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To walk out and 'hide' at my mums because of arguement with DH?(79 Posts)
DH travels regularly for work. Has early flight tmr so was going to go and stay at a hotel near the airport tonight so he doesn't have to get up at a mad hour to make the flight. He checked I was ok with that which was great. I was fine. Plan was that he left at 5pm today for the hotel.
He's a bit unwell and has been coughing all night. Said this morning he hadn't slept all morning so I took children downstairs. No problem with that.
He wakes at midday and comes down and says he is popping down to tesco. I asked if he could go after the children had been put down for middday nap so he can help me a bit I.e nappy change etc. He started getting stressed saying he still had to pack. So at this point I annoyed and say you have 5 hours left and what is the issue with going just half hour/hour later. At which point he walks away with a dissmissive "you always do this. Grow up!".
I became really mad and couldn't even speak so I just walkd out (perhaps proving how immature I am?). Now at my mums and wondering why I just flounced and how unreasonable I was? I know I should have talked to him as that would have been best way to handle and I know his work pays for everything as I'm a sahm. But seems every time he has a trip its all abt how important it is and I have to work around it. Perhaps I'm just tired as haven't had a lie-in for weeks! Sorry this is so long. Also, my DH isn't normally horrible. In fact a quiet spoken gentle guy. Just gets stressed about work related stuff and forgets that I may be stressed too.
mumsyblouse are you my husband?
Mumsy, OP was asking him to do something at midday the day before his flight. That's hardly "the very last minute".
(and she couldn't really ask him any earlier as he was having a lie-in while she looked after their children by herself)
* I just never questioned very much about how our work at home is unequal as saw it as my job since I'm the one at home so if children need tending then its me that does it. He will do it if asked but I have to request it. The default is that he is the one who gets a lie-in regardless of whether he has been/will travel. I really thought in real life most mums had same situation*
See I'm currently on maternity, so home with our DS. My H still comes home from work and baths him every night, gets up during the night at the weekend and will dress him, do nappy changes. He does this because he is his Daddy. He is our child, not mine. Plus it gives me a bit of time out.
When do you get a lie in OP? Where's your time off? I don't think being a sahm means 24/7. Your H doesn't work 24/7, he gets time off, why don't you? And having to request he helps with his own children, really?
Sane, no, it's not normal for the SAHM to not get any lie ins!
DH also has a v stressful job and works 12 hours a day, plus on call over nights. He will always insist I get one of the day on the weekend as my day, he has the other-though, neither of us take the piss and stay in bed till 12! 9am is the norm-the kids would be in by then desperate to see who was sleeping anyway!
I do do most of the domestic stuff and childcare, but when he is home, he is very much hands on. At the weekend the tasks are shared-otherwise that would mean I would be working a 7day week! Everyone deserves some time off. And as said above, the work I do at home, enables him to do his.
He travels regularly too, we live an hour from the airport, and no way would he book a hotel for the night before and go at 5 so he can have a nice meal and relax!!! He'd get up at 3.30 and leave quietly then.
I went out with DD today, got home to find, DS's busy and occupied under DH's watchful eye, whilst he did some ironing.
You need to talk, and properly, when he gets back. He needs to become a member of the family and start pulling his weight. Not a very good role model for your DC's really.
How about booking yourself into a hotel on a Sunday night and leaving home at 5pm to enjoy your meal and have a nice relaxing time and a good sleep before facing your working week at home? My DH gets very very stressed about work but he still acknowledges that I need a break and a rest, even though we only have one DS and he goes to school 9.30-2.
I can see why you were tired and fed up but going off to your mum's is very childish and will have really exacerbated the situation. You presumably signed up for three babies (unless they are triplets) when you know he travels quite a bit.
He will be feeling stressed about a very long journey, he has work pressures, he will probably be feeling guilty about leaving you on your own for so long. A massive argument just before he leaves, which you will both fester over for a fortnight isn't going to help.
I have opinion on who is at fault in the argument itself, but I think running off to mummy every time there is a minor argument (and presumably crying on her shoulder and telling her all about it, thereby casting your DH in a bad light with your family when you will no doubt be expecting them to love him again once the tiff is forgotten) is ALWAYS unreasonable. You are grow-ups in a marriage, not children who squabbled in the park! Keep your minor marital differences to yourself. It will come back to bite you if you keep trying to get your mother to side with you. It's not like you are actually fleeing for your own safety, is it?
