AIBU to be hurt by DP's comment.

(131 Posts)
honeytea Wed 13-Feb-13 08:40:24

I have posted about my in laws before, so far DP has been supportive of me but yesterday he did something that really hurt my feelings.

Last night we were at SIL's house for dinner. My 8 week old DS had just fed and was sleeping in my arms. I don't have a problem holding him whilst he sleeps. he sleeps in his side car cot very well at night so I don't resent holding him in the day time. WHen we are home he sometimes sleeps on me, sometimes he sleeps on a blanket on the sofa next to me and sometimes he sleeps in a cot in the kitchen whilst I cook/clean. DP said to me "why don't you put DS in his car seat so you can eat dinner" (I have become very good at eating one handed anyway) I said to DP that it is very likely that DS would wake up but we could try and I would take ds back if he woke up and cried. (we don't often sit him in the car seat when not in the car it was only in the house because it was really cold outside and ds goes into the car easier if the seat is warm.)

DS woke up and started grizzling, SIL took DS out of the car seat and walked around rocking him, I said I can take him and you sit and eat your dinner, I'm fine eating with him on my knee, she said no she was enjoying having a cuddle with him. After about 10 mins she came back into the room we were eating in without DS.

I was sat in the corner blocked in by DP I said to him can you go and get the baby. He went and got the baby, SIL went after him. DS woke up and was talking to DP, DP said to him "I know it was unnecessary to disturb you" I said actually it wasn't unnecessary I don't want him left in another room in an unsafe sleep enviroment. SIl said "yes it was absolutly unnecessary." I didn't mention it for the rest of the evening.

I am really struggling with anxiety at the moment, DS has been very ill with RS virus and spent a week in hospital I think that experience has made me realise how fragile he is. I appreciate that many people would be fine with their baby being in another room on a safe bythemself but I felt worried about it and I expect DP to support me. I wasn't asking for any help and I wasn't moaning about having an unputdownable baby but SIL took it upon herself to show me that DS would go down by himself. A friend tragically lost her DS to sids last year, she posts on facebook often about ways to reduce the risk such as putting babies under 6 months down to sleep in the same room as you and having a safe place for them to sleep.

SIL has previously put DS down in a really really hot room wrapped in a doubled over fleece blanket with it wrapped around his head. At the time I said I wasn't happy with him being wrapped up so warm and I didn't see the reason for her to put him down (on a sofa at another sister's house) when I was there and I was happy to hold him.

I asked DP how the baby was sleeping and he said SIL had put a cusion under the sofa cusion so it was on a slope towards the back of the sofa, DS was wrapped in a blanket again going over his head. DS can roll by himself but I am not sure he could roll away from the edge of the sofa with his arms wrapped up if his face became pushed into the edge of the sofa. The sofa was leather so the risk of him sliding in the blanket towards the edge was fairly high.

I feel like SIL is constantly trying to prove that I am doing things wrong, she knows how anxious I feel and she knows I want to keep ds in the same room as me (or DP or whoever is looking after him) Everytime we see her she takes DS into another room and leaves him alone. What has upset me is my DP saying "that was unnecessary" I feel like I need him to support me and not contradict me. I could understand if I was not managing with DS and needed help but DS is such an easy baby and I am doing great with my energy levels.

I have said to DP that I won't be going to any of the SILs houses because every time we go something happens that I feel is unsafe and if he isn't going to support me then I am not willing to go there. They can come to us where DS can go in his cot whist we eat.

AIBU to expect my DP to support me even if my actions are driven by anxiety?

thebody Sat 16-Feb-13 16:39:53

Of course you arnt being unreasonable, he's a tiny baby and your tiny baby.

Tell sil very firmly to but out, your baby your rules.

Sleeping on a sofa and being too hot are dangerous.

And for what it's worth you don't sound hyper anxious to me but perfectly normal.

13Iggis Sat 16-Feb-13 16:20:57

Vegemite with ds1 I did as you did - with us during the night but in rooms on his own in early evening/for naps. With ds2 I realised this seemed inconsistent, and kept him with us for naps too until 6 months.

VegemiteSandwich Sat 16-Feb-13 13:55:06

I have indeed started my own thread - its over in sleep. smile

lottiegarbanzo Sat 16-Feb-13 10:45:41

Vegemite, do start a thread, it would be interesting. Official advice is always presented is always as simply as possible so you know the rules, rather than explaining reasons or levels of risk or certainty. I think with SIDS advice, no smoking and back to sleep are by far the most significant. The same room sleeping is to do with babies regulating their breathing in relation to yours, somehow being reminded to breathe as they can 'forget'. Lots of people do move them into their own rooms at night long before 6 mo though and certainly for naps in the day. Dd slept in our room at night to 7 mo but I'd leave her on our bed for a nap in the couple of months between too clingy and rolling.

Oh wow that ludicrous cake sniffing comment really paints a picture of your ILs no wonder they drive you mad. Well done for standing up to them. Motherhood forces us to be more assertive I think because everyone has a blooming opinion... but you are in charge not to mention responsible for this other human being.I didn't think YABU at the outset. At 8 weeks it is all still a bit random and itis natural to be tuned in to hazards. DS1 napped on me for two hours each day for months. I really liked it.

edam Sat 16-Feb-13 10:15:56

Well done on standing up to your SILs honeytea, so glad dp is sticking up for you. ds is YOUR baby, he's 8 weeks old and he's been ill. Your SILs and anyone else who wants to stick their beak in can feck right off. No reason at all why a newborn should be separated from his Mummy and Daddy unless both parents are happy with this.

Vegemite, I guess the 'separate room' thing could be cultural - in the UK we have a history of being quite happy to leave babies in a different room, that may be different in other countries. And possibly because that guideline is quite recent (I think)? Recent as in people with teenagers or adult offspring won't have had that advice, IIRC.

