to be livid at being told I have no partner are 13 months?

(77 Posts)
brightspark2 Wed 13-Feb-13 00:20:35

Too hurt to cry, too sick to eat or sleep. Apparently I am not anyone's partner, I am undesignated - after six months of partnership level commitment. I have NEVER tried to own him in fact was thanked for my indulgence for three months while he spent most of his time with his mates cos one was leaving. He calls me by this woman's name in bed then swears they don't like me and am banned from the area of his life he has spent most of November and December with (obviously thinking of them not me). Fuck his privacy that is just an excuse to treat me like this - and where the hell does he get off telling me we aren't married and he has no label (ie status) in my life, just more than a friend. Friend with benefits then - arrogant git has nowhere near the level of trust my actual HUSBAND earned - and it's polite to wait til you're offered! He should be so fuckin lucky.

emailed to him 24 hours later

Although there is no legal definition of living together, it generally means to live together as a couple without being married.

(ie bar the odd night back at the Hotel, since the beginning of AUGUST - nearly six months)

You can formalise aspects of your status with a partner

So you are unfair and unreasonable just because you do not want the ex et al finding out you have an undesignated.

There is obviously baggage and issues but you have enjoyed partnership level commitment. Nowhere NEAR the level of trust earned by my actual husband - how dare you?!

I do NOT presume to step into her shoes I was just stupid enough to goby the rest of the world's definition. I acquiesce to your attempt to sabotage the first date FOR ME and your attempt to put me in my undesignated (actually, friend with benefits) place.

I do not and never will agree with your distorted viewpoint.

You do this when you are sleep deprived and choose not to get at least a nap on the day of your night off - as when your money runs out. I get it in the neck with your nasty erroneous conclusions.

I will see you when you have slept and are not being as much of a bastard - now there's a label for you.

That will be some time after Valentine's Day then.

brightspark2 Sun 03-Mar-13 13:06:50

Update - he was horrifed at my response - deeply upset that he had hurt me.

He refers to me openly as his partner and took me out to meet up with some other friends and was openly affectionate despite his (Northern) assertion that he doesn't do PDA.

He has a 58" chest and we have a tiny flat - he is very careful now to let me know he is behind me and notices when I am in pain and not telling him so -it gets boring, even for me and I am not very good at asking for help -doing laundry and food when I could but it would hurt me.

He has booked a Mother's Day lunch for me and my son, his Mum and his sister - we have settled in to living together and are happy.

Pandemoniaa Thu 14-Feb-13 13:01:59

I also said he must not push past me as my disabillity may be causing me pain - he said he had not known it was bad that day

You don't push past people whether or not they have a disability. But knowing that you do makes this, additional example of his unpleasantness, totally unreasonable.

Please accept that this man is using you and show him the door. It is clear, from your posts, that he behaves just as he chooses and, insultingly, comes back to you for sex. He is not a partner. Nor, realistically, is he a boyfriend. But he is a cock lodger par excellence. However, he seems to have the cunning to recognise that even your tolerance isn't unlimited. Hence his "remorse" when it looks like you are about to come to your senses and show him the door. I have no doubt that this is temporary and once he has his feet back under the table, he'll revert to type.

Also, you don't have to go back to dating straight away if you separate. You can choose to have some peaceful time enjoying your own company, the added bonus of which is that you are likely to be much less keen to accept unsatisfactory relationships.

FellatioNels0n Thu 14-Feb-13 12:47:14

Well. I think you are focusing too much on semantics when you should be focusing on why he doesn't spend much time with you when he is supposed to live with you. I feel like you have just cherry picked all the points of my post that you can rationalise, and totally ignored all of the stuff that you can't.

But is wish you luck with it all, whatever you decide.

brightspark2 Thu 14-Feb-13 11:49:30

FellatioNelson thank you for taking so much time. This is not the flatmate, I kicked him out at the end of October 2011. P and I were just friends until he kisses me that Christmas and we started dating n the January. We have been girlfriend and boyfriend since then.

I rang him when I knew he D his Disabled mate would be in bed.

Turns out he believes the word partner only refers to married people (wrong, I know) and only ever referred to himself as the boyfriend of the woman he was with for 12 years and had 3 kids with. His parents marriage was shite.

I think he is marriage phobic and objects to partner like I object to anyone over 24 or live-in being called boyfriend - terminology I guess.

So we rowed - I told him I accept using boyfriend and he was NEVER to snarl "We are not married" at me as he should be so fuckin lucky and tis polite to wait til you're offered plus he was nowhere near earning the level of trust my late husband had in order to marry me. He was shocked.

Upshot I also said he must not push past me as my disabillity may be causing me pain - he said he had not known it was bad that day and if I did not like the way he was when he was here he would move out. I countered with that would finish us as I would not go back to the days of the "invisible boyfriend".

