Not wanting to be invited to a lunch if there is someone I don't talk to?

(340 Posts)
Neverland2013 Fri 08-Feb-13 22:46:22

I will try to keep it short. I had a big fall out with one of the mums from our 'mumsgroup' over a year ago. In the past, during a B'day party, I managed to be civil to this person but I am rather annoyed that one of my friends invited me as well as the other person to a Saturday lunch although she knows how I feel.

LittleChimneyDroppings Sat 09-Feb-13 00:49:17

And yes, Agent, your posts have been particularly insightful tonight. Very well thought out.

MrsMangelfanciedPaulRobinson Sat 09-Feb-13 00:50:32

I think they've behaved appallingly OP. Ditch them.

AgentZigzag Sat 09-Feb-13 00:51:03

It is possible that they genuinely didn't know what to do for the best though Neverland.

Nobody wants to go down in local friend history as the one who blabbed and risk the possibility of everyone else turning on them and gossiping endlessly.

But this wasn't about a he said/she said thing, this was buying a house you wanted to be your home, and that's as personal as it gets IMO.

AgentZigzag Sat 09-Feb-13 00:53:55

blush thank you as well LittleC.

It's from experience unfortunately.

But on the bright side, I'd rather be me and be able to get away from them, than them and have to live with it forever grin

Neverland2013 Sat 09-Feb-13 01:01:18

The thoughts? I could actually feel my heart physically move! grin) I laugh now but at the time my little bubble burst and it wasn't nice.

AgentZigzag Sat 09-Feb-13 01:41:44

It's surprising the other people you know didn't back away from the gazumper, if she's capable of that, what else would she see as OK to do to a so called friend?

Have you ever heard on the grapevine from other stirrers the reason why she thought it was alright to do that to you Never?

MrsMangelfanciedPaulRobinson Sat 09-Feb-13 01:55:16

AgentZigZag, that kind of illustrates what we were saying earlier about those that do the dirty on others coming up smelling of roses whilst the innocent person is pushed out. I've seen it happen loads of times. The gazumper is probably a self-important, entitled, spoilt brat, who no one dares get on the wrong side of huge assumption but I'm still bitter from recent experiences

AgentZigzag Sat 09-Feb-13 02:14:23

I've been on, and started, threads about why people flock round these people MrsM (which I thought I'd mistakenly read as Mrs Mangel, until I read the rest of your name grin is that sacrilege proposing such an abomination? I mean, Paul Robinson?? He was terrible grin) everyone else is just too scared by the threatened tantruming/sulking they know would be inevitable if they dared say anything.

Knowing they're spinning a situation to other people (who you know) as though you're the one who's being awkward and tantruming by not pandering to their every whim/expressed opinion, does make you question yourself though. Am I being awkward? Am I just manipulating them into doing what I say?

And that's when MN can be handy, for hearing what other people would find acceptable.

I might be able to describe what I think might be going on, but I haven't got a clue how you're supposed to deal with it. Ignore them and you're complying, pick them up on it and you're being difficult, go along with them and you end up doing things you'd rather not do.

mynewpassion Sat 09-Feb-13 03:31:26

Here's my thinking why I think the op is being unreasonable. I am an adult. I get an invitation. If I don't like a person who is also going to be there, I will decide to go and be polite to her or not attend. I don't need others to police their invitations to my likes and dislikes of people. I am not five where I need a mommy to protect me from another bad girl. I am mature enough to make my own decisions.

Eastpoint Sat 09-Feb-13 06:59:08

YANBU

I can completely see why you feel hurt from your OP and then even more so after your updates.

I think it is hard to remember that just because you are invited to something it doesn't mean you have to go. Can you now just say you are sorry you made a mistake and you can't come and just leave it like that? I choose not to go to things with people I dislike as I get stressed out in that sort of situation and end up saying dreadful things. I think I get over adrenalised & am in flight or fight mode. Not saying you can't control yourself but lots of sympathy for you.

Being gazumped is bad enough, but by someone you know & like appalling behaviour. She & her dp,are in my eyes, horrible people. I would feel deeply hurt by your friends who did not let you know what was going on especially if they all knew.

Somethingtothinkabout Sat 09-Feb-13 10:21:53

That is bad OP, I can understand why you're upset, especially now you've been put in the position where it's YOU that has to get over yourself and go with the person who did it to you, or you lose out.

However, maybe the house does need a lot of work, and this woman and her H are getting their comeuppance. Karma's a bitch.

If I were you, I think I'd go and sit as far away from her as possible, just pretend she's not there.

Nanny0gg Sat 09-Feb-13 10:33:36

I wouldn't go, and I would re-evalute the 'friendship' of the others.

If you didn't find out until the very last minute about the gazumping, you'd certainly incurred considerable costs. And it's a hideous way to treat a 'friend'.

And again, all posters who think the OP is making a fuss about nothing, and acting like a teenager - you'd all be okay in this situation, would you?

I think not.

DSM Sat 09-Feb-13 11:09:05

For god sake OP, grow up.

