To wonder what happened to kindness?

[Hullygully]

Serious question.

When people say MIL wants X but I don't or friend wants a lift or etc etc

people constantly say: your wedding, your rules
your house, your rules
your child, your rules
your car, fuck them

What happened to simple kindness and putting other people first? Has there really been a sea change in attitude, or do I just not come across it in RL?

[atthewelles]

Totally agree. I hate that attitude and you see it a lot on here, particularly in relation to MILs.

[Sugarice]

I think kindness still exists yet we may be more hard faced these days and are aware of not wishing to be seen as pushovers or doormats.

I'm kind at heart and would help anyone in need but I won't be taken advantage of and it's a fine line, in my opinion anyway.

[Hullygully]

I think one should always be kind if possible, mostly it's no skin off one's own nose to make someone else really happy. Isn't that a nice thing to do?

[Hullygully]

I bring my dc up to be as kind as possible, I would hate it if they did the "my rules" thing or didn't think about other people's feelings.

[valiumredhead]

I agree. A little kindness goes a long way.

[Hullygully]

It does. And even if it isn't returned, it just means the other person isn't very evolved and/or well-mannered. It shouldn't stop one being kind oneself.

[WandaDoff]

Hear Hear.

[WhatsTheBuzz]

I'm not entirely convinced that (some) people are as outspoken and assertive in RL as they can be online.

[Hullygully]

Do you mean people in RL just pretend to be kind?

[BunnyLebowski]

Yes of course being kind is a good thing. But imo, always putting other people first at the expense of your own family's happiness/plans/sanity is just being a doormat.

And on here the "your house, your rules" advice is usually given because the MIL/family member/friend has already made inconsiderate and/or rude demands.

It's not in my DNA to put up and shut up in the name of "kindness". It has to be shown to be received.

[Mitchy1nge]

it's my only house rule! Be Kind. It covers everything.

wonder what happened to it?

[Lifeisontheup]

I think you should operate the 'treat other people how you would like to be treated' not necessarily as you are treated but how you would like to be, then you can't go far wrong.

[sleepyhead]

Kindness just helps society rub along so much more easily. I hate the phrase "But why should I?" Why not?

[WhatsTheBuzz]

I just don't think many people would be bold enough to actually say 'my house, my rules' (for example) to a family member. I think people put up with stuff to avoid stress. I often do.

[LadyBeagleEyes]

I agree Hully, but I've always been a soft hearted cow.
I also hate 'Your house, your rules' with a passion. Unless someone is taking serious advantage, surely welcoming people into your home and putting up with their little foibles is a good thing?

[Ponderingonaquandry]

Agreed!

Society has become so selfish now it's horrible. I help pick up after this attitude at work and it can have devastating effects.

[TroublesomeEx]

I am kind.

But I don't want to be a push over or a doormat.

There's a difference between being kind and letting other people do whatever they want regardless of how you feel about it. Particularly if it affects you and your children/family.

[Hullygully]

There is a vast vast gulf between kindness and doormattery

[BerthaTheBogCleaner]

I agree that "kind" should be the default option. But a lot of people, especially women, are brought up to think they should help and serve and look after without regard to their own needs, and that they are intrinsically awful if they don't. If you are surrounded by that attitude, it's hard to see that fine line between "kind" and "doormat", and all the "your rules" stuff on MN helps people see that they are allowed to make the decision to be kind, or to put themselves and their family first.

[ENormaSnob]

I am always kind and will do favours etc no problem.

However, I'm not a pushover and won't allow people to take the piss.

[Psammead]

I think kindness will come back into fashion again. I think hard times brings it out of people, and these are apparently hard times. I think being too comfortable for too long makes people less inclined towards empathy.

[EwanHoozami]

some seem to equate kindness with weakness when usually the opposite is true.

[Trills]

I think we assume that there is something more than a simple favour being asked, or else the issue wouldn't end up on MN in the first place.

[Hullygully]

I suppose it's the change from kindness, feeling a member of a society/community/ putting others first to a kind of glorification of selfishness. I see a righteous gleefulness in putting oneself first which is very retrogressive and depressing.

[TheOriginalLadyFT]

I think there are some really harsh things said on here, and a lot of righteous indignation etc when actually people might do well to remember that we all have failings and sometimes it would be kinder to make allowances than judging instantly.

Some of the MiL stuff makes me sad - seeing how much my own DS loves his grannies reminds me that no matter how annoying they can be I should mostly just button my lip and be more tolerant