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to think I should give my husband a new arsehole for thinking he actually lives in 1953?

(74 Posts)
MyPreciousRing Mon 11-Feb-13 23:14:05

My husband made a comment earlier that I should actually do all the house work as that is 'women's work'... He thinks that because he cooks and subsequently washes and dries that is his work done! I pointed out that I earn twice what he does but he thinks this doesn't make any difference as house work is woman's work! So I'd like to rip him a new arsehole, am I being unreasonable?

FutTheShuckUp Tue 12-Feb-13 07:44:27

I think the earning comment is relevent actually. in the 50's the man would be the breadwinner and the wife would be a 'kept' woman. I think what the OP was trying to point out was her DH cant have the part of a traditional 50's household when it suits!

mumof3boys01 Tue 12-Feb-13 07:52:56

I'm a bit new to this,but think this is a thread about a thread and a bit of a reverse Aibu smile

mumof3boys01 Tue 12-Feb-13 07:56:24

Can't link but a thread a bit further down about asking if his wife should be doing more house work as she is a artist at home looking after a teenager,if it is I think you should get of your lazy arse and do more grin

ChasedByBees Tue 12-Feb-13 08:40:03

Exactly Fut. if OP was a 1950's housewife she wouldn't be adding anything to the household budget. How would your DH cope with the sudden withdrawal of your entire salary OP? I wouldn't bother playing games though, I would actually LTB as I couldn't respect a man who was so small minded and pathetic.

DreamingOfTheMaldives Tue 12-Feb-13 08:51:00

That was my reading of the OP too Fut and Chasedby

PearlyWhites Tue 12-Feb-13 09:11:07

No advice sorry, but 50 shades your name made me laugh out loud grin

HecateWhoopass Tue 12-Feb-13 09:33:10

Is it, mumof3? Which one? I bloody hate those! grin

HecateWhoopass Tue 12-Feb-13 09:34:10

sorry. Just saw your second post

DeWe Tue 12-Feb-13 09:41:01

Act concerned for his health. My dgran knew exactly which year it was when she had dementia-it was 1948 and don't you deny it. grin

EarlyMorningBaconDemon Tue 12-Feb-13 09:48:50

The way I see it is: Including travelling time, it all depends on how often they work.

Let's say, for an average, that the housework is a seperate full-time job that requires 40 hours of commitment a week. If a man is working 40 hours and a woman is working 20 hours, then the woman should do 30 hours of housework and the man should do 10. That evens it up to each doing 50 hours of "work" a week, meaning they get the same amount of leisure time etc etc.

Likewise, if a woman works 37 hours a week and a man works 12, the man works 32-33 hours of housework and the woman does the other 7-8 hours.

If a man is working 50 hours a week including travelling to and fro, and a woman is working the same, HIRE A BLOODY CLEANER! grin

Am I daft for thinking like that?

MyPreciousRing Sat 16-Feb-13 01:03:51

To clarify: I made the comment about my wage because as the main breadwinner and also working on average ten hours per week more than my husband then I think it's only fair that he does at least as much as me around the house. I would be happy if we did 60 \ 40 opposed to the current 90\10 split we have currently. My apologies to anybody who thinks I was being an arse by banging on about what I earned in comparison to him

Bogeyface Netherlands Sat 16-Feb-13 01:12:31

I agree that getting a cleaner glosses over the issue rather than dealing with it, and that her earnings are relevant. If womans work is the house then his work is to bring in all the money. He cant have it both ways.

Personally I would go on strike so he can see just how much you do.

Bogeyface Netherlands Sat 16-Feb-13 01:13:00

A thought.....has he ever lived alone, or did his mummy do everything for him?

Bogeyface Netherlands Sat 16-Feb-13 01:14:15

A further thought.

I wonder if his attitude of you doing the housework is connected with you earning twice what he does. "Yeah she earns more than me, but she still washes my pants and scrubs the floor so I am better than her..."

Astelia Sat 16-Feb-13 02:07:31

Assuming this is real and not a thread about a thread. Has he shown neanderthal tendencies before OP or is this a new development?

You both need to have the same amount of leisure time so it is up to the two of you to sort the jobs between you so you can sit down together at roughly the same time.

I read on another thread some great house ideas and one MNer has had two dishwashers installed. I like the sound of that. If you have room, there's an idea.

Kafri Sat 16-Feb-13 07:03:35

my dh had a habit if thinking that anything he did around the house was just to help me out. it took many times of pointing out that the house/mess was as much his as mine and he was just as responsible for cleaning it up.

I actually think the op's comment about earnings is relevant in this case as if her (d)h thinks we're still in the 50s and it's women's work to clean then surely it's mens work to earn and support? while op fannies around in her frilly white apron

I still tell dh that if he expects me to do all the housework, then i expect him to earn enough to support us to allow me to stay at home to do it all. I don't mind doing more read: I'm fussy and like some things done a certain way but I'll be dammed if I'm working the same hours as him then coming home to all the chores while he sits on his backside watching tv.

