EVIL MILs - WHY DID YOU MARRY SOMEONE WHEN YOU DON'T LIKE THEIR MUM??

(207 Posts)
Hullygully Thu 07-Feb-13 15:36:39

Why??

What did you think would happen?

FellatioNels0n Thu 07-Feb-13 16:23:58

I have got along well with all of my MILs. (one ex, one dead, one step.) It helps that the ex became an ex before I had any children, the dead one is dead and the step one is a long, long way away and always has been.

Seriously, I have got along with all of them but I am under no illusions that feathers may have been ruffled had I had to live in prolonged close proximity to any of them. I don't do falling out though. I think my ex MIL was very highly strung and would have become a problem in the long term, although I was fond of her. ex FIL on the other hand....hmm The dead one was lovely but I didn't know her for long and it's easy to canonise a dead MIL who you hardly knew. The Step one is great most of the time but she can be a bit arsey opinionated when she's had a drink and she needs to watch her step as she's on a yellow card at the moment. It's taken 20 years for us to have a cross word though.

My recently departed FIL however, was perfect. A total gentleman.

Masterchuff Thu 07-Feb-13 16:25:15

My MIL is sent from hell itself. I knew this before I married DH and although he still sees her he is sadly more than aware of the type of person she is. But I'm not married to her I'm married to DH. And we have discussed her behaviour and attitudes and their effect on DD and agree on the actions that need to be taken or responses to situations. One thing is for sure, she made my DH a wonderful parent who avoids excess now ( after kicking a drug habit she promoted!) including alcohol and if he questions how to parent a situation does the opposite of what she would have done. Do yes, I hate my MIL and married him anyway so YABU!

I only met my MiL after I'd moved in with DH and we were expecting DD. I'd only met her about four times when we got married (two years later). I had no idea if I liked her or not and didn't care - quite frankly I would put up with Satan himself in the family to be with DH for five minutes if I had to. I couldn't have cared less what his family were like.

JackieandJudy Thu 07-Feb-13 16:28:43

I quite liked MIL before we got married (dh and I did the marrying obviously, not MIL and I). Don't know why I liked her, blinded by love I suspect.

No longer have any contact with her or FIL following massive fall-out about fourteen years ago. Dh was totally supportive, and still is.

TheWalkingDead Thu 07-Feb-13 16:32:27

Well, my DH's DM died before I met him and initially his step-mother was ok. Then the true colours came out, but it was too late for me as I had fallen madly in love with DH and she doesn't like him, he doesn't like her and I detest her (haven't spoken to her in almost 6 years).

It's ok because we all know where we stand. I stay away, DH visits every couple of weeks with the 2DS's (she loves them completely) and FIL knows exactly how we all feel about one another so just goes along for the ride. FIL apparently loves me, even though I can't really be bothered with a man who makes no effort to stick up for his sons or me. If only they were perfect like my family....grin

CatsRule Thu 07-Feb-13 16:35:29

My mil was nowhere near as bad before we got married...she has just become a bigger and more manipulative bitch each day of our marriage and has multiplied in size since the birth of our ds last year...she really has outshone herself so much so that her own son can see her far enough!

I would definitely advise checking out the family, especially mil/fil prior to falling for the guy!

Hindsight is a wonderful thing!

Januarymadness Thu 07-Feb-13 16:41:49

mil is a bitch. DH agrees. I married him not mil.

We have extreemly few dealings with her problem avoided.wink wink

AdoraBell Thu 07-Feb-13 16:43:09

Based on your question my OH should have run a mile. He did get off light though because both may parent's died soon after we married. I had already broken contact with my mother so he really never had the MIL experience this time around (apparently his previous MIL was off her rocker on religion).

As for why I married OH, I knew we wouldn't spend much time in the PILs companygrin

goinnowhere Thu 07-Feb-13 16:44:14

His family only became quite so disfunctional after we were engaged. Not about to make the man I love go through even more shit by ditching him because of them on top of everything else! He needs me to cope with them!

expatinscotland Thu 07-Feb-13 16:44:30

I've always wondered that, Hully. Then they go and procreate with the guy. Half the time it's not even a real MIL because the couple aren't married, anyhow.

Januarymadness Thu 07-Feb-13 16:45:04

Oh and having a shitty emotionally, and physically, abusive mother should not prevent a child from finding happiness and marrying. If DH married someone who liked his mum he would have a shitty mother AND shittt wife. Not really fair eh.angry angry

Pandemoniaa Thu 07-Feb-13 16:47:57

I've had two MIL. I very much miss the lovely woman that was DP's mother. We were very close and she was a joy to spend time with.

