AIBU weddings and ds

(36 Posts)
yojojo1 Tue 12-Feb-13 11:58:44

I suspect, I may be BU but anyway….
Firstly I need to say that me and sil aren’t close, in fact she’s generally quite rude whenever we do see each other.
So bil and sil-2b are getting married this year, saw them at Xmas asked how plans were going etc etc all seemed very laid back.
I bought my ds an outfit to wear to the wedding, got it early as last year I wanted something similar and they sold out.
Saw bil and sil 2b in Jan, and they then said they would like to buy ds an outfit to wear to the wedding, it was pointed out that he would not be expected to do anything and he was not a pageboy (ds is 2) me and dh politely declined saying we’d already got him something to wear that he’d be comfortable in.
A week later mil emails and again mentions an outfit for ds, again we politely decline saying we already have something for him.
This week bil emails to say they’ve already bought him an outfit and that they want him to be pageboy. I’m really not sure ds would be any good as a pageboy, he’s in the terrible two’s and he likes to tantrum when he doesn’t get his own way (what 2yr old doesn’t!) and he’s super clingy to me, so not sure he will want to leave my side. I think it will be less distracting for the bride and groom to just have him as a guest.
Now am I BU by saying that I’d rather he wasn’t a pageboy and that he wears what me and dh have chosen for him?
Dh thinks we’re being a bit rude by saying no, but I feel they’re being rude by ignoring us when we politely declined and going ahead and buying the outfit.

Scholes34 Tue 12-Feb-13 12:08:48

Go along with B and SIL and let DS wear the outfit they've bought for him and be their pageboy. Any decent photographer will acknowledge that such a young pageboy or bridesmaid will need to have a photo taken early on in proceedings, as it won't be long before they're bored with the whole set up. Tell your brother that you'll do your best to ensure he looks his best for the service and the wedding breakfast.

The DS of good friends of ours (aged 6 at the time) was ring bearer at his Auntie's wedding. He wore the outfit for all of 20 minutes and was quickly into jeans and trainers as soon as he could change. But the important thing is that an effort was made, and there's photographic evidence of it for the happy couple to treasure.

You acknowledge that you don't get on with your SIL to be. You need to learn which battles to fight, and this should be one to let pass.

lollilou Tue 12-Feb-13 12:10:10

They have gone a bit groomandbrizillery(?) I would decline page boy duties but put him in the outfit they have for him. Does it matter what he wears? As long as it's not ridiculous I think it's fine. Maybe they are thinking of the photos and matching colour schemes? Yes very daft but at least they haven't banned kids or sent you a cash poem. grin

atthewelles Tue 12-Feb-13 12:12:16

Odd behaviour. Why didn't they say at the start they want him as a page boy, instead of just saying they wanted to buy him an outfit to wear?

Still, its their wedding. If your DS refuses to walk behind them on the day then so be it. As others have said, at least they can have him in the photographs.

Neighbourhoodwatchbitch Tue 12-Feb-13 12:13:02

I think YABU actually. Let him wear their outfit.

MrsMushroom Tue 12-Feb-13 12:13:56

It sounds like they're worried you're going to turn up with him dressed in something they deem unsuitable.

I think yabu...they want him to be pageboy and have an outfit...what outfit is it? What did you get?

squeakytoy Tue 12-Feb-13 12:13:58

A child that age is likely to need two outfits for the day anyway.. just go along with it.

SashaSashays Tue 12-Feb-13 12:16:25

I would let him wear the outfit they picked, its their wedding, obviously means something to them. Unless its godawful, go on sounds like it will make them and MIL happy.

I would explain about the page boy aspect, say you are happy for him to do it but you aren't too sure if he will. Maybe they can put in a back up plan, so see how he feels on the day. If he doesn't want to he can just stand with you, otherwise he might end up enjoying it.

It won't do you any harm to say yes and they'll think its nice. Most weddings I now go to are strictly child free so they must value children if they haven't banned them.

Go onnnnn, make their day how they want it.

Cailinsalach Tue 12-Feb-13 12:16:33

I agree with Scholes and Lollilou regarding the clothes. Put their outfit on him for the wedding, if it is really rubbish perhaps he could "spill" something down it and you could change him, but after the photos.

I would especially heed Scholes advice re picking your battles.

Sugarice Tue 12-Feb-13 12:19:12

Can you take back the outfit you have already bought for the wedding, is it something more formal and that is unsuitable for everyday wear?

I don't blame you for being miffed if you weren't able to return it and I'd be pissed off that they ignored what had been said and made him a pageboy without discussing it with you.

Having said that, it's a wedding so enjoy it and let the stress go over your head.

ivanapoo Tue 12-Feb-13 12:26:24

I think YABU, it's only a bloody outfit. It's not going to cost you any more or put you out.

Re the page boy thing, it's a bit meaningless anyway isn't it for a 2 year old.

Worth saying yes to keep the peace isn't it? unless you are trying to be deliberately obstructive to your SIL

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 12-Feb-13 12:45:53

MIL will be in your life a long time so for DH's sake, tolerate the bride and BIL's whims, let DS be pageboy and take along your outfit for DS as a spare. Otherwise this will rumble on and however bridezilla your STBSil, you'll cop the blame.

pluCaChange Tue 12-Feb-13 13:10:39

Will they be more angry and disappointed, though, if on the day DS refuses to wear the outfit or be a pageboy or, indeed, to stop screaming/ running?