Where that sounds great. It would be a dream to have DH mind the children AND do some ironing. I think this is one of the things I'm taking away from this thread. I'm going to leave him for an hour or two on a good weekend when he is not travelling and just go for a walk or meet a friend. Thus far, he has said he finds all the children together a little overwhelming. So will work towards this little by little.
Astelia and FN The travelling hasn't always been part of his work. Just for last year or so. Dh does agree with you. He says I signed up for the children so it's my thing. I understand that it was childish and an arguement just before he leaves is not good. I was wrong. However, I didn't speak to my mum about this-I agree with you here. I rarely speak about marital problems to anybody least of all my mum as this would just make her worry. I just went there, had a cuppa, a random chat and came back. Plus, she would agree with what you're both saying anyway and I know this. She did everything for my dad and I'm trying to emulate her but I'm not finding it easy or that it works for me. So I need to change things.
Casey I feel like you were there yesterday morning with me!
Did you take the children to your mum's?
Regarding the hotel the night before a flight would a compromise work?
If he is the sort of person who needs to be at the airport 3 hours before the flight then I can understand the hotel a little bit. A compromise would be that he enjoys the evening at home with you all then after children have gone to bed he goes to the hotel arriving in time to just go to bed. This business of having dinner at the hotel just sounds self-indulgent.
I can understand the hotel for an early flight.
But the airport is one hr away & he wants to leave at 5pm the night before??
That is taking the piss big time!
No evening meal together, no helping with bath/bedtime?
Yes OP did agree to the children-but does that mean he should do nothing towards helping??
I would spend this two weeks he is away having a major rethink. I would also think about returning to work.
"He says I signed up for the children so it's my thing."
He's a prick.
And he treats you like shit.
Why do you think you are a second class citizen and he's the only one who matters?
When do you get to fuck off to a hotel, wasting family money, so you can rest for no good reason at all.
He's obviously in the wrong line of work if he gets so stressed out by going in an aeroplane.
And so are you.
Being financially dependent on a chauvinist who thinks women are there to be skivvies for men is a bad place to be.
You need to go back to work and get some power back.
Right now he is grinding you down into nothing.
This is who you are now - a powerless woman with no money of her own who never gets to rest and has to tiptoe around her husband to ease the stress of going to an airport.
Thus far, he has said he finds all the children together a little overwhelming
-then he needs more practice at handling them on his own. Finding it overwhelming is not a get our clause. It just proves he doesn't do it enough.
It sounds like he regards the kids as your hobby not his children that he is equally responsible for!
This stuff about you "signed up" for the children just leaves me open mouthed in shock.
He says I signed up for the children so it's my thing.
I'd be tackling THAT outlook before I did anything else.
Good luck OP. I sympathise with your position.
Why are you trying to emulate your mother by doing everything for your husband? Do you actually think that's a good way to be? To live your life as a skivvy to someone else?
Frankly if my DH said I'd signed up for children and they were my thing I'd say fair enough we'd get out of his hair and he could go through the courts to get access.
Yes, I agree with everyone if there is a big imbalance in this relationship regarding the children that's not good. My husband would happily wave me off nice and early the day before a big even/flight knowing I do the same for him all the time. We also have sole care of the children when the other one is away, so sometimes it's him with the children on the weekend, other times it's me (and both as well of course).
So, I don't blame the person for wanting to get away and centre themselves before work, and I would travel in the daylight myself (especially with the snow warning) but my husband would willingly help me do that, because we take it in turns to help each other in our careers and both take our turns with childcare. If this is not the case, then nipping off early to the airport is indeed a cop out.
You have recognised there is a deeper problem here, but that there is a solution.
DH needs to "step up" and be a father and see his role as equal to yours
You both need to devise a plan on a weekend that finds a balance between you have 'me' time, DH having 'me' time, DH having 'kids alone' time and you all having family time.
Your situation sounds so familiar to me SaneAustin, it is entirely possible to change how things are, I did this. One of the things I realised with my family, was that I was "rescuing" DP every time DD cried, or things went a bit wrong, instead of letting him learn how to do it and then feeling good about himself when he figured it out himself.
I wish you all the best
Presumably he didn't want kids and you tricked him into getting you pregnant 3 times if its "your thing"? No? Then it's what he signed up for as well.
