To be upset that my maid of honour has not even chosen me as her bridesmaid

(97 Posts)
daisydee43 Wed 13-Feb-13 15:31:18

I got married 2 yrs ago and was really pleased to choose my friend as my maid of honour but she is getting married this year and I know she has lots more friends and family to choose from but I would have at least expected bridesmaid role. I am very upset and her maid of honour keeps texting me about the hen do and I feel out of joint. I wanted her as my dds godmother but now I think I will choose someone else, petty but that's how I feel hmm

nellyjelly Fri 15-Feb-13 08:23:13

Weddings create such tensions. Instead of simply being a nice day they become these big, usually expensive productions with lots of associated personal politics.

Hate weddings for that reason. I have been to loads. Only a BM once and so called bf treated me terribly. Never again.

Forget it and just enjoy the day as a guest.

GirlOutNumbered Fri 15-Feb-13 08:18:52

Sorry about post, it was a quite a fail in terms of autocorrect!

ZenNudist Fri 15-Feb-13 08:17:20

YABVVVU do not broach this with your friend. Be nice about the hen do, it's not the MoH's fault and difficult enough to organise without people being snarky.

Your attitude tells me your friend has made the right choice. Friendship is not contingent on roles and favours but on how well you get on. The whole godmother thing is a red herring but it's your prerogative to choose someone else if you think this friend isn't right for the job.

You're allowed to feel hurt, just don't show it!

GirlOutNumbered Fri 15-Feb-13 08:17:11

Hello OP,
As usual people can't help being a bitch on these things. Don't jeorrynabout that, it is natural to feel a bit out out. My best friends came into my life later on, from work. So whilst they are my closest friends, they also have a circle of friends from school and uni. I didn't have bridesmaids at my weddings because I had a very small affair, but I did have certain people at a more private celebration. I would and have completely understood when I am not in the closest circle at other friends wedding, this is just the way life is.

Try not to let it worry you, she probably feels bad about it. You need to think about if you are going to be close forever before you choose godparents. I am godmother to a friend from school child, but we are barely in touch anymore.

TomDudgeon Fri 15-Feb-13 08:12:57

Oh and my best friend refused to be my bm. I had even allowed her to choose whatever she wanted to wear in case it was that. I was fine with her refusal after being initially upset (we had always promised each other prior) ands all was ok until she agreed to be another friends bm. This has really got me wondering what I did wrong as she was fine with me
In every other way.
I need to go and do and get off this thread as its reminded me how bloody lonely I feel. Even with people who are supposed to care

MrsMushroom Fri 15-Feb-13 08:08:40

My best friend of twenty years chose her DH to be's ex to be ger maid of honour.. they had been friends for a long time too and there was no bad blood between them. I was hurt for a nanosecond and then I realised it was a political move....designed to keep things sweet for them all....her step dd was bridesmaid and her Mum maid of honour....step DD was happy as her Dad got remarried. That was all that mattered really.

TomDudgeon Fri 15-Feb-13 08:05:47

I too felt hurt by my bridesmaid who only invited us to the evening party (I suspect as reserves) when she lived the other side did the country and I had young children. It hurt but I've tried to move on. I'm still friends with her and its just something that's going to bug me without anyone else (part from you lot) knowing

What hurt more was my best friend not even inviting me. What hurt even more than that was her dh had already asked my dh to be his best man and then they got married only mentioning it to us in passing a couple of days before. I know we had a baby the week before but dh could still have gone and in fact I would have to the service. Again I try to move on, I don't mention it, we're friends though not as close and they are a couple often children's god parents. Still bloody hurts though

And I have never been a bridesmaid, and now doubt I ever will so when even those I thought were as close as you could get eschew me it rally does hurt (not that I want to be a bridesmaid, just thought I was important to them)

obtuseone Fri 15-Feb-13 07:50:32

YANBU

It is hurtful when you realise that someone that you value greatly as a friend doesn't place the same value on their friendship with you.

