ZOMBIE THREAD ALERT: This thread hasn't been posted on for a while.
To think it's not hard to remember things?(51 Posts)
Today I had scheduled a meeting with work where my manager and I were going to discuss hours, contracts etc for when I return from mat leave. My partners mum also had something very important happening today. After he was home for an hour I told him not to worry my meeting had been cancelled anyway. He said "oh that I'd forgotten" no apology.
I then asked him if he'd spoken to his mum. He then said he'd forgotten that too and I should have reminded him. When I pointed
out that these were both pretty important things so he should remember he went on about how busy he is and how important his work is. This all comes on the back of him forgetting our DS second lot of immunisations and other pretty important stuff. He is a fantastic father but I felt again his work took priority.
Am I being unreasonable to expect him to care
enough to remember these things?
I hear you. I really do! But he's a man. His focus is to provide, hence why he remembers all of his 'work stuff'. In his eyes, he's doing a wonderful job! Men do not think like us. That's why lesbians always look so happy.
"But he's a man. His focus is to provide." "Men do not think like us."
Shit. I forgot it was the 1950s. Can someone pass me my time machine and my petticoat?
It was tongue in cheek for heaven's sake.....if I give you your time machine will you stay there? I hate typing on MN - it always gets taken the wrong bloody way.
Although if you think about it....
Women's focus = babies (some women I hasten to add, not all)
Men's focus = providing
Maybe the 1950's wasn't so bad - certainly less divorces.....and they did have those pretty aprons and full skirts.
I hate typing on MN. Someone always ends up crying into their cornflakes.
I hate typing on MN. There's always some nasty bitch lurking in the sidelines.
Bloody hell, was only have a laugh. Didn't realise you were taking it seriously.
Suuuuuuure you were........oh sorry - did I take YOUR comments the wrong way...?
My dh is a bit like this and it's only got worse as his work has got more hectic and stressful and we both have more and more 'important' things on , whether work or child related. There's only so much we can cope with. I try to just tell him outcomes of dd health appointments, school stuff, my work and not expect him to remember in advance. If it's that significant I either need him to come to an appointment with me or take time off to small person wrangle.
I'm the forgetful one in our family . We do have a calendar, but DH tends not to write his things into it so at least I have that excuse. But the poor bugger has to tell me about 400,000 times about the conferences he's going to etc etc. while I'll tell him in December that I have a MW appointment on the 23rd of January and on the 22nd he'll say "Good luck with the appointment tomorrow," and I'll go "oh thanks" then rush to the calendar to find out what the hell he's on about! Seriously though, he'll say on Monday "I'm in Cambridge on Wednesday so I'll be late," then on Wednesday morning he'll say "I'm late today remember" only to be met with a blank look. My refrain these days is "put it in the calendar!" although I forget to look at the calendar too so I'm not sure that would solve anything. The man has the patience of a saint.
Sometimes, for some people, it is VERY hard to remember things. You sound like my mum. She thinks it's easy to remember thins, but my dad on the other hand finds it hard. They have had a very unhappy forty years together.
I was all set to say no, it's a total bugger to remember things, but if he can do it for himself he could do it for you and should at least be decently apologetic.
I often forget stuff. If I forget to put it in my online calendar so all my electronic gadgets beep at me then I generally forget. I don't want to forget stuff and I feel mortified when I realise I have forgotten stuff but nevertheless it still happens.
I try to get round this by having an online calendar and by setting reminders for myself but if for some reason the reminder doesn't go off - flat battery, phone on silent etc - then the system fails. I try to remember to look at my calendar every morning and evening in the hopes things will stay in my memory.
So the things that I do remember tend to be the things most important to me, so if my dh has asked me to get something for him I am more likely to forget that than something I need to do. It isn't because I don't care for him, it's just that I don't remember. However I do apologise profusely if I let someone down due to my forgetfulness.
