To been furious to the point of throwing him dh out!

(74 Posts)
Altinkum Sat 09-Feb-13 10:24:14

Ds1 nearly 7 is constantly hitting his brother and antagonising him, constantly winding him up, can't see him with toys, etc...

Now ds2 (3.5yrs) is not a angel child he has his moments, but nowhere near what ds1 subjects him too.

Both boys are well behaved to everyone else, expect each other.

Today within minutes of waking up, ds1 hit ds2 on his willy, kicked him!! So I put him on time out. Ds1 then complains he couldn't eat his sausage sandwich as itnkepy falling out the roll, so ds2 thinks he can help, but got nowhere near and ds1 swings at him sending ds2 juice cup to go flying and hurting his finger in the process.

This is just this morning, this happen several times a day, not to mention then constant fighting, winding each other up etc...

Dh believes it all ds2 fault as in his eyes ds1 his his blue eyes boy, ds2 has been called all sorts by dh and today ive had enough.

We both have regular arguments, as dh constantly undermines me infront of both DC, saying mummy is wrong, daddy is the best etc...

Ds plays Saturday league football, after the juice cup incident I told ds he can't go to football which he loves as nothing we are doing changing is behaviour. Dh sat and said nothing, then 5 mins before normal time to leave he tells ds to go and get his kit on, and that mummy is wrong, and its unfair and he will be letting the team down.

So they've left, I asked dh yesterday to take ds2 to the match, and he said no as its too cold and he's a pain in the arse, and he can't watch ds2 while supporting ds1.

Then as they were leaving he said he'd take ds2, I've said no as he's only taking him now asbhenhas a guilty conscious. So now I'm left with a upset 3 year old.

Now I don't know if I am over protective of ds2, as we are constantly told how much hard work he is, what a pain in the arse he is, his grandparents will take ds1, and not even think of taking ds2, but will take my newphew, and ds is left out yet again, but apparently I'm just supposed to sit back, as according to dh he's a pain in the arse.

I rarely say this as I honestly think very few situations merit it but:

LEAVE

What you've described is so emotionally damaging to both boys... You can't let it go on sad

Dannilion Sat 09-Feb-13 10:34:14

No wonder your DS2 can be 'hard work' if his own father won't even spend time with him because he thinks he's a "pain in the arse". What a horrible attitude to have with your own child sad

MegaClutterSlut Sat 09-Feb-13 10:36:23

This will never get resolved as long as your DH undermines you and favors DS1 imo. He either has to work with you as a team or fuck off tbh as this will cause unfixable damage in the long run

Nanny0gg Sat 09-Feb-13 10:36:40

Get this moved to Relationships.

You'll get very good practical advice.

And I agree with SummerRain. There's nothing good going on here.

Can you imagine how your DS1 will treat you when he's a teenager with a father like that? And the damage done to DS2?

If your H won't listen then it's beyond saving.

MrsMelons Sat 09-Feb-13 10:37:21

I think it is hard to comment on whether your or your DH is right regarding which child winds who up as children can be quite sneaky, I have 2 boys and it is often the same in our house (other than the fact DH and I tend to agree over it all). It seems odd that other people find your DS2 hard work too so maybe your DH has a point however he doesn't sound like he deals with it particularly well!

I think YABU to say your DS1 could not go to his football match as it would be letting his team mates down and I believe this is an important quality to teach your DCs but your DH should have spoken to you privately and explained what he wanted to do and should never have said that in front of your son, this will just cause him to ignore your authority and go to his dad all the time!

YANBU to be upset about him undermining you - I would be livid about this. It sounds like you need to agree what punishments are suitable and maybe discuss what it is that your DS2 is doing to make people think he is a PITA. He is only 3 and they are generally hard work at this age but adults (who have had children themselves) should be able to handle this TBH, especially when one of them is their dad!

MrsMelons Sat 09-Feb-13 10:39:27

I am not sure what the OP has said in her post actually suggests she should LTB (yet) - definitely agree this should go in relationships - AIBU is definitely not the right place for this type of advice!

