to not want another DC if it means they have to be in nursery from being a baby?

(30 Posts)
alisunshine29 Mon 11-Feb-13 13:44:03

I have a 5 year old and DP and I have an 8 month old together. I am currently studying for a degree, then will be taking my PGCE and going into teaching. We would both like one, perhaps two, more babies but the problem is timing/money. When I complete my PGCE and go back to work (into teaching) full-time our baby will be 3 years old and will go to nursery school. She has a summer birthday so she will be at primary school the year after. In order to get my career established, I could do with working for at least 2/3 years before having a baby and going on maternity leave. This is the first thing that puts me off as it means that there would be an age gap of 11 years between new baby and DD1 which is pretty big. Also, in an ideal world I would like to be home with baby until they are at least 2.5/3 years old. DP would not be willing to support me financially to do this and has no problem with baby going straight into nursery full-time. Personally, I would rather not have a baby at all than have a baby that is in nursery all day every day. I realise many people do not have a choice in doing this and I am not criticising them; but I do have a choice and I do not want that for my family. DP has said he'll leave it up to me if we have more babies or not and as much as I would love more, having one in full-time nursery is not what I want. I was considering that we could try for one now/soon and so be at home with them while I complete my degree, then do my PGCE when they are 2.5/3 years old. I have enough savings to be able to support myself to be able to do this. DP puts in little input about what he thinks we should do; he agrees that ideally I'd be home with baby til 2.5/3 years but isn't willing to support me in doing so. AIBU to say no to more babies if it means they'd be in nursery for their entire early years?

EvenIfYouSeeAPoppy Mon 11-Feb-13 14:36:45

You shouldn't be having another baby with a man who 'sees the childcare as [your] problem/expense'. Really you shouldn't.

The leaving the decision up to you would annoy me too. We are currently considering a third - dh says it's up to me too but that's because we have the two he wanted and would be happy to just have them but would also happily welcome more - and would give whatever support, practical or financial, our circumstances and choices required, because they are his kids too. (And despite all this I do sometimes wish he would have a preference one way or another). It sounds as if your dp is saying it's up to you because he's disengaged. At best.

You're very young and while I understand not feeling you want a big age gap, they're not the end of the world. You do sound as if you are putting all sorts of conditions and specifications on your further family planning. Life isn't always amenable to such detailed planning.

calandarbear Mon 11-Feb-13 14:40:12

YANBU
I wouldn't have a baby knowing it would have to be in fulltime childcare. We will not have more children as due to redundancy DH no longer earns enough to support the family and we are claiming tax credits until I can return to work in september when youngest starts school. We had planned 4 children we have 2 it will now remain at 2 as even if circumstances change our oldest 6 and the age gap would be too bug for us.
The decision to have a child has to be one the couple are both 100% comfortable with.

calandarbear Mon 11-Feb-13 14:41:10

Too big obviously not too bug.

expatinscotland Mon 11-Feb-13 14:54:32

Don't have another baby with this person. You have plenty of time.

socharlottet Mon 11-Feb-13 15:04:14

I think you are thinking too far ahead.lots can change in a 5 or 6 years.
also I am not sure what the problem with a big age gap is?

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