I wouldn't say anything, however I would re-prioritise her friendship within your life. Don't be as accommodating towards her, and don't tell her anything important. Treat her more as you would an acquaintance or a friend you're not close with.

Salmotrutta Fri 15-Feb-13 00:33:32

In fact, if I "did" Facebook I'd most prolly post inane crap about it.

Salmotrutta Fri 15-Feb-13 00:32:15

My oldest friend was one of my BMs

She didn't ask me back.

I was forced to cut her out of my life forever and ever. It was tragic. I have never recovered.

MsMarple Fri 15-Feb-13 00:24:06

Goodness me what on earth do you want to be a BM, let along MoH, for anyway? Normal guests get to choose their own clothes and enjoy the day without stress :0)

When I got married the people I'd bridesmaided for were married (obviously!) with children. I didn't ask them to be bridesmaids for me because I love them dearly, and knew they had better things to do with their time than mess around looking for matching dresses with me!

Bogeyface Fri 15-Feb-13 00:09:41

H upset alot of people when we got married as he couldnt ask all the grooms he had been best man for to be his best man. It was well into double figures and even he cant remember exactly how many!

He had 4 (count 'em!) best men and none of them were "his" grooms. It was the only way he could do it, and it happened that they were his best friends. One had got married abroad and didnt have a BM, 2 weren't married and the last one had had one of the others as his BM after much soul searching and said later he wished he had done what H did and had all 3 of the men he had to choose from!

I would be gutted too, my own sister didnt choose me because.....she was a bitch...but at the end of the day, her wedding, her choice.

JohnSnowsTie Fri 15-Feb-13 00:03:11

My childhood best friend asked me to be her bridesmaid before she was even engaged. Then after she got engaged she asked someone else instead. I understood in that I'd long since moved out of the area and this other friend was local, but I can't deny I was hurt and felt friendship had been undermined. Never said anything though. I felt stupid for feeling hurt, iyswim.

Situation wasn't helped by the fact that the bridesmaid made me feel very unwelcome on the day, when I tried to make polite conversation. Still, I felt better about it for a) shutting up and b) being friendly to BM!

twinklestar2 Thu 14-Feb-13 22:59:08

Yanbu. I'd be hurt too.

Mumblepot26 Thu 14-Feb-13 22:46:13

I am not sure it is about her feelings not being reciprocated. I think it's about different dynamics, everyone has different family/friendship set ups, some people have large social groups, some don't. As someone from a big Irish/catholic family and friends on two continants, I had a lot of people to choose from, in the end I chose my sister, as it was the politically and financially the best decision. However i would hate to think that anyone would interpret the love I have for all my other friends and family as any less.

TheDoctrineOfSciAndNatureClub Thu 14-Feb-13 22:14:55
olympicsrock Thu 14-Feb-13 22:03:44

I would react exactly the same as you in the same position.

Tryharder Thu 14-Feb-13 21:57:18

Good Lord, if there was ever an argument for eloping to Gretna Green, this thread would be it!

pigletmania Thu 14-Feb-13 21:54:33

I will go against the grain and say YANBU and quite rightly are hurt. It kind of tells you that she des not value you as a friend as much as you do her

TheDoctrineOfSciAndNatureClub Thu 14-Feb-13 21:18:16

Natwebb, there was a gorgeous thread on here a year or two ago when a couple of MNers were witnesses to a fairly last minute wedding. One to think about smile?

natwebb79 Thu 14-Feb-13 20:39:26

I have been chief bridesmaid or whatever it's called for about five people. This is why my fiancé and I are buggering off to a registry office with two (as yet unchosen!) witnesses.

Lafaminute Thu 14-Feb-13 20:29:21

I didn't chose anyone for whom I had been bm to be mine - and the friend I did have as my one and only bridesmaid did not ask me to be any part of her wedding party and I didn't even go in the end - only because of babysitting/travel reasons but also because I didn't feel she needed me at her wedding in the way that I needed her! She was a great bm and a good choice but she had different priorities for her wedding and I was not one of them - no bother and no offence to me. I fel that the significant connection had been made - would it be the same then if s'one asked you to be god,other would you feel obliged to ask them back????

