AIBU to never want kids??

(225 Posts)
Judged Fri 08-Feb-13 14:47:43

So I don't want to have children and I am incessantly judged and patronised for it. It doesn't help that my reasons are unusual.

The following are my reasons for never wanting kids-

-I have severe tokophobia (pathological fear of childbirth). I cannot even contemplate the idea of a vaginal birth.
-I love my career and have high ambitions. Becoming a SAHM or a housewife would be a slow death for me. Also, I don’t like the idea of being economically dependent and answerable for how much I spend and why. It’s important for me to have my own money.
-I’ve seen children take couples further and further apart. I’ve always kind of perceived them as a threat to a strong relationship because of the challenges they bring.
-I have always had body confidence issues. Due to my PCOS, I have always battled with maintaining my weight and I already have things like stretch marks and acne scars. The thought of having a major acne breakout during pregnancy (I’ve heard that pregnancy can make acne worse) makes me literally want to cry. As does the idea of putting on weight which won’t come off.
-The idea of developing issues like melasma and severe morning sickness really terrifies me.
-I just HATE hospitals and invasive medical procedures. I’m an extremely private person and the idea of being poked, prodded and being so vulnerable is just awful to me.
-Due to my PCOS, there’s a chance that I might need hormone therapy and/or IVF and that too makes me sick to the stomach for the same reasons mentioned above.

Vaginal birth, weight gain, the changes in the body, and the possibility of having to give up job just make me hate the idea of ever having children.

In my culture, EVERY man wants kids. I know at the back of my head that I will have to have them whether I want them or not and this does tend to disturb me immensely.

So what do I do??? AIBU to not want to have kids??

CrispsCrispsCrisps Fri 08-Feb-13 22:38:32

Saying that, I now have 1 DC and fell pregnant because I was ready and not for others. I have a career and I'm respected in my role at work and also in my role at home as a Mother. A lot of the concerns you have just show you're human.

CheerfulYank Fri 08-Feb-13 22:40:19

Yanbu.

I always knew I wanted loads of kids, and wanted to stay home. But that's my life and those are my choices. ( I don't have the loads of kids yet, just 1 DS and DC2 on the way smile )

I have a few friends who say they never want kids, and I support them totally. We're not meant to live the same lives.

PurpleStorm Fri 08-Feb-13 22:46:12

I'm pretty sure that I remember reading in the news that NHS guidelines now allow elective CS for women with tokophobia. If I'm wrong about that, then going private would almost certainly allow you to choose a CS, if your finances permit this.

No one can offer you a guarantee that you won't become overweight with a baby - but no one could guarantee that anyway. Gaining weight certainly isn't inevitable if you have a child.

And plenty of mums work, including me and many of my friends. Being a mother doesn't automatically mean that you have to be a housewife.

However, as you're 25, you don't have to decide anything right now.
You have a bit of time to think it all through and work out for yourself what you want, and ways to work towards getting what you want - whether that turns out to be no kids and a man who doesn't want them either, or kids without vaginal birth and a career, or whatever. I think that figuring that out is probably the most important thing, and no one else can answer that for you.

RubyrooUK Fri 08-Feb-13 22:48:03

Fair enough Judged.

Sorry for the mistaken identity - you should read that other thread though. It has some interesting parallels - you're both in your mid-twenties, currently single, tokophobic, from a culture that really reveres marriage and kids, very anxious about a future that hasn't happened yet for you.

I think if you don't want kids, absolutely don't have them. If you do, then most of the things you are worried about are either avoidable or you learn not to care about them.

If you feel like a fear of getting fat, or bad skin, or anything else is putting you off, then you don't have to have a baby. If you want one, then it might be best to start some counselling about these worries if they are big enough to prevent you from having children you do actually want.

Is there anything about having children/babies that you DO like the idea of? Anything at all?

OxfordBags Fri 08-Feb-13 23:02:31

Hey, who says you have to breastfeed? I do, but I wouldn't dream of suggesting anyone else does if they don't want to.

The good thing about motherhood - and you do need to get a bit of a thick skin to know this secret, which is why having kids when you're older can help, as you naturally stop giving a shit what people think as you get older (or I do!) - is that mothering is as individual as you are and as each child will be. You do not have to SAH, breastfeed, use cloth nappies, go to baby groups, even send to school (homeschool).

I was almost phobic about the thought of sorting out nappies, but when it comes to your own kid, you truly don't care. Well, not that much. It's like how everyone secretly likes the smell of their own farts but gags at anyone else's wink

Don't get hung up on baby girls though, it is sod's law that you would have a son if you ever did get pg, ha!

But I am sounding now like I am trying to convince you into motherhood and I am not.

Judged Fri 08-Feb-13 23:11:07

VisualiseAHorse- Well, babies are very cute smile And it is a unique bond to experience. I can't deny that.

shesariver Fri 08-Feb-13 23:13:35

I looked after my baby cousins when they were little and I am tender towards children, especially little girls

But not so much baby boys then, whats the difference?

