to not know what unconditional parenting is?!

(853 Posts)
GirlOutNumbered Mon 11-Feb-13 20:54:19

Just read it on a thread. I have no idea what this is?

GirlOutNumbered Tue 12-Feb-13 12:12:59

I think I know an UP'er. They home school and have twins that basically do as these please. She said 'they make their own boundaries', while I just watched in horror.

CHildren are not capable of making their own boundaries. Every year I see new teachers get eaten alive and the common mistake is not having boundaries closely followed by not enforcing any sanctions.

Zappo Tue 12-Feb-13 12:15:16

I tried to do it (certain aspects of it). I have a daughter who is kind and very well behaved at school and in public.

I'll be honest here...

And although I can work with her to resolve most things and I was lucky enough to be able to potty train without sticker charts or rewards, I do find it almost impossible to stop her from hurting/hassling her baby sister when she's tired and it's then I wished I had something in my armoury. I do get frustrated and end up shouting from time to time (not UP) but that doesn't work.

Consequences (as tried by my DH) don't really work with her anyway because sometimes she wants to hassle her sister more than she wants this toy or that toy and if I did use time out or some other tool, she would just get more resentful of her sister. It wouldn't stop her doing it.

Light at the end of tunnel though as they are starting to become friends. It's those after school blips that are the problem and only sleep or food cures that sort of mood- punishment or consequences don't have a chance in hell in my house.

pigletmania Tue 12-Feb-13 12:17:41

What a load of bollcks. Chidren need to know boundaries and between what's acceptable and what's not. As adults we perform for reward, we go to wrk and get paid, chidren should be prepared for adult life and for work, we have to conform and abde by societal norms a rules, discipline reapers chidren for that. Who the hell do you reason with a tantrumming toddler hmm. Will try ec with my 12 month ds in a few weeks though, will put him on the potty at regular times

ivanapoo Tue 12-Feb-13 12:17:49

What I don't get is how you stop other people disciplining your child in the trad way eg praising them. Complete strangers will say things like "what a lovely dress" or "aren't you clever!" to kids - and then if the parents don't praise them might they not think the parents don't approve/care?

Zappo Tue 12-Feb-13 12:21:59

A lot of UP parents do praise but instead of saying "good jumping" or "Well done" every five minutes, they will be a loit more descriptive.

Surely the best thing to is a little bit of every method, depending on age, circumstance and situation.

It is important for children to learn that actions have consequences and sometimes ones they can not fully appreciate, so it is best as a parent to help them understand those consequences- my now 3yo when she was 18months could get out of her car seat. Not sure how UP would suggest I handled that but we felt it was dangerous enough to give a negative consequence for and praise/rewards when she didn't do it. We obviously tried things like distraction when we saw it happening but not always possible on a busy road if you are the only adult in the car.

I feel with most of these parenting techniques its like diet moderation in all things and do what is best for child and family.

Fairenuff Tue 12-Feb-13 12:23:45

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pigletmania Tue 12-Feb-13 12:26:52

As adults we cannot do as we please and make up our own rules, well to a certain extent but we have rules and norms and laws within society tat as an adult you have to follow. Chidren need boundaries and guidence and discipling if tey do wrong

Maryz Tue 12-Feb-13 12:29:27

I'm not sure that diagnosis of ASD/ADHD etc is due to UP though, Fairenuff.

That is an entirely different discussion.

A child won't be diagnosed with ODD because his parents don't insist on him getting up in the morning.

GirlOutNumbered Tue 12-Feb-13 12:34:02

So home schooling - when does that normally stop?
I am just wondering what happens to the UP'ed, home schooled child when they are 15-16? THe world must be a strange place?

MoominmammasHandbag Tue 12-Feb-13 12:34:56

Hmmm I know a few kids who are parented along these lines and they seem to rub everyone up the wrong way to be honest. Teachers are annoyed because they are frequently late for school and uncooperative, similarly any adult who has the misfortune to be supervising them in an out of school activity. But the sad thing for me is that a lot of kids raised like this seem to struggle with their friendships. Maybe they are just too used to used to getting their own way.