He has made a commitment to D who cannot find any other help so that is OK with me.

He claims he mixed up the names because had had just been there talking with them and had not had any sleep for four days - he does mix up family names too. I can let that drop so long as he doesn't do it again.

He will however stay at their place if he comes near me until after the next shift with D h is not coming back to me fresh from there.

He does not play strip poker! He plays Texas Hold 'Em on their regular poker nights.

He wants tobe my boyfriend and left it at midnight that he would think about where to live. He was choked. He has come back in and gone to bed so I guess tomorrow after he has slept and we have the evening together I will decide whether we split or not. I do not want to separate and go back to dating. He has to wind his neck in now or he loses me. End of.

FellatioNels0n Thu 14-Feb-13 05:39:53

I do not know what to do about this couple of friends. I do not wish to ban him from there unless I am with him that is wrong, as would be making him choose.

erm...I don't think you are in a position to be able to ban him from anything. Again, you clearly don't have much of a grasp of reality if you think this is a relationship where you can call any shots whatsoever. You can't even get him to come home to you each night, never mind dictate which friends he can and can't see. but let's suppose you could - it would not be wrong to make him choose between spending a sensible amount of time with friends, together as a couple, and practically living with them and totally excluding you. Because that's how you tell the difference between a proper partner and a cocklodger. Which bit of this can you not see? confused

And actually I think he is either lying to you about being at Claire's house all the time, or perhaps Claire and her husband are equally cheesed off about the amount of time he spends there. Perhaps he uses them like he uses you because he's a parasitic man-child who won't take any responsibility for looking after himself.

It is odd the way he spends great extended chunks of time with all these friends and yet seems obsessed about keeping you away from that part of his life. Have you considered the fact that he might actually be living a double life with another woman? He could even be married. It happens.

Look at all the red flags:

He is very touchy about discussing anything that formalises or acknowledges an actual live-in relationship with you.

you do not want the ex et al finding out you have an undesignated.

He wants long term love but to be ostensibly single.

but objects if I refer to him as my partner

and where the hell does he get off telling me we aren't married and he has no label (ie status) in my life, just more than a friend.

He is very controlling about the access you have to his friendships and family, and tries not to be seen with you in public, like you are a secret. hmm

then swears they don't like me and am banned from the area of his life

We only go to darkened cinemas cos that is what he likes we do not go out socially with others at all

We enjoy each other's company except he does not like pubs or clubs just going round to friends

He spends extraordinary amounts of time away from you, frequently overnight for days/weeks on end, for quite far fetched and weird reasons.

in fact was thanked for my indulgence for three months while he spent most of his time with his mates cos one was leaving.

spent most of November and December with [Claire and Mark] (obviously thinking of them not me).

he lost his job four weeks ago and practically lived at his best mates,

he does not use drugs but does go to help his disabled mate at nights.

his best mate just moved away, the other couple he sees a lot are Mark and Claire and he was round there often in party season and plays poker round there.

I will see you when you have slept and are not being as much of a bastard - now there's a label for you. That will be some time after Valentine's Day then.

you are supposedly his only partner but after only 13 months he is not spending Valentine's day with you?

...when he chooses to stay up not sleep after he has been up several days - some necessary, some not.

Unless he actually works nights (works for pay in a proper job, not just 'helping his disabled mate') then there is never a necessary reason to stay up all night for several nights, or out all night for several weeks. He is shirty with you because you keep quizzing him about where he has been. The lack of sleep thing is just you trying to justify it because you won't face the very obvious truth.

He is very gentle around me today and will talk to me when he has a day away from his disabled mate which is Friday - I am not letting him brush this under the carpet any more and he will not be coming back here after he has been to A Road to see the couple who do not like me.

So you say that your 'relationship' has had six months of 'partnership level commitment' and you consider that you live together, yet as far as I can tell he has barely spent more than a few fragmented weeks with you since October. confused

Shall I go on? Are the scales falling from your eyes yet?

He calls me by this woman's name in bed

Gut feeling he is still hung up on his ex -they split 10 years ago

Claire is the name he called me once in the kitchen and once in bed.

he often calls me by a different version of my real name too and is horrified when he does that.

I do not and never will agree with your distorted viewpoint.

You do this when you are sleep deprived and choose not to get at least a nap on the day of your night off - as when your money runs out. I get it in the neck with your nasty erroneous conclusions.

Actually I think the only person who has a distorted viewpoint here is you. He is telling you this is not, and possibly never has been a proper relationship and you are not listening. You are a FWB and a convenient stopgap when he needs a place to dump his stuff between other relationships/homes/jobs. He won't stop coming round until you stop telling him to. And it sounds as though you keep begging him to.

we will have to talk about the homewrecking mates dripping poison and his collaboration with them, plus his double standards and issuin unreasonable orders with no explanation expecting me to blindly follow them

now you are sounding a bit unhinged and histrionic and paranoid. I'm sorry but you are. Stop fantasising and laying the blame for his lack of interest and commitment at the door of his friends. It is not their responsibility to send him 'home' to you.

