To not want to go back to work right yet, and want to spend time with my 2mth old?

(43 Posts)
M0naLisa Mon 11-Feb-13 21:18:49

My DH doesnt work, his work ending in August last year due to them relocating down south. Since then he has tried and tired and tried to get work but nothing. He is on JSA which lets be honest doesnt stretch far, specially when the kids need new school shoes and money for school trips etc etc

Hes applied for 97 jobs in the last 6 weeks and not one reply. Nothing!!! Its getting very tedious now and making us both very angry that Recruitment agencies can advertise for 'Immediate Start' yet 3 weeks later they are apparently still 'waiting' for a start date from the company. Its ridiculous.

Today DH said 'We are both going to have to have a look for work'

Now im not bothered about looking for work. But last time i worked full time 40 hours per week and i found it hard leaving the kids with DH whilst he stayed at home with the kids - although we only had 2 then and DS1 was 3 and DS2 was a year old. I found myself getting more and more depressed, the work was hard and i found it difficult because of the work itself. I left after 10 months because my health was deteriorating. I was losing weight rapidly because i was constantly worrying if id done something wrong at work (doing orders for customers).

AIBU to want to spend time with my DS3 before going out to work and missing his first time milestones. I missed DS2 first time crawl, first steps and first proper word because i was working full time.

I have applied for some jobs by emailing companies and asking if they have any vacancies. If i was to go to work i have to have the job in town as no car at the moment. I just feel like its DHs way of getting out of going back to work so he can be the SAHD, take the kids to school on a morning, come home and go back to bed with DS3.

I suffered PND with DS2 and i feel if i go back to work now at 10 weeks PP that i will start to suffer again.

AIBU and selfish? I feel i am sad

M0naLisa Wed 13-Feb-13 11:21:21

i am physically but not mentally.

Chunderella Tue 12-Feb-13 20:27:53

Are you actually fit for work yet OP? Not everyone is at 10 weeks pp. If you are then fair enough, but I personally only felt like I'd be capable of going back into a workplace at about 10 weeks pp and plenty of people have worse pregnancies and births. So I can see how some women genuinely wouldn't be physically and mentally fit for it so soon after. If you are, then it sounds like you might have to do it. YANBU to feel as you do, but NBU won't put food on the table will it?

It sounds like a lot of the problems you previously had were related to worrying if you've done something wrong. Maybe self employment would suit you better, then, and you're lucky that you have the skillset to allow you to do that. You mentioned having difficulty finding beautician work through Facebook, but I'm sure there are other advertising avenues you haven't explored.

M0naLisa Tue 12-Feb-13 19:03:25

I also have a Beauty Therapy Level 2 Diploma but even advertising for simple Beauty treatments like Eyebrow shapes etc goes no where on Facebook. I can do Minx too which would earn me anything from £10 to £20 depending on my charges.

M0naLisa Tue 12-Feb-13 19:02:21

DH is looking and applying for any work that he is able to do, even some jobs that he has no experience in (obviously if the job states no experience needed) from warehouse to aerial work to office work to driving. Hes done it all.

Ive got Sales, Retail, Administration and Reception experience.

Im not entitled to SMP as my last job was in October 2011 and that was for only 4 weeks.

I would love to go back to work to earn money and be able to buy nice things etc but i will miss out on the early months with DS. Me and DH spoke last night, he could tell i was abit upset about me going back to work and he said he wouldnt expect me to go back to work so soon anyway. Its frustrating for us both. Specially now our car has broken sad

fromparistoberlin Tue 12-Feb-13 15:13:03

I really feel for you OP

and I feel for your DH too

But what can you do?? The need for $$$$ is higher than the need for bonding time.

OP what do you do? as this is quite a big factor. as being a working Mum with a sahp is NOT the end of the world

But huge sympathies for you all xxxxx

DeafLeopard Tue 12-Feb-13 14:38:15

Like poshfrock I was the major earner with both DCs and was back at work by 8 weeks first time and 10 weeks second time. It was horrible - emotionally and physically draining, but we couldn't survive without my wages, there was no choice.

Really hope he finds something soon.

MineOrk Tue 12-Feb-13 14:37:59

I also truly feel for your situation and think it could lead to depression. However, it is not anyone's fault and simply has to be addressed. Unless your DH is a knob or there is some other parenting issue then you have to look at working. You can make it be a positive choice.

I was in this situation with DC1 went back to work full time when he was 11 weeks, continued to BF, coslept and if I missed any firsts people were tactful enough not to mention it. With DC3 went back to work 12 hour shifts 3 days a week when he was 4 m, again coped and BF. Yes would rather have had different and there were tears at first, but also was good as well as necessary for us. It will be for the best long run.

StuntGirl Tue 12-Feb-13 14:36:59

YANBU at all to not want to work with such a young baby. I just couldn't have done it. Your Dh needs to try a bit harder. Stick to your guns if you really don't want to do it.