VegemiteSandwich Sat 16-Feb-13 09:58:21

(sorry to hijack ... might start my own thread on this as have been wondering!).

VegemiteSandwich Sat 16-Feb-13 09:57:34

My baby is 8 weeks old today, and I don't think you are being at all unreasonable! Guidelines or no guidelines, leaving a newborn on a sofa unsupervised is obviously dangerous.

A question though - the general consensus seems to be that having a baby sleep in another room is safe. However the guidelines say that they should sleep (including day time naps) in the same room as us. But it's no more safe to ignore that guideline than any other guideline, in theory?

I've been thinking about that as our ds has all his daytime naps upstairs in our bedroom. I also consider this to be a less "important" guideline to follow. But why do I do that? Maybe convenience, or common sense?

BreatheandFlyAway Sat 16-Feb-13 09:48:37

Sorry was not up to date in reading post when i was posting! You sound like u have sorted it very well! smile

BreatheandFlyAway Sat 16-Feb-13 09:44:22

Whatever your parenting styles will become, at 8 weeks and after a big health scare for your baby, you have every right to be protective and call the shots.

Your sil was way way out of order in imposing her bossy views on you, plus she put your baby in an unsafe situation. Your dh was also out of order on this occasion as he should have backed you up and also his saying that to baby instead of you was petty and passive aggressive IMHO.

They probably mean well however and this is an emotionally charged and difficult time all round. Your response sounds sensible and the right course I think. Good luck!

honeytea Sat 16-Feb-13 09:24:16

Thanks smile

The cake smells makes me giggle, I was saying to dp last night what are we supposed to do when we bake a cake? We live in an apartment so every room smells of cake, should we put ds outside in the hall for fear of him refusing the breast?

We briefly spoke about weaning, they said I must just start with porridge and slowly add new flavors to it so as not to effect breastfeeding, explaining baby led weaning to them is going to be a fun day!

You have all helped me see the funny side thankyou!

diddl Sat 16-Feb-13 09:23:41

SILs are sounding a leetle bit creepy...

Actually, just downright bullying now with the constant pick, pick, pick of "don´t do that, that´s not right..."

I don´t quite get the upright thing.

Surely up against your shoulder iyswim is ok?

And when you cradle them their back is bent??

AliceWChild Sat 16-Feb-13 08:10:57

Well done honeytea. Great you're sticking up to them and your partner is being supportive. Those latest pieces of 'advice' are comical! Although the too cold one seems common in people a couple of generations back, guess it was the advice then. Good thing though is that they've proved they are talking shit and you can ignore them grin. Cake smells?!

McNewPants2013 Sat 16-Feb-13 02:29:54

Baby in a Moses basket/ crib in another room = safe

Baby in another room on sofa = unsafe

Yanbu

Katienana Sat 16-Feb-13 02:20:32

Can't believe anyone thought the way your sil put the baby down was ok,it sounded dangerous. Well done for stocking up for your baby! His safety is way more important than anyones feelings.

"DP has apologised and said how he thinks that the way I am with DS is lovely and he doesn't want me to change he just wishes there wasn't friction around the way we bring DS up."
Then DP really needs to take his family aside and tell them to back off, because it is they who are causing the friction with their belief "that we should listen to them because they are much more experienced." And TBH, time served is really no measure of experience. Two people can be doing something for ten years; one person will have 10 years' experience, the other will have one year's, ten times over. And no matter how many children they have between them, when was the last time they cared for an 8-week-old? How many years since their experience was actually relevant to that young a child? I know I've forgotten most of what I did when my DS was that age, they probably have too.

quoteunquote Sat 16-Feb-13 01:33:13

Well done, do what ever suit you, and mark their hmm faces out of ten, it is a good way to make yourself giggle.

5madthings Sat 16-Feb-13 01:27:00

tasmania the sids advice/guidlines are baby should sleep in the same room as parents/adult day and night for the first 6mths.

Tasmania Sat 16-Feb-13 01:20:54

Had the baby been left in a pram in another room, I wouldn't mind. Not the sofa though. There's absolutely nothing wrong with 8-week olds sleeping in another room. What's a nursery there for, if the baby ought to sleep in the parents' room.

OP - you need to let go a little. It's not just your dc... it's also dh's. He has just as much right to say how to raise the child as you have.

MyDarlingClementine Sat 16-Feb-13 00:35:18

When you say you have three sils are they his DS or his DB wives?

GettingTooOldForThis Sat 16-Feb-13 00:12:19

In my experience you should always go with your instincts. You are his mum and know him best. Glad your DH is supporting you.

Yfronts Fri 15-Feb-13 23:49:00

I really wouldn't want my baby on a leather sofa wrapped up too heavily with head covered.

You are keeping your baby safe.

Glad to hear your DH stuck up for you.

DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved Fri 15-Feb-13 22:52:41

Yay! Welldone you & dh!

BranchingOut Fri 15-Feb-13 22:36:22

Good for you!

On the plus side at least they are supportive of bf, albeit with a slightly strange theory around smells!

Vest, baby grow and snow suit - perfect for this weather.

Holding babies upright - this is seen as very bad in Germany. Maybe in Sweden too? Chalk it up to cultural differences.

DeepRedBetty Fri 15-Feb-13 22:35:07

Hi Honeytea, yanbu

Utter bollocks about

a) The cake sniffing.

b) The way you dressed him for a trip to A+E.

c) Holding in an upright position. 'Bent back' WTAF!?

The only trouble with upright is making sure head is supported. And instinct normally sorts that one out for us - it flops, so we cradle it.

Silly moos.

Yes you're showing faint signs of PFB syndrome, but only very faint and I'm sure you and Dp will get there smile.

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