Can a NR parent just keep messing dc about with irregular visits and contact?

(14 Posts)
MariusEarlobe Fri 08-Feb-13 14:51:44

Thanks socks,
My friend moved in with her parents 100 miles away because her ex made her sell family home and she had no where to go.

She was made to do ALL the journeys once a month. So that's what I'm worried about.

Dd won't stop alone so it would mean me travelling 3 and a half hours by public transport to an area all his new family and friends are and 3 and a half hours back in a weekend.

If dd agreed to stop alone I would have to travel that x 4 or pay for a hotel there, I can't afford that.

girlywhirly Fri 08-Feb-13 14:36:31

At 10 I think a court would take a child's wishes into account. They would talk to her about why she no longer wants contact with her father. You would need to provide evidence in the form of a diary when contact had been arranged and whether or not it went ahead for a court case. With his current once-a-year habit, if he did take you to court I doubt they would issue a contact order, as you have not prevented him seeing his daughter and presumably he also makes no effort in other ways like regular phone calls, texts, email, skype.

I think taking you to court could backfire on him if they believe all his lies because they might possibly decide he should see DD at a contact centre once a fortnight and then he will have to attend, or have his failure to turn up noted by the staff there, plus the fact that you have turned up as required with DD. You might also question his ability to pay maintenance, especially if you are required to travel to these contact meetings (two fares each way on train or bus) which your solicitor will request. I think when you present it to him like that he will back off if he threatens you with court. At the end of the day it's the child's right to contact with the parent, not the parents right to contact with the child, and DD doesn't want contact. Not surprising, as he lets her down so much and he is almost a stranger to her.

It might be best to do as hopandskip says, and just keep things as they are, but asking for definite dates and times to be arranged for contact. It won't be long before she is old enough to decide whether to see him or not and he won't be able to insist legally.

IneedAsockamnesty Fri 08-Feb-13 13:53:35

Op they will only order you to make the journey if you are able to do it and don't have reasonable cause not to.

I was threatened with jail because and all because my DC's were ill so i kept them away from the contact center. My ex went whining to the judge on the next court date saying that i was keeping them away from him.

He however turns up as and when he feels like it, this is ignored at court.
I can only relate my experience and i am well aware that this will not be everyones opinion.

If there is no court order then basically say no, If he is serious about seeing his children then he can take it court where contact will be regulated some what.

MariusEarlobe Fri 08-Feb-13 13:14:48

That's what I'm worried about Alicia sad If I refuse he is that type of person that would go to court out of spite then do that.
A couple of times we have gone to meet him and he's not been there.

He only lives 45 minutes drive from us, it's just he drives an I don't so me having to go all the way there would be a nightmare.

aliciaflorrick Fri 08-Feb-13 13:09:33

My sister's ex took her to court to arrange access to my nephew. Every month, my poor little nephew will stand under the clock in town showing that the time is 10.00, holding a copy of that day's newspaper to prove that she'd been waiting for the ex but he hadn't shown. Two years this has been going on, every six months he takes her to court for access and then never shows. The thing is she's never withheld access from him, he's just decided that he fancies a trip to court.

MariusEarlobe Fri 08-Feb-13 13:04:43

Only think it states on divorce is arrangements made that we meet half way once a fortnight.

But he kept cancelling so I gave up and only arrange when he contacts us now.

If he did go to court could they make me take dd all the way to his because I was the one that moved away (had to go to my mum's as no where else to go)? I couldn't afford that as he doesn't pay maintenance as he's on benefits (but fixes computers cash in hand) and it would be around 3 and a half hours journey each way on public transport.

MariusEarlobe Fri 08-Feb-13 12:56:43

10 snorbs

If I said dd didn't want to see him all he'll would break lose and I would be accused of all kinds.

Last time we saw him (March 2012!) Dd wouldn't really talk to him and when he moaned I said she's only seen you twice in 18 months and was told "fuck off I've not only been twice"

I just see no benefit to the sparodic contact when dd is not interested anyway.

HopAndSkip Fri 08-Feb-13 12:54:51

Sorry X post. Could you give him your phone number so he can text instead to avoid having to check your inbox? Or would he use that to harass you?

Realistically, if you haven't heard from him in however many months, and you miss an email for a week or 2 you're not going to get in trouble, there's no court order.

HopAndSkip Fri 08-Feb-13 12:52:32

If there's no court order in place, then next time he contacts you, say "We already have plans sorry, you need to give me a weeks notice in future as we can't just cancel everything last minute each time" then repeat until he does this.
If you have a court order and he's not turning up, tell him you will need confirmation the day before that he will be coming, and that if you don't get this you will assume he isn't due to him consistantly not turning up, and can't garentee being in as the children need to be allowed to get on with their lives and it isn't fair on them waiting in for no reason.
If he starts telling you the day before he will be coming, and then not turning up, then start texting/emailing him a few days before/when you know your plans saying "Due to you consistantly telling me you are coming to see the DC and not turning up, we will have to continue with our day to day activities as it is upsetting DC having to sit in the house waiting for no reason. Therefore if you are wanting to collect DC for contact today, we will be at _ until _time, and home by __. Let me know when you are nearby if you want to collect the DC.

You might want to double check with your solicitor before the last part, but I can't see why that would be a problem, as you are still being very reasonable, and contact is availiable.

Hopefully he will get bored of messing you around once he realizes it isn't working as well anymore. How old are DC?

Snorbs Fri 08-Feb-13 12:49:37

MariusEarlobe, how old is your DD?

SparklyVampire, how many resident parents do you know who have been sent to jail for stopping contact?

MariusEarlobe Fri 08-Feb-13 12:45:51

No court order.

Dd doesn't want to see him because she's only seen him three times in the last three years for a grand total of six hours altogether so she doesn't know him really and "he only ever talks to you anyway mum"

It is in my experience that the NRP can do what the hell they like and the courts will do nothing. But if the RP dares to not make the children avaliable for contact for whatever reason then they will go to jail. If you have no court ordered contact in place then i would suggest telling the NRP to leave you alone and take you there because this sporadic arrangement is not good for children

MariusEarlobe Fri 08-Feb-13 12:38:15

Or does it hit a point where a court will step in.

Each is now coming once a year and making no contact in between but still expecting me to check my email weekly in case he decides to.

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