I 'fell out' with a friend, a friend I had had for over 20 years. She did something horrific, something I can't forgive. Not buying a house i wanted.. hmm. Anyway, I have cut her out of my life, but we have lots of mutual friends, and are both adult enough to go to social events together.

One of lunches for no reason are irrelevant. Don't go. Weddings, hen weekends (a particular nightmare!) birthdays.. Those are unavoidable. If you can't be adult about it, then don't go. It's your issue.

Sugarice Sat 09-Feb-13 11:16:21

I'll stick my twp pennies worth in.

Don't go to the lunch and yes, I would be hurt that my feelings weren't worthy of more thought from the lunch host.

amicissimma Sat 09-Feb-13 11:29:38

Well, to me, buying a house is a business transaction. If you both wanted it, one of you was going to lose out. If you'd been the one with the highest offer, she would be in your position.

I can't imagine bearing a grudge a year later, neither can I imagine involving other people in my disappointment.

It's up to you but I think YABU to expect other people to consider who was involved in which disagreement.

earlierintheweek Sat 09-Feb-13 11:32:01

I can get that you're upset and because you are, you shouldn't go. Decline the invitation, but what you can't do is expect other people to remember who fell out with whom a year ago. Other people have lives and you and your house purchases aren't relevant to them. I doubt the invitation has been given maliciously.

SamanthaStormer Sat 09-Feb-13 11:59:02

Your friend did the right thing imo. She is obviously friends with both of you, she can't invite one and not the other without one of you taking offence so she is leaving it up to you two to make the choice. Would you rather have not been invited?

This. I've been in your friend's shoes, friends with two people who refuse to get on.
I'm friends with both of them. If I invite one and not the other one, then the other one takes the hump.
Invite both, they whine like you're doing and say how rude, how dare you invite her, blah blah.
Well, if I'm friends with BOTH of you. What am I supposed to do then?
I refuse to get involved. Either go, or don't go. Yours and the other person's argument, not mine.

ChaoticisasChaoticdoes Sat 09-Feb-13 12:06:57

It's the principle of the whole thing really though. Someone the OP considered a friend has lied to her and deceived her. I wouldn't want to be friends with someone I couldn't trust either.

OP don't go arrange another lunch date if you want to see the friend who has done the inviting.

MsHighwater Sat 09-Feb-13 12:22:15

Do you really mean that you don't want to be invited to the same events as she is or that you don't want her to be invited to the same events as you are?

Not getting involved, on your friends' part, could mean not choosing between the two of you - I.e. not inviting only one of you to something.

I could imagine not knowing what to do if I knew that one friend intended to gazump another friend. I do remember house hunting at the same time as another friend. We looked at a few houses in common. We both understood that there would be nothing personal in it if we both made an offer on the same house. That said, gazumping doesn't really happen here in the same way so that never arose.

Choose to go or not go. It's not up to your other friends to manage the situation.

Neverland2013 Sat 09-Feb-13 14:25:25

Well, it was my own stupidity or naivety at the time. In my excitement I disclosed the fact that by a chance we saw a house we liked. My 'friend' asked me which one and I told her. Little did I know that after our catch up she viewed the house a week later. When I found out that they bought the house and confronted her, she told me that she did not know that her h putt an offer on the house. She was depressed at the time and her h wanted to make her happy! I found it all really weird as I wouldn't go and see a house I know my friend is interested in. I agree, if I have known that they were looking it would have been different. However, I can't believe that my h will buy a house without me knowing. Neither would I go see a house I know my friends are interested in. I value my friend more than houses ( I wouldn't even do it to a colleague at work). I guess at the time I realised that we have different values and there was no point carrying on. I couldn't really imagine going to her place for a cup of coffee etc. What would be the point? I don't have an issue finding myself in the same place as this other women but I find it odd that my close friends expect for me to just get over it. Hence today I did say to them not to invite me along in the future if she is invited as it makes awkward for everyone involved. From my side, it will never be the same and I am not prepared to pretend otherwise.

earlierintheweek Sat 09-Feb-13 14:29:00

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

mum11970 Sat 09-Feb-13 14:36:57

So she didn't gazump you, she just put a bid in and bought a house you liked.

KobayashiMaru Sat 09-Feb-13 14:43:04

you hadn't put an offer in? She didn't gazump you then.

Seriously, its not your friends reposibility to juggle their lives so you can avoid someone you decided to fall out with. You are going to find yourself not invited to anything if you carry on like this.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sat 09-Feb-13 14:44:04

Did she gazump you?

It doesn't sound like it.

However

I wouldn't do what she did. Sounds like she does have different values, and if you other friends don't see anything wrong with it (many people would't) then maybe you aren't really good friends. I have learned that some friends we meet as mums aren't necessarily friends-of-the heart. It's more pragmatism than shared values.

MsHighwater Sat 09-Feb-13 14:46:16

I certainly can't imagine my DH buying a house without telling me but I also appreciate that other people, live their lives differently for. How I live mine.

It would be ridiculously OTT to bar yourself from looking any house that a friend (or colleague, really?) was looking at. As I said our friends and we understood that it was not personal. Perhaps you should try to consider the same thing. After all, friends are more important than houses, aren't they?

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