Reading this thread it has just dawned on me that I have raised my kids like dogs: lots of love and praise but also lots of discipline. My kids are all happy and successful and great socially (much better than me) so it has worked for us.

LadyBeagleEyes Tue 12-Feb-13 12:36:27

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mrsjay Tue 12-Feb-13 12:37:39

I agree with you moomin I have heard a story of a child at primary who thought it was ok to shout out in class but in conversations, tell a teacher they were wrong, and when the parent was told about her childs behaviour the teacher was told well she is an equal and entitled to be heard shock the parent was swiftly told that her child was a child and had to wait her turn in class.

OscarPistoriusBitontheside Tue 12-Feb-13 12:37:54

My aunt basically did this with her two, now are both adults and less pleasant people you couldn't meet. Neither think that there is a world beyond them and both get very upset when you suggest that they may be slightly out of touch. I have little to do with them.

Maryz Tue 12-Feb-13 12:38:50

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mrsjay Tue 12-Feb-13 12:39:29

No, no don't. That would be unfair. I only noticed it in active, but there's no point in ranting "ffs, you are a loon" at the op, she is doing her best.

i just went for a read didnt post honest i was a good girl wink

pigletmania Tue 12-Feb-13 12:44:26

Totally agree moonin, it seems chikdren raised like this are totally egocentric and grow up to be the same as adults. Seems like lazy parenting if you ask me

I stay away from UC threads because they make me v judgmental. And likely to get banned from MN if I said what I really think.

Sometimes, as a parent I don't have the time or resources to discuss the issue. Or let the consequences play out. Or find out how my child
Is feeling about a certain situation. Sometimes They just have to do what I say because I am a grown up and as a general rule I know better than them.

And as Flump pointed out, all of my parenting is unconditional. Otherwise I'd have left them out for the wolves ages ago grin

Its a fab taking bits of parenting that most people have always done and adding in extremes that cannot and do not work. The parents that fall for this shit, tend to have little faith in their own ability to parent and need to have the fall back of some numpties words to make them feel like they are successful in their raising of children.

I read it and weep and laugh at the same time and await ten years time when another fad sweeps the guliables and takes their money.

LaQueen Tue 12-Feb-13 12:50:43

It's where you take your 5 year old, on the plane, and your child refuses to buckle their seat belt, and you won't insist they do it, or forcibly do it for them (because that's disciplining them, or constraining their freedom, or some such fuckwittery), which then necessitates a very lenghty debate with the cabin crew...

I know because I read exactly that post on MN, from someone who did Unconditional Parenting shock

And, presumably, all the while, the rest of the cabin were boring Hate Stares into the back of the parent's head, and the cabin staff were inconvenienced, and possibly take off was delayed... hmm

But, apparently, that didn't seem to occur to the UP parent hmm Because, they appear to exist in a little bubble, a top their ivory tower.

LaQueen Tue 12-Feb-13 12:54:13

[sits on hands...]

Keep me away from the UP thread...please keep me away...noooooo, I can feel myself slipping...help me, help meeeeeeeeeee....

Fairenuff Tue 12-Feb-13 12:54:40

Yes Maryz you are right, of course. Those are separate issues. But there is an increase in behavioural difficulties in young children that must come from somewhere. Or maybe it's just the next generation raising these children and I'm officially an old gimmer.

Oooh, the youth of today grin

mrsjay Tue 12-Feb-13 12:57:19

<rugby tackles laqueen >

LadyBeagleEyes Tue 12-Feb-13 12:58:07

I had this when my ds was about 3 and refused to put his seat belt on.
It took one sharp word from the steward and he immediately complied, just before tantrum stage thank God.
He never did it again, funnily enough.

mrsjay Tue 12-Feb-13 12:58:11

not including ASD and other things I agree with you fairenuff

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