Being a sahm is both the best and worst job in the world. Working 24/7, doing the job of at least 4 people (nanny, cleaner, cook, chauffeur and I could go on) and not getting paid for it is shit. At least when it's acknowledged and appreciated it makes it easier to bear.
If your husband has such issues and gets so stressed about travelling then maybe he's in the wrong job, if I can pack for and travel with a 3 month old baby alone at short notice then he can definitely pack a few suits and a toothbrush.
My mil is as you describe your mother. I have had great difficulty training my husband out of thinking that his sole imput to the household is going to work and everything else is my "job" as he is the big important man. And I work! Nip this skewed, old fashioned way of thinking in the bud now.
fad hits the nail onthe head there with division/sharing of childcare.
he definitely shouldn't be trying to get out of looking after his kids by saying they're overwhelming all together.
yesterday, dh had a day off and I went to work with dd as usual. (I work in a shop and dd comes with me - 6 days a week)
normally, when dh is at work, he comes to me afterwards and takes over looking after dd. he makes us all lunch and changes nappies and takes her somewhere else. then we spent the rest of the afternoon together.
on his days off, hhe usually does stuff in the morning then does his usual workday routine (usually leaving us after lunch though)
yesterday we agreed he didn't have to come to the shop because he had much more to do. so ichanged all the nappies and made all the food and did all the childcare and looked after the shop all day on my own.
by the end of the day I was knackered, physically and mentally. I just wanted to curl up in a ball and sleep.
when I got home, dh took over completely. I bfd her and she went to sleep, dh did everything else all evening while I wound down on the internet.
that's how it should be, not expecting you to be that knackered woman every single day no matter what.
My husband ad I travel a lot for work, and long haul usually. We would NEVER stay away the night before. We live over an hour from the airport (most people do). He sounds like A bloody moron.
No I didn't take the children with me. I'd fed them their lunch already so they just needed to be put down for a nap which I let him know before I stumbled out feeling cross and out of sorts. I was very ashamed of self when I returned and they both grabbed me looking upset and lost. At same time this made me realise they should feel secure at home with their dad and not distressed when they are separated from me.
Will definitely put something in place to make things fairer and also calmer for me. Ive been making excuses to not talk about my feelings for long time. Was a bit worried that he may not take me seriously when in reality he probably would as he is not totally rubbish. Time for me to man up and be totally honest about feeling a bit unglued at times. That I need the help because sometimes I feel like I could just easily slink off for a full blubbering session. Bad habits (him) and enabling behaviour (me) has caused this.
I knew people would tell me I WBU for walking out. Needed to hear that yesterday to get me out of my mums house and back home as I was in a bit of a frozen state- not knowing how to be, whether he was right, I was too needy blah blah. I also can see now I totally could have gone about this a better way and not created stress at that particular time. BUT I didn't expect so many of you to understand where I'm coming from. Made me feel normal. Now I can really try and put down some family rules without feeling crazed and demanding which is why I've not been so assertive in this regard previously. Felt I didn't have this right as a sahm (pls don't blast me for this. I know this is contrary to popular feeling). This is how I've seen my mum being and no, I don't want that life completely and I see I do have a choice and some control.
SaneAusten, you are doing a great job, but you need to stop putting yourself last. Even if your DH doesn't like the new regime, or finds it hard to adjust, it will soon become habit and these dark days will soon be in the past.
If he finds the kids overwhelming then he should have nothing but sympathy and admiration for you, who manages it 24/7!
Going to your mum's might be a bit extreme but YANBU in general.
Being a SAHM doesn't mean your DH doesn't have to do any parenting, and that you never get a break. Had he done as he wanted yesterday he'd have lain in till 12, gone to Tesco, packed and left - leaving you doing solo childcare all day. Before leaving un-necessarily early to go to a hotel, before going on a business trip which may be a strain for him, but is also a strain for you as you're doing childcare without any backup at all while he's away.
Agree with josie.
If you hadn't intervened he would have got up at 12, mooched about Tesco's and buggered off at 5. He is mistaking his family man present for his Bachelor past. Frankly he is behaving like a lodger.
When he gets back, it's essential that he spends time alone with his own children i.e they are not just yours! Parenthood is what you make it:You get back what you put in. He sounds indifferent to it and is lumping the kids together as Your Job along with the housework.
If it were me, that attitude would have to change fast before I could carry on.
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