To not want ds staying at Dp parents

(34 Posts)
ThedementedPenguin Fri 15-Feb-13 11:40:48

My partner is taking me away next Tues-Wed. Originally 5 month ds was meant to come but now we have decided to go just us.

Dp wants ds to stay at his parents house. I disagree as I don't feel comfortable with the idea. PIL where great when I was expecting but changed quite a bit when ds was born.

A few examples when ds was 4 days old my Dp and his family all made me feel like I couldn't cope so should therefore leave my ds with his mum for a few hours while I 'slept', I cried the whole time then went down and took my ds.

Over the next week or so anytime my ds cried she grabbed him out of my arms saying I'll do this I know better.

More recently, whenever I go to take my ds from her she walks away or says I'm fine here just leave him. She also disagrees with every decision I do with regards to ds because she has 4 kids she knows better.
She is constantly buying us things we don't use, the wrong milk, clothes too small.

I am slowly getting the confidence to stand up for what I want but it is taking time.

I would prefer my ds stayed with my mum, she is happy to use a holiday from work to look after him. She knows how I want ds raised and follows everything I say exactly. For example I don't want to wean ds until 6 months, she has suggested early weaning but once I explained my plan she agrees. My dm would never force what she thinks. Maybe it's because I can talk more openly with my mum.

Okay back to the dilemma, I have explained to Dp that I would rather bring ds with us than leave him at his parents. He has come back with 'I understand what you mean, but I am asking you to'.

Am I unreasonable to reply saying what about my feelings? I truly don't think I'll enjoy myself as ill worry too much about ds. I would prefer ds to stay at my mums house.

Should I put my foot down? WWYD? AIBU?

'Sorry but my mum has offered to have him and I've accepted."

But make sure she has agreed beforehand!

FelicityWasCold Fri 15-Feb-13 11:48:04

I would put my foot down. But it would be about taking DS with you rather than leaving with your DM. I totally understand your feelings here, but I think it's easier to say 'cant leave him' than 'your parents aren't good enough'

Next time he says 'I'm asking you' say, 'yes, and I'm asking you'

your reply to DH is "I don't care. Your mother feels that she knows how to parent my son better than me, and I won't have him put in that situation. DS will be coming with us".

Your DH has admitted that he understands why you have these reservations, but weems to prefer his holiday away to his son being in a decent environment.

ThedementedPenguin Fri 15-Feb-13 11:51:29

I must add, this isn't the first time he's stayed elsewhere. He has stayed at my mums twice and his mums once.

MsVestibule Fri 15-Feb-13 12:21:44

I absolutely would not have allowed either of my babies to stay with anybody if I wasn't 100% comfortable with the idea. Presumably your DH is OK with your mum looking after your DS? If so, the choices are either DS goes with you or he stays with your mum.

And good for you for standing up to your MIL. My mum is one of the least tactful people ever, but she has nearly always stood back and allowed me to do things my way, even when no doubt she thought I was wrong. Unlike my dad who had lots to say on the unnecessary sterilisation of bottles and 'late' (by 1970s standards) weaning!

JingleMum Fri 15-Feb-13 12:41:22

It's a difficult one... If DS stays with your mum and it was pre arranged for him to stay with MIL then tensions will arise. Was it pre arranged for MIL to have him?

She is out of order to take him off you, say she knows better etc... She should be supporting you, if she did then i'm sure you'd have no problem leaving DS with her.

I think in most cases, any new mum would prefer to leave her child with her own mum at first. Once you're in the swing if things and the child is older you are happier to also leave child with MIL

ThedementedPenguin Fri 15-Feb-13 12:53:38

No it is not prearranged. We only discussed it yesterday and I said I would think about it. I couldn't sleep last night thinking about it.

I wish she acted better then I probably wouldn't have a problem. I grit my teeth when we visit or she is here as I want my ds to have a relationship with them.

As far as I'm aware my Dp is happy to leave him with my mum. He hasn't said anything otherwise.

Will talk to him again and shall see what he says

CloudsAndTrees Fri 15-Feb-13 13:04:21

Your DP shouldn't be putting you in the position where you either have to choose between going against him, or leaving your baby with someone you are comfortable with.

He is an arse for doing that IMO. He is taking his own mothers feelings into consideration, which is fine, but he should be putting your feelings above hers, and not putting you in a difficult position.

forgottenpassword Fri 15-Feb-13 13:40:16

I entirely sympathise. Some Mil like to play at being the Mum with young babies and are delighted to get the Dil out of the way so they can do so. Dil picks up on this and understandably is unhappy about it especially as a first time mum whose parenting is being questioned. The right way for the Mil to be is to tell Dil that they are there and available if wanted but not to push or insist on things so that Dil feels pressurised. I would not want to leave my Dc with mil in these circumstances either as i would spend the whole time being unhappy that someone else had my baby and was happy to have me out of the way. If you are the main carer for the child it should be your final decision. Mil has no right to take the baby and she needs to earn your trust in order to do so. Perhaps explain to your Dh that if he forces the issue there will be no point in the trip as you will be too unhappy to enjoy it.

DeWe Fri 15-Feb-13 14:05:28

Your dm is visiting an old friend she doesn't often see and would love to see ds? (agree that with her first)

Catchingmockingbirds Fri 15-Feb-13 14:08:48

I remember you talking about your pil's a while back on another thread and I remember their behaviour towards both you and your son so no, Yanbu to put your foot down with this.

