Note: Please bear in mind that whilst this topic does canvass opinions, it is not a fight club. You may disagree with other posters but we do ask you please to stick to our Talk Guidelines and to be civil. We don't allow personal attacks or troll-hunting. Do please report any. Thanks, MNHQ.

Lazy DHs. Why did you marry them?

(108 Posts)
magimedi Thu 07-Feb-13 17:04:56

I see many women on MN moaning about the fact that their husbands won't help round the house, can't cook, can't work a washing machine, don't help with childcare etc etc.

Did you not think about this before you married them? I've been married for nearly 30 years and right from the start my DH has cooked, cleaned & helped with childcare.

I honestly would not, and could not, have married a man who could not do these basic tasks. I would have no respect for them.

StuntGirl Thu 07-Feb-13 17:39:49

simplesusan My hero!

Andro Thu 07-Feb-13 17:51:18

I didn't live with my DH until we were married, but his place was always immaculate and he cleaned it himself - it was a good start!

No way would I have married a slob.

HE does his share around the house; I do most of the cooking but that's my choice (I love cooking), he does the ironing (his favourite household job) and the rest we split. The first month of us living together was...challenging!

ElephantsAndMiasmas Thu 07-Feb-13 17:51:32

I know! A younger friend of mine has been with her boyfriend for about 6 weeks and has already tidied his room for him. She must be utterly insane. I would actually be quite cross if my boyfriend tidied my room! Different to do stuff together like changing sheets or clearing up after cooking where both of you have "created" the work. But just saying "I will now tidy and clean for you" is asking for trouble surely.

Having said that I clean people's toilets when I visit their houses but that's because I can't resist it and realise this makes me both weird and a terrible guest

Pandemoniaa Thu 07-Feb-13 17:52:04

Were they really so blinded by lurve??

I do wonder whether they were blinded by that equally unreliable factor - "he'll change once we're married". Because nobody changes once they are married. Except for the worse.

Moknicker Thu 07-Feb-13 17:52:32

The same reason my DH married me - brilliant PR pre marriage. smile

expatinscotland Thu 07-Feb-13 17:54:16

I wouldn't have even dated a man like this. And if he became lazy after we married, he'd shape up or we'd no longer be married long before I procreated with him.

Some people are desperate, though, they'd rather be with some arsehole than alone.

MrsKoala Thu 07-Feb-13 18:02:19

I agree MrsTP. That's why dh got an ultimatum - I'm not working in a call centre for nmw then coming home to do everything, I'm also not working and doing all the ds pick ups and drop offs with no help. So he either did more or paid for a cleaner and me to give up work. We've had some absolute humdingers and strikes but nothing changes him. He doesn't see the mess or care if I dont do anything either, which I think is why I don't mind. If he was like my dad, lazy AND entitled -giving out orders while he sat on his arse then you wouldn't see me for dust!

If you think the loo roll is bad you do not want to know the half of it, but he has an amazingly furry koala-y body so is forgiven ;)

CloudsAndTrees Thu 07-Feb-13 18:03:28

I think there are some women out there that need to be needed by their husbands, and that's why they put up with it. They moan about it, but if it suddenly stopped and their husbands started doing all the cooking, washing etc, then they would feel very threatened. It's an insecurity thing. As long as they have someone that needs them for the basics, then they won't be alone in life, and they like the idea of being someone's skivvy more than they like the idea of being alone.

This is just a few women I'm talking about here, I don't believe that every woman who complains about their husbands lack of ability for domestic things is like this. But some are.

Faxthatpam Thu 07-Feb-13 18:05:13

The best story I've heard about lazy bastards was the first time a friend of mine went to stay with the PIL.

Being polite, she asked the FIL if he wanted a cup of tea and then how many sugars he had in it, he replied "don't know, ask the wife"! WTF??? It did make me laugh though. grin.

expatinscotland Thu 07-Feb-13 18:06:53

'MrsTP - that might have been me! I had to scrub dh's bathroom before I would sit on the loo.'

See, I'd have left. If a person can' even respect him or herself to look after himself decently, then you can't expect him to respect much else.

Scrub his bathroom? I'd have made a beeline for the door with an, 'Adios, I date men, not pigs.'

OhCobblers Thu 07-Feb-13 18:06:55

Thankfully I have a DH who is very much on board with doing things equally at home.

My own mother however ............ Felt the need to try and convince me that when I got married (so purely because i was a wife!) that I should iron his shirts and that there was a "right" way to fold his socks?!!!

I told her that I would rather watch paint dry!!!

I'm lazy! <holds up hand>
DH is at work at the moment, but I'll try to remember to ask him when he gets home.

HandbagCrab Thu 07-Feb-13 18:20:36

I think lots of women are conditioned to think men are more important than women and therefore they get to choose how they spend their time but women have to do all the running around and scrubbing. I think when they wise up to it things have gone on so long it's all complicated with dc and long shared lives.

I'm glad I didn't marry an arse because I was conditioned to 'look after' a man and i would be scrubbing round now instead of waiting for my dc to be picked up from nursery and my chippy tea!

hatstandcoat Thu 07-Feb-13 18:21:40

I'm lazy too grin.

And so is DH, but he works bloody hard in the office, and earns a nice amount for it so he's happy to pay for the cleaner/gardener/extra childcare etc.

When I read the threads about these lazy men, I can't help thinking I don't blame them. Housework is tedious. But why on earth did they marry someone whose pay is so low they can't afford to outsource it?

Dahlen Thu 07-Feb-13 18:25:53

I think most women just don't realise how unbalanced it is until something exposes it.

Even now there's a lot of conditioning to feel grateful to men who 'help' rather than expecting them to do their 50% as standard.