I started a thread recently about something similar after my DH forgot two very important hospital appointments I had. I was upset after he forgot the first one but he still forgot the second one I think it is about expectations - because I remember things about his life, both mundane and important, I expect him to be able to remember things about mine. He doesn't, and that failure to meet expectation is what is upsetting. He is a single minded person in a highly stressful job which consumes him entirely for at least 10 hours a day.
I will admit that in the context of other aspects of our relationship, it did hurt and has made me reevaluate things (a process which has been going on for a while) but if everything else in your relationship is happy, just explain to him about how it made you feel (that you were not important to him) and then move on.
Thecat you're so right it's my expectations as I always remember but as you all sayremembering isn't so easy for everyone!
Angel I agree that he is consumed by work and a lot of that has to do with him feeling like he's providing. I have a sneaky suspicion that if I were to ask him he'd say I am consumed by our DS! So a talk after work tonight it is.
He just needs to set up an online calendar (synced to his phone) and put EVERYTHING in that. I use mine for practical reminders to post letters and things like that, but also put in things like friend's hospital appointments, birthdays and exams so that I can text them on the day. I do this because I care about these people and want to show them that they matter to me. It's really not difficult.
My DP is crap at remembering stuff, and it makes me cross. But we've figured out a couple things (1) he's better at remembering stuff he's responsible for (2) his default setting is 'that's not my problem' (seriously, the guy has an SEP (someone else's problem) field the size of a planet) whereas mine is 'if I don't do it, no one will'. So you can imagine how that went until we figured it out in a row or three.
Anyway, the point I was trying to illustrate is that there may be something blocking him remembering stuff you find important - and it could be that he thinks he's filed that information in your head, and now doesn't feel he needs to. The reason might be crap, but easier to tackle a problem with a name, wot?
Good on you Saturday! I hope you got/get it resolved for yourself. My very smart Mum gave me that advice about men. Men prioritise differently. They are wired TOTALLY differently to us. They've been married 44 years this year. Happiest couple I know. All the best to you.
Perhaps he assumes that if anything important arises you'll tell him without waiting to be asked? I have to say, I do agree that it's a little PA to try to trip him up, especially when it's perfectly possible that it would have shuffled to the front of his mind eventually, but if you want to share before he gets there then just do it.
You need a system so you both know what is going on. DH does need to want to know what is happening for this to work. Isn't he interested in what everyone is doing each day?
We have a monthly calendar with everything written on and each Sunday I write a list for the coming week for the kitchen wall. Every morning DH and I check in for two mins what is happening that day and what each of us needs to achieve.
My husband forgets things all the time, he doesn't use a calendar despite me buying them over the years.
I no longer take responsibility for things he forgets. But it still pisses me off.
I have a Filofax. It was given to me by a wonderful MN'er during the Christmas present thing.
It is the best thing I've ever had - it has become my bible! With multiple medical appointments for 4/5 of my family to remember, letters to write, forms to fill in, school stuff and access arrangements, I have so much to remember I'd be list without it.
I have memory problems due to epilepsy and the medication for it.
I have a system. I have a desk calendar with EVERYTHING on it. I have my Filofax with EVERYTHING in it, in my bag so that I don't double book appointments.
I have a wall calendar with everything on it for school in the hallway, including clubs and kits needed and dress up days etc.
He needs to care enough to find a system - it's not your job to organise another adult. If he manages to remember his own stuff, he can manage to remember everything else!
Ghostsgowhoo - I have multiple DC's with multiple issues. I used to be like you, forgetting everything, as it IS overwhelming.
Seriously, a desk calendar, a Filofax, a walk calendar AND reminders on your phone, and you CAN improve. If you had told me that a year ago, I would have laughed, mind you!
I feel so much more in control now that I'm not missing things!
Merry I know you're right, it's just getting started. I procrastinate too much.
I tell what did used to help. My old phone used to have an option where you could write notes on the home screen so that every time you looked at your phone you could see the notes.not found a phone since that could do that.
Wall planner sounds good too
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