Mia4 Thu 14-Feb-13 20:22:19

YANBU to be upset, you can't help your emotions.

YWBBU to ruin her celebrations by voicing this opinion at the moment though. I know when i got engaged, one friend who I was bridesmaid for in the past was upset hadn't done everything i could- brought her dirnks, dinner, sent her a letter- to 'soften the blow' of not being a bridesmaid. I'd only been upfront and honest that I would have love to but was on a tight budget and had to have my younger family members so could have few adults. A few hours after she found out, face to face with me at lunch, she rang me up and gave me an ear bashing, making me feel guilty and accusing me of loving her less and not returning the 'favor'.

Truth was and is I closer to my best friends, which she knew before hand anyway.These friends are close to me, they've been there for me. I was surprised she asked me because while we're good friends we aren't really close, often she seems happy to get me off the phone asap when i call her for a chat-and this was prior to the engagement. Also i had to have, for family diplomacy, my two nieces and sister and given the shit my sister had been through having something else to focus on made her very happy.

My friend completely ruined my happy 'i can't believe i'm actually engaged moment', she made it all about her and basically told me she felt i owed her for the dress she brought me, she made it all about her standing up there in the Bridesmaid dresses. She didn't want to support me or be there for me, she just wanted me to buy her a nice dress while my other adult bridesmaids actually want to be there for me as a friend, person and when it comes to getting married.

I haven't and doubt i will ever forgive her for ruining that time for me. I felt sick, ill, like a bad friend and barely slept.

I would never expect my bridesmaids to ask me back, nor do i expect anyone else to. You don't give to receive, you give because you want to share with your nearest and dearest. I know that it hurts sometimes when you aren't nearest and dearest but you have to be a bit practical sometimes-if i had all my close friends I'd have 9 more Bridesmaids.

Apparently being part of the Bridal party wasn't enough for my friend also, I had asked said friend to do a reading for me but this was a 'cop out' because 'she wanted the dress'. Sometimes, sadly, it's all about people wanting to e that center of attention.

I'm not saying you're like that OP, but your last line makes me wonder I have to admit. Like my friend you feel you are owed and seem to want to punish her for not 'paying up'. If she wouldn't make a good GM don't make her one but it is petty as i'm sure others have told you. Your emotions aren't, your last line is.

angeltulips Wed 13-Feb-13 20:18:05

Ha ha @ whoever said "well, you know who won't be the godmother to your child!". As if anyone in the history of the world would give an actual flying fuck whether or not they were made godmother to one of their friend's children. I inwardly groan whenever I am asked as it usually just means I have to act as a cash cow for the next 15 years.

OP - understand you are hurt, but please don't be. I had this problem when I got married - one friend basically had a complete strop. Inhave 3 sisters and have been a bridesmaid 11 times (not including my sibs) so something had to give. YABU.

aldiwhore Wed 13-Feb-13 19:45:54

YABU. You are.

My oldest dearest friend was one of my bridesmaids, I didn't have a Maid of Honour but DH's best-almostasister-friend was Mate of Honour.

My oldest friend got married last year. I wasn't a bridesmaid. I wasn't asked. I didn't expect to be. Her two sisters were, and her 2 neices and one of her more up to date best friends... (ie., I don't see her a lot, I love her, but I'm not involved in her day to day life as we live quite far apart).

I was HAPPY for her.

Sorry but I've no time for this whole princess 'you owe me a horrible dress' saga. If she was your true best friend and you knew each other well enough, you'd understand.

You can dictate your own day but you shouldn't think that the 'favour' or honour will be returned. I was honoured to be invited to her wedding.

Sorry. You're allowed to feel a bit miffed, you're allowed to wish she would have asked you, you're allowed feelings. You're also allowed to be petty and withdraw the title of Godmother from your list of things to honour her with. Sometimes you just have to accept that different people do different things and its not all about you and your feelings. I has a wonderful day at my dearest friends wedding.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now