I don't care how long he has known them; if he goes there, he takes their sofa, does not get dinner or bed here and can go on to his disabled mate's from there.

Right. Now you are talking. That is the only line you have posted that has made any sense whatoever. You know what to do, so do it. I sincerely doubt he will even look over his shoulder.

One of three things is happening here. Either:

he is living a double life and he genuinely doesn't want you to find out, and he has picked you because you are gullible and easy to manipulate, or:

He is a non-committal cocklodger who stays with you when he feels like it because it's easy and comfortable and convenient, or:

He started off committed to you, but his feeling changed, and he has told you this many times but you refuse to accept it. He has virtually moved out, but is not in a position to get a place of his own so he sofa surfs at friends and only comes back to you when he has no choice, because that is where is stuff is.

Either way, you need to take control and change the situation, because he sure as hell is not going to.

clicketyclick66 Thu 14-Feb-13 04:19:03

Look, this day 20 years ago I had similar issues with a so-called boyfriend. I spent that weekend crying over him, then the news emerged about the murder of Jamie Bulger. I quickly realised my troubles were only minor compared to those of poor Denise and Ralph Bulger, and dumped him.
No regrets, I met a brilliant guy not long after, married him and we're still happily married 17 years later.

FellatioNels0n Thu 14-Feb-13 04:01:56

If you think you can get this man to go anywhere near a counselling session with you the you are even more deluded than I thought.

I think you should perhaps seek some counselling for yourself though. Not about making this relationship work specifically, because it never will. But to try to understand why you do this to yourself. Is he the same man who was your lodger or is that someone different?

PavlovtheCat Wed 13-Feb-13 19:57:22

so he went around there and played strip poker with his friends, took things further than just that, or got to see enough to want to fuck her? and now you are her, and he spends time with that couple to either continue playing strip poker and fuck her, or to be with her to fantasise about doing so.

Probably more likely fantasising, else he would not come back to you for sex.

Lovely.

Fluffymonster Wed 13-Feb-13 19:52:19

"...he was round there often in party season and plays poker round there. Claire is the name he called me once in the kitchen and once in bed."

Omg - how much of a doormat are you being, to put up with this? He's either fantasising, or subconsciously thinking about his friend's wife, whilst he's with you! And he still gets to sleep with you?

"...he often calls me by a different version of my real name too and is horrified when he does that."

And he can't even be bothered to remember your actual name.

"I am not ready to give up on us - I am not into serial monogamy or a string of disposable men, looking for the perfect one.

Here is the crux of your problem - it's not 'just one bugbear', it's your romanticising of what he's about, along with your fear of being alone. The more you put up with this sh*t, the less respect he will have for you, too.

I will not have this go on any longer though - we need to talk if not get counselling!"

I was cheering you on until I saw the last half of that sentence! What's there to talk about or counsel? I'm all for talk therapies if there is an actual point, but from the way he's treated you it's obvious that he's just not that into you, while you will practically do anything to keep him, and he knows it. Just get rid! (Though you probably won't if you're 'not ready'. I do hope you come to your senses soon though.)

FellatioNels0n Wed 13-Feb-13 18:24:22

I think you are over-analysing all this. The bottom line is that he chooses to spend most of his time away from you, without good reason (i.e. work obligations)

That is not a normal, equal, committed relationship. That is a cocklodger, a fuck buddy, a FWB, whatever. It is not a partner. Not a husband. Not someone who puts you first.

AnyFucker Wed 13-Feb-13 18:24:03

< likes > Mardy's post

Mardy...go post that all over the place, seriously

brightspark2 Wed 13-Feb-13 18:01:00

Periwinkle he is demonstrative and does his share round the house. He includes me in his future plans and is loving behind closed doors and gets angry at others abusing me and admits he does do it himself at times.

We enjoy each other's company except he does not like pubs or clubs just going round to friends - his best mate just moved away, the other couple he sees a lot are Mark and Claire and he was round there often in party season and plays poker round there. Claire is the name he called me once in the kitchen and once in bed.

So the only bugbear is this couple - he has known them 20 odd years - they are comfortably off and he is not now, although he was. They did not ditch him when he lost his money, ex and daughters and his business folded so he values them highly.

He is taking more of any interest in me lately, since I told him what he had done - he hadn't realised - he often calls me by a different version of my real name too and is horrified when he does that.

The socialising aspect is now a major issue, as is Claire.

