to end a pregnancy without DH's knowledge

(151 Posts)
uggbug Mon 11-Feb-13 20:15:42

Background: I am once of those idiots who I have always laughed at who has fallen PG by accident. After my DD2 I went on to Cerazette which made my hair fall out even more. Ditched it, made DH use condoms. He would (TMI) put it in pre the really exciting part to 'see how nice it feels'. Then take it and put condom on. Yes I am a fool, a twat and all those other things. I am 34 and have behaved like a thick 14 yr old. He said among other things (correctly)...'come on, it took 18 mths to get PG with DD2 - you're not going to get PG with some foreplay'. WRONG WRONG WRONG.

Anyway. Am PG. 2-3 weeks. 100% no more kids for me. Our marriage only just survived the last 2. He says he doesn't want any more, but I suspect when confronted with this situation may or may not be 1%+ in doubt of that. If I tell him, then insist on a very early (drugs) termination, I run the risk that he will secretly hate me for ever. Every time we talk about 'ha ha,2 is enough isn't it!' it will be tainted by this memory. He may see me as a hard bitch. It may break us in the long term?

I am considering just going to doc tomorrow and doing it. On my own. No support. Will have to go through it by myself. No 'lesson' for DH that you can't just push to have sex as you like and get away with it (I am taking equal responsibility here BTW).

BUT no guilt for me relating to him. He never knows. He is already stressed to the max at work. I know he should have a say, but what is the point if I AM NOT HAVING ANOTHER, EVER?

??? Flame away. I am agonising.

IneedAsockamnesty Mon 11-Feb-13 20:18:19

Your body totally up to you who you do or don't tell.

tinygreendragon Mon 11-Feb-13 20:20:15

You know you both did something wrong and in your mind you should have to deal with it on your own?

No way. He was also in the wrong and should support you while you both deal with it.

ELR Mon 11-Feb-13 20:21:06

You know best but old you live with the secret?

HollyBerryBush Mon 11-Feb-13 20:21:14

Wow. Thats a big secret to keep.

You do realise you can never tell you mum, sister, best friend dont you? it will be your secret until your grave? You can never let it out anywhere.

If you are strong enough to compartmentalise your life like that , then me/we/us on MN can't advise you - we can only support you in your decision.

Xales Mon 11-Feb-13 20:21:35

If it is the right thing for you then I think you should do it and stay quiet.

Just be aware is it something you will keep to yourself always? No dropping it in an argument to hurt him or telling someone else. As soon as you tell one other person it is no longer a secret.

Tough decision

/hugs

ELR Mon 11-Feb-13 20:21:53

Could you live with the secret I mean

calandarbear Mon 11-Feb-13 20:22:17

It's up to you, but is there anyone else you trust to go with you because it's a hard hard thing to do alone.
It's not something I could keep from my husband but YANBU to deal with it however it is best for you.

propertyNIGHTmareBEFOREXMAS Mon 11-Feb-13 20:22:31

Yanbu. Your fanny, your decision entirely.

saycheeeeeese Mon 11-Feb-13 20:22:51

How will it make you feel OP?

Personally I believe its your decision in the end but lies/deceit never end well.

YouOldSlag Mon 11-Feb-13 20:23:07

He will learn nothing if you keep it a secret, and it will therefore happen again. This is his problem too.

It's your body and your choice. Make that choice first then have a think about your actual relationship, and whether or not you want to stay in it as it doesn't sound all that good.

deleted203 Mon 11-Feb-13 20:24:38

I wouldn't flame you, because you are in a sad situation and I can see why you are feeling like this. I honestly don't think you should terminate a pregnancy without telling him, though. It feels like a huge thing to keep from someone, and whilst I agree that if you absolutely don't want this baby it should be your decision, I still think he has the right to know about it. I just can't feel that it bodes well for your marriage if you do this without his knowledge.

Kyrptonite Mon 11-Feb-13 20:25:13

I would do it. I was also tempted with DD but couldn't go through with it. We've now separated because he wants me to abort DC3 and I won't.

It's a tough decision to make. What if you let it slip one day and he found out? It's also fucking painful and your hormones will be all over the place for a while so you would need to consider explaining that.

AThingInYourLife Mon 11-Feb-13 20:26:13

YANBU

You don't have to tell anyone.

He doesn't get a say unless you want him to.

BinksToEnlightenment Mon 11-Feb-13 20:26:56

It's your secret if you want to keep it - but I don't think you should. I don't think it's something you should go through alone.

lannyshrops Mon 11-Feb-13 20:28:11

Hmmmm...I would talk this through with my DH. It took the two of you to create this situation and i dont think its fair to expect one of you to make the decision.

I really would advise talking this through with someone in RL as either decision has potential far reaching consequences which I suggest need to be explored.

I cannot say if YABU or not, it's really not my call.

Good luck with whatever you decide, I hope you can find the right decision for you

SirBoobAlot Mon 11-Feb-13 20:30:29

It's entirely up to you, but I think if you don't tell him, and it comes out at some point down the line, that may cause more problems than a difficult discussion now.

Un-MN hugs to you either way though.

I understand your point of view, and I'd be inclined to do the same in your position, but YOU weren't the only one acting like an immature teenager, he was too and this pregnancy is also the consequence of HIS behaviour.

So why should you be the only one to bear the emotional responsibility? He's just going to carry on being casual about the risks and then what are you going to do? Push him off you in bed next week and say "Well, actually..."?

foslady Mon 11-Feb-13 20:30:38

You do in life what you need to do. No flaming here, if you think it's for the best, then do it. If you think you are strong enough to tell him and stick with your decision, then do it. Only you know your dh.........think of all the options in 5 years time and go for that path

Icelollycraving Mon 11-Feb-13 20:30:58

Aibu is quite a harsh place,do you want a flaming?
You may get one,you just never know on mn.
Fwiw,I think you should do what you think is right for your life. Agree with the person who said you wouldn't be able to tell anyone ever if you don't tell him. No telling someone after too many glasses of wine,no reprisals in the future.
Have no idea what you should do,but mn can be a bloody godsend when you need support.

Which all sounds really mean. I'm Sorry. It's a horrible position to be in, don't make it worse by bearing the whole burden yourself - he could be really supportive and helpful if you let him.

BagCat Mon 11-Feb-13 20:32:18

Every woman is entitled to her own private choice (goes without saying) but I know I could never keep a secret like that from my husband, I'd feel too bad. I think I come from the side of being able to tell him exactly how you feel and him being understanding and supportive because for you it would be for the all round good.

Him finding out something like that in the future would be a complete disaster and who knows in 20 years if you might let it out, feel guilty, etc.

It is your choice though. 100%. Best wishes.

I had an abortion that I deeply regret every day. One thing I seriously lacked (because of the situation) was support.

Actually having an abortion is much much bigger than just saying "I would or I wouldn't". I am definitely pro-choice but OP I would really advise you at least tell someone (relative/friend) so that you've got support and someone to talk to should you need to.

In your situation I WOULD tell him, Yes it's your body and your choice but this situation involves him too I think he at least has a right to know.
There can be lots of unexpected and unwanted feelings and emotions after having an abortion and you may want to tell him then, i think it's better he knows before rather than after.

stickingattwo Mon 11-Feb-13 20:33:06

Your body your choice. No one can tell you if YABU or not.

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