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Every friendship I have is based upon me making the effort, AIBU to get upset by this?

(128 Posts)
obtuseone Thu 14-Feb-13 08:33:23

Every friendship that I have is conditional upon me making the bulk of the effort, ie making arrangements, and making contact. Even commenting on Facebook photos and statuses. There have been a few occasions where I've stopped initiating contact in each of those ways and in every single time I've just never heard from the friend again.

It's happening again now with a schoolfriend, whom I've known for around 20 years. She seems to make an effort for lots of other people but not for me. It's always me making contact and suggesting meeting up. I've done her a variety of favours and helped her out a lot but she barely says thanks yet if anyone else does her a favour or she spends time with them she tags them on Facebook and thanks them profusely (yes I know Facebook isn't the be all and end all but she uses it a lot). She takes me for granted. So I've decided to back off a little and see if she makes any effort. Not heard a bean for 3 weeks now, so looks like that friendship will go down the pan too.

AIBU to be highly fed up with it all?

shewhowines Mon 18-Feb-13 14:39:44

Spent too long thinking about this in the shower.

Not everybody is as confident as they appear. If you have always done the running then you suddenly stop making the effort, then many people would take that as you not being interested anymore. (eg the poster whose friend rang back immediately after she misdialed her but didn't/couldn't get in touch of her own accord. ) It may be wise to have a jokey conversation such as "it's always me calling you - you need to call me next time". Then at least if they don't call then you know where you stand completely. Don't make all the running in any future new friendships and don't be too keen to offer your help. That will naturally evolve as you get to know each other. It would put me off as other posters have said. Don't appear needy.

Also its always the "nice guys' who get shat on in romantic relationships. You need to do a very watered down version of "treat them mean to keep them keen". People unconciously sp? need to feel they have to work to get something worthwhile. They won't value you as much as they would, if they had to actually invest something into the relationship. Again if they're not prepared to invest in your friendship then you know where you stand quickly.

One of my best friends was only an acquaintance for many years. She is not naturally bubbly which attracts people and makes people feel at ease with them. It took a long time to actually get to know her well, but how many people are missing out on a great friend because of it. Again not a reflection on her, but probably a source of frustration for her as far as friendships go.

shewhowines Mon 18-Feb-13 14:45:07

And if i knew there was an expectation that I had to be in contact frequently then that would scare me off too. I don't want to feel pressure or feel guilty when being someones friend. It needs to be easy.

Ilovexmastime Mon 18-Feb-13 15:05:29

shewhowines is talking a lot of sense!

This thread has really got me thinking about friendship, thanks OP!

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