I do not know what to do about this couple of friends. I do not wish to ban him from there unless I am with him that is wrong, as would be making him choose.

I am not ready to give up on us - I am not into serial monogamy or a string of disposable men, looking for the perfect one.

I will not have this go on any longer though - we need to talk if not get counselling!

Sallyingforth Wed 13-Feb-13 17:36:07

OP
You have been given a lot of advice here by many people, including me.

But you only really need to read what MardyPants has just written. That says it all.

almostanotherday Wed 13-Feb-13 17:34:38

Please get rid of him, he sounds horrible and I can't see what you actually get from this relationship to make it worth your time and effort in staying with him.

PavlovtheCat Wed 13-Feb-13 17:32:42

If I read that correctly, you are saying, he can fuck off then? I hope that is how I interpretted his last post, that he will be going to xyzs house and not returning? please, don't let him return to your home, your life.

Perriwinkle Wed 13-Feb-13 17:29:29

Brightspark2 please sum up briefly what this man can offer you and what makes you feel good about the relationship you have with him.

MardyPants Wed 13-Feb-13 17:26:23

OK, this is how it works....

If you are seeing a man, and he is nice to you, he brings you flowers, he takes you out when he goes and is PROUD to have you with him, he is polite and courteous and thoughtful, he makes plans with you in advance, he buys / makes you dinner....

Then you sleep with him. If he's lucky.

If he leaves you at home when he's out, turns up and eats your food (that you cook!), sleeps with you when he feels like, rocks in and out of YOUR HOME whenever he fancies, he is a cocklodger and an arsehole. If he does this, you pack his stuff, change the locks, and bid him good riddance day.

You first have to appreciate that
1. You deserve, and will eventually find better once you get rid
2. You will be alone, for a while, before that happens, and that is a scary thing for so many people. But you WILL survive.

Good luck
x

brightspark2 Wed 13-Feb-13 16:35:12

Hi all. Pavlov, he does not use drugs but does go to help his disabled mate at nights. I won't interfere with that except when he chooses not to sleep during the day for several days at a time. The bits re his other friends are true - except I do not get mentioned, apparently they and he ignore my existence when he is round there. His sister, C, only agreed to meet me because his mother likes me. I have met her twice, recently.

He is very gentle around me today and will talk to me when he has a day away from his disabled mate which is Friday - I am not letting him brush this under the carpet any more and he will not be coming back here after he has been to A Road to see the couple who do not like me.

I don't care how long he has known them; if he goes there, he takes their sofa, does not get dinner or bed here and can go on to his disabled mate's from there.

coughingbean Wed 13-Feb-13 16:24:43

Please have the strenght to leave this man thanks

HecateWhoopass Wed 13-Feb-13 16:14:50

Is this really all you feel you're worth? That's really sad. I hope that you decide that you are worth more than this.

It reads like he's ashamed of you. He's treating you shabbily.

missrlr Wed 13-Feb-13 16:11:59

He does not get the right to upset you like this let alone on an ongoing basis. Remove him from your life, there is no up side to keeping him around. So deep breath and change the locks, black bag up his stuff and deposit on the pavement. End of trauma - you can and will have a better quality of life without this RUBBISH bringing you down

FellatioNels0n Wed 13-Feb-13 15:36:43

Yes, all this talk of 'he does this when he hasn't slept' is just clutching at straws to justify his awful behaviour. He does not consider you to be his partner. He sees no long term plan with you in his life. He sleeps with you and uses your house/larder for comfort and convenience BECAUSE YOU LET HIM.

greenfolder Wed 13-Feb-13 14:29:28

you deserve better

just leave this person- he is using you.

that is all

PavlovtheCat Wed 13-Feb-13 14:10:00

He is much more reasonable when he has slept but has a habit of accusing me of things I have not done or said, bad intentions I never had and is basically an ogre/monster when he chooses to stay up not sleep after he has been up several days - some necessary, some not

I have three things to say, one of which is a question.

1. He is abusing you, emotionally. Accusing you of saying things you have not done or said is a classic form of emotional abuse.
2. He stays up for several days at a time - does he use drugs? cocaine? other 'uppers'? as this would exagerate already aggressive behaviour if he has been on a drug induced bender and is then coming down from it
3. You need to get out of this relationship NOW. He is in his 50s. He is NOT going to change. There may excuses for his behaviour in your mind, and that is very normal, to try to justify his behaviour and hope it changes, but whatever those excuses, they are not going to go away and he will continue to be the absolute fucking shit that he clearly is.

If he does not live with you, pack his belongings and tell him not to come back. If he lives with you, tell him to leave and don't come back. Especially if he is not working, don't support the turd.

mmmuffins Wed 13-Feb-13 14:05:19

I think it's pretty clear this man doesn't want to be in a committed relationship with you. Move on OP.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now