My ex-h's dm is a difficult woman. She's 95 now and cheerfully as awkward as ever although in fairness, she's certainly not evil. But I was comforted by the fact that she lived 80 miles away so we were always civilised to each other. Had she lived 80 yards away I might have had second thoughts!

propertyNIGHTmareBEFOREXMAS Thu 07-Feb-13 16:48:05

Because I anticipated that I would have very little to do with her. She is of no consequence or importance to me smile.

Blimey. So the children of abusive parents don't deserve to find happiness in marriage then? No one should fall in love with them and marry them, because their parents are awful?

Right ...

AThingInYourLife Thu 07-Feb-13 16:49:43

"If DH married someone who liked his mum he would have a shitty mother AND shittt wife."

grin

I have this picture of a poor bloke, decent to the core, traipsing around trying to find a girl mad enough to like his horrible mother.

Salbertina Thu 07-Feb-13 16:55:22

Fortunately, my DMil is lovely, sadly my own dm is not..

Januarymadness Thu 07-Feb-13 16:57:32

Nothing pisses me off more than people making assumptions that lump eveyone together.

All mothers are lovely
All DILs must be in the wrong
All MNers act like this or think like that.
All problems in relationships are because someone is cheating or abusive.

It is bollocks. Everyone is different. We are individuals and it is our actions that define us, not our labels.

Rant over.

KindleMum Thu 07-Feb-13 16:59:09

"Oh and having a shitty emotionally, and physically, abusive mother should not prevent a child from finding happiness and marrying. If DH married someone who liked his mum he would have a shitty mother AND shittt wife. Not really fair eh.angry angry"

I have to agree with Januarymadness on this. DH has a mother who is entirely self-centred and shows no affection towards her children. He has no illusions about her but I didn't really appreciate how she really was until we married. Before we married, I got her "public" face. Once we married I saw the insider version. And because she has to always be the most important person in the whole world, she got worse when we married and worse each time we had a child, presumably because DH now had important people in his life other than her.

She annoys me but isn't a serious problem as DH has a "warts and all" view of her. He gave me fair warning of what she was like before we married but I would have married him anyway. He's a lovely, loving, warm person who's a great dad, it would be so unfair if, having been denied an affectionate mother, he was denied a warm family of his own.

tiggerishtom Thu 07-Feb-13 17:03:08

oh dear...

Mine was pretty good, until it came to planing our wedding.....

Which then involved many complete and utter meltdowns on her behalf, basically because she wasn't in control.

We live in fear of when our first child arrives in August....

There were a few early signs when we moved in together (opposite her & FIL) but I thought I could cope....

Lucky DH has bigger issues with her behaviour than I do, so united we stand!

Januarymadness Thu 07-Feb-13 17:08:37

oh and hi Jins. I believe we have had competitive my mil is a bigger bitch than yours contests in the past (a few name changes ago). I believe we came to the conclusion that it was a draw!wink grin

Naoko Thu 07-Feb-13 17:10:59

Because I'm with him, not with his mum. DP's mum annoys the living daylights out of me, but he dislikes her even more than I do. She's also several hundred miles away. If he thought the sun shone out of her arse and she lived next door it wouldn't work, but he doesn't and she's far away. Don't see the problem.

deleted203 Thu 07-Feb-13 17:15:14

Because I loved him, and he was the one I would be living with, not her. In all fairness I actually get on fine with MIL, although she can be quite rude. I suspect this is mainly due to the 350 miles between us and the fact that I only have to see her a few times a year. DH actually gets on with my DM better than I do (probably because he is more tolerant than I am, and she thinks he is marvellous - doesn't make little digs at him the way she does at me!).

I'm very fortunate to have a fantastic I'll's, SIL on the other hand is a right tit but lives some distance, so can tolerate her... Just.

However, if you applied the question to my DH then he should never have married me. My mother is a horrible lady. Horrible. Horrible. My DH has known her for ages so knows what a fucking piece of work she is too.

Thankfully I have nothing to do with her now, so life is good. But if we stick to your posed question then I would die alone and to be fair I'm a nice (albeit a grumpy, unsociable cow at times) person and deserve to be loved.

Jins Thu 07-Feb-13 17:31:34

Januarymadness Have we?

You're probably right. The power of mine is fading as she ages

I'd never have gotten married if I had to wait until I found someone who like my mother. She's a bloody nightmare. MIL, on the other hand, is absolutely lovely. She sent me flowers today to cheer me up (as I'm off work sick).

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