That is a fucking awful attitude to have Nelly. Maybe the OP needs to work harder at supporting her family, which might mean working out of the home for a while. It goes both ways.

poshfrock Tue 12-Feb-13 14:30:49

OP it is a horrible thing to have to do but sometimes needs must. I went back to work when my DD was 10 weeks old so that I could pay the mortgage and buy food to feed us all. DH was working but his pay was less than half of mine at the time so barely covered the basics. I never saw her first steps or heard her first words. On the plus side I hardly did any potty training and the terrible twos just passed me right by - all done by the nursery staff who were wonderful.

givemeaclue Tue 12-Feb-13 14:28:19

I can see how you would feel like that jelly, what a terrible experience, glad you have your 4 dcs now.

jellybeans Tue 12-Feb-13 14:27:42

I know someone who delivers catalogues and parcels part time and takes the baby with her in the car. Just another idea.

jellybeans Tue 12-Feb-13 14:25:55

givemeaclue, yes I would even if had to claim benefits. I physically could not have left my younger 3.But I had a hideous time having them, two prior stillbirths-one before the twins and one before youngest, multiple problems with DC3's pregnancy (preterm labour again at 21 weeks), severe post traumatic stress etc etc. Without all that it is hard to say as I am a different person now. With the older 2 I would have been fine to work p / t if DH was home.

wanderingcloud Tue 12-Feb-13 14:24:45

Really, really feel for you OP.

Supporting a family is hard work and having to leave your little one when they are so young is unspeakably hard. I know from experience myself that it can lead to depression and impact on your health.

But someone needs to do it, if your DH can't get suitable work and you can, then that is what you will have to do.

Don't think it helps to hear that other people couldn't have done it hmm some people simply don't have the luxury of having that choice.

SamSmalaidh Tue 12-Feb-13 14:24:08

YANBU to want to stay at home with the baby.

YWBU to refuse to try to make some money when your DH is looking for a job and your family need the money.

If you don't want to go out to work, then you need to find something you can do from home or in the evenings/weekend. How about:
Childminding
Advertise yourself as an evening babysitter
Selling Avon/Usborne Books
Running a music/baby signing class
Couple of evenings in a pub
Saturday job in a shop

Of course, your DH needs to keep looking for work too.

givemeaclue Tue 12-Feb-13 14:22:38

Jellybeans, would yet have made same decision if your family had no income though?
It's a tough situation

givemeaclue Tue 12-Feb-13 14:21:43

All those saying try harder, her dh has applied for 97 jobs!

givemeaclue Tue 12-Feb-13 14:20:29

60 days paternity leave? Norm people get ten days, and its said at smp rate. You are very fortunate.

Op I feel for you, but your dh is right

jellybeans Tue 12-Feb-13 14:19:53

YANBU. I do think the mum has more right to stay home with a young baby. At least for the first 9 months to a year. That is the maternity leave period. I know it can go to the dad but that should be if the mothers chooses to go back. I would leave DH to look for work personally. I went back early (not that early though but before 12 months) with DD1 but with the other 4 have been a SAHM. Nothing unreasonable about a mother wanting to stay home with her young child. It seems taboo to say it these days as it is politically correct to treat mothers and fathers the same even though biologically the mother is involved much more with a young baby.

NellysKnickers Tue 12-Feb-13 14:17:07

YANBU at all to not want to work with such a young baby. I just couldn't have done it. Your Dh needs to try a bit harder. Stick to your guns if you really don't want to do it.

honeytea Tue 12-Feb-13 14:12:54

My dp has 60 days paternity leave that he has to take and most people take it out at the end of the parental leave time but me and DP thought (before the baby was born) that it would be nice for dp to have one pappa day a week for rather than him taking 2 months out.

At the moment I am feeling like it would work better for us to do it the more traditional way so I have a year off and then DP has DS for 2 months just before DS starts daycare.

Sorry about the thread highjack!

TheDoctrineOfSciAndNatureClub Tue 12-Feb-13 12:56:37

Honeytea:
If you were comfortable to do it, your employer should allow you to build breaks into the day to express in the corner of a cafe. Or a school may well have a place you can use. You might have to pump and dump if you are running between meetings with no fridge (though a cool bag might help) but if you are working one day a week then expressing extra on other days for the dumped feeds might well be possible. Or if your work is local, you might be able to meet DH and baby somewhere?

Obviously do what works best for you, but just some thoughts. What age were you thinking of going back?

Lovelygoldboots Tue 12-Feb-13 10:38:25

Monalisa, just one thing. Don't know if rules have changed but you should be entitled to SMP even if you have left your previous job and you are not already claiming. That may make a difference to your situation.

honeytea Tue 12-Feb-13 09:38:06

I suppose it depends on what jobs op and her husband are applying for and what qualifications they both have, if there is an equal chance that op and her dp would get a job and op is breastfeeding I personally think the dp should work but if the baby is formula fed there is no reason why op has more right to be at home.

The problem for me expressing and working is that I travel between people's houses and schools by public transport so I don't have an office space or staff room I could express in, I am all for the right to breastfeed in public but I'm not sure I could express on the tube or in a cafe.

DreamingOfTheMaldives Tue 12-Feb-13 09:09:34

Honeytea, what part of my DH has been trying to find work since August is so difficult to understand. He has applied for 97 jobs in the last 6 weeks. It's not as simple as if the OP is breast feeding her DH should go back to work.

AndBingoWasHisNameOh Tue 12-Feb-13 09:03:25

I do sympathise about not wanting to go back quite yet but then you say this

"AIBU to want to spend time with my DS3 before going out to work and missing his first time milestones. I missed DS2 first time crawl, first steps and first proper word because i was working full time."

If you want to watch all of these you'll need to be at home for 12-18 months and YWBU to want to stay home for that long if your husband isn't working.

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