TheNebulousBoojum Sat 09-Feb-13 10:54:09

There's a huge backstory to this if I remember rightly though, Altinkum ?
Massive apologies if I'm wrong, but I think you are the poster whose youngest was burned badly a few years back and has had a lot of hospital time and grafts. Wasn't your husband injured as well?
So the dynamics within your family have already had an enormous amount of stress placed on them, and your children have had much more to cope with than an uneventful family might have. Including a skewed sibling relationship, your youngest must have taken a lot of time and worry to get through his injuries.
Have you thought of family counselling?

Altinkum Sat 09-Feb-13 11:00:53

I'm just so sick if the fighting.

Ds has been "hard work" from day dot, he was born with multiple allergies, when a baby was very much a mummies boy, and was just a little bruiser, then we had the accident and its been endless hospital stays and trips, which then has resulted in more hospital trips as he is now speech delayed so his language skills are very much behind as well as his development. He also has asthma.

However he is a talkative and demanding little boy, he wans everything now, and im quite strict in that he needs to wait until in ready have time... Etc... However he is the most thoughtful child i know, he gets snacks, sweets, for other people, wants to help with housework, loves music and dancing etc...

Ds1 is nothing like him very selfish, won't share, measures sweets so he can get the bigger bit, won't clean up after himself, constantly saying he dosen't like this or that.
But he is placid, takes everything in his stride, loves footie, is basically (expect the cleaning and selfish part) a mini version of his dad, he can play with him on his level, where as ds2 is still very babyish (loves jungle junction, mike the knight etc) as where his peers are into Spider-Man, avengers etc...

I love both DC equally and try as its not always possible to treat them the same.

However I am finding ds1 hard work and info suppose dh is finding ds2 hard work, however no matter how much I ask dh we need get it sorted, nothing changes.

Doesn't help in feel he's checked out of this relationship also.

constantnamechanger Sat 09-Feb-13 11:07:51

there are a lot of problems - you and DH fighting in front of the children at the top of the list.

also imposing punishment (no football) without prior discussion

you clearly favour Dc2

I also am not a believer in time out - positive parenting would be more effective

constantnamechanger Sat 09-Feb-13 11:08:17

also DH provably right about it too cold for ds2

thebody Sat 09-Feb-13 11:16:30

Unless you and dh act like the adults you are supposed to be and responsible for the two lives you brought into the world then your kids are screwed.

Some of your comments in your children made me shiver to be honest and your dh telling his sons that their mother is 'wrong and daddy is the best' makes me want to vomit.

If you don't get a grip on this then your oldest will he punching you in 5 years time.

You all need some family counselling.

What names does your H call your ds2?

Chandon Sat 09-Feb-13 11:33:46

I think, it may have been harsh to cancel the football.

It sounds to me the problem is that your H and you both impose sanctions ( or lift them) on your own, rather than as a team. IMO, for discipline to work, both parents need to read from the same hymn sheet.

You may be entrenched in a situation where you defend Ds2 and H defends Ds1, but it is not fair for the kids to be stuck in the middle!

Could you have a good, honest chat to your H about discipline and how to enforce it? how not to undermine eachother?

Otherwise weekends are no fun!

( I say this as a mum of two boys. DH and I agree on sanctions before imposing them, and back eachotehr up, even if I think DH may have been a bit harsh, or a bit soft. We present a united front, otherwise the kids play us out against eachother! Not being smug, btw, we have been there...)

nefertarii Sat 09-Feb-13 11:37:01

Imo it sounds like you are in a cycle of you favouring ds2 and him doing the same of ds1.
You say ds2 is no angel, but your posts very much come across as thought ds2 is a victim and ds1 is always to blame.

Perhaps some family counselling?

Altinkum Sat 09-Feb-13 11:58:56

I all honestly I probarly favour him, not because I actually favour him, but because bloody so called adults have no time for him, call him a pain in the arse constantly, and then ds1 get took here their and everywhere and dh just allows it, or family will go to dc1 school concert and football activities, but none will help with ds2, so the onus is all left to me.

Dh won't disapline the kids, won't put them on time out, etc... Won't disapline them so again I'm left the bad one.

My children get praised every hour, we do very much advocate positive behaviour and they get praised for it hightly.

However at times praise isn't enought and disapline is needed. If dh won't disapline, then I have too.

Dh won't go to some wacky counselling.

nefertarii Sat 09-Feb-13 12:17:34

but the more you favour one, dh will favour the other and vice versa.

this will be impacting ds1 as well. He will know you favour his younger sibling.

