To be upset that my maid of honour has not even chosen me as her bridesmaid

(97 Posts)
daisydee43 Wed 13-Feb-13 15:31:18

I got married 2 yrs ago and was really pleased to choose my friend as my maid of honour but she is getting married this year and I know she has lots more friends and family to choose from but I would have at least expected bridesmaid role. I am very upset and her maid of honour keeps texting me about the hen do and I feel out of joint. I wanted her as my dds godmother but now I think I will choose someone else, petty but that's how I feel hmm

NopeStillNothing Wed 13-Feb-13 16:04:24

I don't think it's a simple yabu/yanbu to be honest. Ofcourse you don't select bridesmaids on the condition that they select you back, but it depends on the relationship you have with your friend and the type of wedding she's having as to whether yabu or not to be disappointed.
Either way it shouldn't really effect your decision in regards to the Godparents

2beornot Wed 13-Feb-13 16:05:14

YANBU to have these feelings. I did, when in a similar position a few years ago. It's hurts to think you're not as important to someone as they are to you. But she was still important to me.

Since then we've grown closer still and I am now godmother to get dd2 and if I have another, she will be his/her godmother.

Only you can decide whether your friendship is more important than this.

atthewelles Wed 13-Feb-13 16:05:51

I can totally understand feeling hurt about this. Not so much about not being chosen but that the friend in question didn't even say 'listen I'm not having you as bridesmaid because....... I hope you don't mind'.

I can see the friend may have been in a difficult position if she had several people who might expect to be her bridesmaid, but a bit of tact and consideration doesn't cost much.

DontEvenThinkAboutIt Wed 13-Feb-13 16:06:17

Sorry, it is another YABU from me. I would try not to worry about it.

Sashapineapple Wed 13-Feb-13 16:07:26

YABU, childish and petty.

yaimee Wed 13-Feb-13 16:07:32

I can see why you're hurt but it must also be hard for her because no matter who she chooses age will be disappointing someone else. Maybe she sees you as someone who would empathise with her and understand her difficult position.
There are so many wedding threads on here and so many hurt feelings and politics that it makes me not want to get married, I don't think I could cope with the stress of it all!

alphablock Wed 13-Feb-13 16:07:39

My best friend was bridesmaid at my wedding (along with my sister), but when she got married she chose her sister and sister-in-law to be bridesmaids. I was slightly hurt at first, but then she asked me to do a speech instead. I actually enjoyed doing this more than I would have enjoyed poncing about in some ridiculous dress, holding her flowers etc. She also had another close friend who did a reading during the ceremony instead of being a bridesmaid.

She later admitted that she felt she had to choose both her bridesmaids to avoid a major falling out.

OP, there could be all sorts of reasons for your friend's choice. She may have been under pressure from other friends and family and she may feel that your friendship is secure enough not to need her to prove its value by asking you to be bridesmaid.

Bridesmaids are unmarried traditionally.

MrsJamin Wed 13-Feb-13 16:09:00

My maid of honour didn't even invite me to the dinner part of her wedding, 18 months later! Ruined our friendship to be honest. I totally understand where you're coming from.

TeeBee Wed 13-Feb-13 16:14:10

I don't think you are BU to be a bit upset about it but, you know, you will get over it and work through it. I guess people choose bridesmaids for different reasons: their organisation skills, ability to keep calm, ability to put up with their strange family members, resourcefulness, good with putting hair up and brides make-up on, as well as their friendship. It might be that she has approached it from a practical perspective. I would think it reasonable of her to consider that you do have children and that your priority is most likely to be them, not faffing around after her. I hope you can be happy for her and enjoy her day with her.

AThingInYourLife Wed 13-Feb-13 16:16:30

"Bridesmaids are unmarried traditionally."

grin

I think the virginal bride's attendants thing is a bit of an anachronism.

TheFallenNinja Wed 13-Feb-13 16:20:10

This may be one of them occasions when it's right to be gracious in spite if your disappointment.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo Wed 13-Feb-13 16:25:03

I wouldn't take it to heart. I only had my sister when I got married. She had me and my DCs as little attendants. But she'd been a BM 5 times in total before she married. She couldn't really choose everyone she'd been BM for it would have been a bit crazy. Plus some other even closer friends might have been upset. So the politic thing to do was just have immediate family. It didn't reflect how she felt about any of her friends smile

yaimee Wed 13-Feb-13 16:26:14

my dsis is getting married later this year and from the beginning she planned a very small wedding due to financial constraints, she asked me and 2 friends to be bridesmaid, ff to now and her dos sister is also a bridesmaid (although she is happy with this as she loves her) but also an extended member of dos family (7) who neither her or her dp have ever met but who asked (via grandmother) as she was excited and wanted to be involved, this led to all similar aged children from our side being asked to avoid upsetting them/parents/grandparents and now she has 8 bridesmaids, a page boy and a 7 yr old usher! She isn't unhappy with any of this, but it just shows how this type of thing can snowball due to family politics. And of course there is the added danger of those not asked being more upset now th bridal party is bigger as it seems as though dsis has asked everyone and their dog to an outsider!

