we would find it very difficult with the nights and illnesses and he does like peace and quiet. Also there is an issue in is family which concerned him about having children, but turned out unfounded. But he did come round to it eventually and we have compromised on sticking at one (which I am coming to terms with and actually relieved at in many ways, but still find hard in other ways).

So he didn't say NO but he didn't say YES although he had control of contraception and we consciously agreed to try, so did say yes in a way, and I am not pressuring him to have more for obvious reasons.

Sometimes though when DD has been difficult or broken nights he has said 'this is what you wanted!' As a half joke but never in front of DD.

Arcadia Sat 16-Feb-13 13:21:40

Sorry his family

Arcadia Sat 16-Feb-13 13:25:22

Thanks for the help and messages. We have just made up by text! But it has helped me to think it all through.

MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot Sat 16-Feb-13 13:29:35

He did say 'yes' - so don't ever let him say you didn't, not even in a half jest.
That's not on.

If you are finding it hard to come to terms with only having one child, then maybe don't make it a final decision, by the time she's 4 he might be prepared to go through it again when he realises that the 'baby/toddler' stage is short lived. If you've got one, you might as well have 2/3/4 - your life is already disrupted!

MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot Sat 16-Feb-13 13:30:59

It's good you have 'made it up' and for today that's enough - but long term it's not (as you know), you still need to talk, properly. I'd do it on a weeknight though, no point in spoiling tomorrow by doing it tonight grin

Arcadia Sat 16-Feb-13 13:32:12

I know myhead but age is not on my side! Will be forty next year. But never say never. Three is turning out to be a magical age, and as you say, it is short (but didn't seem it for the first few months!)

Arcadia Sat 16-Feb-13 13:32:51

OK myhead you sound very wise, thanks for the advice.

OHforDUCKScake Sat 16-Feb-13 13:33:23

I dont think hes been that bad. He hasnt done much wrong.

I mean, if your DD woke you up then fair enough.

Except she didnt, and you didnt get up til 10.30

I cant see your problem actually.

MrsKeithRichards Sat 16-Feb-13 13:38:17

I go out a lot more than dh, sleeping in until half ten would be perfectly sufficient then I drag myself into the day and spend our weekends together. This 'your turn my turn' bamboozles me. A lie in fine but whole days? Weekend's are for family time, not one taking the children out the road so the other can be hungover in peace!

MegBusset Sat 16-Feb-13 13:39:25

I can't really see what he did wrong either. You got your night out, you got your lie-in, you chose to come downstairs. Why should he have to take DD out of the house, if he/she didn't fancy it? Is it really w

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