AIBU to be hurt by DP's comment.

(131 Posts)
honeytea Wed 13-Feb-13 08:40:24

I have posted about my in laws before, so far DP has been supportive of me but yesterday he did something that really hurt my feelings.

Last night we were at SIL's house for dinner. My 8 week old DS had just fed and was sleeping in my arms. I don't have a problem holding him whilst he sleeps. he sleeps in his side car cot very well at night so I don't resent holding him in the day time. WHen we are home he sometimes sleeps on me, sometimes he sleeps on a blanket on the sofa next to me and sometimes he sleeps in a cot in the kitchen whilst I cook/clean. DP said to me "why don't you put DS in his car seat so you can eat dinner" (I have become very good at eating one handed anyway) I said to DP that it is very likely that DS would wake up but we could try and I would take ds back if he woke up and cried. (we don't often sit him in the car seat when not in the car it was only in the house because it was really cold outside and ds goes into the car easier if the seat is warm.)

DS woke up and started grizzling, SIL took DS out of the car seat and walked around rocking him, I said I can take him and you sit and eat your dinner, I'm fine eating with him on my knee, she said no she was enjoying having a cuddle with him. After about 10 mins she came back into the room we were eating in without DS.

I was sat in the corner blocked in by DP I said to him can you go and get the baby. He went and got the baby, SIL went after him. DS woke up and was talking to DP, DP said to him "I know it was unnecessary to disturb you" I said actually it wasn't unnecessary I don't want him left in another room in an unsafe sleep enviroment. SIl said "yes it was absolutly unnecessary." I didn't mention it for the rest of the evening.

I am really struggling with anxiety at the moment, DS has been very ill with RS virus and spent a week in hospital I think that experience has made me realise how fragile he is. I appreciate that many people would be fine with their baby being in another room on a safe bythemself but I felt worried about it and I expect DP to support me. I wasn't asking for any help and I wasn't moaning about having an unputdownable baby but SIL took it upon herself to show me that DS would go down by himself. A friend tragically lost her DS to sids last year, she posts on facebook often about ways to reduce the risk such as putting babies under 6 months down to sleep in the same room as you and having a safe place for them to sleep.

SIL has previously put DS down in a really really hot room wrapped in a doubled over fleece blanket with it wrapped around his head. At the time I said I wasn't happy with him being wrapped up so warm and I didn't see the reason for her to put him down (on a sofa at another sister's house) when I was there and I was happy to hold him.

I asked DP how the baby was sleeping and he said SIL had put a cusion under the sofa cusion so it was on a slope towards the back of the sofa, DS was wrapped in a blanket again going over his head. DS can roll by himself but I am not sure he could roll away from the edge of the sofa with his arms wrapped up if his face became pushed into the edge of the sofa. The sofa was leather so the risk of him sliding in the blanket towards the edge was fairly high.

I feel like SIL is constantly trying to prove that I am doing things wrong, she knows how anxious I feel and she knows I want to keep ds in the same room as me (or DP or whoever is looking after him) Everytime we see her she takes DS into another room and leaves him alone. What has upset me is my DP saying "that was unnecessary" I feel like I need him to support me and not contradict me. I could understand if I was not managing with DS and needed help but DS is such an easy baby and I am doing great with my energy levels.

I have said to DP that I won't be going to any of the SILs houses because every time we go something happens that I feel is unsafe and if he isn't going to support me then I am not willing to go there. They can come to us where DS can go in his cot whist we eat.

AIBU to expect my DP to support me even if my actions are driven by anxiety?

edam Sat 16-Feb-13 10:15:56

Well done on standing up to your SILs honeytea, so glad dp is sticking up for you. ds is YOUR baby, he's 8 weeks old and he's been ill. Your SILs and anyone else who wants to stick their beak in can feck right off. No reason at all why a newborn should be separated from his Mummy and Daddy unless both parents are happy with this.

Vegemite, I guess the 'separate room' thing could be cultural - in the UK we have a history of being quite happy to leave babies in a different room, that may be different in other countries. And possibly because that guideline is quite recent (I think)? Recent as in people with teenagers or adult offspring won't have had that advice, IIRC.

Oh wow that ludicrous cake sniffing comment really paints a picture of your ILs no wonder they drive you mad. Well done for standing up to them. Motherhood forces us to be more assertive I think because everyone has a blooming opinion... but you are in charge not to mention responsible for this other human being.I didn't think YABU at the outset. At 8 weeks it is all still a bit random and itis natural to be tuned in to hazards. DS1 napped on me for two hours each day for months. I really liked it.

lottiegarbanzo Sat 16-Feb-13 10:45:41

Vegemite, do start a thread, it would be interesting. Official advice is always presented is always as simply as possible so you know the rules, rather than explaining reasons or levels of risk or certainty. I think with SIDS advice, no smoking and back to sleep are by far the most significant. The same room sleeping is to do with babies regulating their breathing in relation to yours, somehow being reminded to breathe as they can 'forget'. Lots of people do move them into their own rooms at night long before 6 mo though and certainly for naps in the day. Dd slept in our room at night to 7 mo but I'd leave her on our bed for a nap in the couple of months between too clingy and rolling.

VegemiteSandwich Sat 16-Feb-13 13:55:06

I have indeed started my own thread - its over in sleep. smile

13Iggis Sat 16-Feb-13 16:20:57

Vegemite with ds1 I did as you did - with us during the night but in rooms on his own in early evening/for naps. With ds2 I realised this seemed inconsistent, and kept him with us for naps too until 6 months.

thebody Sat 16-Feb-13 16:39:53

Of course you arnt being unreasonable, he's a tiny baby and your tiny baby.

Tell sil very firmly to but out, your baby your rules.

Sleeping on a sofa and being too hot are dangerous.

And for what it's worth you don't sound hyper anxious to me but perfectly normal.

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