to think you just don't use your ex's birthday as your PIN?

(39 Posts)
BrittaPerry Thu 14-Feb-13 00:09:19

Me and H recently separated over many issues, this is a minor one.

He had his ex wifes date of birth as his PIN. So every time I borrowed his bank card for whatever reason (we have joint accounts) I had to type in her date of birth. He had it on his cards when they were together, then when he split up with her, then got with me, he still had it, then he set it up on our new joint accounts.

We were together six years, and he has only just changed it, as part of his campaign to get me back. He clearly thinks I am being silly to be offended by it.

So, AIBU to be offended and annoyed, especially as I repeatedly asked him to change it and he refused?

BrittaPerry Thu 14-Feb-13 00:37:49

This is helping me, btw. I keep getting really sad and thinking the good times (and there were some amazing times, really) were worth the undercurrent of arse and occasional eruptions of utter twat.

BrittaPerry Thu 14-Feb-13 00:39:25

We have been separated officially for just over a week.

I still love him :-( but I can see that, if I saw my DD being treated like this when she was older I would be livid, so I need to stop showing her that it is acceptable.

alphabetspaghetti Thu 14-Feb-13 00:51:46

I agree. If your dd is seeing this type of behaviour from him then she will accept it for herself. Do you have a counselor?

squeakytoy Thu 14-Feb-13 00:59:51

Even the most destructive and abusive relationships can have "amazing times", although when you think back and really look at it, they were only amazing because the rest of it was so fucking shite... (voice of experience here).

alphabetspaghetti Thu 14-Feb-13 01:02:14

Totally agree squeaky.

BrittaPerry Thu 14-Feb-13 01:03:39

He appears to have told his mum that I just upped and left with no warning as well. We've been on "one last chance" for a couple of years, and in the summer I said I was giving it till Christmas. At Christmas I told him I was really really unhappy, and then on 4th Feb I actually left him. Obviously, in that time we had good times, but the good memories all come with "yeah, but then x happened" attached.

So tempted to reply to his mothers email about her being in shock. She is so nice, but I suppose he is her little boy and she is allowed to take whatever he says at face value.

He does really seem to be making changes now though. I'm not believing him till he has kept it up for a few months, I've seen too many big grand apologies that turn back into twattishness.

MmeLindor Thu 14-Feb-13 01:07:41

He is an arse. A emotionally abusive arse. Good for you for showing him the door.

BrittaPerry Thu 14-Feb-13 01:10:27

It's just keeping up the anger really. I really do love him, I don't want to be apart from him. If only he would stop acting like such a twat, we could all be happy :-(

MmeLindor Thu 14-Feb-13 01:13:27

Does any of this sound familiar? If you recognise your relationship in this, please think very carefully about your future with this man.

Initial Infatuation Period

He is extremely attentive, phones, emails or texts constantly

He gets serious fast. Talks about the love of his life, or moving in together.

He is jealous – which might flatter you at first. ‘It is only because I love you so much’

In this period, he will bring flowers and gifts, treat you like a ‘princess’, be loving and caring. You might feel uneasy about the speed of the relationship but don’t want to rock the boat because he is so different from the guys who want to play the field.


First Doubts

He blames others eg for his failed marriage or relationship. ‘My ex is a real bitch, I am so glad that I have found you’.

He tries to change you. Your hair, make up, clothes. In a subtle way, eg. by bringing you presents very different to the clothes you would normally wear.

He tries to stop you seeing your friends. ‘I just want to be with you, I want to spend time with you’.

He doesn’t take notice of your feelings, ‘Don’t be silly…’

In this period, you might have moments of misgiving, but then he backs off and is the loving attentive man you first fell for.


Sewing The Seeds of Self-Doubt

He puts you down, at first when you are alone but later in front of others, often disguised as a joke.

He makes comments about your appearance, making you feel less attractive.

His digs are subtle, and when you call him on them, he is offended and upset that you ‘didn’t get his joke’.

He insults your friends, and tries to stop you seeing them.

He is moody and unpredictable, but blames his bad moods on you so you start adapting your behaviour to keep him happy.

He accuses you of being unfaithful, or of flirting with other men.

He ignores you, if you do something that displeases him, and ‘rewards’ you with his attention and affection when he is pleased with you.

By now, you are already doubting yourself, and beginning to refer to him for minor and major decision making.



Escalation of Abuse

He stops you doing what you want, or seeing who you want.

He isolates you financially, making you dependent on him.

He blames you for anything that goes wrong.

He becomes more abusive, both verbally and physically

He becomes upset if you talk of leaving him, and threatens to do himself harm


By this point, you are cowed. You are frightened and isolated. You barely say anything, for fear of saying the wrong thing.

MmeLindor Thu 14-Feb-13 01:14:56

Not saying that is him, but the mocking of your speech impediment was a big massive red flag for me. And his anger. His playing down of issues that bothered you.

chipmonkey Thu 14-Feb-13 01:23:33

Britta, seriously? He sounds just awful! Don't give him another chance and don't get back with him! You and your kids deserve better.

BrittaPerry Thu 14-Feb-13 08:29:49

Yeah. That is pretty much him.

Where is it from?

Trills Thu 14-Feb-13 08:31:21

YANBU to think that I personally don't.

But you wrote this on a public forum so YABU to think that all of the yous that might be reading this don't use their ex's birthday as their PIN.

MmeLindor Thu 14-Feb-13 10:17:47

I wrote it for my blog, Britta. Have PMed you.

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