AThingInYourLife Wed 13-Feb-13 16:27:09

Of course you must be gracious.

But if you feel differently about your friendship now and prefer not to have her as a godparent to your child, that is completely fair enough.

She'll never even know.

Greypuddle Wed 13-Feb-13 16:29:35

I go with the unmarried bridesmaid idea. That's meant to be the whole point and why people say 'always the bridesmaid, never the bride' comes in. You're supposed to be completely desperate to get married so that you don't have to be 'just' a bridesmaid any more. Yes, it's totally old-fashioned now, but then so are most wedding traditions.

THERhubarb Wed 13-Feb-13 16:29:36

Look, you are upset and that is understandable. It's nothing to do with tit-for-tat and more of a realisation that whilst your friend might be your best friend, you are not hers.

I'm sure it isn't deliberate on her part and like someone said, she probably thinks you have enough with the baby although I think that she should have at least told you about it rather than let you find out through someone else.

However you are a part of her big day and you are invited to the hen do. Do go and I'm sure you will meet plenty of her other friends who are similarly miffed that she hasn't asked them to be bridesmaids either. She's probably one of those annoyingly popular people who is surrounded by a posse of best friends.

As for the role of Godmother, well think very carefully about that. I don't know my Godmother or Godfather and I think that's a real shame. I would have liked for them to have stuck around. As a teenager I really needed someone on my side and that's where they could have helped.

I chose the Godparents for my two very carefully. I wanted people who I knew would still be around in 15-20 years time (to the best of my knowledge anyway). People who would take an interest in my children growing up and who would be there for them.

So choose wisely. You don't want to choose a friend who will swan off in 5 years time never to be heard of again. Choose someone who has already supported you through hard times, who has shared their life and all its ups and downs with you. These are the kind of loyal friends (or even family) who deserve the role of Godmother, not the popular girl from school.

THERhubarb Wed 13-Feb-13 16:32:37

(I chose my married best friend to be my Maid of Honour. I didn't have bridesmaids so she couldn't be Chief Bridesmaid and as we were both in our late twenties, the title Maid of Honour seemed more befitting somehow. I wouldn't have had it any other way, she was (is) my best friend and I wanted her to have a huge part in my day so tradition could go and sit on shitty stick for all I cared. Tradition could never replace a best friend)

Feminine Wed 13-Feb-13 16:48:26

YANBU.

God knows why she did it. Its something you will just have to chalk up as a quirk of hers You would be more strange not to feel fed up!

I suppose its up to you if you go to the Wedding or/and just let this friendship die!

popcornpaws Wed 13-Feb-13 16:49:21

YABU. childish and petty. It is her choice.

atacareercrossroads Wed 13-Feb-13 16:51:11

Is this an episode of Friends??

KenLeeeeeee Wed 13-Feb-13 16:55:08

YABU to dwell on it & consider retaliating by not choosing her as godmother to your dd, although I can understand you feeling momentarily hurt.

My SIL (H's sister) was one of my bridesmaids (MIL insisted hmm ) but there wasn't even a mention of me being hers when she got married. In all fairness to her, I was gigantically pregnant at her wedding though!

Cherriesarelovely Wed 13-Feb-13 17:08:02

You probably are BU but it IS really hard. Some people have been very harsh in their replies.

I would most likely feel the same as you but equally wouldn't say anything and I'm not a "loves dressing up girly girl" at all.

I felt equally unreasonably upset when our lifelong friends adult Dd did not choose our Dd to be her bridesmaid despite the fact that her Dds were bridesmaids at our civil partnership and have been an important part of all our lives for many years. HOWEVER, I didn't say anything as I do understand how difficult it can be planning a wedding and I knew I was being a bit pathetic! It still upset me though!

I daresay some people could have wanted to be my bridesmaids - I had five female cousins, for example - but I chose my very capable and lovely best friend. And her fiance married us (he is a vicar).

She didn't ask me back, not least because she has two sisters, but I was very touched that she asked me to sing over the signing of the register instead. She didn't have to; she chose to; I took it very seriously.

Neither of us is godparent to the other's children (we have two sons each).

Forgive me if I'm wrong, but shouldn't one choose godparents for the benefit of one's children's spiritual development, and not to reward our friends?

daisydee43 Wed 13-Feb-13 17:15:22

Gotta love mumsnet, great argument! I would absolutely love to be bm and dress up as I love all that. I chose my bms because I value them so much as friends and it was lovely to have them with me on the morning. I feel a bit excluded as we had such a laugh picking out hen do stuff etc and she even made all my invites and did a reading so was very involved. All she has asked so far was to come to an invite making eve which was too late in eve cos dd was tiny then. I am seeing her next week and I hope she doesn't ignore the issue! smile

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