Usually, the dynamic changes when the first child is born and the mother is on maternity leave.

And we're still conditioned to see arguing about housework as 'petty' when in actual fact it's very significant and says a lot about how you view yourself and your partner.

MrsKoala Thu 07-Feb-13 18:31:20

Well expat there's a lid for every pot as judge Judy says smile

I don't equate the cleanliness of someone's loo with self respect so we're fine. Now if he'd have asked me to clean it I would have been out the door.

amillionyears Thu 07-Feb-13 18:33:03

Agree with expatinscotland. Some people are desperate to get married and initially anyway, will put up with just about anything.

BelaLugosisShed Thu 07-Feb-13 18:35:29

Cailindana - there are young women who don't think like your sister, my 22 year old DD is one of them. Last year she was due to move in with her then boyfriend, she found herself having to nag him to clean up his flat whenever she went round, there would be dishes stacked high in the sink, overflowing bin bags, filthy bathroom etc. and would end up helping him clean. She ended up telling him that if he didn't sort himself out she wouldn't be moving in with him, long story short - she ended their relationship because if he couldn't be arsed to make the effort before they lived together , she didn't think it would get any better afterwards - I was very proud of her. She has grown up seeing DH do as much domestic stuff as me btw.

SashaSashays Thu 07-Feb-13 18:38:33

Agree some people are desperate and will put up with a shocking amount of shite.

Its a bit like when I read on mn or hear of people in long term relationships that have never been, slightly or fully, sexually satisfying. That would have been a deal breaker for me, some people seem not to care too much

I've got a stick up my arse thats how I maintain permanent sexual satisfaction and I've always done the majority of the housework as I'm quite particular about it. DH isn't a grubby bugger but his standards are piss poor. However he sorts the garden, to how I want it, deal with all the car maintenance as that bores me to tears and we both do our fair share of semi-scratch cooking of whatever the new mn name is for reheating.

Some of you would hate him, but I'm sure I saw on here that one couple hadn't had sex for 8 years and neither were happy but were just accepting of it. I'd probably have binned him after 8 months!

cerealqueen Thu 07-Feb-13 18:48:12

Agree with Dahlen. Once you are at home with first DC, many of us are doing most of the housework, cooking, childcare. Men quite like the set up, then many start to resent being asked to do their share, and may compare wives with their mothers who did everything and their fathers, who did nothing....(not all but many it seems) and they deep down think it is woman's work and that we enjoy it. We had a row about this and my DP was telling me how he didn't like doing the chores and I said who does, I don't either. He was genuinely shocked, I really think he believed I enjoyed it and that I was cut out for it, whilst he wasn't.

When women do go back to work, they, on the whole, tend to do the childcare drop off, pick up, and their wages are factored against the cost of childcare. They will do the all organising of family life too. I'm not saying this is the same for everybody, but amongst the women I know, it seems to be more often than not the norm. This is why men thrive on marriage, they gain a 'wife'. Given what we do, I'd love to have a wife too!

rainrainandmorerain Thu 07-Feb-13 18:51:26

This is practically my specialist subject. Where would you like me to start?

I totally agree with Dahlen that housework/running a household (my preferred term) is seen in a way by both sexes as something insignificant. After all, you don't do a degree in it, do you? It isn't paid. No great historical figure has been known for their ability to clean their house.

So it is seen as trivial - men often don't see it as being their role to do it, and women often do it (a lot of it) but feel like moaning cows if they bring it up a lot.

Of course this isn't fair. It needs a bit of planning, some skill, and effort. It doesn't bloody do itself. (for those thinking 'skill? really?' - yes, skill. I had and know others who had male partners who had simply never cleaned for themselves. Didn't know how to hoover or what to clean a bathroom with. If you go from mum's house to uni to shared houses or cohabitations where someone else does it - they never learn).

I think particularly when couples get together young, neither of them is exactly a whizz at household stuff. Keeping your room fairly tidy isn't the same as running a whole household with kids and childcare to cope with. So sometimes a huge inability/reluctance to do much at all on that front just isn't apparent. It is a situation that can creep up on you.

Kids. The amount of household chores, and how hard it is to fit them in, rockets after you have a baby. Women who have done chores before as routine suddenly have a lot more on their plate, and start to resent it more. Then there,s the whole maternity leave issue. mothers take 6 months or a year or whatever at home - it becomes their 'domain'. Working fathers very much start to see it as not their job.

And when women return to work, it is often part time, or they earn less.... so they become by default both workers and the ones responsible for doing all the jobs their busy, harder working (in his eyes) and higher earning husband won't do.

Just a few reasons!

Snowydrift Thu 07-Feb-13 18:52:21

My DH always cooked and helped with the cleaning until just after we were married and he got a job. We moved to be close to his job (5mins away) leaving me with a 4 hour commute to Uni. Then he stopped cooking and helping with the cleaning because he was working and I was only a student...

Annunziata Thu 07-Feb-13 18:57:59

I was brought up to skivvy after my dad and brothers, DH was brought up being waited on hand and foot. I didn't/ don't expect anything else.

expatinscotland Thu 07-Feb-13 19:00:25

It is NOT 'helping'. It's doing one's fair share in life.

LessMissAbs Thu 07-Feb-13 19:07:49

Its pretty obvious that you simply make sure you marry a man who has lived on his own and had his own place before meeting you!

I would never, ever have dated a man living at home, who hadn't gone to university and not lived away from home while doing so, etc..

Pretty much guarantees the ability to pay bills, work washing machines, etc..

OTOH I can't cook or iron (or can't be bothered). But I compensate in other areas.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now