The best tip I got from the Baby Whisperer was something like: "Try not to put your child in a situation s/he can't handle." Meanwhile, if your ILs are being this stubborn already, imagine their meltdown if their plan goes to hell on the very day of their wedding!

If you really doubt your DS will behave as they want (also, remember, possibly hungry and hopped up on the effects of lots of attention), it's best to get out of it now, perhaps using their outfit as a compromise.

Use your judgement, as you know him best.

MrsKeithRichards Tue 12-Feb-13 13:19:39

I think it's nice they want him to have a part in their day, go with it.

fedupofnamechanging Tue 12-Feb-13 13:21:48

I say yanbu. If it was always the intention for him to be part of the wedding, then I'd say fair enough for them to choose his outfit. But that isn't what happened.

I think you have already politely declined and now they should stop trying to insist on having their own way - it might be their wedding, but ds is your child. It is up to the parents to choose what their kids wear, not the bride and groom. Are they going to start telling the rest of the guests what to wear too?

I think this is a bit of a power struggle, played out in a passive aggressive way (by pretending they now want him to be a page boy, when previously they did not). Given that the bride is generally rude to you, I would do as I had always intended and politely decline on the grounds that ds is clingy and too young.

Pandemoniaa Tue 12-Feb-13 13:24:11

It sounds like they've been fairly indecisive about things but if they want your ds to be pageboy it'd be a bit churlish to say no just because you want him to wear the outfit you bought.

So I'd be inclined to agree with their plans but warn them that you can't guarantee he'll perform on the day. But then you'd hope they would have realised that 2 year olds will almost always make unreliable pageboys.

I'd also be surprised if he doesn't need two outfits on the day anyway but equally, don't fight a pointless battle over something as trivial as what he wears.

OTheHugeManatee Tue 12-Feb-13 13:29:01

PFB vs Bridezilla. It's like Mega Shark v Giant Octopus grin

Goldmandra Tue 12-Feb-13 13:32:38

Just say "OK. We'll give it a try."

Make it clear that if he doesn't want to wear the outfit or perform any of the Pageboy duties you won't be trying to make him.

You can dress him in their outfit and leave it on him as long as he's happy. Have your alternative available at all times if you think he will kick off about it.

Make much of him being grown up and being able to show everyone how smart he is by walking with xxxx in the church.

Constantly reinforce to all concerned that you would much prefer a happy child on the day than one who is tantruming because of the clothes he is wearing and the demands people are putting on him. Therefore you will be keeping him with you and letting him change if he wants to.

ratspeaker Tue 12-Feb-13 13:34:59

Could be someone else in the family been pressuring them to make your lad a page boy .Seems odd they didn't mention it before
If they've bought an outfit, dress him in that, smile through gritted teeth. It's their day. They may want a certain colour scheme.
I would email to say thank you for considering DS as a pageboy, he is a bit prone to the terrible twos at the moment, will they be OK with that. That gives them an "out" if indeed they're being pressured from elsewhere.

Keep your outfit to change him into when he gets muddy, spills juice, feels uncomfortable

LittleChimneyDroppings Tue 12-Feb-13 13:54:27

Let him wear the outfit and tell them that he probably wont join in anyway. But at least they can have the photos afterwards.

hatsybatsy Tue 12-Feb-13 14:03:35

ds was a page boy for SIL when he was 23 months. he wore the outfit and was in some of the photos - the rest of the time he was running around and enjoying himself.surely no one is expecting anything more from a 2 year old wedding attendant?

as long as the outfit is comfortable and fits him, I'd go with it. You can take your outfit back and buy him something else.

catus Tue 12-Feb-13 14:05:15

YABU. I suspect you're letting your feelings for SIL cloud your judgement.
The facts are simple: they want your DS to be a pageboy, and bought him an outfit. I really don't see how you can say no without being rude.
At the end of the day, it's just an outfit.

Narked Tue 12-Feb-13 14:10:10

I would try to go and see them in person or call them and explain that you are totally fine with your DS being a pageboy but that you felt it only fair to warn them that as he's two his behaviour is unpredictable and whilst he could be perfect he might also run wailing to you in the middle of the Dum Dum De Dums. And that you're very happy for him to wear their outfit. You'll bring your one as a backup as he may need a change of clothes.

Is it possible that they've been pressured into 'choosing' him by your MIL? So that they might think you were put out that they hadn't picked him?

PFB vs Bridezilla. It's like Mega Shark v Giant Octopus

Sniggering at this grin

ladymariner Tue 12-Feb-13 14:34:21

My godson was 2 and we wanted him as pageboy at our wedding. He wore a miniature version of the men's morning suits and he looked gorgeous. Not that you see him on any of the photos as no way did he want to be in them and so no way did we make him.....we knew as a toddler it would be touch and go whether he acted up or not but it was having him there that mattered to us, not whether he was actually 'being a pageboy'. He actually spent the first part of the service sitting on the steps to the pulpit and the second part sitting next to my mother who'd got a handbag stuffed with sweeties for just that reason.....

So yes I do think YABU, after all that grin

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