I can't tell you whether to leave dh or not. Bt its not a healthy environment. But I don't think its just him. I think you have found yourself it a bad situation.

constantnamechanger Sat 09-Feb-13 12:35:56

does your DH disagree with your discipline methods?? because that's what it sounds like.

constantnamechanger Sat 09-Feb-13 12:38:16

also - it maybe people find Dc2 really hard work - just maybe they think they are helping by taking dc1 for a while?

Altinkum Sat 09-Feb-13 12:46:21

The thing is I don't favour ds2 anymore than ds1, I really don't, I spend equal time with them, I then have individual time with them, the only time they honestly get wrong is when they have been fighting each other, I praise by saying well done for picking up your toys give ds1 incentives for doing chores, getting his spellings done, taking him to somewhere he wants to go to etc... But with ds2, he gets the same, and a little more if ds1 has been left out yet again.

Their grandad comes and takes ds1 the allotment and ds2! would love this, but again when I'm at work, dh allows them to take ds1 and I come into a he's been a pain in the arse etc...

Son when ds1 is at school il take ds2 to the beech, to the park etc... So in a way by doing this I am favouring ds2 in this way by doing more with him when ds is at school.

The only time I tell the boys off, is when they hit each other, as dh refuses too.

Ds has came in from football, and apologised saying he was wrong to hit his brother, we are now on his Xbox and all I can hear is dh shouting at ds2 as he's wanting to play on his "Xbox" (vsmile motion plus).

I cant win!!!

Oh and ds1 got man if the match so hence his Xbox time with me, in which he asked me to play with him.

Altinkum Sat 09-Feb-13 12:52:49

Ds1 been took out again.

No family just don't want to spend time with him, in all honestly it would be easier for them to take ds2 than ds1 as ds1 is very placid, while ds2 wants to dance, role play etc... It's just that they don't want to spend time with him.

MIL has already said shed take ds1 anytime, but ds2 she would not.

It doesn't help that I've only got dh side here also, my family all live in another country.

Dh just won't disapline, he's never said anything when I disapline ds2, but when I disapline ds1, its inevitably always ds2' fault.

Cantbelieveitsnotbutter Sat 09-Feb-13 12:56:26

Sounds like your dh needs to learn to engage with ds2, as you see you've two very different boys. Different things make different people tick.
Like others have said its team work. What happens when you all have family time?
I'm either thinking you all need some fun family time or you need to swap, so you take ds1 to football and get ds2 into a class his dad does with him.
But your dh needs to be on board with this

nefertarii Sat 09-Feb-13 13:02:14

The problem is that you said you di favour the younger because others don't. Ds1 will pick up on it. I can promise that.

As for other family members. My mum struggles with my ds (2) because he us so much mire energetic than dd. And honestly its doesn't bother me. Mum does have to have either of them having one of them is a favour. I understand her reluctance to have ds.

your problems sound like a family problem. Not just your dhs or yours or ds1. It needs to be tackled as a family.

constantnamechanger Sat 09-Feb-13 13:07:33

you are missing my point - they many take dc1 as its easier for you not to have 2 of them, especially if they fight all the time.

My nearly 5 year old is hard work so people take the younger one as she is easier - that means I get time to concentrate on the older one.

You can't blame people for wanting to take a placid 7 year old over a boisterous 3 year old.

plus a 7 year old can do more - a 3 year old would need constant supervision in an allotment which is fine when they are yours and its a fun family activity bit not so great of there are things you need to get done.

Altinkum Sat 09-Feb-13 13:22:05

How can I do more? He won't try counselling, he won't engage, we have this conversation every few months and nothing changes, ill say lets go to the park/softplay/bowling/swimming/cinema etc... he will say well I want to watch the football or it costs too much, the cinema costs £1 FFS!

I'm fed up of trying to engage with him, their is only so much cakes as messy play/board games you can do in the house a week.

Family time when out is ok, boys love it, yet still fight, meal times are becoming unbearable, ds1 refuses most things at the min, even things he ate last week. I make him try new foods but when at his nana house they just give him what he wants, so most meal times he will be pulling faces, saying this is disgusting, and dh will say well don't eat it... Even tho its food he likes and has asked for.

I don't blame the people for not wanting to take ds, I blame them when he's kicking and screaming because he wants tongi stay with them. And I'm left being the bad guy.

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