Mimishimi Fri 08-Feb-13 23:22:20

YANBU at all. It would only be unreasonable if you wished or allowed a man who did want children to marry you. You would have to make it very clear from the start I would think. Having had kids, even though I do not regret them at all, I can completely understand why someone might not want them. They do require an enormous amount of time and attention.

Posterofapombear Fri 08-Feb-13 23:23:52

Judged, you have spent the last two years at least asking these same questions on at least 2 different forums.

Do you think it might be time to get some professional help?

It really has taken over your young life and it makes me sad to think of you sitting there worrying about prolapses and internal examinations instead of living your life.

Please get help, none of us have the magic answer for you I'm afraid hmm

Yfronts Fri 08-Feb-13 23:26:13

I respect all your reasons but must add that you might actually like it when it comes to it? You never know.

Judged Fri 08-Feb-13 23:26:38

Posterofapombear- confused Umm, excuse me???

amillionyears Fri 08-Feb-13 23:27:14

If it is your friends that are the problem, that isnt so bad. You can change them if you wanted to!
And you are only 25. So lots of time for all sorts of things to change.

I think, fwiw, that you may change your mind over time. Maybe not.
But you are 25, not 35 or even 45.

Judged Fri 08-Feb-13 23:29:07

shesariver- I didn't mean that the way it sounded. If I do decide to have children I wouldn't care if it was a boy or a girl as long as the child was healthy. I have a soft spot for little girls perhaps because I haven't been around them as much since all my cousins are boys and I have nephews but not nieces. So there is just some curiosity about little girls. That's all.

Posterofapombear Fri 08-Feb-13 23:34:05

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

gimmecakeandcandy Fri 08-Feb-13 23:34:11

I personally find your attitude towards the work that goes into having and raising children distasteful - and breastfeeding offers a baby so much comfort and goodness it is a same you cannot see beyond that.

If all you want to do is rush back to work too, why bother? You don't really sound like you want children - children need so much love and care and the place to start is actually wanting them.

garlicblocks Fri 08-Feb-13 23:37:47

YANBU. But it looks to me as if the problem is your thinking you will "have to" have children, and being afraid you won't be able to - either through infertility or fear. It is weird, in this day & age, to feel obliged to have babies.

I've got some sympathy: my dad was one of those arseholes who reckon a woman isn't a woman if she doesn't have children; I also had PCOS and an enthusiastic career; I did not in the end have children and life's OK. I never mope about it, truly. I've done so many amazing things that I couldn't have with kids.

While I see we might have some parallel issues, you and I, yours are much more intense. No wonder it's giving you grief. I really feel you need to rationalise this belief that you might somehow be forced to have babies. So I, too, am recommending counselling to help you think it through smile Good luck.

shesariver Fri 08-Feb-13 23:38:32

If all you want to do is rush back to work too, why bother?

Regardless of the OPs issues with having children I find this really quite offensive - sounds like you are saying Mums who go back to work are in the wrong!

garlicblocks Fri 08-Feb-13 23:39:44

Pombear grin

gimmecakeandcandy Fri 08-Feb-13 23:41:28

Do others honestly care that you will or won't have kids? I doubt it. I would be more worried about you having any with your attitude such as nappies are disgusting/worrying about being home with them than anything else [hmmm]

gimmecakeandcandy Fri 08-Feb-13 23:43:29

Shesariver - no I didn't mean that the way you think - it just feels like the op would rush back the next day! That's what I meant - why have any if you want to be away from them is more what I meant. Of course some people go back to work but they also love being with their children. The op sounds like she wouldn't.

Judged Fri 08-Feb-13 23:45:10

gimmecakeandcandy- I don't think anybody thinks nappies are flowery and lovely. Most people would agree they aren't any fun. But please don't imply that the reason I don't want children is because I think nappies are disgusting. I've actually changed quite a few nappies of babies that weren't even my own.

I have nothing to say to the posters who are implying that there is something wrong with me going back to work. I'd go crazy as a sahm. I like my work and I need to work. If that makes me selfish then fine.

shesariver Fri 08-Feb-13 23:49:00

gimmecake thanks for explaining!

gimmecakeandcandy Fri 08-Feb-13 23:51:31

There isn't anything wrong worth going back to work but I find nothing in your posts to indicate why you would want children. You seem to be over thinking how much people 'care' about you having kids. They don't. They are too busy with their life and raising their children.

Having children means giving your all to them. They take up all your time and energy. They are wonderful, amazing, fantastic but they will change your life and you will understand the word 'worry' (you will always worry about them) if you have them.

And if you don't want them don't have them! But never ever get with someone who does and try to change their mind as if a partner wants them and the other doesn't it won't work.

gimmecakeandcandy Fri 08-Feb-13 23:53:13

My pleasure shesariver! grin I hope what I said made sense. And a tiny newborn needs their mum for a few months at home at least right?! Good for both mum and baby!

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