YANBU OP, get him bloody told. shape up or ship out!

MyPreciousRing Sat 16-Feb-13 09:05:37

He lived at home until he met me. Has learned to cook and does this well. I will try the going on strike idea although it will kill me as I like the house to be clean and tidy - do fly lady etc. How long do I 'strike' for? And just his mess or leave everything?

inadreamworld Sat 16-Feb-13 09:14:14

I do all the housework as I am a sahm. However if I went out to work (even if earned less than DH) then I would expect him to share the housework - so YANBU for expecting him to do his share. Not sure about the anger of some of the responses though - there are worse faults than being old fashioned. Is he a good husband in other ways?

inadreamworld Sat 16-Feb-13 09:29:50

Going on strike might be a good idea though - he can't have it both ways - either you have a traditional role, do all the housework and he financially supports you as a sahm or he does his share. When he says it is womens work why dont you say that going out to work is mens work as the breadwinner so you are quitting your job and he can give you a weekly allowance! See what he says!!!

TheLibrarianOok Sat 16-Feb-13 09:55:44

I know of 2 marriages which came to grief in the end over this very thing. It isn't trivial because when a partner feels unsupported and has to take the parent role, that leaks out into other parts of the marriage in the long term and does real and terrible damage.

This is how we dealt with it. For a fixed period - say 3 months - you swap everything. So anything you usually do, he does and vice versa. This is the easiest way and less stressy than making lists. It also gives each partner the experience of what the other has had.

Importantly, there should be no criticsm of how the other partner does the job. It's not 'you have to do it to my standard or it isn't right'. It's hard but you have to think well that's not my responsibility any more.

At the end of 3 months you can readjust the work balance more fairly.

After many years of trying other ways, this worked for us. And it had benefit in other areas of our marriage. After all, if you're stuck in a parent child marriage that's not so good for your sex life either! grin

Not saying that your marriage is like that though - some people can just be selfish entitled tits. Best he has a look at why he's like he is and feels entitled to have the attitude he does.

Bogeyface Netherlands Sat 16-Feb-13 10:58:15

For the strike, you do your stuff and nothing else, but I wouldnt go into it without warning him first. Explain how you feel about the inequality, draw up a list of who does what and if she still pulls the old "Its your work" line THEN say that you are only doing your own washing etc. If you like it tidy, put his mess in a bin bag and leave it on his side of the bed. He will soon realise that the fairies dont do it.

His lack of respect is not on and tbh, if that doesnt work then you need to consider a) counselling and b) your future. How would it be after you had a child and went back to work?

KellyMarieTunstall Sat 16-Feb-13 12:49:59

He is trying to pull you down .

"You,Miss high and mighty ,with your well paid job - we'll see who's the boss around here "

With his own live in maid he is obviously the better person and you are where you belong -barefoot in the kitchen of his house .What you do in your little job is of no consequence to him -in his house he is the one who calls the tunes.

MyPreciousRing Sat 16-Feb-13 13:18:45

He thinks it's all a big joke tbh. He's a great husband in all other ways: kind, caring, complimentary, funny, affectionate and loving. He just seems to suffer blind spots in house. I've done all 'my' washing up so far today. His odds and sodds are already building up - he was laughing saying that by next week his side of bed will look like something off those programmes about hoarders. #sigh# This will be a tough battle me-thinks.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell Sat 16-Feb-13 13:27:13

There is no womens/men's work. There is no 'he earns X I earn Y'. The rule should be this, and only this:

Do you have the same amount of leisure time? If you work more hours than him, his extra hours should be spent on the housework; then whatever is left is divided between you. This comes before leisure, it comes before hobbies. If one of you has a hobby that requires time out of the house at non-negotiable times, fine, but it doesn't mean the other one does all the work, it means it's made up for later.

If you have kids, you take it on faith that the parent who is looking after them has done their best to both parent and do housework; so some days that means the kids were hard and there's more housework left over at the end of the working day, on other days it's been easy and the house is clean. Regardless; what is left over by the kids' bedtime is shared work.

House work that benefits the whole household - cooking, cleaning - comes before house work that benefits the individual - ironing one's own clothes, making a lunch sandwich. The former needs to e done before the latter.

Anyone who claims 'your standards are too high I don't notice mess so it shouldn't be my prolem" is lying. They would notice quick smart if it wasn't done for them.

I do not understand what is hard about all of this.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell Sat 16-Feb-13 13:29:43

Don't do the ridiculous strike thing. Don't play this game. He will treat it as a game, as a power play. You need to sit down and say: you are disrespecting me. You are telling me that your desire for leisure time trumps mine, that you don't think I'm an equal person with the same rights as you. I have the right to live in a clean house, and I have the right to some leisure time, and if you loved me and respected me you would work with me to make this fair. You care more about 'winning' this battle than you do about my happiness.

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