Tryharder Fri 15-Feb-13 14:21:51

I wouldn't actually want to say if YWBU or not unless I had the opportunity to hear your MIL's side of the story. You sound a little bit...precious, perhaps and I think this thread is going to turn into another MIL-bash.

You allege that they tried to make you sleep when your DC was 4 days old and so took the baby off you and you think that this is because they think you couldnt cope. Maybe they were genuinely concerned that you were knackered and wanted to give you a chance to sleep and rest which, 4 days after giving birth, is not a bad thing, surely.

Perhaps your MIL comes across as a bit pushy because she just wants the opportunity to get to know her DGC whilst you are dead set against her having anything to do with your DC other than the briefest of contacts.

And yes, if your MIL has raised 4 children successfully and was a "good mother" then why should her opinions and thoughts be discounted. When you've had that many DCs, by default, you generally know something about babies.

I am not saying that are right or wrong and perhaps Im being unfair on you but I really dislike all this MIL bashing that goes on here.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Fri 15-Feb-13 14:26:59

If you are unhappy about leaving him then take him with you, surely?

Where is the pressure to leave him behind coming from?

I think the 4-day old thing sounds like she was trying to help, and went about it too bluntly but from a place of trying to help.

" if your MIL has raised 4 children successfully and was a "good mother" then why should her opinions and thoughts be discounted."
Well, my mother successfully raised two children, but her opinions and thoughts were a generation out of date when my DS was born. However she acknowledged this, and she NEVER, as OP has said her MIL does, "disagrees with every decision I do with regards to ds because she has 4 kids she knows better." She instead asked why I did this or that, and some she agreed with, some she didn't. On all of them though, she deferred to my decision as I was the parent and she wasn't.

" I have explained to Dp that I would rather bring ds with us than leave him at his parents. He has come back with 'I understand what you mean, but I am asking you to'."
Not a good enough answer on his part, he needs to tell you WHY he is asking you. And the why might not be a good enough reason either.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Fri 15-Feb-13 14:42:47

Why is your husband so desperate to leave your son behind - especially when he knows you are anxious about leaving him. Does he support you properly or is everything left to you?

Those other times you have left him with your Mum or your MIL - were those overnight too? If so then that seems a lot for such a young baby, are you happy about that?

I am wondering whether it is actually your DH/P who needs to step up here, but it is easier for you to paint your MIL as the villain of the piece.

You picked your Dp and chose to have a child with him presumably because he is a decent man. It would therefor stands to reason that his mother isn't a complete numpty and knows what to do with children.
It's only for a short time why wouldn't you leave him there?, your son wont burst into flames if he doesn't get his nap when you say so. If your DP is happy enough to leave his DS there why wouldn't you be, it's his child too

pigsDOfly Fri 15-Feb-13 14:51:31

Whether it's MIL or DM, and no matter how many children she's successfully raised, no one has the right to undermine a possibly, nervous first time mother. She's probably only too aware that she doesn't know a great deal about looking after her precious new baby, especially when she's under the scrutiny of these more experienced women. Yes the sleep issue when the baby was four day old was probably meant well, but MIL should have enough tact and common sense to realise that she need to step back and let the new mother do things her own way.

cestlavielife Fri 15-Feb-13 14:53:13

"He has stayed at my mums twice and his mums once. "

so, what happened when he stayed at his mum's?
did he come back ok?

if yes - then you set a precedent and it was fine right?

or were you upset at being away fom him?

up to you really - but it is only one night right? and you have done it before.

where are you going and why is it important to be baby-free? (no harm in having a night off but not if it makes you uncomfortable - you can always wait til baby is older; but you may have to get used to the idea that IL's will do things differently.... )

maddening Fri 15-Feb-13 14:56:06

Reply - you may be asking me but I am telling you.

pigsDOfly Fri 15-Feb-13 14:57:47

Sorry posted too early. If you leave the baby with your DM is it going to create tension. Perhaps you'd be happier to take him with you. After all if you have strong ideas as to how things should be done, having him with you will ensure you get things done to your liking.

diddl Fri 15-Feb-13 15:14:14

She does sound awful in the way that she is trying to exert control.

And telling you that she knows best.

That doesn´t mean though that he wouldn´t be well looked after with MIL.

If it all went OK before, I don´t see why he shouldn´t stay there again, especially since your mum would need to take time off work.

ThedementedPenguin Fri 15-Feb-13 15:29:00

Okay so I have talked with my Dp about everything and he is going to talk to her about the whole putting me down and making me feel like a bad mum.

I understand she was trying to help but surely as she had 4 dcs she should know how it is to be a new mum. I do appreciate that she might be trying to help me out but surely there's a bette way than her trying to put me down all the time.

I am not dead set against her spending time with my ds. She sees him more than my dm. He comes here 2-3 times a week and we go there. I will admit I hate going but I do not stop her from having time with my son as I feel it is important for him to have lots of people around especially his family.

To be perfectly honest it's more the way she speaks about me that annoys me which then makes me want to stay away. No one ever wants to hear or have to sit in a room whilst being made to feel useless. I just am thankful we are getting this sorted when ds is very young rather than it completely ruining mine and hers relationship.

EyesCrossedLegsAkimbo Fri 15-Feb-13 15:43:09

Who changed their mind about taking your DS, you, him or her?

Has she been in his ear about it?

Andro Fri 15-Feb-13 15:55:54

SparklyVampire - not necessarily! Some people turn into well adjusted adults in spite of how they were treated by one (or both) parents.

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